Ghost Mike's Ponyfic Review Monday Musings #29 · 5:00pm Sep 19th, 2022
Another mild milestone this week! First story reviewed to be over 35,000 words long, if not quite a novel (apart from having fewer conflicts than one, it doesn’t hit the loose 40K cutoff threshold), and also the longest review week yet, with 50K worth of writing across these five stories.
And also the shortest story, at less than a thousand words. Yeah, I don’t know how that’s a thing either.
So, you know, still making progress towards getting longer stories in here, and more frequently. About all you can ask for sometimes, no? In the meantime, today’s a solid roster, not as all-round great as last week’s Really Good-dominated batch, but still all stories I’m glad to have read, with several just missing that rating. So, you know, some good ’uns.
This Week’s Spectral Stories:
We're Trapped in Stone, and We Must Scream by King of Madness
Winning, and Why by 8686
The Thief and the Princess by Muramasa
Buckball Abstract by Pineta
An Indecent Proposal by PaulAsaran
Weekly Word Count: 50,431 Words
We're Trapped in Stone, and We Must Scream by King of Madness
Genre: Dark
Chrysalis, Tirek, Cozy Glow
3,061 Words
August 2022
Eras. Untold eras pass at an agonisingly slow rate for the three forever encased in stone. Unable to move, feel, smell or taste. But they can see and hear everything (well, except the ones who shut their eyes at the moment of petrification). And thus, they think. They brood. They reflect. And in all that time, the emotions felt at the time it all began, well, they only brew and intensify.
Despite a not-small chunk of page space for the three character chapters here being given to each of the Legion of Doom reflecting on what Discord did to them (most prominently for Tirek, naturally), knowing full what what they would endure, this isn’t really another fic bashing on the terrible writing decision that was the trio’s fate (though that hasn’t stopped the comments getting into lengthy debates about the moral ethics of all characters involved in Seasons 8 & 9 – my friends, that way lies madness). Nor is it the trio regretting their mistakes that brought them to that point, the other go-to direction, though there are hints of that around the edges.
Instead, this focuses more on the trope that gives the fic its name, And I Must Scream. Given the short length, and that each member only gets around a thousand words each, and that each chapter is split into the initial petrification, thoughts over the eras, and a final lasting sentiment, it’s amazing how much impact is worn from the short, clipped thoughts of each of the trio. Thus, even while this is well-worn territory, the combination of finely-tuned thoughts with biting, yet also restrained thought delivery makes this one land well.
It is not, perhaps, so effective that it will totally win over those tired stiff of fics tackling this material (I am, to be clear, one of those folks). But it handles itself well enough within those parameters, balancing the varying tones and darkness levels quite deftly that even as none of its thoughts are new, they don’t feel tired, even if they don’t come around to fresh either.
Oh, except for the actual ending. That’s new.
Rating: Decent
Winning, and Why by 8686
Genre: Slice of Life
Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy
36,691 Words
July 2015Reread
In the midst of their weekly board game, Rainbow Dash learns that not only has Fluttershy never won anything, she doesn’t see why winning is so important. Unable to take this, Rainbow Dash sets about arranging an event that Fluttershy will win. Because winning… it makes you feel something Dash can’t describe, and she wants Fluttershy to feel that.
8686 is one of those authors who, at least for me (though I gather for many others too), has always been a reliable source of quality. Of the twelve stories of theirs I’ve read (I skipped three dubious-looking ones), a healthy mixture of gentle, easygoing slice-of-life pieces that demonstrate remarkable show-like characterisation, and other more dramatic pieces that show off their writing chops even more while feeling of the same place, virtually none have failed to put me in a good mood. Honestly, rereading them to re-evaluate them is almost a needless task, I’m that sure of their quality (though some will be better then others, no doubt). But on the other hand, someone’s bound to have not read them, and I get to treat myself. Still a win-win!
