Life Update: Things Suck Bad (rereading everything to get back to writing though!) · 12:04am Sep 12th, 2022
It's... been a bit hasn't it? I really shouldn't leave people in the dark so long. But when it's sometimes this dark, I just have to stare at a wall and wonder if any of my (lovely, wonderful, marvelous) watchers really care to hear what's going on.
Still. You're worth it. And there's better news after the bad stuff, so I'll just spoiler the cruddy stuff and let everyone who wants to skip, skip to the good news.
So, in the most clean and non-graphic terms, things have been rough. I've started Immunotherapy, which is basically just targeted Chemotherapy, and besides most of the side effects of chemo, Immunotherapy has an additional thing it does. It turns your immune system into a police state, and unleashes itself upon your body in an attempt to kill absolutely anything that could even theoretically be hurting you. This is what it's designed to do. It is very good at it.
It's... not working. Or, not working well. I was hit with COVID back in early 2020, just before we knew what was going on, and that laid me out for a couple weeks. One of the worst illnesses of my life. Really kicked my teeth in.
The past 3-4 weeks have been worse. No horrid details, but I've basically been bed-ridden. I really was planning on an earlier update than this, except that I physically could not reach a computer for large parts of the last month or so. I simply had no energy. I couldn't eat solid food (finally had some pizza again a week back though, so small improvements). I couldn't really walk on my own.
Partly, that last part is exasperated by the fact that the tumor - the one that's already grown up into my main arteries and sticks off my leg like a melon - has actually gotten bigger. While my doctors think this is a "flare up", a common enough sight where cancer cells bloat up during the initial attack from the chemo, it's still both mentally startling and physically difficult to deal with. In lots of ways I won't get into.
I hate writing blogs like this. It feels like whining.
The sickness I've been going through also had the fabulous side effect of frying some part of my brain, which the next CT scan will look for. The doctors could tell from reading my liver as well as hearing how I was legit hallucinating and suffering explosive migraines all those two weeks. The ending song from Buster Scruggs and Country Roads have been playing non-stop in my head... for a month. But only when I sleep on my side. I actually heard demonic voices if I tried sleeping on my front. And because of that, as well as a plummeting heartrate, they called off this week's injections until I have a change to improve.
Yes. I was too close to dying for them to advise the third chemo dose. Ha ha ha.
Now, onto the small positives. I'm improving!
The hospital I go to has me on a short list for emergency hydration, and they've got me a mean cocktail of steroids - apparently the best way to counter illness while on immunotherapy - which has BLASTED my energy levels back up to 70-90% normal. As long as I keep up that regimen, drink tons of this concentrated electrolyte water mixture, and occasionally let the hospital gimme a couple liters of concentrated fluid and Benadryl, I'm almost a functioning human again!
Second positive. Some of those hallucinogenic fever dreams paid off. I actually somehow hallucinated a completely new Dungeons and Dragons adventure, and once I sobered up I realized it was good enough to publish! So I'm just quietly plugging away at writing that down and drawing it. Might even drop it here once it's done.
Oh, right. I play D&D. Have done for 20 years. I should really share some anecdotes and advice. Next blog.
And final good news. I'm tentatively back to writing. I mean... my brain literally broke physically and mentally this past... year. But I've been rereading a lot of my Anarchyverse and Midnight stuff, and have been trying to scribble out dribbles and drabbles on a private writing server. And I've even signed up for a very small writing exchange on the site to kick me into high gear! As my energy improves and I can function like a person again, I'm forcing myself to write more and more. And... though it's daunting every time I consider it, I keep returning to Trixie.
Trixie, who I've put into a position all you know must be impossible to sort out. Trixie, whom I've know exactly how she'll get out of her current predicament for months already and have simply not been able to write down.
She's coming back. Soon. Ish. And maybe some of the other projects will be taken off hold too.
I love you all, my readers and watchers. And all the ponies in between. Perhaps soon, we can read together again. In the meantime, thank you to everyone who's tried to keep up correspondence with my wasted butt, or who have left a nice comment on one of my stories reminding me that y'all still read me.
It's helped. In the worst of times, it always helps to not be forgotten.
See you soon, cowpony.
Applejack! Stop that, you'll ruin your appetite!
*hugs*
I was wondering where you went, I used to see you in my stories and posting your own more often. Sorry to learn this is what happened. :( Glad you're improving and hoping for the best from here.
I miss you and hope the best for you.
They say there's a fine line between madness and genius, therefore, having had a brush with madness genius is only a step away. This can only go to good places.
*sends hugs* Hope you're well soon and best of luck with the writing!
Wow, you have been though hell. I hope you pull though this in the end. It makes me feel lucky I never had medical problems that severe.
Good to hear things are starting to get better.
This is ultimately good news! At the very least, there is hope. Will continue to pray for you in Jesus' name for divine healing, Ninja.
What good news, I was really worried about it. I was so eager to read more of your stories, I had to read everything several times and imagine many stories for Anarchyverse about Midnight, derived in my mind. And I didn't want to publish them without your consent. But that's a separate point, so it's not important.
What I really wanted to see was that you were improving, since as a recent fan of your stories I thought they were going to remain as many unfinished.
Yay! All hail Ninja!
It's a rough climb, but I'm glad to hear you're on an upswing. Here's hoping it continues. Thanks for the update, and good luck,.
Still rooting for you. Always will be.
You can do this. You can beat this. And once you've finished your trek through hell, we'll party like never before, eh?
best wishes and best of luck to you.
Nah, it's not whining, it's venting; nobody will keep that against you. And as long as you do it because you want to, it's a good thing too!
I don't really know what to say, except... good luck kicking the ass of the damn thing
.
It's so great to hear from you, I was starting to get worried. Don't worry about complaining, it's important to unload. You didn't have to explain anything to us but you decided to share so thank you.
Sad to hear things have been so rough ans I hope future treatments will go better. You have our support and prayers.
And I am very happy that you found the energy to write again and is re-reading your own stuff, it's great to refresh the memory from time to time and stoke the fire for ideas.
And as a fellow D&D enthusiast, a hallucinations fueled scenario sound awsomes. Probably why many many famous stories were supposedly written while on drug.
Really glad to hear you're on the upswing and had some good news. I might pretty much be echoing what others said and would like to say something different, but I got nothing, so...
It's not whining, it's venting. Lay it put as much as you need to.
I admit I'm highly curious to read your D&D adventure.
I wish you the best
Whining is when you chip a nail,
You're just being honest -
Hope things work out.
Cake is overrated
You're not the only one rereading your stories
