7851616

Heh Yeah working on it now.

As promised, here's my review of the introduction and chapter 1:

Review

7852703

Yup read it and love it and yes I do agree with you on the intro part. I didn't think about that really. But eh it happens you make a story and then you think about it later on lol

8164445

Oh the wondeful thing of a commet

8430647

LOL thank you for your kind words of course. I do see a lot of what you say and yes it is rushed in some spots. and kidnapping hmm I don't see it. But of course this was one of my first stories so the first story in my honest opinion can be screwed up. Most of this was done two years ago and It took me just recently to find an editor. Anyway thank you for your honest words. I am making sure my next stories are ten times better.

If the main OCs in this story were voiced, what would they sound like?

8637741

Alright lets see. Tiria would sound like Weaver. Silver Gunner would sound like Soundwave. Shadow would sound like Jack black without the stupidity and Kipkipe would sound like a motherly version of Tempest.

i like the story so far i have come across some not many misplaced words but other then that its wonderful i hope the second story will be out soon im almost done with this one

8642102

Yes I can understand the misplaced words. But hey at least it's good But anyway ahem The second story is already done and fully compleated the story just needs to be edited.

First chapter is already out it will be awhile before i get the other's.

so this is mainly in reference to chapter 1, from the audio book on youtub, and about a few things that, and where I was taken out of the story. I'm not asking for changes, just pointing out week points, of which I'm betting you have already seen, and fixed for your other story's. we have all been there.

Firstly, the how the Vulf'van are set up, passed exiting the stable, feels disjointed, and not properly thought through, I get what your going for, but they came off as assholes for assholes sake. Driving her out makes scene, but it felt gratuitous, forcing me to hate then, but not becuse they were wrong, but because they have nothing else to them but the excessive hatred for Tiria. Personally, I would have had them make here a non person, where they simply didn't acnolang her presence. This way you can have her being rejected by the tribe without it being personal, and the option of her returning not sonding like a holow joke.

Next, the existance of the moon warriors, a group expected to leave, and die. Which means, any Vulf'van part of this group who leaves the den might as well just leave for their mission, and go do something else. It be one thing if it's a brand a warrior gets when doing a suicide mission, and if they survive, are seen as heroes, but their treated like second class citizens, the cannon fodder expected to die. I get it if their born mentally damaged, and are simply being cut out of the mating pool, so their brainwashed to be suisidle warriors, but then theirs Tiria.

My biggest gripe, the one that just ruined the chapter, was that Tiria recognized what guns are, and how to use them when... they don't know what guns are as stated in the beginning of the chapter. what I was expecting to happen was her to start the fight clueless, and get scared when they fired at her,not understanding what guns were. The term "thinderstick" would have been made appropriate in the chapter.

overall, I get what your trying to do, but the Vulf'van are two disjointed to take seriously, though I bet as the story goes on, it gets better. I give you credit for originality, your not just copping an preexisting idea, but the story fails to keep me in the world, not for the lack of trying I'll give it that, and it's not boring, but the first chapter is glaringly broken.

8734185

Thank you for the respectful criticism and yes I do understand. That was a mistake on my part so long ago. I never went back and read it. When I did I was like..Ugh I did that really? Oh well thankfully I did better later. on so trying to make sure these mistakes never happen again.

8734219
that's how things are, and it's really annoying when someone goes, "You need to change this, and that." when it's something you did a year back. still the Vulf'van idea is interesting, and if you ever go back to revisit it, I think readers wouldn't mind a little reckoning to make them work. It's what I did with the Lurkers, with updating their designee, and better defining their magic ability. personally, the Vulf'van, with their backstory, would make an interesting pony hybrid, given the proper tweaking. anywho, I'll try to keep up with the audio book on youtube, see where the story gose.

8734304

Of course I was going to go back and fix it. But eh life got the better of me and I forgot. So I thought eh i will see what i can do with another story. Now I have one more after rainfall the one after isle of the lost. Then that is the last and final FOE story i am doing. Now I have one in the works called Metal ring. Then there is Mystery mountain Rat paws and frozen clock. I will need to try to get those done. But I am mostly focusing on Rainfall.

8637743
And who is Weaver and where is she from?

8798505

If you ever saw alien and the main female character.

8798509
What do you think a motherly version of Tempest would sound like?

9187533

Not sure

9717133
Cool! Maybe I'll wait for that then.

9717921

It will be awhile but I do have other stories if you feel like reading them.

9717928
Perhaps I will, but I've already got over a hundred stories in my read later bookshelf...oops.

10775529

This was my first story. So there might be some issues.