Reason For Future Absence.

So, I'm making this for personal reasons and also for any of you- which is probably a miniscule amount- that may see this. After all, my stories are amateur in nature, but it's FanFiction. Anywho, I wanted to make this post to say that my stories are most likely going to slow down exponentially. And if you care, I'm going to try to explain why.

So I guess I should set the stage and give context. There was an event a year ago that shattered my life. It was odd, it was like a panic attack that never ended. Every day felt like I was going to die. Which is peculiar considering I've never had anxiety or severe anxiety. I have had depression though, which beat the crap out of me most of my life. But during that time period before the panic attacks, I wasn't as depressed as before. If anything, I was somewhat content, despite there still being some issues. But the symptoms ranged from heart palpitations, bodily inflammation, swollen lymph nodes, and I couldn't go to the bathroom. Sometimes it felt like my blood was on fire. And this made sleep impossible, so I was awake for days which took an even further toll on my health.

And of course, this prompted me to go to the hospital, where they did some checks and said they couldn't find anything. But my mind and body alarm bells were ringing LOUD. So the symptoms devolved and with a few more visits, they insisted they couldn't find anything. 

The winds of fate seemed to want to be cruel and instill further punishment upon me as my personal doctor was on vacation and unavailable. Due to being told I was fine, and being given depression and anxiety medication that didn't work, and lack of sleep, I started to get delusional. 

I remember there was a point where suicide- something I worked hard to get off the table and vowed to never have on again- ended up back on the table. I called a suicide hotline, as a cry for help, and I insisted it wasn't anxiety. Their response? It's just anxiety.

But eventually, it got bad enough that they sent me to a psych ward. Which allowed me to see over the cliffside into the abyss. During the night there, I awoke and laid out on the main floor, feeling like I needed to survive. So I sat by the water machine and drank. The staff demanded I get up and go to my room but my legs failed me and I couldn't stand. They got angry with me, and snapped at me to stop faking it. They handed me a walker that I had to use to get to my room where I stayed awake before I insisted I be discharged and let go. If I was going to die, I wanted to die with my family. Even as skeletal and non-existent as it was.

After all of this, I stayed home, and prayed and hoped I would make it. And since I'm writing this, you know the outcome. Eventually, my mother told me that her and my doctor thought I was having my first episode of schizophrenia. Which aligned with my heritage. But the major problems that he even admitted to me was that some things didn't add up. I didn't have visual or auditory hallucinations and the major connection was delusions. But that would put me more into schizo affective disorder and even so didn't explain everything. There were anomalies that planted seeds of doubt in the diagnosis.

To this day, I stand by that whatever happened to me, it almost killed me. I remember a moment I woke up in the middle of the night dizzy, and delirious, and I collapsed in the bathroom and felt this fading out feeling that felt really good. But I steeled myself to stay awake and not go back to sleep. But this event scarred me a bit, as it changed me forever and left me with trauma that I've attempted to move on with. To this day, sleep has still remained difficult, with headaches that have stayed for months. (Which they scanned, not finding anything in the headaches.) And every night when I try my hardest to sleep I wonder if I'll wake up. So my sleep has taken a massive hit and has made it difficult for me to live. This has also led to what feels like a bit of cognitive decline to me. Not to mention brain fog. 

Now, for all you know you probably DO think I'm crazy or it simply is anxiety. After all, you don't know me personally. But today, after a random previous blood test, I was told I had a marker that was borderline for hyperthyroidism. Which I don't know if I've finally achieved an explanation for it all, but I have a few weeks before I know anything further.

But why am I telling all of you this? It's deeply personal and I probably shared too much, but privacy doesn't exist anymore anyway lmao. Well, for me it's partly for personal venting but it's also to let any of you know why I may stop posting. Which sounds SUPER pretentious. It's just silly FanFiction afterall. But this is starting to affect my everyday life and my stories. I was in the middle of writing Alone before this event took place, which I guess helped inspire that story and honestly the Tempest saga in general. Maybe even Sparkle. Though, I tried to seperate myself from those stories as much as possible.

If I had to guess, I have a few stories in me left after "See" before I'll probably be absent for a while. Hopefully not forever. But who knows, maybe I'll get embarrassed by these stories in the future and nuke them. But I'm having fun for now. If you made it this far then thank you so much for reading. I hope you have a pleasant day or night.