• Member Since 3rd Dec, 2017
  • offline last seen Monday

An Intricate Disguise

Selling out has never felt so dirty. (Patreon!)

More Blog Posts94

  • 1 week
    If I Could Delete This I Would

    I know, I'm sorry in advance. I hated writing this but I'm in a real pinch and don't know what else to do. Explanation below, please read this if you have the time.

    I dunno, it's really hard to put all of your personal information out there like this, but I suppose the only way I can ever expect anyone to understand is to share what's been going on, so let's get into it...

    Read More

    19 comments · 1,291 views
  • 9 weeks
    There is a LOT Going on Right Now

    Hey guys.

    Okay so I don't even know where to start but I'm gonna try to write this one quickly as possible and it'll probably end up fairly abridged seeing as my actual literal girlfriend is landing in the UK to come stay with me in less than an hour???? (fuck shit fuck)

    But anyways yeah life's been pretty insane the last few days and not in happy good ways.

    Read More

    10 comments · 520 views
  • 25 weeks
    I Wish I Could Not Write this Blog

    Posting it will be harder. I’ve put off writing this blog for a while. Lots of reasons, really. Anxiety, unwillingness to go through the act of conceptualising, writing, and posting something like this, and hope that the situation would naturally resolve itself. It’s been months, and the situation has actually gotten worse, and so here I am, ready to share embarrassing personal details and

    Read More

    42 comments · 3,997 views
  • 67 weeks
    Signal Boost for B_25

    Hey gang, wish this was a story update coming to you right now but I've got one in the works so keep your eyes peeled—however I've noticed my friend B falling into dire straits over the last couple months and after he's helped me multiple times in the past with my own issues, I thought it only fitting I give a shout out to him when he's having trouble.

    Read More

    7 comments · 873 views
  • 77 weeks
    A Reading of Giantdad with B_25 and Greyson, Along with a Short Addendum

    Hey guys, hope everyone's enjoying their early 2021 and had a great new years!

    Read More

    2 comments · 492 views

I Wish I Could Not Write this Blog · 10:22pm January 10th

Posting it will be harder. I’ve put off writing this blog for a while. Lots of reasons, really. Anxiety, unwillingness to go through the act of conceptualising, writing, and posting something like this, and hope that the situation would naturally resolve itself. It’s been months, and the situation has actually gotten worse, and so here I am, ready to share embarrassing personal details and feel crippling inadequacy once again. Lemme take a breath before I woosh right in…

Okay, ready as I’ll get. Regardless of what you decide, please share this blog if you're able. It'd really, really help me out and I'd appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.

First thing to say right now is a bit of positive news: despite my personal situation being a bit, erm, intermittently hyper-stressful, I don’t feel as heavily depressed these days? I don’t know, I write a lot more often (I have well over 100k of content post-ready or nearly so), I spend more time around people, waste less time, and generally feel a little more comfortable in my own skin? 

Saying that alone is amazing. Not ever feeling like I actually want to die or, as was much more common a notion for me, ‘slip into a coma for a couple years’ is a terribly brilliant thing to be able to say. I still have bad days, but they’re definitely less severe. I have you wonderful people and writing in general to partially thank for that, even though the threads between us haven’t been woven as clearly in recent times. 

While I’m happy I’m able to say that I feel less doomed and more willing to see my own potential for success, more willing to rebuild the tools to mentally strive for it, the prospect that’s replaced lethargy and doubt as I’ve tried and struggled against a waning tide is… doubt of a different flavour?

That sounds stupid when I say it out loud. Doubts don’t have flavours. Sorry, I’m in a lot of pain right now and thinking clearly is a little hard. More on that later. I want to try and give a clear overview of things in order, and don’t wanna get too jumbled up in the process. 

Okay, first thing’s first: I have tried and pushed and STRUGGLED this year against the worst and most potent creative burnout period of my life to reignite my passion and ability as a writer, because I want to be able to bring the people who enjoyed me and my works more in order to thank them, because I wanted to be self-sufficient and make myself proud, and because I wanted to prove to myself I could do it.

I’ve refrained from really publishing this year out of fear of posting things that might remain incomplete and not wanting to unnecessarily get peoples’ hopes up about a return prematurely. I am beginning to realise that fear worries less if it appears as if I’m constantly inactive and people at large think I’m dead. I’m going to start posting more often now. I think the people who have stuck it out and waited so long to see more work from me deserve as much, and honestly?

