An Empty World · 11:49pm Mar 9th, 2022
My one rule of writing love is this; Show what two characters get from each other that they couldn’t get from anyone else, and make it obvious that they are lesser without it.
My dog Sparky was put to sleep today. It hurts because his body failed long before his mind did. He had a long life, sixteen years, and it was a good life. He was loved. He was very deeply loved.
I can’t say how much by just telling you how good he was. Everyone thinks their dog is the best dog. Well, they were wrong. The position has only just been vacated. But just telling you how good he was doesn’t convey my grief.
I want to show you how empty my world is without him, so you can understand how important and loved he was.
When Sparky was only three years old, someone punched me in the head so hard they broke my circadian rhythm. It’s made me so nocturnal people call me a vampire, and I’ve become so pale I get sunburns from sitting next to windows.
That doesn’t mean I live in darkness. Darkness, real darkness, is peaceful. My world is fluorescent bright, which is worse. It is oppressively empty. It has helped me be a writer, because writing is a solitary pursuit, and I am alone.
A month after I moved out of home, I bought a camera, so I had a reason to leave the house. For fifteen years, I had walked Sparky three times a week. There were entire months where he was the only reason I would leave the house. Sometimes he was the only reason I could leave the house. He was a very friendly dog, but he could tell when I was scared, and he was protective.
I got a Nikon D3400 from a pawn shop with the last of my savings. I picked it because it was the best camera that I could afford that could do night photography. But it’s taken a year of practice to be able to show what I wanted to capture, when I bought it.
This is my world, the one that takes place between the hours of 10pm and 6am. It is a sick world of wrong colours. It feels like it is made for other people to be in, but never you. You are always unwelcome here. I walked on main streets for hours, and I passed only three people. When we passed each other, each person shared the same queasy, nervous smile that I gave them. We meant; Please don’t hurt me. That was the best we could hope for.
There is one kind of person who talks to me. When I go out to take photos like this, I’m usually pulled over by police, or private security, and questioned. This doesn’t happen during daylight hours. The world changes. It is less kind. It is more suspicious. I am more suspicious for living in it.
I moved out to live with one of my best friends, and he has been a better roommate than I could ever ask for. But he still needs to keep business hours. I have many wonderful online friends, better than I deserve. All in different timezones, very far away.
Sparky would stay up with me all night, every night. When I was too focused on my work he’d go and sleep on someone’s bed, but then he’d always get bored and come back to play with me after a little while.
He missed me, after I moved out. He had nobody to play with at these weird hours. He kept waking my mother and younger brother up all night, because I wasn’t there anymore. These were our hours, and I wasn’t there anymore to share them.
He kept wanting to play, long after his body wouldn’t let him anymore.
I used to be very, very sick. Some nights I would end up curled up on the floor and my head would explode and the pain was so much that I would try to kill myself by trying to rip my wrists open with my teeth. Sparky would force himself between me and my arms, jam his face under my chin, and smother me until I stopped.
And then he’d stay with me, for hours.
I miss him so much.
And now I’ll never see him again, and he can’t help me deal with the fact that he’s gone.
He was the smartest dog I’ll ever meet. He memorized the name of every toy he ever got, dozens of them over years. At Christmas, he’d carefully unwrap his presents in neat strips - and only his presents, no matter how excited. He taught himself tricks, and made up his own command words for them.
He would never bring a ball back, so he invented a game with hills. He’d get you to stand at the bottom of a hill, so that he could drop the ball at the top of it and he’d watch it roll to you. Because he couldn’t bring you the ball, but he still wanted you to have it.
When he was tired, he’d start letting the ball roll, then catch it with his paw. So you knew it wasn’t an accident, he was done. And then, after he caught his breath, he’d lift his paw back up, and watch it roll down again.
After he got hit by a car, his leg was in a cast. He started crying when he realized he couldn’t jump up on beds anymore. I moved my mattress out into the living room and slept on the floor until his cast was off.
I stayed up as long as I could this morning, until I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore. I knew the next time I woke up, he’d be gone. Even with his back failing, he still wagged his tail for me every time I visited, he was so happy to see me. So I couldn’t be there. It would have broken a very small, important piece of me to see him be so happy for me to see him die.
The best I could do was stay in the same world as him for every minute I could.
