• Member Since 18th Apr, 2015

theassassin


"If I'm poppin' a wheelie it's cause I'm jacking your bike! Got my middle finger raised as I'm runnin' red lights!" -Charlie Scene

Highly Recommended Stories 23 stories
Found 20 stories in 49ms

Total Words: 770,246
Estimated Reading: 2 days

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(This fic contains spoilers of varying levels for Saints Row IV.)
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With a full crew of Saints aboard the... Ship and the Simulation all but theirs, Kinzie Kensington and Matt Miller have had surprisingly little to do with their time. Still, with the Boss still putting the Simulation through the wringer, Kinzie has had the pleasure of poking through the Zin's systems at her leisure and looking at what she wanted to look at.

And after a particular urge to check out the Zin's prisoners, she finds a host of different alien species... Including a... unicorn. A unicorn with especially high cyber security. Anything that Zinyak wants to keep safe must be good for Saints. Wary of the ridicuousness of the prospect, the President of the United States mounts a rescue.
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(Featured 12/29/2014! And 01/09/2015! And 02/13/2015! And 02/27/2015! And 08/29/2015! Holy fuck!)

Chapters (17)
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Everyone knows that Russia is shifty at best and about as reliable as back alley surgery. I mean, that's been a given in our world since Ivan the Terrible was around. Unfortunately, the Princesses of Equestria haven't exactly learned this lesson, and have left themselves terribly open to a cyber attack launched by the Russian Federation.

But what exactly is Putin after?

Currently relevant, absurd pony political satire. Teen for hidden innuendos.
A number of links are provided in-story at relevant points. Be warned, a significant amount of political flaming (biased against everyone equally) within.

EDIT: Featured 1/2/17! Thanks so much!

Chapters (1)
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Rainbow wants to penetrate things and Twilight teaches her how. A few problems become immediately apparent.

Too much power, too much depth, not enough material science.





Editing by Autarch Prime

Chapters (2)
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Discord finds out about of Pinkie's enjoyment of his cotton candy, chocolate milk rain clouds, so he decides to treat her to some. Maybe he gets a lesson about friendship out of it?

Chapters (2)
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One morning, Twilight wakes up to discover that everypony she knows is now a Princess just like her.


Warning: Contains silliness and nonsense with no rhyme or reason for it.

Chapters (1)
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Twilight and Spike are up late once again. Starlight, however, isn't having it tonight.

Inspired by the cover image, drawn by dSana.

Chapters (1)
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This story is a sequel to You're NOT a Lesbian, Rainbow Dash!


Displeased at the chaos that their lack of basic sexual education has caused, Princess Celestia teleports Spike, Rainbow Dash, and Twilight Sparkle to her throne room to have a few words.

Unfortunately, Twilight manages to derail the conversation with something she sees as being of far greater importance.

Warning! Contains suggestive topic references of sexual nature.

Special thanks to Octavia Harmony for editing.

Chapters (1)
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With how much ponies stumble, fall, crash, take hits, and get things dropped on them, you'd think they would... you know... actually get hurt.

Well it turns out there's a reason for that!

The reason: Ponies are squishy.

Awesome reading done by CaptainBron3y A.K.A TheCaptainSand - Scarlett Blade. Check him out!

Chapters (1)
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Celestia has been waiting for this night her entire life; Twilight Sparkle has been destined to come for years upon decades upon centuries. But she didn't know to expect her student like this.

She steels herself anyway. She pours some tea, and welcomes Twilight with open hooves.

Then the two of them have a talk.

Chapters (1)
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You personally don't believe in Valentine's Day. Thinking the real reason it exists is to increase the profit of card and flower companies. To you, the holiday is meaningless. Many would say you're just sour you have nobody to spend it with. But that's not the case. No, no, you have a valid reason as to why you dislike Valentines Day. But your perception of the romantic day is changed when you (quite literally) bump into a ditzy classmate.

*Yeah it's a day late, oh well. Hope you enjoy it nevertheless.

Chapters (1)