I miss you guys. I miss your comments and your thoughts and praise and even somehow I miss the badgering to update a story that I secretly hate, or the PM’s asking me if I do free requests, or the little rush I’d get when a line I was happy with in a story got noticed by even one person, or the anxiety that came with posting something having no idea how it’d be received…

I mean, in the latter’s case, I feel that way about this blog, but the anxiety is weathered just slightly by the fact that the friends I have on this site (who I’ve discussed the need to do this with multiple times and have put off so many times out of a sheer wish not to) have all assured me that it’s okay to struggle and need help.

And so here I am, wearing my struggles. Please look at me, and see me, and understand I’d preferably be seen literally any other way. Part of me would rather have just disappeared and not bothered anyone again, as sad as that may seem. Part of me still worries that I won’t be able to do anything to earn the patience and care this community has had for me in the past, or that I’ve never been worthy of it. Part of me knows that if I was a stronger or more resilient person then my situation would be more easy to handle.

But despite the fact that this year, I refused to accept my own stagnation, I refused to sit in isolation and simply watch the world pass me by, saying that I would do things and that I would get where I wanted to be one day and be happy eventually, I decided that as much of a struggle as it might be, I’d get up and try my hardest to make something happen.

And I think that I have… I started the year in a very similar situation to that of the previous year. In the midst of shitty lockdown conditions, feeling isolated and alone, suffering from an inability to hold down shitty emotions and focus on both myself and my needs, living month by month constantly being unable to afford anything and feeling irrevocably trapped in my situation, inundated by unpleasant thoughts and dread at the prospect of having to face another month of this same shit.

I became even more withdrawn than usual from my friend group. If you’ve ever been on my Discord server, you’ll know that I don’t really communicate on there anymore. I used to really enjoy interacting with people there, but when the workflow halted and I stopped really posting to the site the idea of talking to people from the site and potentially being asked ‘why’ and ‘when’ felt too daunting and stressful. What if people just didn’t understand, or had unrealistic expectations, or just thought me lazy?

It might’ve felt even worse if people had just accepted. I didn’t want to accept myself and the way that I was, and having others do so would only in essence afford me a comfort I felt inappropriate. I was, in my eyes for all intents and purposes, an unorganised lazy fuck that didn’t deserve peoples’ patience or sympathy, and even still, when I have bad or unproductive days, those are the self-judgments I default to, which I realise is unhealthy and reductive, but is something that I find difficult to shift away from.

But yeah, the start of the year came and I’d had another false start. Christmas 2020 was incredibly stressful to me, as some who’ve read my previous blogs may remember I ended up in a large fight at Christmas that pushed me once again into the throes of a shitty mental state for a good while and all but halted my progress on multiple things for a little while. Around that time, mum’s car got clamped, and a couple of other things went wrong, and all of a sudden, I was having to find money to help cover those things.

In fact, my general living expenses have all gone up this year. Prices of everything are increasing and I’m sure I’m not the only one being affected by this! It’s incredibly stressful working by commission for your money to pay bills and eat every month, when you end up behind, you don’t exactly know what you’re going to do. You know that you can’t end up behind or you literally will not be able to eat and pay bills. There is no monetary magician to bail you out, just grit and salt and ‘get the fuck up and get on with it’, which meant that even at my worst periods I couldn’t afford to burn out anymore. Even as I started to become more productive, I felt as if I was subsisting, like a parasite, barely getting by on what I had.

And then other, more gnarly expenses began to crop up. It got extremely stressful.

I cracked a tooth in March. It was painless at first, but still I tried to contact a dentist on the NHS and get it sorted out (I haven’t had a new dentist since moving as I was never able to find one taking on NHS patients), but again I had no luck. It took to the point of the tooth being abscessed and incredibly painful (if you’ve ever had an abscessed tooth you may understand this, I’ve heard it be compared to labour pains for giving birth but I have no idea if this is actually accurate and don’t wish to ignorantly presume?) for me to finally realise that irrespective of whether I could afford it this tooth NEEDED to be fixed or go or I was going to rip it out of my skull myself. It felt like it was killing me. This was in July.