I’ll grieve, and I’ll mourn, and I’ll get better. I’ve had a year to prepare for this. The first time I was told it was going to happen, I was so heartbroken I flooded my apartment. I tried to do the dishes and left the sink overflowing for fifteen minutes. I didn’t notice it happening. My thoughts were static. I got to spend more time with him than I thought I would, and I’m grateful for that.
But my empty world was already very lonely. And now it is lonelier.
I've always liked seeing the world at night. It looks so different from how you normally see it in the day. I consider myself to be more of a nocturnal person too, always more active at night. I think it's also because, at least in my case, you have more time to yourself. Most the rest of the world is asleep, leaving everything empty. Where I live it's not as urban too, meaning less lights and more stars. When it's a full moon, it's actually bright enough to see by to a certain degree.
My condolences for the passing of your dog.
My one rule of writing love is similar: the way a dog looks at you with absolute trust, their willingness to be vulnerable around you and let you be vulnerable with them, the silent solitary companionship built on potential energy and unconditional support—a fraction of that, in human form.
I’m so sorry for your loss, and so glad the best dog ever was able to live with someone who loved him like you both deserved.
I wish I could say more than "I'm sorry" It feels so hollow and it never feels like enough. I think I got to meet him briefly and he was indeed lovely. I'm sorry I never got to meet him again.
I remember when you told me about the game of the hill. You were incredibly proud of Sparky for that. I'm sure he was equally proud of you.
I'm really sorry, man. Some things deserve to last forever. It's heartbreaking that they don't.
My sincerest condolences. This was a beautiful tribute to him.
Condolences. Death is THE worst. :-(
This was a remarkable tribute to Sparky. I'm so sorry for your loss.
My condolences on your loss.
A special kind of sad...
I caught myself singing for you "Empty Chairs at Empty Tables", and not only because of the haunting photography.
This is a lovely tribute to Sparky, and I'm so very sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry for your loss.
My old Tay figured out the "hill game" too, and he used to do the same thing when he got tired, holding the ball under one paw. I had to stop reading your post for a while when I got to that bit.
Words can't convey my sympathy.
I'm truly sorry for your loss.
A beautiful tribute, and I'm so sorry for your loss :(
My condolences, as inadequate as it seems to say that. I'm sorry.
My condolences, Numbers. This was a beautiful tribute, and he sounds like the very best of dogs.
Truly the goodest boi, an epithet reserved for those puppers who have directly saved their owner's life. I don't know if all dogs go to heaven, but this one better have if ol' Tetra knows what's good for Him. Have an utterly inadequate pair of sad ponies.
Such a beautiful tribute. I’m so saddened to hear that Sparky is no longer there, and so touched to hear how she was.
You are amazing writer, MrNumbers, and good photographer. Most amazing (for me) is simple fact you can write out important words/thoughts/feelings.
I also lost dog (Grey, he is on my profile pucture in livejournal) I lived with for 12 years just little more than year and 1/4 ago. I traveled far south from Saint-Petersburg (ru) to try and help another, much younger dog (i named him Fennec due to giant ears) born here at Karadag reserve/biological station. By now (after living here for year) I lost old scientist Alex Zanin who lived here due to stroke, gained few more dogs friends (with complex relations to even bigger circle of local dogs, some of them live in and around human houses, and some at streets) in addition to my new dog, and few new humans to help, too!
But I barely want to talk (write) about any of this, even if intellectually I still think writing is powerful tool...
oh, and just to top this Russian/Ukrainian war meancing in background for two weeks - people are killed, cities ruined, propaganda run wild on tv.. it all happens not exactly where I live, but much closer geographically and by impact on human families here... Guess I moved close to Real Life (grrr) after all!
I am truly sorry for your loss. Here's some sad music that i think is fitting. Even more so if you understand the places these songs are normally sung.
The first one is a beautifully created rendition of amazing grace.
https://youtu.be/xKQULTTnaI8
Youtube amazing grace
The second is one I have only heard at funerals specifically military funerals it was played when my grandfather who was a veteran died 2 years ago aproxamently. Along with the military honors. I believe it was the sadest I have ever truely seen a person when my dad accepted that flag. It will haunt me for a long time.
https://youtu.be/WIAjoTes_lQ
https://youtu.be/WIAjoTes_lQ
I'm very sorry.
It sounds like Sparky is a big part of who you've become, though, and I'm not sorry about that.
Words fail me
I'm so sorry for your loss
I'm sorry you're going through this. He sounds like a very special and unique dog. Those are some very beautiful unique pictures