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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Top box.
3261140 iambrony.dget.cc/mlp/gif/131327147782.gif
Finally they can save their friends. I hope they get to them soon.
3261265 You read the whole chapter already!
Ouroboros....
Will FMA have any impact on this story in the future?
3261309 I don't know what FMA is so probably not
3261314 Oh, nvm then.
Congrats on the Featured Box. :P
3261431 Thank you very much! Its a bit weird. I wasn't expecting to hit it.. ever!
3261465 No prob. Eventually I'll get around to reading this. Still working on rewriting my own and stuff.
3261469 I will give yours a read too, but I do have 70 unread chapters already, mainly FoE You are going to rewrite a story that is 2.5 x longer than mine currently stands?
3261484 Yeah... the importance of actually having a basic layout for a plot line is more important than I first realized. and I have 180 unread chapters, ssoo.....
1273590
I actually just saw the episode two days ago while re-watching the series. They took the diver surrogate down to see if removing the air pressure in an old diving suit would cause a diver to be crumpled into the helmet.
At 300 feet, he was. It was really quite impressive, and the helmet itself imploded a bit, too. No broken bones, but the organs were pulped and pureed by their passage through the rib cage. Bodies wouldn't end up completely crushed; their skin would rupture and they'd be sinkers, not floater, without the gas buildup.
PS. sorry for sending this reply so late, I just found the story, and saw your comment.
3261952 No worries. I have been waiting for that episode to come round again but no luck over here. I did think they might sink but I didn't know for sure. Besides physics can take a back seat occasionally when it comes to story telling. But I do like to keep what happens in my stories as real as possible.
3261981
It was literally a thing where my roommate, his girlfriend, and I, being friends, had sat down to watch a movie, had Netflix, and had no idea what to watch. After bickering over some different anime choices, we decided on Mythbusters because we all like it.
And, well, I haven't seen season 7 in a while, so we started there, on the mini-myth special, and... well, there you go.
3262112 You done already? That was 7 months in the making Oh well, good job I have started chapter 8 isn't it
3262453
As someone who works in the Nuclear Industry, better safe than sorry.
1771164
Have you read the original FoE, or the beginning of Project Horizons, or Heroes? Most of the mare protagonists in those stories spend a good 15% of their inner dialogue thinking about, or referencing ass.
These comments are very old... Sorry about replying to that.
3263419 Oh, I thought I had removed that... That was back in November 2012. You can keep reading
3262726 Hehehe, he was the first to read FoE out of the 2 of us. Don't think he had read Hero's or Horizons. And he is allowed to be picky cos he is my brother.
You should have been there for draft one, or even the planning book... lots of sex in there!
3265322
Hehehe, brother tolerance I know the feel. I let my sister irk me in ways that would normally get other people yelled at.
Oh more sex... Wow, just...
3271932 Seems that even with me and 2 pre-readers we cant find all the mistakes.
I am really glad you are enjoying it cos I LOVE Broken Bonds! Need to catch up though, and reread from the point where half a chapter went missing.
3274915
Didn't notice this somehow. D'awww, thank you.
I'll make note to tell you of any other errors or general write-flow where I think you could improve something with a small edit and let you know what's up!
Think I'm going to start chapter three now, so here's to that!
Also, sorry again for that fiasco. FimFic apparently was doing it at random and I wasn't the only one to have a chapter chapped in half by it. You're no doubt going to have a lot of fun reading 30k in one chapter alone, eh?
So, I just read the entire thing, and I'm impressed. This is really great, even with all the spelling errors and typos (most of which work phonetically, but not grammatically) and the occasional missing commas here and there.
If I didn't have my own slew of stories to deal with, I'd offer to edit for you.
Anyhow, very nice story so far, and I can't wait to see more. Especially how you're going to tie in the title, Ouroboros, the Snake Eating its own Tail, also known as the Infinity Serpent, into the story.
Seriously, the possibilities make my toes tingle in anticipation.