I managed to round up some extra cash to help me during this period but even still the expenses of everything weighed down on me. Dental work is extremely expensive privately without insurance (something I’ve never even considered or worried about until now because I always, perhaps naively and ignorantly, thought that NHS treatment was available to me?), and on top of the bill is the fact that all the time I was suffering then with no answer to my worries in sight, I was taking a break from working simply because I felt unable to write with all of the pain mounting inside of me. It was horrible and gut-wrenching and the money that I lost from all of that time off was more painful than the bill.

Worse still was the prospect that apparently me chewing on one side of my mouth exclusively between March and July seemed to have exemplified other issues on the opposite side of my mouth. Yes, I know, Great British Book of Smiles, right? (Please don’t I know it’s an easy target but it makes me feel so insecure.) My teeth don’t actually look that bad, honestly. I do look after them. I went through periods in my worst stages of depression of not taking care of myself properly, but even then I still had some dental hygiene. Regardless, saying any of this out loud feels extremely exposing and embarrassing, but if I’m gonna come to anyone asking anything, I’m gonna be 100% honest.

I think the problem that’s resulted in more cavities than I care to admit is the sheer amount of sugar I’ve consumed over the last several years. I try very hard now to limit my intake and I’m very stringent in my oral health but the damage appears to have been done. When I was at the dentist then I asked how much it’d cost prospectively to fix all of the issues and unsurprisingly I was quoted a figure in the thousands. I thought to myself ‘okay I’d better look after myself and hope and pray NHS dentistry comes back soon so I can fix the issues? And off I went’.

But from there I had this deficit to make up all year from where I’d not been working. It became a handicapped race to keep ahead of my expenses, which only began to increase in the latter part of the year as birthdays and Christmases and other immediate expenses arose and on top of that my living condition changed, mum stopped receiving a temporary higher rate of benefit issued for Covid (mum is sick with her thyroid issue, chronic daily headaches, and another illness that’s more personal to her) and on top of that I started having to pay council tax.

There also was and still is an issue of rent-arrears, but I’m getting ahead of myself and that one isn’t as severe as it sounds, thank god.

Let’s rewind a bit. In late 2020 I started studying to become a mortgage broker, and though I kept this to my chest for a while I feel more comfortable sharing it now because I’ve progressed enough in my studies that it feels as if it’s a thing that will actually happen rather than just me talking. No matter what, I’ll finish the qualifications eventually, and hope that I’ll feel in a more comfortable position to find a suitable job in the field one day.

Contending studying with work and helping at home when mum’s been sick (though I could have used to have helped more) on top of how I was feeling was very stressful. For a period I started to withdraw from my friends which only piled on the stress, while also becoming aware of how incredibly alone I felt? Couple that with an asocial feeling and the sensation that I was bringing down the people around me and it was very easy for me to want to be on my own. Loneliness eventually led to me looking to find someone new to speak to, and without meaning to, shockingly, I ended up meeting someone who turned out to be very dear to me.

That said, this was after a fair amount of time wasted with someone who was rather negative and treated me poorly between February and May.

That said, I won’t talk about that person as doing so brings me no joy or catharsis, I’d much rather focus on the pleasant and that’s the American girlfriend I ended up getting together with last year, which, again, I never would’ve expected.

She’s lovely. She’s wonderful and makes me incredibly happy. She has given me large amounts of drive and motivation to succeed and has nurtured my emotions and cared for me and generally been very supportive of me and I’m incredibly grateful that she’s a part of my life. She went and got a part-time (now nearly full-time) job solely because she wanted and still wants to come to the UK and live with me. (We’ve figured out that living together would actually technically be a cheaper living situation for us both after the short-term, so assuming we can get all of the numerous prerequisites sorted and have emergency money, it’s definitely feasible.)

But this requires us both saving, and with all of the expenses I’ve had cropping up and all of the worries I’ve had this year I have not been able to save at anywhere near the rate I would’ve liked, and I’m lagging behind her, and I feel like a fucking disappointment, to be frank? She doesn’t put it like that, of course, but even so she made it clear when she got together with me that she wanted to be with someone that could help support her if necessary, especially seeing as she legally won’t be able to work immediately after moving here, and I’ve been trying my best to prove that but for the most part lately it’s seemed to not have been getting me anywhere?