This story, a Rainbow Dash-Fluttershy friendship tale, is firmly in the former camp, and even there, the relaxed, ambient approach to the events therein makes it even more gentle than it appears at first glance. Based on the above rudimentary teaser (look, I don’t get paid for this), you might assume that this story doesn’t have nearly enough content for 37K. That would be correct, except the main external event (which is more Dash recruiting the Mane 5 to help out) is only half the story. The other half, and arguably the more important one, is the flashbacks dispersed through the chapters. These show how Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash met, key events between them during Flight Camp that establish why Dash means so much to Fluttershy, and why Dash goes out of her way constantly. As the event is set up in the present, the past story continues to catch up through to the two moving to Ponyville at their own pace, one or two establishing moments with the town, and finally comes full circle with the story’s start.
This constant cross-cutting (most chapters average two present-day scenes and two past ones) could spell disaster, or at least rudimentary material, yet 8686 is able to keep it engaging even as it spools out at a leisurely trot. The past scenes will probably be more engaging, as they can more accurately surprise with their content, as they are telling a character bond, less an interconnected external narrative. But though this can make the present-day scenes feel a bit lesser, they’re no slouch; the personalities of the Mane 5 are used well in each of their establishing moments as Dash finds agreement (or not) in why winning makes you feel so good. That said, they are still a lesser half, both for still taking too long and for the main takeaway of the story, Dash and Fluttershy interacting, being banished for plot reasons. Thankfully, it all comes together at the end with a predictable yet really warm and fuzzy climax that deftly merges the two plotlines, and while it doesn’t quite justify the odd cross-cutting or the story being a bit too slow even for its tone and goal, it comes so close it may as well count.
What that leaves us with is an occasionally sluggish yet beautifully sincere, friendly and warm depiction of both friendship, winning, competition, and how they inform each other. Not something that’s going to set the world on fire (even among his other easy beach-read Slice of Life stories, The Great Ponyville Snowball Fight and B.B.B.F.F.B.R. have it beat in terms of deftly capturing what makes the show’s characterisation and/or tone so magical, so compelling they demand rereads just for the pleasure of it), but anyone even marginally partial to Fluttershy/Rainbow Dash friendshipping will find this more than worth their time.
Rating: Pretty Good, and only just missing the next rating up; a combination of a meta break near the end that is dragged on way too long, the aforementioned at-times sluggish pacing beyond what benefits the story, and some rudimentary elements for the really solid material means I can’t in conscience give it a Really Good, even though it might as well have been. Ah, the pitfalls of a tiered rating system…!
The Thief and the Princess by Muramasa
Genre: Slice of Life/Thriller
OC, Twilight
3,252 Words
February 2018
The dead of night in Canterlot Palace. Not a soul moves but for the lethargic royal guards switching shifts. Unbeknownst to them, a silent, near-invisible figure sneaks through the shadows, and makes her way to the throne room, where a prize beyond imagining awaits. What she finds, however, is a Princess waiting for her. Just not the one she expected and prepared for.
Splits into two halves, the first from the thief’s viewpoint as she navigates her way to the throne room, mixing the details of her subterfuge with what led her to make this heist, the second from Twilight’s after she catches the thief in the act, this one has very deft characterisation. The portrayal of the thief, mixing her craft and approach to problems around her desire to basically become a part of history by stealing something most don’t know exists, is very compelling. That sets things up great for the second half, both by getting us fully into her headspace while leaving much unsaid before flipping to Twilight’s outsider perspective, and for Twilight herself. This is a mature Twilight, in a Celestia mediator role, but by taking a personal approach befitting her to this situation, she shines all the more. That she manages to act in this capacity whilst remaining herself (well, late-seasons her, but that didn’t detract much here) is an extra benefit.
The atmosphere is possibly even stronger, evoking first palpable tension during the thief’s sneaking, and then a quiet wistfulness as tired-and-true ponyfic themes are brought to the forefront in the endgame. It’s an intriguing take on destiny and one’s interpretation of it. And certainly a story with a lot packed into it.