3290031 Thank you very much! Grammar has never been a strong point of mine, nor English for that matter.
I would probably be better suited to being a Director; got great visual ideas in my head, with camera angles and how to shoot it... but no idea how to describe it. I am glad it hasn't put you off though and I assure you you will understand Ouroboros in time.
3290033
Is your first language something other than English, then? It's alright if it's not, but I have less forgiveness for English-speaking people who finish High School in a place where English is the main language and still can't find a vowel with both hands and a dictionary.
At least you're not that bad.
The grammar isn't all that atrocious, and the spelling mistakes make sense if you say the whole thing out loud, but the periods, exclamation points, and question marks all seem to have had a meeting some time and promptly forgotten which ones they were.
As for Ouroboros, I'm just glad you aren't throwing mythological names out to sound cool.
3290050 Sadly English is my first language. In my defence 90% of what I write is technical descriptions and explanations. I genuinely don't think I have ever put a ? in any of my reports or technical documents. That said I should know by now. I hope you don't think less of me.
(This might give you an idea of where I put my energy... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wmp0vHW-9Ts )
3290139
I lost my shit at 2 minutes in.
Anyways, while I am disappointed in you, as long as you strive to do better, you'll be fine, and I can let it go.
But seriously, get a dedicated Editor who sits with you as you write to catch your mistakes as they happen. Also, re-read each segment when you finish writing it, out loud. It helps you catch more mistakes.
3290310 Firstly,[Checks what happens at 2 minutes], yes I can see why you would!
I have Doomade and Honeymead as my Pre-readers but I don't really have a dedicated editor. Also I will give the reading out loud thing a go. Thank you.
3290328
yw.
Also, is that your 'bot? If so, I'd suggest swapping the direction the wheel spins, so that it tears better, and put a little more weight at the back to balance it better during impacts.
Another good idea is to affix some sort of ramped paneling over the wheels, to prevent that sort of strategy from removing it from play early.
3290345 Ah, the disc spins that way to toss the its opponents through the air. As you can see in the video the armour is heavily sloped to deflect impacts, its also made from 2mm of Titanium!
The reason it turned over on the Belling is simply its weight, 17.5kg. The robots stop at 13.6kg and so are much easier to throw. We will be adding magnets to the machine for next year and lightening the disc to about 3kg so 600g can go in reinforcing the chassis. This is what it gets up to at an event! (Hope that's not to much info)
3290354
Ah, so more permanent damage is discouraged.
I was meaning that there should be some sloped armor on the wheels too, which appeared to stick up a little ways.
As for the weight problem, yeah, that's not so big an issue.
Hey, did you hear about the one around fifteen years ago, when the bots where all done tiny and on tabletop? One guy made one that just grappled the edges of the table and pulled its own sides out to push the opponent off the table. It worked great until one of the grapples failed and it pulled itself off the table, but oh well. The guy got semifinals, so it was still good.
3290362 I haven't ever heard of a machine like that. If it was table top it might have been an Antweight or possibly a Beetleweight but they were very difficult 15 years ago. Could you find a link?
3290366
I have no idea, I heard about it because it took out my Momma's in that tournament. It was also in one of the LEGO ones, not metal. A ton of the stuff you can't do with metal, you can with plastic, it's just not usually as durable. My momma told me about it, from back when she was in MIT. Colorado, if you're wondering.
3291171 That sounds crazy! I like how my weapons are all grounded on reality. How did you create the engineering drawings for the gun? It looks awesome!
3293310 I can neither confirm nor deny
3293711 You have never heard of the word fortnight?
3294425 Well, after a quick look at an internet dictionary, I can see that I was about 10 days off.
So... I'm going to have to borrow my sister's English text book and ask her teacher why a fortnight is only 4 days, and not 14 like it should be. Seems like a bit of typo, don'tcha think?
