Random Ramblings CDXXI · 7:00am Aug 18th, 2022
IN WHICH DEATH
A little less than 24 hours ago, I got word from my office manager that my late dad's beloved dog had passed suddenly. Here's a sad song.
Golden Retriever. 5 years old. Probably a snake-bite. RIP, my buddy.
I really didn't think I would ever be writing another blog on this site. In terms of my interests, I've mostly moved on despite one part of my brain screaming at me to finish the last things I started.
But does it matter? Pony has long since moved to G5, which (no offense to Hasbro) I don't give even the slightest shit about. GenFic never got off the ground, so I was never able to start my Lupin The Third or Urusei Yatsura or Robotnik × Miku Hatsune and/or Arle Nadja fanfics. That drives me a little up-the-wall because I don't want to incorporate Pony into most of the ideas I have lately, yet I must for inclusion on this, the only fanfic site I call home.
There's a TV Trope: "Most Fanfic Writers Are Girls". This is probably true, but it had a very specific exception for this very site – while MLP:FIM had/has(?) some phenomenal ladies who wrote fic (not limited to Estee et al), this site has long been a sausage fest. And that's OK. Honestly, I would feel weird amongst a bunch of teenage girls who'd always be judging me, compared to fellow adult men who "get it".
I was ranting to myself the other day and thought about why readers related so well to my Sunset Shimmer stories (to the point some nutcase put them on Goodreads) — I think it's because I managed with Sunset's Recovery Arc to tap into something a bit primal and universal that ANYONE who wasn't super-popular in school could relate to.
That itself I think is what made FIM shine so so much nearly a dozen years ago — every main character (except possibly Applejack) was an outcast or at least an "other" in some way. AJ, for her part, remained the glue that held everything together, the straight-mare. That is a TREMENDOUS base to build upon. And we did. Some still do, and I applaud them for it.
Every once in awhile, I'll watch an old Pony video on Youtube and remember what it was that got me into this fandom to begin with. I remember what the social world was like in 2010-2011. A decade later, things have changed. Even those of us who were already adults when first encountering this have inevitably moved on, not just in their tastes but in their lives and thus headspace. That makes it difficult to return as a writer to a point in the past where one can continue a world without possibly botching it.
Granted, I have not had nearly as much progression IRL as many of my contemporaries. That does give me a better chance to return to the headspace from which I created my best(?) work. But is it worth it?
When I started writing Pony-fic, I was a recent University graduate with severe depression, no job prospects, several undiagnosed mental disorders, and a serious girlfriend. Seven years later, I'm single, live with my mother, do have a possibility for a career if I'm willing to work for it, and have tried to get my brain-house in order. It's just not the same world as it was when I started my first MLP fanfic way back at the end of 2013 (that'd be the Pinkamena fic which I summarized for y'all some 300 blogs ago – feel free to steal, but credit for the original idea would be awesome).
Even MY Sunset (~26y.o.) is now so far past where I am now that it is difficult to get into her brain, to say nothing of my beloved Dazzlings. The teenagers? Fuck. I watch tiktok videos by teens (mostly from Asian artists) and it's just so far beyond any of us old farts.
My local liquor store hasn't carded me in years. Granted that's mostly because the employees know me – not too many guys come in with Indian hair and speak like a very polite but redneck Garfield – nonetheless, I'm definitely not the young hip. Even during my first attempt at college as an actual teen I was not a young hip (though I didn't have too much trouble getting ladies somehow).
SHIFT — My mother, bless her pointy head, suggested that one reason I should attempt law school is that I might finally find a girl I like who isn't 2+ states away. She's not wrong, and with luck that could happen. But goddammit.
As I type this, I have had 8oz of 80-proof alcohol. I honestly don't feel much. Due partly to my fatness and I guess genetics, it takes a LOT to get me to the point of drunk-beyond-comprehension. It's only happened once, this past winter when I was depressed about something probably related to my late father and it took the Peppermint Schnapps to put me over the edge – that was the only thing that worked (word of advice: AVOID THAT SHIT).
I'm sorry that once again I have no story for you, just bitching from an oldish dude at a crossroads in life.
Have you heard of the rookie K-pop group NMIXX? They're pretty awesome. Yeah, their debut was either a total bust or very divisive depending on who you listen to, but goddamn can those girls perform! The two oldest members Lily and Haewon are, as I type this, 19. That makes them legal adults and free to perv on. As it happens, Haewon is awesome regardless. I'm looking forward to when my bias Jiwoo isn't underage anymore so I can feel free to lewd her.
Hey. It's been almost six years since my ass got dumped. I take what i can get.
Ironically, if I was gay, I'd have the pick of the faggy crop, so said my various gay friends over the years. But I just don't swing that way. I like the ladies too much.
This actually made it a bit difficult to write the Sunset+Rarity Non-Canon(?) Romance Arc, because I didn't want to force either of them into the "male" role. According to readers, I succeeded, mostly by keeping the characters true to themselves.
I prefer sassy-Sunset to suicidally-depressed-Sunset, for the record. Thinking back on it, I was surprised at just how much snark Sunset could muster when she was on a relatively even keel, especially to Flash. HE was fun to write. Everyone was fun to write except ironically the Mane Six, mostly because their characters are so well defined it's harder to force them into my world – I did it with 'Shy & Rarity but the others just didn't work as well.
Thanks to all the glorious shit happening to Donald Trump right now, I can guarantee you a Mayor Mare story next January 20th if I'm still alive in the way that my dog is not.
I miss my dog. Even though he was in the care of my dad's assistant due to my cat being a bitch, he was still ultimately my responsibility. And I couldn't keep him alive. It was a freak accident even a seasoned pet owner like myself could not have prepared for, but still… losing a Golden Retriever, well known as one of the sweetest dog breeds in existence as well as one of the last living connections to my dad, hurts.
Maybe I could pull a story out of my ass about that for the EQG-verse? But in my world, Sci-Twi is kinda evil and in league with the EQG version of Donald Trump (who himself dies before the universe's climax). Those of you who read my Sci-Twi story have seen the seeds I've sown. A few folks in the comments got it.
Perhaps you'll be interested in where I was planning to take my EQG-verse? Maybe one day if I don't put out real stories, I'll tell y'all, just like I did Pinkamena. Until then…
Peace out.
Making a story out of it, delving into not only the sweetness, but also the bitterness, and the feelings of guilt, will not only help you express those feelings, but may also give you and others insight on how to forgive yourself. That being said, grief and guilt are very difficult. Almost impossible at times. The world's heaviest weights. So much so they can even cause us to give up on life and just wait for death if not literally break our heart. Just give yourself time, if nothing else. Be kind to yourself. You said it yourself some things just... happen. No matter how good at caring for others you are. It's impossible to prevent every mistake, every problem. It sucks ass. But... it just is. And the best thing we can do is be there for each other in this time of need, and help others find their way through it at the same time.