I happily chomp onto some bacon, before sipping on my cup of milk. I sit in a comfy room, where a round table is centered, and covered with food. My food. David watches on in shock as I keep shoveling food onto my plate. “You know-“ I bite into a waffle, chew and swallow. “-I didn’t think I was so-“ I place two sausage patties in my mouth, chew, enjoy, and swallow. “-didn’t think I was so hungry!” I say, continuing my campaign of eating.

“Uh... Damn,” Dave says. “I know we didn’t eat much, but-“

“Oh! Have you tried their cinnamon rolls!?” Pinkie says beside me, scaring me again.

“Ah!” I yell. “Oh, it’s you. Uh, what happened?”

“I asked if you had any cinnamon rolls,” Pinkie says. I shrug. She pulls one out of her mane. “Try one!” She says. I look at the cinnamon roll, and notice how there isn’t a single strand of hair on it. I squint my eyes, trying to find some, but failing.

“... How did you do that?” I ask.

“Do what?” She replies.

“... Nevermind,” I say, taking the roll. I eat it, and smile a bit. I love the taste of cinnamon.

“... And I’m sure they’ll be fine,” Celestia’s voice says, coming into earshot.

“Well, still. There’s something off about one of them, besides the obvious,” another, unfamiliar voice says.

“Twilight, I promise you, he does not bear bad intentions.” The doors open, revealing Celestia, blue horse, and a group behind them. A lavender unicorn sees Pinkie and narrows her eyes.

“Wha- Pinkie! There you are!” She calls. Her gaze looks over to me, stuffing my mouth with a waffle. Her smile drops. I give a small wave as I swallow.

“Yo,” I call. Dave sighs.

“Hi, I’m David,” he says, greeting them with a bit more dignity.

“Twilight! You should touch his hair! It’s so soft!” Pinkie says excitedly, pointing at me. I frown.

“Do that and you’re going out the window,” I warn. Twilight glances at her, then back at me with uncertainty.

“Nah, Maxie wouldn’t do that!” Pinkie says. She takes my moment of unawareness to hug me. “No one this soft could be a bad guy!” I give her a look that’s a mix scowling and confusion.

“I’m not soft,” I say, gently trying to pry her off with my hand. “And don’t call me Maxie.” Pinkie let’s go and bounces off her seat, and towards her apparent friends.

“Pinkie, did you see what he could do?” A rainbow-haired mare asks. “As cool as it was, it was a bit weird.”

“I have to agree with Rainbow Dash sugarcube,” a southern voice says. The rest of the group walks in, and I can see them all in their entirety. There’s an orange pony with a blonde mane, wearing a Stetson. I’m guessing she’s the southern one. The blue and rainbow pony must obviously be Rainbow Dash. There’s a white unicorn with purple hair, and a yellow pegasus with pink hair. Celestia and the blue horse walk in behind them.

“Allow me to introduce you to my little ponies,” she says. She points to Twilight, who I now notice has wings. “This is Twilight Sparkle. She is a magical pupil of mine.” Twilight nervously lifts a hoof in a wave. I give a thumbs up before eating another waffle. Celestia looks at Pinkie. “This is Pinkie Pie, she’s a party planner from Ponyville, and brings many ponies laughter.” Ponyville? That’s a name? Celestia looks at Rainbow Dash. “This is Rainbow Dash, a proud and loyal Wonderbolt.” Rainbow puffs her chest out, almost like a proud bird.

“The fuck is a Wonderbolt?” Dave asks. Just like that, her confidence is shattered and she looks at Dave with shock.

“We’ll get to that later David. This pony is Applejack,” Celestia continues, gesturing to the orange pony. “She’s an honest and hardworking farm pony, famous for her family’s farm.”

“‘Ey, cinnamon!” I call. Everyone, except David, looks at me in confusion.

“Max, you know they won’t get it,” Dave says, face palming.

“It’s worth a shot,” I say. Celestia clears her throat.

“Right, the next pony is Rarity Belle,” she says, gesturing to the white unicorn. “She’s a famous fashionista, and a truly generous pony.” I scoff at that one.

“Sure,” I say. David sighs, while Rarity looks a bit offended, but says nothing. Celestia turns to the last pony, who’s actively trying to shrink away from my gaze.