3295310
So... quick question:
The lines on Fran's neck an eye... what are they? If it's spoilers other than something like scars, don't tell me! D:
3295547 geekpeak.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/spoilers.png
3295565
i.imgur.com/oh0QfOS.jpg k
EDIT: I predict mutant gills. >.>
3295625 Don't you like Doctor Who?
3295645 I have too many different series I'm already watching. Doctor Who is on my 'to watch' list right now. :/
WARNING: This review may contain spoilers :GNINRAW
You’ve been warned
Name of Story: Fallout Equestria: Ouroboros
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
I’ll be off the common trail today with your story as I really loved it.
The review
You depict your characters extremely well. I’m impressed. How you write Francium, Helix and Tungsten and all your others OC is beyond average. You bloom many feelings into the readers’ mind. And for some of them, like me, you create known situations that can ‘wield’ (Sheldon Cooper’s laugh) their interest into your story. You seek to make sure the readers do want to care about your story and characters. Many writers aim to give life to their characters but often fail to do so. I’m glad to say that you succeed in this tricky challenge very well. Your characters are not blank-minded dolls that you manipulate from above with your puppet master’s strings. You thrust them into happy, colourful or painful situations and carve your story, their stories, like a marble sculptor.
However, your story shows sometimes some flaws that may titillate the random reader. About FO:E fics, readers have fairly high standards and do expect at least a quasi-same level of tragic, violence and heart-breaking moments as shown in Kkat’s masterpiece. This is why climaxes are so important in adventure literatures. You must excel in this difficult art. Hence, your story will bring more people to read it, appreciate it and share it (Therefore, some moment as the “out of the stable” part and Ambriosia’s death make me feel a bit disappointed. It was good, but it lacked that spark that lit up the reader’s mind to get rip apart by the ‘tragicness’ of the situation).
This situation is the same for anti-climaxes, it is an even tricky job to perform and I do advise everybody to try except if they are 120% sure.
In this story, I can feel a deep love for the Fallout Universe and thus, for Fallout Equestria crossover. It makes your story genuine and far beyond average, far beyond a simple good story to go through. It’s all what it needs to be praiseworthy.
Now I’ll go on a topic that only commit myself. At the moment, I stopped my reading at the end of the chapter 3. I’ll continue tomorrow. However, even if Francium has for objective to make sure the stable dwelling survivors can see another day alive, she is part of a bigger group that makes her actions secondary, if not reduced. When Little Pip went out of the stable (yeah, I know it’s bad to compare any work with a piece that is praised and seen as an untouchable standard) Watcher told her to ‘make friends’ in the early chapters. It was not the Little Pip’s main “quest. However it gave to the character a background line to keep following even through the darkest places of the Wasteland. And this line was carved into the stone before 20,000 words has even been written. When I look at your story, I struggle finding that line that will drive your character’s actions and decisions throughout her adventures and roaming.
It is that specific line that give people the will and thrill to keep reading. I know you can’t do nothing about it now as you already post the next chapters. However as I have not read your others chapters, I still hoping for that line to come. And this is why I do want to keep reading. I want to know what will become of Francium. This kind of line, which will be unspoken or outspoken is a keystone in every fiction.
“People often read stories for the plot. But true readers read them for the little things that drive and force and instil changes into the characters, making them evolve, thus, making the reader grow up too.”
Some thoughts
I already said it, I was a bit let down by the “going out of the stable” thing. I was waiting for something more climatic, with rage bursting out, anger tearing the minds, tears flowing the cheeks, shock numbing the spirits and dampening the wills. I was disappointed not because it was not good, in fact it was really good. But it lacked a bit of what would have made a great moment of reading. It needed a spark. I know this type of scene, seen by many as a “walk through the tunnel toward the light”, it is not meant to be epic anyhow. Yet, as much as I wanted to be moved by this moment, I felt a bit deceived.
I do think you’ve been influenced by the ‘official unofficial’ Chapter 20.5, “a mare worth fighting for”, written by Pacce and approved by her majesty Kkat. Am I wrong?
One thing about the chapter two. You did well doing a short reminder of Fallout: Equestria’s lore, about the ministry mare. Some people writing in the FO:E verse often forget than the original work is huge and that people may forget some bribes of it. So your initiative was very welcome.
