Friendship is Card Games: Rainbow Dash Presents: A Beautiful Day in Equestria (with bonus story!) · 1:47pm Feb 13th, 2022
This week, we take a dip into metahorror. And the scariest thing of all is that I had to make an unscheduled addition to today’s material!
A Beautiful Day in Equestria
A Beautiful Day in Equestria presents common ponyfiction tropes as an external force, oppressive as the narratively enforced sunshine as they force the Mane Six dance to their hackneyed tune. Only by fleeing to the Everfree, where the laws of nature as we know it reign dominant over any artificial contrivance, does Twilight free herself from the worn-out story beats.
So the question now is how MA!Rainbow Dash will warp the story beyond recognition.
“Rainbow Dash Presents: A Beautiful Day in Equestria!”
“What, you go to work or something?”
“No… I called in sick…”
Gold from the first moment.
Ah. In this case, the interminable sunshine is because Best Pony’s had her hoof caught in a cloud generator for weeks. At least she’s not getting consigned to Rainbow Duty.
Dash being accused of hurting herself for medical insurance fraud makes so much sense, I’m surprised that I haven’t seen it elsewhere. Of course, Ponyville and the insurance industry don’t exactly get along well.
Ooh, nice continuity with the boarded-up hole from when Luna barged into the library in RDP: Haunting Nightmare.
And in this iteration, rather than Twilight botching a spell, she just fractures both of Dash’s wings because it was a stupid idea… and because this Twilight doesn’t have issues or even subscriptions. She’s got a whole Library of Congress.
Lovely interplay between the narration and the animation. Twilight opens her mouth to tell Spike to get the water, Dash says she goes herself, and she resignedly gets up.
Yeah, this is not meant to be a titillating kiss. Dash’s “kisses make booboos better” logic does help, as does her frantic glancing around. Still, Twilight is emphatically not amused, and seems to think Dash wrote this herself. Or she’s just willing to blame the messenger.
Oh, this is an outstanding way to turn horror into comedy. Just make the insidious, will-warping voice into an ineffectual whiner.
“Who the hell names their kid ‘Pip’? Isn’t that child endangerment?”
Huh. Well, that got a bit more bizarre after G5. Though it seems naming them Zipp makes them much more amenable to taking risks.
“Dracula, son of Rainbow Dash” does have a nice ring to it.
Oh! I hadn’t realized that this was one of Dawn Somewhere’s own ponyfics. I thought the early narration sounded like Mentally Advanced Celestia.
But, as the post-credits scene shows, running out of one story can mean running into another. Twilight does have an unfortunate habit of stumbling upon unknown civilizations of primates, doesn’t she?
I wholly accept this as the canon ending to the original story. I see no problems whatsoever… other than this being six and a half minutes long. Not quite enough to work with, so let’s grab something quick.
… I didn’t actually plan for this; let me flip through my shelves real quick…
Ah! Going off the theme of Derpy doing goofy things, let’s go with
Derplicity
This lovely bit of Skywriter-borne madness is one of the best “X is actually a changeling” stories by showcasing what everyone knew and even the show acknowledged: Symbiosis was always an option. The only problem with that plan was Chrysalis herself.
Plus, the only thing better than Best Pony saving the day is her doing so completely by accident.
In all, an outstanding read while, thankfully for my purposes today, still being relatively short. Now, let’s see what I can put together from this unlikely combination:
Oppressive Light 1W
Enchantment
Creatures can’t attack you or planeswalkers you control unless their controller pays X, where X is your devotion to white. (Each W in the mana costs of permanents you control counts toward your devotion to white.)
Guilty Retreat 3WW
Instant
Exile all creatures that dealt damage this turn. You gain 2 life for each creature exiled this way.
Some flee to seek repentance, others to escape judgement.
Disregard U
Instant
Choose one —
• Counter target spell that targets you.
• Target permanent you control gains hexproof until end of turn.
“Let me know when you do something important.”
Urban Glamor 1U
Instant
Counter target spell unless its controller pays 1 for each Gate you control.
Pupa was dumbfounded by the hustle and bustle of Ponyville. Actually finding Canterlot might have made her ganglia burst.
