Beyond burning out · 9:29pm Feb 18th, 2022
Sorry for nothing new for two months. Been doing my best not to inundate with every little thing going on.
In my previous blog, I said how I was working on the next chapter of John. Never has that stopped being true. I have been working on it the whole time. I ran into an issue in January with the current chapter which took weeks to resolve. I am still working on it bit by bit. I had a panic attack while writing a small section of it last week. That has never happened before. I've even reviewed the bit this happened in, there was nothing triggering in it. It, along with everything that has been going on, simply overwhelmed me.
I've been having a rolling mental breakdown over the last two months. My brain has been fighting me as I fix emergency after emergency in my life while trying to write John and upgrade my non-MLP story. While that upgrade has happened, I still doubt it is enough to make it worthy of publishing.
Emergency-wise, this week alone has seen a terrible more than 24 hour period of looking like our dog with cancer which had us looking at it being time to make the heavy decision until she managed to make a turn for the better. This rolled straight into the router/modem completely dying and I have been doing everything I can to get that, along with all attached services, back up in a way that works for everyone but not least of all my father who now struggles even more with technology, yet needs it to ward off more deterioration. It took three days, three full days, to get it to its current state and I am beyond burned out.
I also have a major pending repair needed for my laptop in order to extend its life which must be done before April. When that happens, I will likely not have much in the way of computer or internet access for about a week.
I've been in a state of pure exhaustion and tears almost the whole time. When I try to use my imagination for any writing, I am struggling to bring out much at a time, making big-picture preparation almost impossible. My brain is tormenting me with near constant thoughts of ways to just end my life and I am fighting against it with everything I have. I feel like I'm mentally devolving/dissolving, it is hard to determine which is more accurate.
Worst part is, even with therapy, my brain sees through it to the empty words they give. I am floundering and even though I ask for direction there is nothing given. It is all well and good to write lists as they recommend, but when there truly is no way out in sight, those lists are meaningless. Medication either doesn't help, makes it worse, or induces ravenous hunger which leads to further issues both physically and mentally, causing a feedback loop.
There is more, so much more, but I can't even remember it all. I am just so exhausted, I can't even remember it all.
Sorry. I'm still trying, but it is hard,
Tael.
I know the feeling on every bit of what you are talking about, through I never actually needed medication myself, safe for sleeping pills, so I won't pretend that my situation was anywhere near comparable to yours. But, whenever I am faced with such thoughts, I keep in mind that those aren't my actual thoughts but that it is dues to a chemical imbalance in the brain that is deregulating things. I am not a social person by any stretch of the imagination, but socializing with casually with other people can help a lot. My personnel solution to counter that is to take up a personnel challenge, of focusing on at least one task that I aim to improve on for the next couple of months, Keep the daily goals small but improve on them a little more each day; but that is just my trick, try to think one that actually works for you. I wish you the best and I understand your struggle dudette. Keep at it.
I can't give you any sound advice on depression/medications, but remember, you're not under any obligation to write this for us. Don't let that stress you out. Find something else to focus your mind on. Go out for a walk or a swim or something. You might be able to find a local tabletop RPG group, and if you find a fun one, that can be a great social interaction to look forward to.
I don't know if you'd believe me, but it's your expectations that things will go wrong that is causing it. Belief charged with strong emotion causes things to manifest, bad or good.
Seems to me what you need is a reset. To meditate or just go out for a walk somewhere calming. Some place like the park or the beach or in nature somewhere. Once there, just let everything go. Don't think about your troubles or the story. Just pay attention to that moment and how everything there is not trying to harm you. Be at peace there. You need this break. If you can settle your heart more, all the rest of your problems will gradually fade away, especially if you stop expecting them. Life isn't out to get you if you don't want it too. You can have happiness too.
In peace and stillness, you will find clarity for your visions. With all other troubles set aside, the floodgates to your internal world shall be open. At that point the challenge is to write it all down fast enough to keep up with the incoming flow of ideas.
5637256
5637274
5637447
Tried walking, but my brain is still wired. Have managed to get a doctor's appointment and will follow their direction.