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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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So I can see a lot of sentences that could have a better flow than they have. Now I do not know if this is just an unlucky chapter, or if I am just feeling bitchy today since I haven't slept properly and are sitting here with what feels like a mild heartburn, but this is another kind of downward spiral of quality. It should be noticed that the sentences can easily be fixed since in a lot of cases is it breaking one flowing sentence up into "I did this. I then did this. I ended it with this". A good rule of thump is if you are starting your sentences with the same word 3 times in a row are there something wrong.
So I had something really well thought out written down about this segment, a suggestion even to show what I mean with the "combine" comments down in nitpicks, but my computer was a bitch and ate it all
Compared to a lot of your other descriptions is this very mechanic and dry, which really dosn't work for an action scene. We have a lot of sudden stops with the many periods, think of this scene as an action scene in a movie, each period being a cut in the action. Right now are we having a very very jumpy scene, looking at you newer Marvel movies, while a bit longer scenes, a few more descriptive words to pull us in, paint the pictures, would do wonders. Now short sentences and a lot of periods can work to make a scene look hectic and chaotic, but it needs to be even shorter then, 4-5 words max, as a single still picture after still picture flash in front of the readers mental screen.
Slightly edited for spoiler purposes, but what is it with your and your facination of ruining the eyesight of so many charactes? Do you have some secret cyclops fetish that you want to live out? Got bit by an optician as little? Why is it that you have such a thing for eyes!
Nope just nope. He are holding something in his mouth which brings the full focus of the Breezy on him, and are trying to be all stealthy like taking something from his neck, and then kick the grenade in front of him as he walks… This is on the level of Solid Snake sneaking around in a carboard box and working kinda "WTF NO!" stealth. This story have been so smart up until now, and then it tries pulling this… Son I am dissapoint.
I do not know if you had a bad month when you wrote this… But a grenade to the face and the only damage is the cheeks getting gory? Sorry but that is the most anti climatic thing that I have ever read, and as a cherry on top do we get a last word after its head and most of the neck should be salsa painting the cave. Symphony had to fucking run in gallop away from the plasma grenade the same second he dropped it to not be scorged, but a grenade in your mouth and you bleed like a bad trip to the dentist. Beside… that cherry on top with the last request and fulfilling it felt so forced. Symphony have just completed an assasination of a sentient being, but it is all allright since it gets a dolly that will be looted next time someone come by
Every story have its ups and downs, and right now is this one quickly spiraling downward with the last few chapters. Not going to put it on the shelf just yet thou, want to at least read this arc to the end before I take any final choices. Can still improve in quality when the focus is a bit more focused after all.
Nitpicks
"To replace Lyra…." four periods
" but I was expecting a large compound of some sort" delete the butt
"The vulpa lunged towards Mirage. I expected her to try and evade it. That’s what I would have done. Mirage simply scowled and retrieved her shotgun from the holster on her back. She took aim and prepared to fire. The vulpa’s eye exploded before she had the chance to. The vulpa lost its bearings and crashed onto the ground before us. " Repeating the same word so often does not make for the best flow.
"He shook his head. He looked at me and Packrat with a smirk." combine into one sentence
" I turned my head. Lamentation was standing behind me with a cigarette in his mouth" combine into one sentence
"Mirage either didn’t hear him," Linebreak
" The three of us took our positions behind the boulder. We trained our guns at the mouth of the cave" Combine into one sentence
"I heard her the first time. I had removed one of my grenades with no band. I removed it without pulling the pin and bucked it towards Mirage," I would not say combine into one sentence, but maybe into two?
" The force of the explosion knocked her backwards. She fell onto the ground and skidded when she hit the ground. " Combine into one
"I heard a symphony of thuds." came
"I had no love lost on vulpas after my experience with the venom." Plural?
"Vulpas who had survived the flames and explosions, and Mirage’s sporadic fire, came out of the cave." Since you are starting a new sentence would I start it out with "The"
" I wanted to stay conservative with my shots. I had learned Savage only needed to be reloaded, but Memento had legitimately jammed. I didn’t want to overuse it and risk another jam. I kept my eyes on the vicinity around Mirage." A-a-ay! A lot of I sentences
" Mirage finished it off by eviscerating it. Mirage’s body was drenched in the blood and guts of vulpas. " combine
"The Nocti smirked and nodded. She kept her eyes closed" combine
"I shook my head. I wasn’t thirsty." combine
" Its claws swiped in random directions. It spat out a constant stream of venom. " combine
" She was removing a syringe from her cheek," flank?
"The good news was I had survived" You never came with any bad news.
" I couldn’t tell what her colors her" where
"and I could barely make out her butterfly cutie mark" Delete. You just made a mystery for the readers by saying it was too dark to see the colour of her hide properly, then don't ruin it by telling what the cutiemark is.
" I reached into my bag and wrapped my jaws around the figurine of Fluttershy" delete, explained above
" The grenade fell to the ground. It barely made a sound." combine
"This shot simply broke the camel’s back. " The shot is an explosion, and the sentence could easily be deleted.
"Do me a favor and get me some hydra and Med-X" Hydra is a name in this situation, so capital letter.
" She staggered towards where Packrat had been laying down. Mirage lied beside her and groaned loudly." combine
"My attempt to repair until morning was equally useless." repair? Wrong word much?
" The sounds she made resembled how she snored…. " 4 periods
Took me 3 days to complete the chapter and write my full chapter review/feedback/comment. But it is done at last!