Whoops, or I Hate Executive Dysfunction and Have a Pathological Need to Burn its House Down and End its Bloodline · 1:18am Aug 27th, 2022
Heyo, uh, sorry for the other absence? I kinda missed my deadline there, so I'll try and be quick with this. I know that people who are invested in my writing are probably wondering: where the hell is he? So I'll make this quick for y'all.
Am I burned out on my pony writing? Or writing in general?
No.
Do I struggle with having difficulty getting time to write?
Yes, I'm rather swamped with a load of things ranging from academic tomfoolery to other somewhat related things that make it difficult to write at all. I'd like to remind everyone that while I do love my reader-base, my ideal reader is myself. My stories are so I can showcase things I am proud of making for my own enjoyment, and then for yours. When I struggle to find time to read anything outside of classes, some as time-consuming as writing can get put on hold. When I'm struggling with ADHD that wasn't treated or diagnosed until I was nineteen and barely have the ability to keep on top of the demands I am expected to fulfill to remain in good standing as a student or even just burned out from trying to stay healthy, the me that wants to read and write is worn out, my dudes. I simply won't have the energy to actualize some wants, even if I truly do wish to see them realized and I deeply care about a lifelong passion like my writing and the stories I've built here in the long-run.
Other than ADHD, did I have other issues too?
Yes, I'm just going to throw them all under the catchall of medical issues, pharmacy screwups forcing me to be off of multiple medications, and mistakes made with multiple college courses and registration for this year. (Which means, yes, I'm back at college as of now!) I'd also like to throw in the reminder that despite being a perfectly physically healthy guy in my early 20s, I did get stuck with a funny brain acronym from the DSM here and there, and more than one has results that impact executive dysfunction. It took three years of ruling out the pandemic, a tragedy on my campus, and other factors for my university (and me) to realize that it wasn't actually the coursework content I was struggling with, it was the things surrounding that. It doesn't help that as a result of my family being both abusive and obscenely neglectful (more than I had realized) I've (mostly unknowingly) been doing the work of, as I've been told, approximately three to four people in order to care for one guy (hi) my entire life. Being told that you have ended up as one man attempting to do all the work and support of a family unit on the schedule of a single person your entire life is a lot to take in. So is having numerous people eventually get it through to me that I have staggeringly unhealthy workaholic tendencies at twenty-two that could kill me in or before my 30s -- and that I need to stop them now.
Is there something you're not telling us?
Yes, I'm not one to write a sixteen-page sob-story, even if I was comfortable doing that. I don't like making excuses. I don't like coming across as a burden. I also have a personal life and am not one to be without barriers online, on a platform this accessible and intended to be focused around my work. So I'm offering y'all the TL;DR and not about to overburden and overshare information I don't want to. A lot of folks on this site are extremely transparent about their experiences and mental health. And y'know what? All power to those folks. I'm just not that kind of guy. Close friends who speak to me off of fimfic may have noticed things -- anything from me being less present, or being in the know about details that aren't being said here. I also have a hard time initiating conversation first, if and when I have the time or energy to gather a response (or read the messages at all).
What will happen to your projects?
I'm not a quitter. I get stories done and that's that. I have things I have yet to show people that are in developmental stages or have been sitting around for years waiting to be fully realized and see the light of day. However, my current projects -- from print books to publishing updates here -- are obviously still being worked on. Will it be slow? Yes, unfortunately. I'm making this blog as a way to say that I haven't quit, I haven't given up, and I'm actually starting to get the time I need again and my life in a functional state. More than that I'm going to force it to stay that way with everything I've got. (Which, sometimes to my surprise, is a lot!) Here's the kicker: to be able to write again, I need to edit a lot of stories, or various editing help for things. Most of which I have to do on my own for the initial (and possibly only needed job) and that means I have uh... a little over 661,693 words of current versions that I need to be able to whip into proper final shape. I fucking hate editing, aight? It has always been the most frustrating and my least favorite part of the writing process, sometimes even more than writer's block. Right now, I recognize that the most important story to work on is Enemy of Mine. It's the driving force of the main storyline as of now, I love working on it, the more recent state of the writing means it needs less done, and THE FUCKING STORY IS SO FRUSTRATINGLY INCOMPLETE THAT I REFUSE TO LET IT KEEP MOCKING ME. I currently have ~210,000 words to kick the fucking ass of. I want to post the things that matter most first, before I grumble about posting smaller, more inconsequential things that I've owed y'all, like book reviews.
How 'bout those print books you mentioned?
Uh, hello? Why do you think the edits are taking place? There have been delays with the production of the current one, but I assure you that it is still something that will be dropping eventually. Though, uh, since I see a lot of authors doing this: would anyone be interested in signed or personalized copies? I ask this for your sake, not my own, as I'm genuinely unsure why someone would want something of that sort from me.
Are you okay?
I'm trying to be.
Hi, I haven't heard from you in a while, why is that?
