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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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How much did the cover art cost you?
8526597
It was a lot lol, can't remember the exact amount (over 200?). Done by Asimos, link is in the summary, his commission details are on there, not sure if they have changed since I got mine done.
So yea... you have heard it before, and will properly hear it again from me, the dream sequence was way way too short. Think about it, if you were playing a game and the character got knocked out, would you then be satisfied with a 20-30 sec long dream sequence that you got thrown into out of the blue, just to be pulled back into the game again? It is 245 words long says my word counter, that is 54secs of read time and 1min 22sec of speaking time, a minute is not long enough to sink into a scene, especially not when you are so direct with your word choices.
Wait... what... Ardent have trouble remembering something! Shit are surely going down now, too bad that there are so few chapters left before I am caught up with the story
I request... Neigh I demand an ear nibble from Nibble as she say that line! I demand it I say! Nibble the ear nibbler will one day rule the Wasteland, not a single ear having gone unnibbled!
So you have properly noticed how my tone have changed a little bit, how it have become sporadic notes instead of fully fetched commentary, its a bad habit of mine when I read stories that I like, I sink in too deep for me to deliver any smart words, and do only wanna stop up and write things down quickly so I can get back to the story once again. So it isn't because I have lost interest, quite the opposite.
So reading that last scene... you should maybe add a "sex" tag to the storry as well as it are getting pretty smexy with some of the things that Ardent are up to
Nitpicks:
" I could see the reflection of the tank like machine made of dark metals filling the hallway. " How does Ardent know what a tank is? Especially since they ain't mentioned in FoE so far I remember.
"The ammonia scent filling the labs was replaced with smell of body odor and burning metal as the doors slid out of the way to reveal a massive manufacturing floor. " This is the first time that you mention the scent in this chapter, which makes it come a bit out of the blue.
"Gale levitated a scalpel and cut a hole in the glass" Just because something is sharp, and I don't really think a wasteland scalpel would be so, they blunt amazingly fast since they are only made to be used once since that is the best way to secure them being sterile, are you not really able to cut into solid matter like that. I know that there are the trope of blades being so sharp that they can cut steel and such, but no matter how sharp an edge is does the following material have width, and that width can't just be forced trough whatever you are cutting. Meat is easy to cut since it is so elastic, but try cutting trough a whole ham and you have to pull the ham to the side or the cuts side will press down on the knife, making it hard to cut... Sorry major nerd gripe, I know.
"The bar reeked of one to many spilled drinks and was full of ponies at all levels of inebriation" The saying is "one too many"
"After the initial wave of praise passed the drinking contest commenced" I think that you are missing a comma here, it left me confused the first few times my eyes went over it before I realised that there could have been one there.