And yet… it still feels a bit lightweight on its hooves. Or perhaps it’s that there are a lot of elements at play here, and one wants the fic to go deeper with them. Even that’s not fair; it just handles what it’s doing so well one wants it to do even more. But as it is handling that so well, and what it is doing is unusual enough and impeccably crafted, complaining is moot. Unless it be that this never got a follow-up (not needed, but desired). Absolutely worth the read.
Rating: Really Good
Buckball Abstract by Pineta
Genre: Comedy/Slice of Life
Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Twilight, Starlight Glimmer
979 Words
September 2016Reread
Determined to beat Braeburn’s buckball team, Applejack and Rainbow Dash naturally turn to the two most magically-gifted unicorns in town (patent pending on all of Equestria). Twilight seemed well keen, so this should be a cinch. It’s not as though she or Starlight would overthink this request… or the game.
Yeah, I dunno how this story is public with a word count below 1,000; you’d presume Fimfiction wouldn’t allow chapter edits to be saved if it pushed a story below 1,000 words. But never mind. The chapter title, “Sabermetrics for ponies”, should tell you all you need to know about this. Obviously, applying the field of baseball analytical statistics to Equestria is an awfully dry comedy topic, and even with it providing a pretext for Twilight and Starlight to go full ham in being such statistical sports nerds, it might not be to everyone’s tastes. Certainly, it’s not a laugh riot. That said, I found it deeply amusing, and if watching the two nerd out over maths for not-even a thousand words sounds appealing, you can’t go wrong here. If you’re on the fence, but you’ve ever read or seen Moneyball, or the excellent Simpsons episode MoneyBART (boosted for me by the cracking read The Simpsons and Their Mathematical Secrets), you can’t go wrong here. A brilliant punchline to the whole thing is the icing on the cake.
Rating: Pretty Good
An Indecent Proposal by PaulAsaran
Genre: Slice of Life (Sex)
Cadance, OC, Shining Armor
6,448 Words
January 2019Reread
Cadence is well-used to ponies coming to her regarding their love lives. Part and parcel of the whole Princess of Love gig, really. And given how she enjoys and takes great pride in that part of her role, she welcomes it, for all such requests come from the heart. But this latest request throws a wrench in that – a stallion asking for permission to marry another male, when ponies as a species are overwhelmingly female, and thus such a union is forbidden. Left to debate this matter overnight, Cadence consults her own love, assuming – hoping – he can shed some light on whether to follow her own heart on this matter.
[I wrestled writing the above teaser for ages, as the fic’s own description doesn’t state what the proposal is, but I concluded keeping that part guarded would cripple my ability to discuss this fascinating social concept, and thus the review.]
Now isn’t that an interesting worldbuilding idea*? Not that I’d expect any less from PaulAsaran. It’s a concept that could fuel a whole novel or societal history, and so it does feel a bit of a shame that it’s confined to a 6.5K slip of a thing, what with sequel intrigue on Paul’s part quietly dissipating. But the story isn’t really about the foundation of such a gender split and its societal rule, more just the personal effects it has on something as pure and unfiltered as love for another. Thus, while it is easy to pick apart the concept (and the story kind of does so itself by revealing that stallions are expected to be lovers to other mares even when married to a mare themselves, meaning that a stallion couple would not, point of fact, be harming the birth rate at all – this double standard of gay against lesbian relationships wouldn’t develop when sleeping around is not only acceptable but applauded), all that really matters is that it’s intriguing and sturdy enough to not undermine the fic whilst reading it. Which it isn't, not nearly. And for this, I applaud the fic, for not only would more overt focus on this concept reveal holes to be poked at more readily, but I know the difficulty of constructing an interesting and involving story around such a banger of a worldbuilding concept. And thus I will always applaud any largely successful attempt to make a fic successful beyond just the worldbuilding, even if it means it’s somewhat undernourished.
