I feel a little embarrassed that it took me this long to finally get to reading this story, especially after being so interested in the premise. I'm glad I finally did. I like it! There aren't many Fallout: Equestria stories that go for environments outside the usual urban wreckage and dusty badlands, and I like how it changes things up here. I like the characters, and there's just enough of a mystery going on to keep me wondering what's really going on. I like the goremoths, too!
For what it's worth, while I came late and missed the original version of the opening, I like the current opening. It gets things going, starts up the plot, and introduces you to the characters through their actions. I think it works pretty well.
The only real critique to come immediately to mind is that Quillwright seems a little too calm and clear at times. I think the most significant case was after she lost her wing. She had a brief freakout, but then it kind of felt like it was largely forgotten about, aside from the rare casual mention. Having her regularly dwelling on it would easily get tiring, but it kind of feels like she got over it very quickly. She also seems fairly calm, rational, and perceptive during fights. Maybe that's just how she is, but she doesn't seem quite that calm and calculating at other times, so I'm not really sure.
Also, as a thorough changeling fanatic, I see that little character tag up there. I'm curious to see whether that has something to do with the Institute, or if it's something else entirely.
8879752 Oh my, Phoenix_Dragon in the flesh! I'm flattered that you enjoyed my story, and thank you for also providing a critique!
I can neither confirm nor deny that you could be onto something.
And I must say that, while I've only read the first chapter of The Chrysalis so far (waiting to dig in once I finish reading Murky Number 7), I was very impressed with your opening and I'm incredibly excited to read the rest!
One of the trophies was knocked off and smashed against the floor while I drew in my hooves and tail, ears frantically darting to and fro.
I've never seen ears being described as "darting to and fro."
Willow didn't seem to understand my hint. "How is it... how's the cloud cover open without the Enclave being here?"
While I could understand the fear of a wasteland pegasus around the possibility of an Enclave attack, I was looking forward to reading a wastelander's first reaction to seeing the sun.
“Thirteen,” Harvest answered, his smile flatlining.
That's a lovely expression to describe an expression.
Willow gave a quick nod. “Yeah, we, uh…” She cleared her throat in an attempt to make her next sentence sound less strange; it failed. “We carried you in and used your hoof to press de keys.”
It's good to see the major characters acting astutely around their world.
“Willow told me you’d agreed to help her even before you knew where your cure might be.” His eyes narrowed as he took one step forward. “Now, you could be an exception, but Steel Rangers have never displayed any altruism towards my… me or anyone other than their own kind.”
“I’m different…”
Maybe I'm forgetting something that transpired in the previous chapters, but isn't Quillwright a dedicated Steel Ranger? So it struck me as odd that she didn't think or say immediately anything to contradict Camphor. She could be self-aware and critical of the Steel Rangers to an extent that still lets her believe in them, I suppose.
A condoling murmur escaped my lips, followed by a weak, “I know. I’m sorry.”
This whole scene was handled very well. It's poignant, and it's straight to the point. It's also a show of the room for development for Quillwright given her lackluster ability to respond to Corona. Also, I'm glad Quillwright is remembering her comrades again. It's hard for me even to remember them meaning much to her, so this emotional response is warranted.
I stomped a hoof. “You know what I mean. That thing just ran past you like you weren’t even there.”
Now that was a clever reveal. And very surprising. With how long Willow and Quillwright had been traveling together at this point, I was expecting we'd learn a big secret of Willow around this time. But even still, I was surprised. Well done!
The rest of the chapter moved quicker to resolution than I think it should've. That confrontation itself could be milked for more, but that's my drama-loving side talking. Otherwise, I don't really have reason to complain about pacing. Given the enormity of action in the last chapter, this chapter could've just been a break spent in one location. But I think it was the right decision to quicken the decrescendo and get right back to the journey. Between the moment with Quillwright and Corona, and the initial visit to the plantation, you're really showing off your range as a writer.
Welp, they are all doomed then... Amazing what one year can do to some names.
Don't really know why it took me so long to come around and read the next chapter, but I finally read it so yay! Lets see if I can complete the next part and catch up before a new chapter is out.
Nitpicks: "I was laying atop a hay-cushioned mattress," Using hay for bedding makes sense for humans and other peeps that don't eat grass, but as a wasteland pony would it be rather silly to make a bed out of food. If you want something like it could you use raw cotton (even if it would be hard to explain that fact to the reader) or furs
"...If I hadn't abandoned them" You forgot a space here
If she’s this torn about the situation, how must Orange Kyanite feel? A newly-promoted Paladin who lost his lover, his best friend, and his mentor in the first abroad expedition that he’d led?
I found Willow's letter adorable. "Kwilrite." Haha. And of course our dear little scribe has to force herself to ignore the bad spelling.
And yeah. The sky. The blue, wide open sky. It's easy to forget and take for granted that (Equestrian) wastelanders haven't seen the sun since the Last Day. Unlike the original games. Mr. Blue Sky should be the song that plays during Fallout Equestria's ending credits, haha.