I like how Francium reacts to the rain, for an average survivor it means that radiations will be showered to the ground, leaving a fresh pure air to breathe. But Francium is a bit “fancy” about getting wet. And it made a smile sparked on my face.
Random question
It is a Bioshock reference, isn’t it?
Overall
I can only love Francium. Why ? Because I’m a French guy from France of course. Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly Eventorizon.
I liked the pipe reparation scene, I got a bit of a chill that reminded me some moments of the movie “Poseidon”. I wanted to say ‘Poor Tungsten’ as I laughed at the kinky situation. I like how you make a mockery of the whine.
Truly, it is good. You deserve your feature in the front page and hope you’ll appear there once again. If I have to give a notation of this story based upon the first three chapters, I’d say 9 /10. It has a huge potential from the start and needs to blossom, in order to go from an impressive story to a masterpiece.
The grammar: 8.5 / 10
I can find a few mistakes, and some places where the syntax could be better. Here are the kind of errors I pointed out.
Ex.
… are pretty good,” I said…
You often don’t follow the English rule where if the spoken sentence is followed by a “said tag” you have to put a comma instead of a period.
The saidbookism syndrome is something that got me rejected from EQD on my main story once (I have never tried again since as I think it’s still not perfect yet). Using ‘strong verb’ is good and may indeed avoid some repetition that dampen the writing and the reading as well.
I was surprised too
Ok is the abbreviation of “okay”. During the writing process, even in the dialogues, it is better to go with fully written words. It’s like writing numbers like th1s 4nd l1k3 th4t.
…they’re just rocks.” & “They’re blue,…
But all the mistakes remains marginal and forgivable, and shall not impact on the final grade of this fiction. You did really well writing this story. And you have good pre-readers and editors.
Conclusion
Good characters, good personalities, good descriptions. You’re gonna go far bro. There is some points that are still missing something really poignant to make the whole an epoch-making adventure. But I do not doubt that your work will rocket.
Have a good day Sir, a splendid week, a magnificent year and a great future. Get my like, obtain a favourite and add a follower into your list, because you caught me. May you lead this story once again to the feature box and that your future readers enjoy this story as much as I did and will do.
I have not read all your chapters, but I’ll be back to you when I’m done with them
I seek for a story that will end as a life experience. And right now, I do believe in your story.
By the way, nice murderous robot on youtube ;)
₰ φ Ҩ ұ ϡ Ϫ ϡ ұ Ҩ φ ₰
I hope you enjoyed your review.
This was brought to you by the French guy RealmOfMereShadows
nsa35.casimages.com/img/2013/09/12/130912060344611500.png
If you did like my comment, would you be so kind to give me a helping hoof on my story?
Beneath an Endless Dusk
It is an [ALTER. ‘VERSE], [DARK] and [ADVENTURE] story featuring a whole new universe set up one hundred and eleven years in the future. I love Fallout: Equestria, but as I like to innovate and go beyond my capacities, I wanted to go with my own universe that would give the same chill to the readers while introducing a brand new stuff.
To end the whole, because this story is epic, get an epic music as well.
3343525 I really shouldn't have loaded this comment on my Note... it was HUGE!
Thank you very much for the review. No one else has given me such a lot to think a bout in such a short (Comparability) number of words.
A lot of the mistakes I knew if and am still chasing to correct, grammar and syntax especially.
And of course I will give yours a read, that's what the group is for. It may have to wait a few days but I will get there soon.
3345713
Yeah sorry for the size of my comment. Sometimes it can be too much to take in one blow, add this to the fact that I can be harsh sometimes . But, when I do care about something I voice myself.
I hope that my review did not only bring things that people already told you about. That would be a bit disspaointing to get the same feedback over and over again.
By the way thanks for the upcoming review of my fic.
Hi Eventorizon. I've finally gone through all your chapters and as far as I can see, it's really, really good! I can only encourage you to keep going this story!