As regards the actual incident of the story, not much happens beyond the plot above, but it doesn’t need to; it does a commendable job getting inside Cadance’s headspace, showing how she perceives emotional magic from others and perceives their mood, using little details of seemingly ordinary things she observes during conversations to set the atmosphere, and overall just making a piece advocating for a non-conventional relationship type many within frown upon not come across as preachy even slightly. The interactions between her and Shining Armor are especially well-threaded, full of respect and love despite a lot of heavy disagreement, and the end of that even manages to feed perfectly into the fic’s main theme of what love means.
It’s a bit of a slight fic, all things considered, but darn if it’s not a fascinating one, and regardless of one buying into the concept totally, mostly (raises hand), somewhat, barely, or not at all, the baseline character interactions and writing make it a compelling read regardless. And whether one buys a 7:1 female-male ratio even off the shortage of background males early in G4’s lifespan (let’s be real, the royal guard would NOT be overwhelmingly stallions, if they’re that important a population resource), that equines are herd animals lends a lot of credibility to the piece.
Rating: Pretty Good
* Myself, the concept most reminded me of Jedi Master Ki-Adi Mundi from the Star Wars prequels, one of a species with a massive female supermajority in its population, and thus, unlike other Jedi, he was allowed to marry and have children, seven daughters in all across his main wife and other wives (not info anywhere in the films, this is Expanded Universe stuff, of course). Kind of freaky, how much of that was mirrored here!
Spooky Summary of Scores:
Excellent: 0
Really Good: 1
Pretty Good: 3
Decent: 1
Passable: 0
Weak: 0
Bad: 0
Thanks for the review!
Happy to see your view was overall positive, even if it is the lowest rated of the five here.
And yeah, the comment section there is... something.
I'll be darned, I had no idea Buckball Abstract was sub-1k. :O Wonder how that happened!
5687353
Either some one-off anomaly, or Fimfiction doesn't prevent a user from editing a published chapter to be sub-1K, which would almost never happen due to a user having to make it at least 1K to begin with. Even that doesn't quite add up, mind. I'm sure Pineta will illuminate us if and when he shows up here.
5687352
It was a high Decent, to clarify. As you might gather, most fics tackling this subject matter would be lucky to scrape a Passable. I'd like to hope the review still makes the fic more than appealing enough to folks more game for Legion of Doom fate fics.
Winning and Why is an interesting concept, think I'll put that on the ol' Read Later list.
D'aww, 50k words! What a cute little milestone you have there. Makes me wanna pinch your widdle cheeks.
But seriously, I was wondering when I'd appear in these blogs again, and Proposal was certainly not the one I was expecting. While I prefer not to gloat if I can help it, I must admit that I feel the character work in that one went really well. I love going back to re-read the conversation between Cadance and Shining. Glad to see an old favorite worked for you!
Every once in a while I flash back to ideas on how to handle a sequel. While I can't claim one is coming, I should point out that A.K. Yearling in the Aftermath was written on a whim and came out four years after A Figment of Her Imagination, so never say never.
Are you sure? Who says the guards are there to protect Celestia? Maybe it's the other way around. Maybe the guards are chosen not for fighting prowess but for their more desirable physical attributes. Not for Celestia's uses, but rather to ensure stallions are available where and when they're needed. Royal Guard Posts throughout Equestria aren't there to act as a police force; they're brothels.
How's that for a sequel pitch?
5687361
Joke's on you, buddy; I get the last chuckle from you reaching to my cream-coloured cheeks, going through me, overbalancing and stumbling into a comical tumble.
But look, sure, you know me: I have no aspirations of matching or even getting close to your output. Nor even to Present Perfect's. I keep it at hobby-level output, broadly within what I'd be reading anyway, just with a little more discipline and drive. I do anticipate seeing the rough average word count continue to inch upward, but only as far as getting novels on here every now and then.