It’s a lot of stress and it leads me to feel inadequate. Part of me is aware that I’m on the crux of reigniting certain things that may become earners in future. For example, I’m planning to relaunch my Patreon with a new structure this year that’s paid by update rather than month, which I’ve put a lot of thought into structuring and making interactive, fair, and fun, as well as incentivising me to write often, and I was hoping that the big return blog would be all about that, rather than this! It will still happen and I am excited for that, as well as other ideas I have for 2022 that I believe will be able to help push me in the right direction, but right now I have other thoughts and worries to contend with…

Christmas this year sucked. In November the whole house was suffering with Covid and I was working in a reduced capacity due to helping out at home more and feeling deathly sick, and then following that, in December, the HORRIBLE CRIPPLING PAIN OF TOOTH returned in full earnest. Hell, it was fucking worse than before which I didn’t think possible.

The worst period was over Christmas when I couldn’t see anyone even on an emergency basis. I was on max painkillers every day and still couldn’t talk, I would scream the house down and sob in pain and a lot of Christmas for my family and (very patient) girlfriend in a call with me was a chorus of ‘aaa-aaa-AAAAAA’ (although luckily I could mute the mic for her, can’t exactly do so for the rest of my household) and eventually I was able to get an emergency appointment to go and get a temporary filling.

No root canal though. Issue is still there, just covered up, and again, if you’ve been following me up until now, do you think that despite calling places daily, I’ve been able to find an NHS dentist since to finish the work? 

Apparently there is one place that might be taking on new NHS patients in May in the entirety of my county. I cannot deal with this without a solution for the next 4 months, and that’s even assuming I manage to register with them then and they don’t delay releasing patient slots like every dentist has been every time I’ve called them for the last couple years straight.

So I’m still dealing with a lot of the pain now. I can’t do a lot of basic things and I constantly feel fatigued, the last 3 or 4 weeks have felt like a year they’ve been so exhausting. Work has been incredibly hard. Writing this has been very hard, I’ve had to take multiple pain breaks throughout. I don’t sleep very well as it is, but this pain will wake you up in the night, it’ll strike while you’re eating or taking a bath or doing something that makes you even more indisposed, it’s indiscriminate pain and it doesn’t exactly have shame or mercy. It fucking sucks.

I really need it sorted.

It’s not the only thing I need sorting either. Christmas was too expensive, my general expenses are currently heavier than I’m used to, some of my current commission customers haven’t been able to keep to their previous payment schedules, and then others are upset with me because I’ve not been able to work on their projects at a reasonable enough rate over the last month or two… 

Which I can understand. It’s not their fault the entire world has conspired to ail me over the holidays. But it still leaves me in a position of being broke with little recourse.

And I’m meant to be paying my way at home, and that’s more than usual, and I’m meant to be saving for my girlfriend to be moving over this year, and I need money for other expenses and bills, I have an overdraft to pay off, I have the stupid bloody dental stuff and on top of that I dunno my bed’s been falling apart for literal ages (though it still works, it’s not top of the priority list), I have a lack of clothes right now which bothers me and on top of that there’s the rent-arrears thing (mum got behind in payments and owes them about a grand but she’s sorting a payment plan which is gonna leave her super broke for the next few months) and I don’t know, I just wanna be able to breathe. I want my head above water. 

I kinda constantly feel like I’m running out of time, and the moment there’s something around the corner that if I can just hold on long enough I’ll be able to reach out for it and grab it and I’ll be okay and it’ll actually be off my own back and I’ll be able to really be proud of myself? And I am proud of myself for being more productive and working this year, for not giving up. I’m incredibly grateful to the people I have around me and to the community I have that still exists and that I’m reaching out to now, and I’m super excited to share with you some of the things I was cooking up last year…

But I still wasn’t able to do enough and I’m still really struggling and it’s still gotten to the point where I need to be honest and say I need help. Realistically I need quite a lot of help if I really wanna stabilise, be able to help mum a bit, and get back on board with the necessities. I might need more work as it goes but really right now in the immediate I need money in the bank. 