I've got some issues and my online presence on multiple platforms (including this one) is fairly low-engagement socially as of now. I've withdrawn considerably and am mostly focusing on editing. If you wanna talk, my messages on here and discord always exist but I might take a while to get to you. Life has been so draining and overloaded for me the past year that I still have texts from about seven months ago that I need to answer... I'm totally just tired, y'all. (I'm not, it's other shit.)
But I'll say something back eventually. Talking first is hard. However, comments on my stories mean the most right now -- I really do try to prioritize answering those because they're wonderful reminders of what I have here and what I can do, and what I love. The longer comments mean the most to me and help give me the most to answer. In terms of messages/DMs, posing more direct questions will offer me more I might feel I can respond to immediately if I'm not already feeling socially burned out and overwhelmed.
When will you drop some new content?
Yes, I have various semi-neglected projects and various in-progress updates on my google drive. Yet, to this I can only say: please be patient I have autismâ„¢.
Did you have tech issues?
Yes, actually. For months (starting in March) one of my laptops had some of the essential keys stop working. It was my personal one, which does have some writing content that isn't immediately needed for me to put in my drive on it, as well as more shortcuts to bookmarks immediately relevant to my writing. I had it shipped out late last month because it needed a new keyboard.
The two questions I leave for my followers are this:
1) For those of you that have ADHD or know someone who does, what are some ways to help with this shit? My problems are in focus and motivation. Also, energy can sometimes be an issue, but it's the other two that really get me, I can work with little to no energy if I really need to. I just need the drive. I'm not hyperactive. Yes, I know planners exist. I already use them.
2) Is there anything that I missed that anyone wanted to know? It'd be truly helpful to have some comments addressing if I did.
Bonus question:
3) Is it just me, or does the site feel... rather lonely lately? I don't just mean the people who have publicly stated that they are retired or leaving, I mean the whole site seems like it has been waiting for something to happen and just yielded lessened engagement lately. It's honestly depressing, I miss hearing from people.
To the first question... I'd reccomend making a schedule. It helps me with my ADHD immensely.
To the second question, far as I can think of? No.
To the bonus question, I unfortunately have to agree. My favorite writers have gone MIA for some time... Some are still there but an unfortunately large amount are not.
My DMs are always open to chat if you need someone to talk to though!
You in college, man. You busy. Take care yoself.
As for the end, yes, things have quieted since the heyday. Butt I mean stories still churn and comments get made, so it's not like it's dead. I think MLP has fallen off from its domination to occupy our own quiet corner of the internet, as all things do in time. There remains the numbers for conventions and a long-term community, but yes, it is a bit quieter than the glory days.
Ice Star, take your time, ok? I’m patient and can wait. Plus, I may not be as prolific as several people here, but I’m always looking to write and talk.
I really wish I did. I'm even taking ADHD medication now and I still have problems getting stuff written. :/
Definitely not just you, I feel this too. Though I'm also going like a month between major blog posts (and longer between stories) so that doesn't help. :C
I'll poke you on Discord sometime.
Meanwhile I am burned out on pony and it's very annoying
and someone else's fault.Anyway, uh bad answers to questions:1. I don't have an answer for this one and I may or may not have ADHD but if you figure out a solution let me know because ughghhg. I can't even spell right now... I had to fix so many mistakes in that sentence....
3. It does, it feels lonely here.
Anyway hi, my brain feels like an intersection right now and I'm not totally coherent, I don't think
just popping in to say it's good to hear from you even if things aren't the greatest.
it is sad to see less engagement on the site. but i'm not going anywhere, and i hope you aren't either. i do feel it a bit less though, since the Discords are still plenty active.
Hey, I take offense to that!!
Breathe
You need to take care of yourself first.
hi <3
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I'm referring to the action of screwing up multiple times, not the technicians as screwups.
5682138
I have a schedule, though everything is weird at the start of the semester to get used to everything all over again.
A lot of writers began retiring in the couple of years before COVID happened. I remember 2018 being oddly heavy for it. I don't exactly expect those folks to come back, but the remaining people on the site are just... relatively segregated and silent. It's hard to hear from anyone anymore, even when they're still kicking around.
5682141
This is very hard and yet somehow exactly what I have been trying to do.
As for the end, yes, things have quieted since the heyday. Butt I mean stories still churn and comments get made, so it's not like it's dead. I think MLP has fallen off from its domination to occupy our own quiet corner of the internet, as all things do in time.
Yeah, that remark was more directed at even the folks who are still here just... have become some kind of internet equivalent of a shit-in, and even active writers with no plans of retiring are less present. I don't know, I just hope that things lift back up somewhat and stay steady instead of this drawn-out, awkward silence.
Perhaps one will be cursed with my presence if any are still going in a couple of years.
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I'm admittedly impatient with myself at times.
5682145
If I had substantially less to do (probably an understatement) the words would be flowing over here. What confuses me so much is that the majority of my stories (I think? How do numbers work?) or at least a sizable wordcount of my ponyfic was written well before I started any ADHD medications or was diagnosed at all. But my life circumstances were also substantially different then too. I wish I had an easier way to figure out what led to so much success in the past that wouldn't be self-sabotage to attempt now.