“This, is Fluttershy. She takes care of many animals, and is the kindest pony you’ll know,” Celestia says. I look at the cowering pony and feel a bit of familiarity.

“... You take care of animals?” I ask. Fluttershy looks at me, and sees the curiosity behind my eyes.

“U-um, yes,” she says.

“... When I was younger, I always wanted to be a veterinarian,” I say. She blinks and slowly stands upright.

“Really?” She asks.

“Yeah, I took a course for it, but I’m only qualified to be a technician,” I say. Celestia smiles as she sees that I’m getting along with someone. She turns to the blue horse.

“This, is my sister, Princess Luna,” she says. At the word sister, Dave and I tilt our heads and looks at Luna. Dark blue fur, starry hair, moon butt-tattoo, and teal eyes. We look at Celestia. White fur, rainbow hair, purple eyes. How the fuck are these two related...

“... Oh! You’re adopted!” I realize. I freeze as it dawns on me that I said that out loud. David’s barely contained his laughter, Five of the six ponies are wide eyed and slack jawed, Pinkie’s spacing out, Celestia’s eyes are pinpricks, but she has a smile on her muzzle, and Luna looks perturbed. “... Sorry,” I say. Silence reigns.

“... Sister-“

“You’re not adopted Luna,” Celestia immediately says. “We would know if you were adopted.” David bangs his head on the table.

“Dammit Max,” he finally says in between laughs.

“Well- you know how I am!” I say. “And don’t get me started, remember the ‘Hospital incident?’”

“How was I supposed to know she had diabetes!?” Dave asks.

“Enough!” Celestia says, clearly annoyed with our shit by now. Dave and I stopped talking immediately, and sit upright. Celestia takes a deep breath. “Okay. I gathered you all here, because I wanted to discuss your living arrangement,” she starts, looking at us.

“Living arrangements?” I ask.

“Well, we found some clues leading to a spell that may send you back, but it’s archaic and barely decipherable,” Celestia starts. “So, we need to do something with you two in the meantime, and I think you may be of use to us.” I frown.

“Sounds like the start of an evil villain’s deal,” I remark.

“Princess Celestia’s not a villain!” Rainbow Dash yells.

“Cool it Tekashi,” I say. “I’m just saying, this sounds like you’re going to ask us to do something like a quest.”

“Oh no, no quest! Just a simple job position,” Celestia says. “I’ve been meaning to place a garrison in Ponyville for a while now, due to the various monster attacks that happen weekly.”

“We don’t need help! We’ve got the power of friendship!” Applejack says proudly.

“... That was just cringe,” I say.

“Yeah, that was kinda cringe,” Dave adds, confusing the mare.

“I was wondering if anyone is willing to house these two?” Celestia asks. To this, I stare right at the ‘oh so generous one’.

“Well, I’ve got plenty of room at the castle,” Twilight says. I keep staring right at Rarity.

“Gee, thanks Twilight, thanks for your generosity,” I state loudly. David sighs as everyone looks a little put off.

“Don’t mind him, he’s just weird,” he says.

“Um, anyway, I have plenty of room to spare,” Twilight says.

“Thank you. Now, David, Max,” Celestia says, drawing our attention. “I’ll need time to build up the garrison’s barracks. The barracks will be near the Everfree. Could you protect it?” I shrug.

“Sure, what could be so dangerous about watching some trees?” I ask. Dave nods besides me.

“Good. Before the plans for the barracks are approved, it will take time. Could I trust that you two help in Twilight’s school? She’s a principal as well as a Princess,” Celestia says, with a bit of pride in her voice.

“Sure, why not,” Dave says. To this, I cringe to myself a little, but nod. I don’t like dealing with kids.

“On that matter, I also have another proposition,” she says. “I noticed how you two were warming up. It looked like David had never used magic before.”

“That’s because I hadn’t,” he says, surprising the magic users in the room. “I only learned because Max helped me.” They turn to me.

“I just guessed,” I say.

“... In that case, I want ask if either of you had combat experience?” To that, David scoffs.

“Tell her,” Dave says.

“I mean, technically,” I say. Dave gives me a sharp look.

“Good! How does being a commander of a garrison sound?” She asks me. I hum as Dave shakes his head.