Address the Audience 1UU
Sorcery
A person outside the game looks at the top seven cards of your library. They put two of those cards into your hand and the rest on the bottom of your library in a random order.
“Let’s see what the folks at home think!”
Industrial Mishap 3U
Enchantment
When Industrial Mishap enters the battlefield, choose up to one target artifact and up to one target creature. Tap those permanents.
The chosen permanents don’t untap during their controller’s untap step.
“I’ll need a wrench and a bonesaw.”
Invite Agony 1B
Sorcery
Target player chooses one or two creatures they control. Distribute three -1/-1 counters among those creatures.
Never tell Twilight Sparkle to “go nuts.”
Malformed Spawn 2B
Creature — Spawn Horror
Menace
Malformed Spawn can’t block.
Curating Malphigi’s flawless genome left most of her siblings horribly deformed, only able to inspire unpalatable fear.
4/1
Egghauler 3B
Creature — Shapeshifter Serf
Flying
When Egghauler dies, create a 1/1 black Shapeshifter creature token for each creature that died this turn.
The trick is finding somewhere to put the eggsac. The larvae can feed themselves.
2/2
Recurring Tragedy 3B
Sorcery
Target player exiles four cards from their graveyard. If fewer than four cards were exiled this way, that player loses life equal to the difference. Exile Recurring Tragedy with three time counters on it.
Suspend 3—B (Rather than cast this card from your hand, you may pay B and exile it with three time counters on it. At the beginning of your upkeep, remove a time counter. When the last is removed, cast it without paying its mana cost.)
Stormcloud Generator 1R
Artifact
T: Add R. Spend this mana only to cast an instant or sorcery spell.
3R, T, Sacrifice Stormcloud Generator: Create an X/1 red Elemental creature token with trample and haste, where X is the number of instant and/or sorcery cards in your graveyard. Exile that token at the beginning of the next end step.
Thirsting Courser 2RR
Creature — Pegasus Vampire
Flying, haste
Whenever one or more Vampires you control deal combat damage to a player or planeswalker, create a Blood token. (It’s an artifact with “1, T, Discard a card, Sacrifice this artifact: Draw a card.)
3/3
Climactic Dragon 3RR
Creature — Dragon
Flying
Whenever Climactic Dragon attacks, you may pay 1R. When you do, gain control of target enchantment until end of turn. If it’s a Saga, put a lore counter on it.
Every good story has a dragon. The dragons make sure of it.
4/4
Shelter from the Unnatural G
Instant
Draw a card if an opponent cast an artifact spell this turn. You and permanents you control gain protection from artifacts until end of turn. (You and they can’t be blocked, targeted, dealt damage, or equipped by anything that’s an artifact.)
“The Copabanana” 1G
Enchantment — Song
At the beginning of your upkeep, put a verse counter on “The Copabanana”.
G, Sacrifice “The Copabanana”: Create X Food tokens, where X is the number of verse counters on “The Copabanana”. (They’re artifacts with “2, T, Sacrifice this artifact: You gain 3 life.”)
Everfree Tiki Bar 2G
Enchantment
Each modified creature you control can’t be blocked by more than one creature. (Equipment, Auras you control, and counters are modifications.)
2G: Put a +1/+1 counter on target creature that doesn’t have a +1/+1 counter on it.
Bongo Bonobo 2GG
Creature — Ape Bard
Finale — Whenever you sacrifice a Song, create a 3/3 green Ape creature token.
Someone’s got to keep the beat for the rhythm of the wild.
3/3
Crumbling Statue 3
Artifact
T: Add one mana of any color.
4: Crumbling Statue becomes a 6/4 Construct artifact creature with trample. Sacrifice it at the beginning of the next end step.
The changelings barely noticed the fort’s original decor… until it made them.
Hive Recycler UB
Artifact
1, T, Sacrifice a creature: Draw a card and put a charge counter on Hive Recycler.
UB, T, Remove three charge counters from Hive Recycler: Create a token that’s a copy of target creature.
Nothing goes to waste in the hive.
Aggressive Medicine RW
Instant
Regenerate each creature you control. Aggressive Medicine deals 1 damage to each creature. (The next time each creature you control would be destroyed this turn, it isn’t. Instead tap it, remove all damage from it, and remove it from combat.)