On top of all of that… I have a couple of friends from the site that are meant to be coming to see me for my birthday in late February who are flying over from across the Atlantic and while they’re paying for their flights and hotels and stuff, I’m meant to be with them for a week and unless I’m expected to totally rely on them for budget that’d be an expense? I wanna be able to save for that and not feel like a burden or feel like it isn’t possible, as it sounds like an incredible idea that my friends have had and honestly I don’t deserve them as it is, but I want to actually have a good birthday for once too. I’ve had so many shit birthdays! Maybe I’ll blog about that one day, if I’m feeling nostalgic.

So, to recap, higher than usual living expenses which I’m behind on, dental work that I’m gonna need to get done privately that could end up coming to a lot of bloody money (I can’t put it off any longer it’s interrupting every facet of my life), essential needs or things I’d consider to be essential at least, and then on top of that two massive important life events that I’m meant to be saving for, meeting my best friends of the online FimFic world around my birthday, and having my girlfriend come over here and live with me.

I wanna be able to do all of this and I wanna do all of it off my back as much as possible. But the truth of the matter is I can’t do any of it alone right now and I need to be pulled out of the muck. There are so many things I wanna be able to do this year. My return to pony writing, starting new stories and finishing some of my more popular and awaited stories, original fiction and writing a novel, continuing my studies, bringing my partner over here, meeting my friends in person for the first time, and hopefully, assuming lockdown restrictions lessen, with fingers crossed, getting back out into the world and beginning to conquer my anxiety once again, knowing I have people by my side.

There are people with worse lives than me who deserve your money more. I’m sure of it. Knowing that makes me feel incredibly selfish by asking, but if you can spare the money and you can help me through this situation you’ll have my eternal gratitude and you’ll be enabling me towards success. It’s a big goal, but I know that this community is able to do amazing things when they come together. I know that some people may not like blogs like this, and some people may glance at this and not be interested in even getting through it, but I have faith in the care and compassion and solidarity of this community because I’ve seen it time and time again.

I have a Ko-Fi which is linked here with which you can send me a one-time donation that would help me immensely right now. I hate to ask but right now it feels necessary... Thank you a million times if you even consider helping me.

Right now, preferably, I’d ask that you use Ko-fi over Patreon if possible, if only because I’ll see the money sooner and things feel rather urgent currently, but I will be incredibly grateful for either regardless. Either is still more than I could ever hope for from a person and you are still amazing. Hell, if you read this far you’re amazing, and I hope you know that.

Hell, if you end up donating the most, I'll write a commission for you, happily. It's a large goal, definitely in the four figures, but all I can do is try and hope, and understand either way, and not have expectations. I'll appreciate everyone that even looks this way immensely regardless of where I land. Thank you so much for reading.

If you’re unable to donate but still wish to help me out, then sharing this blog post in some capacity or signal boosting it would be immensely helpful and I wouldn’t be able to thank you enough. Even a comment is appreciated, I do read and appreciate every last one of them, and every last one of you, silent or vocal, for being here, for being my readers, and for taking the time out of your day to care about a silly smut writer and his worries.

Okay… I’m just gonna sit here and decompress for a little bit before I post this. With love, apologies, thanks, endless gratitude, and nervous anticipation—

Your humble writer,

An Intricate Disguise

Comments ( 42 )

Hey, it's never easy to write things like this especially following periods of radio silence but I'm gonna release new content over the coming days to make up for it. Wanted to do it after but immediate pain and all the stuff described above kinda led me to immediate action. To all of my fans and followers and everyone who ends up reading this, I hope your New Years was great and that this finds you well. Love to you all.

Couple of post-script things that I thought I’d like to mention that I didn’t really have space to in the main blog content: I’ve had a couple of ideas for original fiction stories that I’d like to pursue this year as well as a story I’d like to write on a non-pony fiction site that I will end up linking here when it’s done! I’m nervous and excited about the idea of branching out to new projects but I hope to keep you guys updated and in the loop and create things that people are happy to read!

I have plans to finish a couple of my major stories over the coming months and that includes restarting Staying Put, I’d very much like to finish off some of my more anticipated and awaited stories that’ve not received updates in a long time because I feel that it’s only fair to my readers and also that I’d feel more satisfied with a sense of completion on those stories even if it is now at some time in the future. Better late than never, I hope?