“... Sure, sounds good,” I say. Celestia nods, smiling. “However, I’ll need David to be a co-commander.” David shoots me a ‘what the fuck!?’ Look.

“Uh- hold on for a moment,” Dave says, pulling me out of my seat. We get a bit farther and leans in close. “What the fuck are you doing!?” He whisper-yells.

“Taking a chance while it’s good,” I say.

“You don’t have any combat experience!” He states.

“One, fuck you, Halo Wars counts. Two, there’s a saying. ‘If you’re offered a great opportunity, but don’t know how to do it, take it and learn as you go.” David groans.

“Why ask me to be in this!?” He asks.

“Because I’m the type of person who would blindly accept a job despite not knowing how to do it. You’re like, ninety percent of my impulse control,” I say. He sighs.

“Okay, fine, but let me handle this. After this, I damn well better be left out of your decision making,” he says. I shrug and he lets go of me. “Hey, Princess, what’re our benefits?” He asks, walking up.

“Well, you’ll be given private quarters, an income of five hundred bits per week, you can train the soldiers however you want to, and you’ll get health insurance.” Dave hums at Celestia’s answer. Everyone else is a bit nervous as he shakes his head.

“Eight hundred, we get separate rooms with standard living, and pay us an upfront sum of fifteen hundred so we that we can afford some luxuries, and we get a television set.” Everyone looks at Dave like he poked a beehive. I silently thank God, because no one was confused by the idea of television, which means it exists. Celestia smiles.

“Six fifty, you can get your separate rooms, I’ll give you an upfront sum of eight hundred, and a portable radio,” she offers. Dave crosses his arms.

“Seven hundred, and nine hundred upfront, and it’s a deal,” he says. Celestia nods. “Alright, sounds good. What now?” He asks. Celestia turns to Twilight.

“I hope you have room for them soon, right?” She asks. Twilight nods.

“Of course! I can room them tonight!” She says.

“Then, let’s be off. We’ll take the chariots,” Celestia says. I blink.

“Chariots? You guys have radio, television, and stuff like that, but you don’t have trains?” I ask.

“Oh, no, we do, but that costs money,” Luna says. “Tell me, do you have a fear of heights?” I look at her in confusion. She gives a small laugh. “Given your epiphany earlier, I think it’s best you see for yourself,” she says.

I am fucking terrified. “AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!” I yell. “WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE GUARD RAILS!?!?” The chariots we fly in are just that, chariots. Golden chariots being pulled by four pegasi in two lines.

“It’s not so bad!” Dave yells, laughing.

“FUCK YOU, THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!” I call.

“It’ll be fine Dude! Chill out! Can’t believe you’re the tougher one,” Rainbow says, flying next to us.

“FUCK OFF SKITTLES!!!” I yell. There are two chariots. One contains me and Dave, the other contains ponies. I’m clinging onto the front of the chariot, my grip’s even twisting the metal.

“This is so cool!” Dave yells.

“I know right!?” Rainbow replies.

“FUCK BOTH OF Y’ALL!!!” I call, making them laugh at my expense.

“Don’t worry, we’re coming up to Ponyville in a few minutes!” Rainbow says, coming in closer. “Why’re you scared of heights?”

“I’m not scared of heights, I’m scared of falling!” I yell, finally starting to calm down after hours of yelling. “Rollercoasters fucked me up back in the day!”

“Good to know,” Rainbow says cryptically.

“Don’t lord it over me you color palette dump!” I yell.

“Try not to break the gold chariot, it’s expensive!” Dave jabs.

“Oh go to hell!” I yell. He laughs as we start descending. Finally, we touch down on the ground. I wait until we fully stop before I plop onto the ground. “Fuuuuuuuuuuuck,” I groan.

“You gonna be alright?” Dave asks. I flip him off, making him laugh. “Payback’s a bitch,” he says.

“Okay every pony, please wait here, I’ll go set up your rooms!” Twilight says. I finally look up from the dirt and see the giant crystal castle. It’s huge, and sort of... tree like. It’s more like a crystal tree holding a stone castle. I look around and see the houses, which are much smaller, made with hay and stone. I hear Twilight and her pals walk off, all saying something, but I’m too preoccupied with the fact this is like seeing Trump tower at the head of a poor rural town. After a moment of getting my bearings, I get up, sighing.

