A List · 7:08am Oct 21st, 2022
All The Things Wrong With Me:
- I'm too tall
- I'm too chubby
- My face looks weird
- I'm too hairy
- My feet are too big
- I keep getting myself hurt
- I'm too stupid and stubborn
- I'm insistent on trying to be a girl (We all know that one won't happen)
- I'm always getting sick
- I have no motivation anymore
- I'm low on ideas for stories or art
- All I can do is sit and futilely play games to try and distract from my deep sadness
- I'm just a big utter failure
- I hate being in this house
- I hate my family's constant fighting
Why am I like this....???? What in fuck did I do to deserve all this? Is this all because Satan lured me in and slowly corrupted everything I know and he's making me write this right now looking for validation that i won't believe anyways because he's in my head and wants me to be miserable, and I know it's wrong for me to want things because those are worldly stupid things, i just want to give up any fighting i have left and just make myself be something i don't feel i am because feelings dont matter; all theyve ever done for me is hurt me, feelings just are so fucking stupid, why am i even writing this
i just need to fucking shut up and get this out of my system and watch myself break down because those are the funnest moments in life because suffering is all there is
Aye, you too...?
Maybe you expect me to come here and say everything is fine, all these are just your imagination, in reality everything will be alright, and while I do believe the latter... many of this list's entries (but by no means all of them) are legitimate problems. How do I know? Well, I have to deal with them myself...
I started severely gaining on weight about nine months ago, and have sinced developed a noticeable belly bulge. It's not that bad yet, but it's going to be if I don't do anything about it...
I look a little femininely by now due to my efforts, but my facial hair grows way too fast to keep up with shaving it.
Furthermore, all my creative spirit is gone by now, or at least withheld in some prison somewhere, waiting to be released. I have ideas, don't get me wrong, but I just... just can't commit to writing them, you know? It seems so tiring and hard. It didn't use to.
And yet, I can tell you that it gets better in time. It really does, even if there's no way you'll believe me right now, which is perfectly understandable. I also don't believe that wanting 'worldly things' is necessarily a bad thing; of course, in extreme cases it can lead to narcissism, but that's not the case for you. You just want not to feel miserable, which is something nearly anyone deserves and which God himself would surely want you to be (as in, want you not to be miserable). For us humans, sometimes that is what we need to be happy.
And that same thing stands for wanting to be a girl, you know. And will it happen? Only time will tell, as I can't know the future for certain, but even if for now you think it won't, the world has a way of surprising us with things.
Oh, and one more thing... this will sound pretty generic and all, but if you have problems, have to endure hardships and struggle with life... don't be afraid to reach out. It's not necessarily seeking validation even, it's simply seeking help.
And people need other people.
https://open.spotify.com/track/06DCSpBwFNXRPRBeQUzZ14?si=u1XMZCMySzmzwlXZZXYBnQ