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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Hey. I'm not wanting to be rude, but your short description is fairly dull. It barely tells anything about the story, nor does it peak my interest with some unique sentences. All it says is basically "Join this nobody on some adventure through the Wasteland, like you've all done so before many times!".
You should add some uniqueness to it, so it captures the wandering eye's attention. What makes your story different to all the rest? The short description is supposed to answer this question in a few sentences.
Dealing the finishing blow to a giant robot Cerberus is sure to kick off a life of adventure!
I've seen a lot of Fo:E stories on this site, and this one's starting out relatively strong. We get a chance to see our protagonist and the traits she has that make her special, and get to see a bit of our supporting cast in action. Cool!
That being said, I feel like we're missing a bit of detail when it comes to Ardent and the life she's lived until this point. She's obviously bored and wants to join the action, having lived in a town where nothing ever happens, but so far we haven't seen anything to really justify how she feels; in fact, she seems to have a pretty safe and happy life, if a bit uneventful.
Still, it was the first chapter, and I'm sure we'll be getting more insight later on.
I'll hold off giving a "like" just yet. But I'm definitely adding this to my "Tracking" list.
'Till next chapter.
-Erised
Thrown in the middle of action, that's quite a beginning. You have my attention for the next chapters
Both Ardent and the Elpis party have interesting traits and features, the grammar and spelling is good, your style enjoyable and flowing quite well. Also, if I can already judge, the setting in the Equestrian wasteland is well-done too.
The only recurring issue I noticed are missing apostrophes in possessive adjectives - I'll give you a list of examples through PM, no reason to have a comment section plaqued with mistakes once corrected.
Wait no prologue? No introduction to the story? No way for me to ease into the writing style and present my REVIEW TIME... Well so be it, lets get this train on track and head out there into the wasteland!
This is not your typical "In media res" start to a story, but damn how do I love it when you get that little snipit of normal life before shit hits the fan and the characters world get turned upside down. We haven't learned so much about the characters, so dosn't have that much to say this time around, beside that a little short prologue would do wonders, it is the classical way of doing it after all.
Nitpicks: This is the part of the review where I let the pre-reader part of my brain take over and comment on some of the things that I simply can't miss.
"She glanced over. “Are you staring at my flank?” she said playfully.
I blushed. Not staring, just momentarily checking. “N-no.”" I was expecting some more back and forth between the two, if Nibble was flirting did she not really do a good job, and if she was offended and hiding it did it not show up that well.
"They were about to lose this fight.." Double period
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(Quick fix of that double period and) Hey there thanks for taking the time to comment! I definitely see what you mean with the Nibble part, even an extra line would do wonders to set the tone. It is meant to be flirty and no offense taken.
I tried to make a prologue a few times but I always felt I set the wrong atmosphere or revealed more then I wanted, and the first chapter seemed to do what I wanted without so I decided to hit the ground running.
I appreciate the feedback and look forward to any future comments. Hope you enjoy!