• Member Since 21st Feb, 2013

Officer Hotpants


Quando omni flunkus, moritati

Nonsensical Stories 56 stories
  • Nonsensical Stories 56 stories - 43 unread chapters "...For if you go back through the way you came in the daM doG will swallow your mind."
    Created by Officer Hotpants
    - October, 2014
Found 33 stories in 75ms

Total Words: 797,859
Estimated Reading: 2 days

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Shining Armor and Prince Blueblood have always been a bit testy.
It comes to a head when they put their coin purse where their mouth is.
They compete to see who has the biggest balls in Equestria.

Things get a little nuts.

Chapters (1)
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Sunset Shimmer hangs out around the Wondercolt statue with her dear friends, Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash. They await the arrival of one Starswirl the Bearded to aide them in recovering and safeguarding magical mysteries he once left behind in their world.

Some mysteries of which he's only just now discovering for himself, however.


Part of the Anarchyverse. A sequel to All These Midnight Days, but you can read this without it.

Chapters (1)
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James is good friends with a couple of ponies.

James is not aware that he has a disorder.


Inspired by Admiral Biscuit's writing challenge.

Chapters (1)
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Anon decides it's time to test out a theory of his. If the ponies can go around naked all day, then why can't he?

I mean, what's the worst that could happen, right?

Chapters (1)
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Anon has been in Ponyville for almost three months now and has noticed some of the odd behaviors of the local ponies, they seem to burst out into song whenever they feel like and it can spread until it affects the whole town seemingly. Thanks to the fact that none of the ponies have ever heard him sing a few of those he's acquainted with grow concerned and curious about his ability to sing.



Completed for now.
No art because I'm not a popular kid.
Profanity because Fuck you.
Sex because of naughty words not naughty deeds.
If someone else already has a similar story, good job you probs did it better but here it is.

Chapters (1)
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This story is a sequel to Anon’s a Villain Again


Well, I believe the title says it all. It’s been a couple years since his last conquest, and Anon decides to conquer the world because he made a bet with Celestia. This time, he ain’t McCluckin’ around. Welcome, to the finale of this trilogy.

Featured on March 17th, 2021

Author’s note: Y’all, I’m sorry this didn’t come out exactly when the last one reached 500 likes, but I didn’t think it’d come this fast, Jesus.

Chapters (5)
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This story is a sequel to Anon’s a Villain and Wins


So, villainy was profitable the first time. Anon managed to wrangle up revenue from properties he owned, but due to how every pony was still a little pissed, they got some dope lawyers and kicked him out of the country. Thankfully, he’s still got his squad to back him up as he decides to come out of retirement and be a super villain in the Crystal Empire instead... that is, until some jackass tries to do it first.

This time around, there’ll be like, three chapters and an epilogue.
Warning: naughty no-no words.

Featured: January 7, 2021

Chapters (4)
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Anon is a villain. Not a particularly good one, but... he’s a villain. Let’s see what stupid shit he did this time.

A one-shot inspired by “If movie Villains didn’t waste time”

Chapters (2)
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Three new mares enter Ponyville, and they've got some changes to make to everyone's favorite little pony-filled hamlet.

EDIT (October 2021) - First G5-inspired fanfic ever published AFAIK. Obviously this was just based on complete speculation knowing nothing about the characters.

Chapters (1)
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Featured on January 24th-28th, 2020

You stumbled apon facing the toughest challenge since coming to Equestria; fighting off three overpowered villains with a bell to take all the magic from the ponies. It is up to you to help stop them from getting more powerful by using yourself as bait. When Chrysalis encounters you though, a clever idea struck your vision.

To ask her out!

Cover art by mirroredsea

Audio reading by StraightToThePointStudio

Chapters (1)