“Finally, you’re up,” Dave says. I nod and stretch. I turn to see the chariots have already left. Good. I turn to Dave.

“I’mma go explore,” I say. He watches as I start walking away.

“Wait- explore? But you don’t know your way around this place,” he says. I deadpan at him and point at the giant fucking tower.

“That’s kinda hard to miss,” I say. He sighs, dragging a hand down his face.

“Good point, I guess. Just don’t get into trouble,” he says. I give him a thumbs up and proceed to wander around town.

I walk down a random street, passing the town hall for the... tenth time. Turns out, it isn’t hard to find a castle, but it’s hard to find anything else. However, there is this one building that’s caught my eye. I passed it about four times, but since I can see the pink menace was in there, I stayed as inconspicuous as possible. Granted, it’s hard to do so when you’re taller than everyone here, but I managed. That, or the madmare’s taking mercy on me. Doubtful on that last one. As I walk, I hear a set of hooves land with a thud behind me. “What’re you doing!?” A raspy voice yells. I stop and look over my shoulder to see Rainbow Dash. She looks peeved.

“... Walking,” I say, noting how everyone around us is staring at us.

“No- you’re plotting!” She says, glaring.

“... Oh, you mean planning,” I say, turning to her. “Sorry, since you guys are ponies, I was briefly wondering what the hell ‘assing’ meant. I guess not every word’s a horse pun Eh?” I ask. She huffs.

“I‘ve seen what you are,” she says. I furrow my brow and take my hand out of my pockets.

“And what am I?” I ask, as the tension rises.

“MAXIE!!!” A new voice yells, breaking the tension. I blink in confusion before a pink mass of fluff tackles me from the side, sending me to the ground.

“Fuck!!” I yell in surprise. I look at the sentient cotton candy animal and sigh. “Don’t call me that.”

“I missed you so much! Why didn’t you respond to any of my letters?” Pinkie asks. I send her a confused look.

“I’ve been here for all of half an hour. Why the hell would you send letters?” I ask, ignoring the fact that we technically live in the same town.

“Because I sent them to you four minutes ago!” She says, reaching into my hoodie’s pockets and pulling out three white envelopes. I grab them and look at the addresses. They all read ‘Maxie’s pockets’.

“How the fuck-“ As I question reality, I hear a thud.

“Ow,” David’s voice says. “Max... Why is Pinkie on top of you?”

“She glomped me,” I say. “So, what’s up?”

“Hey! I was talking to you!” Rainbow yells. I sigh, pick up Pinkie, and place her next to me before getting up. I pat myself down to get dirt off me before looking directly at her.

“I don’t care,” I deadpan. I turn to David as Rainbow scoffs in offense. “Again, what’s up?”

“Uh, Twilight’s wondering where you are,” he says. “We need to get back.”

“But I just found Maximus!” Pinkie complains.

“Don’t call me that. I’m sure we can talk more later,” I say to Pinkie before looking at Dave. “This Twilight pony looks a bit uptight, so I think it’s best if I just comply and get it over with.” Dave sighs.

“Don’t get too excited,” he says sarcastically. “I know that you don’t like talking to people, ever since-“

“Alright I’m moving!” I interrupt loudly, quickly walking towards the direction of the castle. This makes me pass Rainbow, who keeps glaring at me as I walk past.

“I’ll reveal you,” she mutters. I stop and turn to her.

“I’ve got nothing to hide,” I say, before turning back and returning to the journey to the castle. Pinkie bounces up to match my speed as David finally catches up.

“Hey, what happened with Skittles?” David asks. I sigh.

“She doesn’t trust me or something,” I say.

“Who couldn’t trust you!? You have a very trustworthy face!” Pinkie says.

“Then you need your eyes checked,” I dryly note, causing her ears to turn down.

“Well, Dashie’s one of my super duper bestest friends!” She says, perking right back up.

“Oh, and I suppose that’s to mean something?” I ask. She nods, unphazed my my remark.

“Yup! She’s super nice when you get to know her!” She says. Dave snickers.

“Yeah, same could be said about Max,” he comments. I shoot him a look before rolling my eyes.

