Impossible Numbers Update: Still Alive, But Busy · 11:02pm Mar 4th, 2022
I'll give you the abridged version: Hello, I'm here to say goodbye. Officially. For how long, I have no idea. Sorry. It's complicated. 😟
Longer version below.
Longer version here: You may or may not have noticed my absence these last three months. You may even have asked why that is. Well, the simple answer is that the last three months have been Hell with a capital H, for various personal and psychological reasons.
Some of these I don't feel comfortable elaborating upon (to give you a rough idea of what kind: medical plus therapy). Some are just me being fed up. Some were just me panicking in the moment. Some were problems that had been building up for years. Some were random snap decisions that made some kind of sense at the time. All of them point to me being in a... dysfunctional frame of mind, let's put it that way.
The result: As of now, I'm officially sitting this fandom out. 😞
See, ever since October 2021, I've been strongly reconsidering my lifestyle.
For one thing, I've been trying to severely cut back on general Internet and social media time - and hence, by extension, I've been severely cutting back on time spent surfing this site. Like, constantly-refreshing-the-page, waiting-for-something-to-happen-without-knowing-what, wondering-where-all-the-hours-have-gone kind of surfing.
I'm a mess. This thing's somewhere between compulsive and addictive, it's often a waste of time that just depresses me, it's alternately making me miserable and not cheering me up, and it's something I definitely need to be more disciplined about. Heck, I ended up coming back repeatedly to lurk, even though I was supposed to be making a clean break these last three months. You tell me how bad that is.
But more generally, I just haven't been enjoying most of my time here anyway. To be fair, there have been good bits, and there have been bad bits. More and more, though, it feels like the bad bits are becoming all the bits.
This has been true for years, but it's been especially bad since late last year, after I looked back at my last ten years and realized that - if I'm brutally honest - I'm actually deeply unsatisfied with my output throughout. It's not where I thought I'd be after all this stress. It's also simply not a laurel I want to rest on. I don't want another ten years like that under my belt. So I'm trying anything - radical or not - to do a course-correction. I got to prioritize.
More relevant to this site and fandom specifically, I feel I'm losing the plot. It goes without saying I still intend to write, and in fact am working on my own project right now. Whether I'll publish any of it is another matter entirely.
To be frank, I've come to the conclusion I love writing but at best over the years have felt less and less motivated to share the results. Unfortunately, I've let that grow to a point where it's draining my love of writing itself, and once something like that's grown, it takes a long time to weed the worst of it out. Longer than three months, it seems.
Especially in my current psychological state, being at the mercy of other people's fickle, incomprehensible, and often just plain negative judgements is a prospect that appeals to me not at all. Especially especially when paired with an obsessive, ambitious mindset dangerously prone to envy and resentment, it's just not a good fit. Call me thin-skinned and unsociable, but for me writing for people I barely really know just stops being fun after a while, and "a while" was a long time ago.
Long story short, I'm not enjoying the ride and I want to get off now, please.
No guarantees if/when I'll re-engage, beyond "not anytime soon". To be frank again, I'm struggling to think of a reason why I should. Much as I enjoy (roughly half of) the MLP:FiM TV show, I haven't been excited about any new pony media since around 2016, and have felt increasingly out of touch or at odds with the fandom as a result.
There is good news, though. I'm catching up on other stuff in the meantime. (One example and possible future discussion point: Gravity Falls is bloody amazing, and I'm loving every minute of it.)
What else? Oh yes, I'm leaving my works up on the off-chance anyone wants and/or needs them. I don't see the point of going nuclear. Plus, I might come back later if I start feeling differently. You never know what the future may hold.
Lastly, I want to apologize for vanishing without warning in December, on the off-chance anyone was getting worried. Blame my poor judgement skills for that one. At the time, I was trying to cut the tie as decisively and instantly as possible. Didn't work, and was a bit rude besides, so I hope this blog post makes up for that by being a bit more transparent as to what I'm doing.
Sooner or later, I would much like to return with something better to contribute. But as for me, for now, I can do no more than hope you maintain your good spirits, and enjoy what I cannot.
Basically, my unofficial absence is now official.
Impossible Numbers, out.
Understandable. You’re handling the realization well. Best of luck with the reprioritization, thank you for leaving up your stories, and I hope to see you again.
I figured something like this might happen. Clearly you’re doing the right thing for yourself, and neither I, nor most people reading this, hold that against you. Thanks for letting us all know, Impossible Numbers, and best with everything. If you’re ever back around these parts, it’ll be great to see you.
And thanks for leaving your 100+ stories up, I look forward to gradually reading more and more of them (as I’ve only read a chunk thus far) in the months and years to come!
whatever you do, I hope you are well, and we'll continue to enjoy what you've left us even if this is it :)
Sounds like a wise decision, and a healthy one for you. Thanks for all the fun stories you've given us, and may your future be bright.
Best wishes and hopes for your health! Thank you for all that you have shared!
Even better if you find an agent/publisher and can sell the results from your own project! At least then the "people you barely really know" will be funding you!
Take care.
Stay safe, enjoyed reading your stories! Don't come back if you don't want to.
It's been a good one, man. Keep on keeping on
This can be true for anything fun, and it can be hard to find a balance sometimes. I hope you're able to come back someday, if you still enjoy horsewords.
Gravity Falls is good but it was kind of rushed at the very end. It deserved more seasons and a little more care. Mabel is awesome. Most of the characters are well-developed though there could be more growth (a little of this came at the end of the series, at least). It's not pony, but it's good.
Be well and thank you for all the time you spent with us. It means a lot to me, and I'm sure others agree.
Thank you for your excellent stories and blogs. I hope whatever you do next with your time brings you joy, and we get to chat again, be it here or elsewhere
Well, whatever it is you're doing next, I hope you'll be the more happier for it.
Take care and good luck.
Take care of yourself! Hope to see you on the flip side.
I had no idea your mental condition had gone this bad. Unfortunately I couldn't help the past year as I was so busy with building my own writing that I forgot nearly everything else because of it. I hope that you will return one day and that I will get the chance to be of help again.