Pupa, Accidental Symbiont GWU
Legendary Creature — Shapeshifter
Flying
Whenever you cast a permanent spell, you may pay that spell’s mana cost. If you do, copy that spell. You may choose new targets for the copy. (Mana cost includes color. The copy becomes a token.)
2/3
Grotesque Synthesis 1BGU
Sorcery
Search your library for a nonland permanent card, put it onto the battlefield, then shuffle. You lose life equal to that permanent’s mana value.
“If you can’t craft what you need from your own amoplasm, why bother?”
—Queen Chrysalis
Malphigi, Apex of Cruelty 2UBR
Legendary Creature — Shapeshifter
Mutate 3(ur)BB (If you cast this spell for its mutate cost, put it over or under target non-Human creature you own. They mutate into the creature on top plus all abilities from under it.)
Flying, menace
Whenever this creature mutates, each opponent sacrifices an artifact or creature they control with the greatest mana value among artifacts and creatures they control.
4/4
Resinous Reclamation 3GU
Enchantment — Aura
Enchant land
You control enchanted land.
Enchanted land has “4, T: Create a 2/2 blue Shapeshifter creature token with changeling.” (It has every creature type.)
Chrysalis maintains some hives’ original rooms in case they prove useful.
Everfree, Primal Bastion
Legendary Land
T: Add G.
Channel — 4G, Discard Everfree, Primal Bastion: Create a 3/3 green Ape creature token. It gains hexproof, reach, and indestructible until end of turn. This ability costs 1 less to activate for each legendary creature you control.
I actually see a bunch of confusion online around the naming of Zephyr Heights's royal sisters, so I'll report here what was stated by the people who worked on the movie and some of my own thoughts for anyone who might be interested: Zipp is, as shown in the film, short for Zephyrina. She's named after the city itself became she's the heir to the throne and Queen Haven is kind of a pretentious show-off-y pony. It's entirely possible there wasn't even a monarchy until she made herself queen by pretending she could fly but that's beside the point and I need to write a story about that at some point. Pipp isn't short for anything, it's just her name. She was called that because Zephyrina was getting called Zipp. She was literally named after her sister's nickname. That's probably the start of Pipp's issues, though certainly not the end of them.
Also completely unrelated but Pipp's name was changed to Ruby in the Italian adaptation for... reasons, presumably. Maybe because pippa is a slang for masturbation, maybe because pippare is a term for doing drugs (usually coke). Maybe because historically the people in charge of some Italian adaptations are absolute morons.
Stupid Complicated Game Alert: Unlike some similar effects, Oppressive Light doesn't care about the number of creatures involved. If you manage to temporarily escape the narrative, you can bring as many friends as you want.
Guilty Retreat in a counter-milling deck seems pretty OP...
Do you think the secret society of Everfree primates get along with the secret society of Everfree deer?
5635956
The Pipp localization thing seems like a little from Column A, a little from Column B to me.
Also, yeah, I can see how Pipp's name would contribute to the already present "heir and a spare" issues.
5636683
The thing is, you have to let them hit you first. If your opponent averages more than 2 damage per creature, you have a problem. You can mitigate that by blocking, but you still lose those creatures in the process. (Granted, in a lifegain-heavy deck, you can tank the hit and swing in next turn, but at least it comes out a turn later than Settle the Wreckage.)
5636712
I feel like it's an elves vs. orcs situation, though certainly one of the more positive takes on orcs. Naturally, Twilight will try to negotiate peace between the two factions several times over the course of her reign. She'll fail, because the only thing the Everfree's secret societies hate more than each other is external interference, but she'll try.
5636727 Except that, the way you word it, you can cast the thing after one of YOUR attacks, i. e. Zerg-rush your opponent, then slurp up the life force of any and all of your counter-critters that got through.
5636730
... I mean, I guess, but then it's just a more expensive, less effective Congregate with extra card disadvantage. Especially if they take the hit.
5636727
She'll fail because Aspen believes that the apes are agents of chaos moving in on his territory as part of an elaborate Discordian plot, and Discord refuses to either confirm or deny this.