“I can see that! Max acts all grumpy, but I know he’s nice and soft on the inside,” Pinkie says confidently, still bouncing alongside. I ignore her and look at Dave.

“Welp, I’ve got something of a layout of Ponyville in my mind,” I say. “I think I just circled around alot, but at least I know-“

“Oh! Did you see SugarCube Corner!? I work there, it’s full of the best sweets and pastries in all of Equestria!” Pinkie starts rambling, and I tune her out, looking over at Dave with a tired expression. He laughs, shaking his head. “... and then Applejack started pouring potato chips in and-“

“And we’re here!” I call out, turning to Pinkie. “Thanks for walking with us, but we’re really tired, so I’m probably gonna go take a nap. Bye bye!” With that, I grab David’s arm and star hurrying, dragging him.

“Oh! Do you want-“

“Nope!” I say, not even looking behind as I start running up the steps, with Dave scrambling to move his legs fast enough. I burst through the large castle doors, yank Dave through them, and slam them before Pinkie could get in. I wait a second and listen to the blissful silence. I sigh in relief. “Finally,” I say.

“Ow, that fucking hurt,” Dave says. I look over to see him on the ground, rubbing his arms.

“Sorry,” I say. “You alright? I didn’t throw you too hard, did I?” I ask.

“No, I’m fine. Why were you hurrying?” Dave asks knowingly. I sigh.

“That pony is batshit crazy,” I simply say.

“How? She just looks talkative to me,” he says. I pull out the letters and show him the addresses on them.

“She pulled these out of my fucking pockets Dave. She’s fucking scary,” I say. He laughs.

“Oh come on Max. I’m sure she’s nice,” he says.

“Nope, don’t wanna chance it,” I say.

“Don’t want to chance what?” Another voice asks. We look over to see Twilight standing a little ways away from us.

“Nothing. So, where are our rooms?” Dave asks.

We both plop down onto our separate beds. I close my eyes and sigh as Dave looks over at me. “… Hey Max?” He asks. I crack an eye open.

“Hm?” I hum.

“Why have you been such an asshole to these ponies?” He asks. “I mean, normally you’re rough around the edges, sure, but it feels like you’re being extra on them.” I start to give a smartass response, but I stop. I suppose I have been a little much, even by my standards.

“… I don’t know,” I mutter. “… I want to go home.” Dave sighs and looks over at me with a small, exhausted smile.

“Max, I understand how you’re feeling, but could you pull yourself together?” He asks. I feel myself shrink a bit at the comment, but I won’t reply. He’s right, I need to pull myself together, and fast. In a way, this is all my fault that Dave’s even here. I just had to pounce on the opportunity to hang out with him, and I inadvertently dragged him into this mess. I grimace before Dave starts laughing. I look over at him.

“What’s so funny?” I ask, curious.

“Remember when we jumped out of class in high school?” He asks. I find myself barking out a laugh,

“Yeah, we couldn’t stand the science teacher for one more minute,” I say. “The teacher kept calling on me because she knew I didn’t know shit about, what was it? Rain? Precipitation?” Dave snickers.

“Can’t remember, but that teacher also kept calling on me too. She hated that I had fun in that class,” he says.

“Yeah, and then we both had enough of her shit and ditched her right in the middle of her bitching,” I reminisce. “Granted, security caught us, but still. That was fun as fuck.”

“… That was the first time we really talked to each other, wasn’t it?” Dave asks. I hum in thought.

“Yeah… I suppose it was… Detention had never been so fun,” I say. “Didn’t we ditch detention as well?”

“Yeah. You covered for me when we got caught again, but you had to go right back to detention for it,” Dave says. I nod, looking up at the ceiling.

“Yeah…” with that, our conversation ended. I drift off to sleep, awaiting for morning to come…

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-“ A scream wakes me up, making me yell before realizing what’s going on. Yet again, I am a pile of tendrils.

“It’s okay! It’s okay! It’s just Max!” I hear Dave yell. I look towards the room’s entrance to see a small purple lizard thing. Quickly, I reform myself back to my usual shape and clothes.

“Twilight! There’s a monster!” The purple lizard yells before running off. Dave and I exchange glances before sighing. Today’s gonna be a long day…