Where did I go? · 3:10am Jan 31st, 2022
Yeah... I'm not gonna lie, I was really hesitant to make this blogpost after being silent for so long. But since I haven't made any updates since last year, it's only fair I explain myself.
For the last several months, I've been working as hard as I can to support myself as an independent freelance writer, and keeping myself and my boyfriend afloat financially. Ever since the summer of 2020, when I made the rash decision to quit my stressful hotel job for the sake of my physical and mental health, I was consistently doing whatever I could to keep a roof over our heads and our bills paid. And throughout the past year and a half, Stormy and I have received nothing but the deepest generosity and love from all of you; and for that, we will always remain eternally grateful. There's no words to describe how much I've come to love all of you for the support and reception provided.
With that being said though, the end of 2021 also sparked newfound feelings of paranoia and depression I couldn't ignore any longer.
Around the beginning of January, my mental health took one of the biggest hits since July of 2020. I don't know if it was because of outside vices like alcohol & weed (medically approved in my state), the continuing state of the world outside, personal feelings of inadequacy and failure, or some concoction of all of the above; but regardless as to why it happened, there were a couple weeks that I was left unable to do anything but slip into a deep bout of lethargy and depression.
I was questioning everything I had been doing for the past couple years, with my thoughts becoming more self-deprecating and bitter by the day. I wasn't reaching any truly severe points during that time, which I'm honestly more grateful for than anything else; but as I thought back to how 2021 had gone (especially the most recent months), I was legitimately feeling like I was letting my potential go to waste.
Writing is my passion, and it's something I'm not planning to stop anytime soon. But considering how I left my last official "job" over a year and a half ago, and my BF and I are stuck in a shithole city full of anti-maskers, I'm really not confident in finding much employment for the time being. That realization made me feel like I was basically trapped in my current predicament, and that I'd be stuck doing the same content month after month just to survive. And after a while, those feelings manifested into more troubling thoughts that I'd rather not get too specific about.
Now before anyone gets too worried, let me assure you all that I'm perfectly fine. The biggest bouts of depression had already passed weeks ago, and I've been spending the past week catching up on various projects to make ends meet. To be honest, I really felt like I needed that break from writing to better process my thoughts and assess what I need to do in the future. I can't say that I have a 100% confirmed gameplan, or even a set schedule for what's to come. However, I do feel the need to post several key points for what I want to explore during 2022:
1. Big Changes to my Patreon: Given the backlog of projects I still have to finish, my randomizer and story polls are still put on hold until I finish the winning projects of 2021. I also plan to try a different system of content selection for the sake of fairer patronage, and better opportunities for fans to suggest their ideas. I've already experienced a dramatic drop in Patreon tiers and followers, which I completely understand as a consequence of my inactivity throughout January. But rest assured, I have three different project entries that I'll have up on my official Patreon page by tomorrow. And after that, even more content is expected to arrive in droves.
2. More ambitious projects: Obviously, my efforts to make a physical book of Brushed Away is one of my top priorities (aside from commissioned works). But at the same time, I was also curious about putting some time each month into other non-clop projects. Whether that be continuing my M/M romance Shut Up and Dance, creating a short story series in the Brushed Away universe, or starting work on a specific horror-themed storyline (which could either be focused around Cozy Glow's origins, or even as an original novel), I'm really determined to provide more than just porn for you guys to enjoy.
3. Getting myself in a better headspace: I don't have any health insurance, and no good means of talking with a professional about my mental health. But after a lot of introspection, I'm fairly sure that I legitimately have some form of ADHD. I'm doing my best to handle things on my own; but considering how long I had been inactive online, it's clear that I still have a ways to go. All I can do for the moment is try my best to keep my financial security in check, just in case another episode comes up in the future that places more strain on myself and my BF.
4. More Interaction with my fans: Aside from my official Discord channel, which is linked to my Patreon account, I'm aware that I haven't been too active among my readers in recent months. I could easily try to blame that on being busy all the time, but I know that's cheaper than my booze preferences. I really wanna try and put myself more out there, both for the sake of my work and also my mental health. So if you guys wanna see more of my work and keep me active, any reception or feedback you could provide would be much appreciated.
Am I confident in what the future holds? Ehhhh... kinda? Although considering how things have been going in the world, I'll take whatever I can at the moment. 2021 may have kicked my ass, but I'm gonna be damned if 2022 can get a secondary sucker-punch. I'm not going to stop writing, nor am I going to let myself be pulled down by my own personal demons. This is the only life I have, and it's not one I'm willing to give up any time soon. I have no idea what's going to come my way in the future; but much like the characters in my stories, I have to keep hope that things will get better with a little effort and determination.
Yes! That is a very healthy mindset, I'm sorry to hear about your depression and the struggles you're facing just from living in that state, but keeping up hope will go a long way (just as Somnambula). Don't worry, we're all here for you, even if you just want to talk
I totally understand. 2020 & 2021 has fucked with all of us in some way or another Glad you are determined to keep writing. Hope things calm down for you soon.
Whatever happens bud we'll be right behind you, always
Take all the time you need and go at your pace dude. If you think your ready to start writing again go for it.
I'm sorry to hear that. Take as much time as you need. I wish for you and your boyfriend a lots of luck in this new year and hope for an best recovery for you.
Take your time hun, darkness comes for us all and if you need time take it. Each of us deals with it differently but the fact that you came back and talked about it means a lot.