Stories and comments are where my mind goes first, since I never blogged all that much.
5682146
Oh?
I only know I did because I got tested by chance. Kinda shows how neglectful everyone prior was.
Hopefully not for long.
5682160
Fimfic's delayed social aspects vs. the instant communication of Discord and having it be the actual hub of the writing itself always helped make this a good nook. My actual writing and plotting processes are too solitary to thrive in the more collaborative environment that discord offers. So getting to have it where the actual posting and aftermath yielded the most engagement was a rewarding pattern to have. Now I see a lot more groups and the like dedicated to workshopping, and the site feels too holey and less of a crowd socially. That level of everyone just sorta sticking to their own makes it hard to focus on the writing, reading, and horseposting, y'know?
5682186
If only it were that easy.
5682564
HALLO
5682703
Yeah, this really is the crazy part, isn't it?
Well, maybe it's just because we weren't living in an anarcho-fascist pandemic hellscape back then. :B I mean, I'm sure that didn't hurt.
It sucks that you're having to deal with all of that and I hope it will get better for you soon! I.. probably have undiagnosed ADHD and I'd have no idea how to help, though I wish I did (I am subject to the whims of my brain on what and when I focus on anything and getting anything done is just when I sit and hyperfocus on something for a while sdfkfd. What do you mean its 1am? it was just 3pm an hour ago!)
I'm definitely still looking forward to your stories! Take your time though, I'm sure you'll eventually be able to get everything straightened out and be able to do things again. I'm not sure about anyone else but I do miss FiM content and there has been a bit of a weird vibe with g5? I'm still not like, certain about it yet since it seems slow coming out and all that. I'm not really sure since I don't tend to socialize much, even on the internet/in fandoms.
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I definitely would suggest getting tested; it is apparently really easy to miss. I feel like I have a lot of years to make up for in some ways.
5682724
Yeah, I was in much worse conditions. Much, much worse...
on the subject of finding time to write - not sure if you feel this way too, but i always feel the most inspired at work, or when i'm doing something else productive. i'm listening to a song or something and thinking - wow, this would be really, really awesome to write about! but by the time i'm home and have actual free time, i'd rather just unwind and sleep. "i'll just wake up early at write some in the morning," i tell myself...yeah, right.
im not currently at school- suuuper obvious right, "this dumbass" you think lmao - honestly its amazing that you even find the time that you do with school to do this stuff too. i touched on this in a previous comment but i seriously find your page impressive, maybe i havent seen TOO many fimfiction profiles but yours is so organized and presentable, it makes me want to get stoned as fuck and blast through several of your stories, picking apart little autistic things to add to your tvtropes (side note - biggest bucket list dream is to have a TVTROPES page on my content). i hope you find school fulfilling, and you're going for a degree that really inspires you! sometimes i get sad when my friends tell me they're struggling in school, and i ask why they're going, and they say "i dunno, just need a degree".
you do need to look out for being the hero, the provider. i grew up thinking i could save everyone, provide for everyone...it took me similarly long, traumatic experiences to realize i couldn't. at least for me, it was easy to get lost in this attitude of that i was the "main character", and even though other people might falter or tell me to stop, i was different. it was kind of the biggest part of me growing up to realize that i was just like everyone else. don't kill yourself with work man.
unlike you, i do consider myself kind of a quitter. to be completely candid and honest, there is a bit of truth behind your epic theory that im an alt - my first account is from 2013. i started a couple of stories on there back then and really liked them, but because i burned out, i decided to make a new account half a decade later - first just to follow my fetishistic desires, but then to try and use the opportunity to craft real fiction. but even now, so many of my earlier projects are sitting in this ungodly limbo - ball game, onlyapples...all while im trying to jumpstart these newer, epicer, crazier projects that i also get discouraged from when they don't receive the feedback or attention i want. you have an admirable dedication to your work, and thats really respectable. i hope you find the inspiration to kick the ass of those 21k words and complete your passion project, because i know what its like to have those epic payoffs and conclusions in your head and being angry at not being able to reach them.
i hope you continue to feel better.
1) drugs for me. stupid answer...not what you wanted...but taking stuff like kratom or adderall really puts me in the mood to get shit done. i know you're above stuff like that probably, mr five cups of coffee (lol) but to be honest, all those drugs really do is trick me into thinking i have the energy for this stuff, i bang it out, and then am treated to twice the exhaustion, still having to work up at 4am for work the next day. probably the most innocent thing that isnt drugs that helps me is that amazing feeling when plans get cancelled. i was going to go to a party or some shit....nope. cancelled, thank goodness. i get some extra free time i didn't know i had to write! also, its totally a bad habit, but when i do get that burst of inspiration at work when i cant really do anything, ill jot down as much as i can. totally distracting but...helps me later, better than trying to remember what i was thinking about.
2) i know this isn't really what you meant by this question but i think you missed my e rated stories - the most recent one is probably way too silly and innocent and short for you to enjoy, but if you have it in you, would love to hear what you have to say about the blueblood one!