Like The Amateur said though, huge wasted opportunity of Quill marveling at the sky. She's a pegasus, on top of that. Okay, so her missing wing is probably a good reason not to dwell on this blue sky she can't even enjoy fully anymore, true...
I love the idea and visual of Willow using unconscious!Quill's hoof to open the cloud-locked pharmacy's door. Just smart.
Nice development with Doc Camphor discovering Quill's lying to Willow about having enough money to pay her. Of course, he leaves the story after that... not that I'll miss him one bit. I liked his pet goremoth more than the guy.
And considering this is a first-person pov story... That Quill's real reason for helping save Harvest wasn't even foreshadowed in her thoughts (unless I missed something) strikes me as a mistake.
It's actually one of the issues I've narrowed down about the narration in the fic. It should work together with the first-person pov, but the way it's written makes it sometimes work against the entire point of limited perspective instead.
It was nice to see Quill remember Orange Kyanite. You know, her boyfriend. So far, Quill's been quite... not thinking of the survivors at all if memory serves. Even when she refuses to sell the dead ones' belongings, it always feels more like she's worrying about being a proper Steel Ranger rather than actually knowing and caring about these people.
We're reminded here that Orange's her lover... and she barely thought or worried about him until now. She obviously has more pressing issues and I'm all for not weighing the story down with unnecessary angst, but it's hard to feel/remember that Quill wasn't alone when she ventured into Stable 56.
I mean, I don't mind because I don't care one bit about all those prologue NPCs, but it's worth mentioning. I did like that part because of how it influenced Quill ("So why didn't Orange Kyanite come back for you?"), so at least they're useful accessories to her.
After that, we get to a mansion. As the only refuge from torrential rain. It's heralded by beheaded porcelain dolls used like shrunken heads and there's a lynched synth hanging from the chandelier. Oh, and it used to be a slave plantation if I remember the next chapter right back then too.
Yes, clearly today was the right day to reread and comment on this specific chapter, haha.
And then, we discover Willow Wisp is a ghoul... or at least is turning into one. Nice twist. And kudos to Quill's reaction here... though maybe there's some 'lacking foreshadowing' at play again, and she won't be so nice later on.
Of course, it does feel strange that you'd need to find reasons for someone to not hate ghouls rather than the other way round, but this is the Fallout (Equestria) world. And we're dealing with the not!Brotherhood of Steel.
Finally, lines I liked;
The bullet wound on my neck throbbed subtly, buried in healing magic
Harvest answered, his smile flatlining.
She cleared her throat in an attempt to make her next sentence sound less strange; it failed.
“It’s got some sensitive new tissue that hurts somethin' awful, but it’s a small price to pay for airtight lungs.”
The hint of a grin tugged at the corners of Camphor’s mouth.
a brigade of bruise-colored clouds rumbled in from the west, knitted themselves together, and blotted out the sunlight once again.
Did you get the story's title from the RWBY song From Shadows?
8863380
Negative. I'm afraid I haven't gotten around to watching any of RWBY.
Willow is a very ghoul pony! get it like cool but uhhh ghoul-! Eeeeeeeeee
Also also!!
EEEEEEEEEE
I feel a little embarrassed that it took me this long to finally get to reading this story, especially after being so interested in the premise. I'm glad I finally did. I like it! There aren't many Fallout: Equestria stories that go for environments outside the usual urban wreckage and dusty badlands, and I like how it changes things up here. I like the characters, and there's just enough of a mystery going on to keep me wondering what's really going on. I like the goremoths, too!
For what it's worth, while I came late and missed the original version of the opening, I like the current opening. It gets things going, starts up the plot, and introduces you to the characters through their actions. I think it works pretty well.
The only real critique to come immediately to mind is that Quillwright seems a little too calm and clear at times. I think the most significant case was after she lost her wing. She had a brief freakout, but then it kind of felt like it was largely forgotten about, aside from the rare casual mention. Having her regularly dwelling on it would easily get tiring, but it kind of feels like she got over it very quickly. She also seems fairly calm, rational, and perceptive during fights. Maybe that's just how she is, but she doesn't seem quite that calm and calculating at other times, so I'm not really sure.
Also, as a thorough changeling fanatic, I see that little character tag up there. I'm curious to see whether that has something to do with the Institute, or if it's something else entirely.
8879752
Oh my, Phoenix_Dragon in the flesh! I'm flattered that you enjoyed my story, and thank you for also providing a critique!
I can neither confirm nor deny that you could be onto something.
And I must say that, while I've only read the first chapter of The Chrysalis so far (waiting to dig in once I finish reading Murky Number 7), I was very impressed with your opening and I'm incredibly excited to read the rest!
adding to reading que.
8917054
I hope you enjoy!
Mulisiana is based off of the middle east, right?
9037953
No, it's a peninsula equivalent to Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, and Florida all mashed together.