It had been over three months since the last one, true.
On the other hand, wondering, were we? Let's not get entitled.
That said, I was adamant to get something beyond cute/funny fluff from your backlog this time, as that's but a small portion of your writing. Not the easiest thing, as many of your 70 fics is tied-up in long (or at least not-short) series, or about subjects or genres well outside my wheelhouse*. Thankfully, this time I had a weighty yet fun read I'd read before to re-evaluate, so it worked out.
* I have already read and rated The Generosity Series, to clarify.
You, gloat? Never!
But the character writing was really solid here, as you could tell I felt. This was a re-read, and the fic was formerly on my Favourites list. Meaning I found it vivid and striking enough to actively remember it.
An Equestria where legalised prostitution is not only a thing, but funded and organised by the crown? Paul, you are a bold one.
[In all seriousness, I get the motivation, what with the royal guard failing onscreen most times there's action. I'm just the sort of spirit who can write it off as easily as stormtroopers virtually never landing shots onscreen. Make of that what you will.
]
5687359
By now, I have enough of a feel for your reading preferences such that I think you'll quite like it. Certainly enough to justify reading it. Enjoy!
5687358
Well, I guess getting a Decent against a personal biased is a pretty good sign.
5687353
5687357
Thanks for the review. Buckball Abstract was never a serious story, but just something I threw out in a weekend; and Fimfiction being Fimfiction, it has received more attention than the serious masterpiece I spent months crafting.
The word count is a bit of a mystery. It was just over 1000 words when submitted. I don't remember removing anything, but I did add the author's note at some point, and that may have have triggered a recount. I am guessing that the word counter has changed so two words linked by an em dash are counted as one, or something like that. Another possibility is that I noticed an embarrassing mistake in the maths, discretely removed it, and forgot all about it. If that's the case, I will leave it for someone else to trawl through the wayback machine to find the incriminating evidence.
5687372
Less a personal bias, more rooted in experience from the quality of many of these fics, and the deluge of them in the wake of the show's ending. Besides, if it was personal preference, I would have kept it out of the evaluation anyway. To the best of my ability, at least.
5687380
Tis' always infuriating when that happens, but one cannot control folks sometimes gunning for pure goofy silliness, and it's still recognisably your writing. As Oscar Wilde said, "the only thing worse then being talked about is not being talked about."
…That sounded more relevant in my head.
Just for curiosity, I went and checked the fic. It has 7 ellipses, 14 em-dashes and 3 en-dashes. And given the internal word count for Fimfic chapters does count weird punctuation cases like this, I'd say it well could be that it didn't filter them out when you published this, but did later, either at part of a site-wide server change, or just missing it due to a glitch at the time. Mystery (mostly) solved!
5687380
Typo or math pun? The world may never know. :kappa:
I've read the one by Muramasa, and yeah, it was pretty good. I only had one conceptual problem with it, which may have been changed since—I'm pretty sure it's been revised after I'd seen it. Definitely a good read.
5687370
Gonna shameless rep for Extended Cut for a second (we're still not dead) because we also thought up the implications, and a solution, for what is definitely some amount of female-to-male population bias (I was placing it more 3:2, maybe 3:1). Equestria's only implicit, low-key societal pressure against homosexuality was the slight decrease in effective population growth, with individual families potentially raising objections regarding the perceived death of their family line- mothers want grandkids, essentially.
Well, until recently, following the confluence of three biotech developments: first came in-vitro fertilization- test tube foals- which solved for a whole host of infertility issues, both male and female, by extracting each partner's essence and combining them in a petri dish. Low essence, brittle essence, faded essence, most problems could be solved in the lab.
Second came cloning- which so far has only been used successfully on lesser animals- but was only possible from the development of Direct Essence Exchange- putting one female's genetic data into another's essence, overwriting it.
The third breakthrough came much later, from efforts to cure a particular congenital metabolic illness which involved the essence from two mares and a stallion. The procedure was successful, and the illness slowly eradicated from the general population.
