Writing is a perishable skill · 3:53pm Mar 6th, 2022
I don't remember if I've mentioned it in a blog previously, but I've been depressed this year. Like, actual depression, or at least I feel more certain that it's an actual thing than I have at any other point in my life. I've been more anxious and less happy most of the time since I graduated last year, moved to a new city all on my own, and then promptly got shut in alone for most of that time because of the several waves of covid variants that swept through the world. I've always been a pretty optimistic, upbeat person, but that's not who I've been for much of the last year. I have good days and bad days, but the bad days have outnumbered the good. It's gotten to the point that I've made an appointment with a therapist for the first time in my life, which should hopefully happen sometime this week, insurance permitting.
At any other time in my life, I would have taken full advantage of this year of isolation. I would have gladly taken the time to myself and used it for my betterment. Learning new things, practicing skills, creating, whatever. If I was in the headspace I want to be in, I would have been pumping out content this year. I want to be pumping out content. One of my greatest joys is when I get to brighten someone else's day with something I made, and yet, now when I sit down and try to push myself to work on a project, I feel a creeping sting of anxiety in my brain. The needling thought of "What if this isn't good enough?" or "You need to get better before you can share this, you'll look like a fool if anyone sees this.". More often than not, it turns into me losing my drive to work and just returning to the numbness of disassociation.
And when I do manage to commit words to a page? They just aren't what they used to be. One of my worst habits as a writer is expecting too much out of my rough drafts. If the words aren't feeling right, more often than not it will shut down my flow and I'll backtrack until it does feel right, which grinds progress to a halt. That's more or less where I've been this past month. Progress is sluggish, and the past year with its sparse writing activity on my part seems to have rendered me rusty. Words don't flow like they used to. I haven't really entered a "flow state" with a creative project in a long time, with every milestone feeling harder and harder fought.
I'm not really sure where I'm going with this. Consider this a sort of half status update, half stream of consciousness. Not even accounting for global events of which we are all well aware, it's been a hard few months. I'm just hoping I can find some answers soon and get back to how things used to be. I want to feel the spark again.
I hope you've all been doing as well as possible, given the circumstances. At least I woke up this morning to something to lift the spirits: birb love :)
From one writer that had this problem to another, you're not alone. I stepped away for nigh 5 years from doing anything creative because life was beating my desire out of me. Take the time to sort yourself out and don't stress writing. The worst cycle is to beat yourself to the point you resent writing because you're not doing it.
For me, I eventually felt the need to create again after I found myself in a better place in life. Granted, it required me to move to Japan from Texas, but yours probably won't be so drastic. I dont have a solution for you, but do know that somebody cares.
This is Blue speaking (changed name)
Yeah, it's hard to be consistent. I know that well, and I also get frozen with anxiety wondering how people will interpret my work. The bad news is that this feeling will always be around. The bright side is that we can change the way we feel about ourselves. Every time you sit down to read or write, you're improving yourself. You're learning something every time you work whether you realize it or not.
The world has been a tough place for all of us in the past two years, but that doesn't mean we should let it keep us down. Maybe it would help if once a week, you set aside an hour where you do nothing but write. Just keep a consistent schedule. Set everything aside, and for that one hour, don't mess around on YouTube, your phone etc. Just write. Make yourself write. Progress may be slow, but that doesn't matter. You're consistently making an effort and that's the first step.
You got this man. I believe in you and you know where to find me if you need anything.
Love ya bro.
Oh hey did I write this
Take your time. Everyone deals with depression differently. I hope you feel better.
Also, saw the birb love on Twitter this morning, so thank you!
Take as much time as you need man, we love your writing but want you to be happy and healthy first and foremost. No matter we got your back!
I've been having this problem too, I want to write because I have fun doing so. There have been times when I've sat in front of the word doc and had no clue other than I need to write, even though so many other things have swamped my mind. One good thing though is that your fans are a patient and accepting bunch, so don't push yourself.
I feel ya. If you want to chat sometime, let me know. Sending a PM on this site will email me. I'm not actively monitoring discord, so I'm missing anything going on there.
I'm personally at the point in the year where I'm straight up losing time, which explains why I've taken days to write this response.
When I was at my lowest last year I'd push off my own mental health because I figured that "actual writers" didn't take their personal feelings into account when it came to writing—that it was supposed to be like brushing your teeth or going to the gym—but honestly, I think that common adage is only geared towards writers who aren't in something as bad as a depressive episode. So if there's any chance at all that you're thinking about that "your feelings don't matter when it comes to art as a skill" crap, throw it out because it doesn't apply to you as you are right now.
Any progress is better than where you were previously. Take comfort in that, and make that the only thing on your mind. Quality can be mined out of rough writing. But the most important thing is to make yourself the priority. Push writing out of your mind altogether if you need to, because the last thing you want is for your brain to associate the act of sitting down to write with exhaustion and agony. Don't feel bad for needing to recharge. Think of it as like, hibernating or something. At some point in the future your writerly self will burst out of wherever he's been hiding, yelling about birds, his dick out, guns akimbo and blazing. But for now don't feel bad about simply trying to vibe and feel better.
I hope the therapy goes well, it's fuckin' dope that you're doing that. And I hope you feel better soon bud, I love you