9161709
The second half is currently in-progress! I don't want y'all to wait too much longer
9190840
Absolute madlads
9509639
That really, really means a lot! Thank you~<3
I've never seen ears being described as "darting to and fro."
While I could understand the fear of a wasteland pegasus around the possibility of an Enclave attack, I was looking forward to reading a wastelander's first reaction to seeing the sun.
That's a lovely expression to describe an expression.
It's good to see the major characters acting astutely around their world.
Maybe I'm forgetting something that transpired in the previous chapters, but isn't Quillwright a dedicated Steel Ranger? So it struck me as odd that she didn't think or say immediately anything to contradict Camphor. She could be self-aware and critical of the Steel Rangers to an extent that still lets her believe in them, I suppose.
This whole scene was handled very well. It's poignant, and it's straight to the point. It's also a show of the room for development for Quillwright given her lackluster ability to respond to Corona. Also, I'm glad Quillwright is remembering her comrades again. It's hard for me even to remember them meaning much to her, so this emotional response is warranted.
Now that was a clever reveal. And very surprising. With how long Willow and Quillwright had been traveling together at this point, I was expecting we'd learn a big secret of Willow around this time. But even still, I was surprised. Well done!
The rest of the chapter moved quicker to resolution than I think it should've. That confrontation itself could be milked for more, but that's my drama-loving side talking. Otherwise, I don't really have reason to complain about pacing. Given the enormity of action in the last chapter, this chapter could've just been a break spent in one location. But I think it was the right decision to quicken the decrescendo and get right back to the journey. Between the moment with Quillwright and Corona, and the initial visit to the plantation, you're really showing off your range as a writer.
Welp, they are all doomed then... Amazing what one year can do to some names.
Don't really know why it took me so long to come around and read the next chapter, but I finally read it so yay! Lets see if I can complete the next part and catch up before a new chapter is out.
Nitpicks:
"I was laying atop a hay-cushioned mattress," Using hay for bedding makes sense for humans and other peeps that don't eat grass, but as a wasteland pony would it be rather silly to make a bed out of food. If you want something like it could you use raw cotton (even if it would be hard to explain that fact to the reader) or furs
"...If I hadn't abandoned them" You forgot a space here
Wait what? Lover??
I found Willow's letter adorable. "Kwilrite." Haha. And of course our dear little scribe has to force herself to ignore the bad spelling.
And yeah. The sky. The blue, wide open sky. It's easy to forget and take for granted that (Equestrian) wastelanders haven't seen the sun since the Last Day. Unlike the original games. Mr. Blue Sky should be the song that plays during Fallout Equestria's ending credits, haha.
Like The Amateur said though, huge wasted opportunity of Quill marveling at the sky. She's a pegasus, on top of that. Okay, so her missing wing is probably a good reason not to dwell on this blue sky she can't even enjoy fully anymore, true...
I love the idea and visual of Willow using unconscious!Quill's hoof to open the cloud-locked pharmacy's door. Just smart.
Nice development with Doc Camphor discovering Quill's lying to Willow about having enough money to pay her. Of course, he leaves the story after that... not that I'll miss him one bit. I liked his pet goremoth more than the guy.
And considering this is a first-person pov story... That Quill's real reason for helping save Harvest wasn't even foreshadowed in her thoughts (unless I missed something) strikes me as a mistake.
It's actually one of the issues I've narrowed down about the narration in the fic. It should work together with the first-person pov, but the way it's written makes it sometimes work against the entire point of limited perspective instead.
It was nice to see Quill remember Orange Kyanite. You know, her boyfriend. So far, Quill's been quite... not thinking of the survivors at all if memory serves. Even when she refuses to sell the dead ones' belongings, it always feels more like she's worrying about being a proper Steel Ranger rather than actually knowing and caring about these people.
We're reminded here that Orange's her lover... and she barely thought or worried about him until now. She obviously has more pressing issues and I'm all for not weighing the story down with unnecessary angst, but it's hard to feel/remember that Quill wasn't alone when she ventured into Stable 56.
I mean, I don't mind because I don't care one bit about all those prologue NPCs, but it's worth mentioning. I did like that part because of how it influenced Quill ("So why didn't Orange Kyanite come back for you?"), so at least they're useful accessories to her.
After that, we get to a mansion. As the only refuge from torrential rain. It's heralded by beheaded porcelain dolls used like shrunken heads and there's a lynched synth hanging from the chandelier. Oh, and it used to be a slave plantation if I remember the next chapter right back then too.
Yes, clearly today was the right day to reread and comment on this specific chapter, haha.
And then, we discover Willow Wisp is a ghoul... or at least is turning into one. Nice twist. And kudos to Quill's reaction here... though maybe there's some 'lacking foreshadowing' at play again, and she won't be so nice later on.
Of course, it does feel strange that you'd need to find reasons for someone to not hate ghouls rather than the other way round, but this is the Fallout (Equestria) world. And we're dealing with the not!Brotherhood of Steel.
Finally, lines I liked;