It wasn't until decades later that ponies realized all three technologies could be combined: by taking the essence of one mare- the mother- another mare- the 'father', and a stallion donor, the stallion's genetic data can be overwritten by the 'father' mare's data, the mother and 'father's's essences can be combined in vitro, like any other test tube foal, and the resulting zygote implanted into the mother. After exhaustive laboratory testing, a strict regiment of hormones and regenerative magic was developed to boost fetal development within the first few weeks, but after that, you've got a foal in 11 months, one that's genetically the daughter of two mares.
Voila, a (mostly) scientific explanation of Magical Lesbian Offspring.
5687392
Eh, you say tomato, I say potato.
5687432
I've seen a fair few fics make up some gobbledegook for how two mares can have a biological foal, but I must applaud this one for being more than just "because, magic". Yes, it's Equestria, but we need a bit of magical realism for that, thank you very much. Presumably they weren't satisfied with just sperm clinics or adoption. Which, yeah, fair enough, gotta develop science in medicine and birth. For what it's worth, I would say I consider the population ratio to be halfway between the two estimates you cite (a 70:30, as it were).
Presumably, this swapping of one mare as 'the father' in place of the donor stallion could also work the other way: if you had a stallion couple that found a mare willing to be the birth-giver, they could both be made the biological parents by having one be the normal father and the other replacing the mother in the lab, and that zygote being imprinted into the birth-giver. Obviously no getting around the need to find a mare willing to do this in the first place, nor the attachment they may feel for somepony they carried for nearly a year, so it's not nearly as foolproof as the situation you describe, but it's not nothing.
In any case, says a lot about the process of yourself and AdmiralSekai that you put that level of thought into something I cannot, for the life of me, imagine that being relevant in the Extended Cut, except in a throwaway line or moment designed purely to facilitate stating this lore. Colour me impressed once again.
For what it's worth, I didn't think the project was dead. I'd seen the slowly-moving progress bar of the current fic, for one thing. I've gotten enough of a vibe for the two of you to know you're not losing momentum yet! Probably not for a good few fics, actually. I do believe that.
5687435
Eeyup. Stallion/stallion partners do still need a mare as the birth-mother, as well as a radically different batch of hormones during the first few weeks of development. I actually thought this all up after learning about Mitochondrial Replacement Therapy back in the mid 2010's, because, theoretically, this could work in real life. The biggest hurdle is fudging the methylation of the 'father's' egg cell DNA to resemble a sperm's, and DNA de- and re-methylation happens to be the focus in cloning and stem cell research. Just not in this particular application.
I plugged this into MLP pretty quick, it seems like the sort of setting that'd need it, and in EC specifically there's one mare in particular who sat out the last 1000 years of bioscience developments.
(Excised some needless editorialization, sorry)
I'm sorry, I got to this VERY late! I'm not sure how I never caught that you'd reviewed it.
I'm glad you enjoyed The Thief and the Princess! I'm very happy people are still finding and reading it all these years later. And to answer your question at the end there, I've been (very, very slowly) working on a follow-up, but life has gotten in the way of it many times. When I come back from my writing hiatus, I'm hoping that's the first thing that I release.
5711032
Don’t worry, it happens often that the explanation is simple. By the time you logged back on, the review was long enough ago that the notification had been pushed out of visibility on the bell, so it wasn’t until you saw the comment on the fic by happenstance that you realised. I’d just figured you were a dormant or extinct user, there’s plenty of those I touch on, especially for older fics.
You’re very welcome! It certainly earns its RCL feature, being quite different and unique yet with the finesse to pull off its differing viewpoints and such. Be proud of it!
Well, there are many other stories where the absence of a follow-up drags more than this. Here it’s more that the fic was so compelling and engaging that we want to know what happens to the crafty little thief next, is all. So don’t sweat it, we as readers can go either way, especially after this much time.