I’ve recently started gaming less. I’d been playing mainly League of Legends during my lockdown burnout experience and frankly at times it was a little unhealthy the volume at which I was playing and how seriously I was taking the ranked ladder. I’ve slowed down very much now and rarely play at all. I might start looking at finding a more relaxed game or two to play at some point but not right now because I’m currently in work mode and I find that if I have distractions like games I really wanna play I find it quite hard to keep myself away from them when I should be doing other stuff.

I think it’s an ADHD thing. I’m diagnosed but not medicated and I’ve definitely had and found it to be that trying to do some things that just feel like they’re super basic for other people can be really hard for me to be organised and consistent on. So it feels like a big personal victory being more consistent with stuff like writing and making alarms and time to do stuff on top of the stress and physical pain I’ve been dealing with lately and I definitely do very much have my partner to thank for it, who’s been a rock for me and helped to support and enable me and make me feel good about myself where previously I found it very difficult to.

Mum’s been a help too with the tooth stuff going on, did some of the ringing up dentists for me when I was too sore to speak, went and got me different painkillers and gels to help me contend with things when I was essentially bedridden, and her and my little brothers were all patient with me when I was shouting the house down in pain every day for over a week so I’m super grateful for that. 

Sometimes it feels like I’ve got it bad, but there are definitely things I have to be thankful for. I have opportunities, I have goals and things I wanna do, I have people who care about me in my life and I’m so happy to be able to say that. My friends on the site have been amazing to me as well, and to all those who I might’ve spoken to once upon a time, please feel free to reach out if you wanna say hi, I’m more than happy to talk again!

I have my fingers crossed that things will look up this year. It feels like I’m in some kinda Indiana Jones scene where on the other side of the Sweeping Chasm of Death is my destination and goal, but I have no clue how to get across and I’m really just hoping someone can hand me some rope (or a bullwhip). 

I might add a few more rambles to this. I wish I could include this all in the main blog but I felt as if it would take up too much space and detract from the rest, and the main blog was already long as it is. I’m gonna try and update people on things that are going on more though, as even though I can struggle to talk about my life sometimes, I know people prefer to be in the know about what’s going on with me.

Thanks very much for reading, and for reading this, and for anything you might choose to do in response to this. So much love to all of you.

Hope you're doing okay Intricate :heart:

Somewhere between shit and okay. I'm not doing shit in the sense of like, feeling really depressed and lethargic!

Just in a lot of pain and money stress and things of that ilk. So an improvement from last year at least. Appreciate the concern, is lovely of you to say so.

I'm sorry things have been so bad for you. But hey you've made it this far you can get through his too.

dude tooth pain is the absolute worst! I had a tooth that was, like, slightly too long so it hit my bottom teeth when I closed my jaw (not by a lot, I'm talking like a millimeter) and the pain from that was borderline debilitating. What you've got sounds even worse; definitely get that shit sorted ASAP!

Money is ultimativly a pain to gain this days. My sister lost her Company because raw material price made the end product to expensiv. Can't imagen to fire 9/10 of my staff because we expext 1 year or Corona only to be in the third...

Dude. Teeth problems are never fun.

Great to see you're posting stuff again, don't forget to take care of yourself 👍

As an avid reader of your wonderful stories. I want to say I fully understand what you are going through. Glad to see you crawl back from the brink as it were. Believe me when I say this. If I was not in a similar position of barely scraping by I would happily gift you the funds needed. Not for a Comm but as a gift. Your stories have been a light in the dark for me at times. I understand the depression as well as the illness. Currently writing this on my phone while in hospital due to recovering from a double whammy of Covid, Yeah unlucky me caught both Delta and Omicron at the same time. I hate the issues that you have had to deal with from the fight at Christmas as well as the lockdown and the teeth issues. I hope that they get sorted quickly for your own health and sanity.

Best wishes and much love;
Naga Shark

I understand completely with you on the stress, and the pandemic is not helping. Here in Sweden, they released a lot more rules related to the virus, so traveling with buss and train has become extremely difficult, since I'm studying in University in another city.

There are online classes, but weeks without social interaction will have an effect on a persons mental health after awhile. The increase in prices is also ridiculous. Last week, my family found out that the electricity bill had tripled, TRIPLED!
Dental stuff sucks, I was suppose to get ridd of my braces early december, but I had to move it to february because of an important lecture that I could not miss. I might also need to go to an ear doctor, because my hearing in my left ear is getting worse.

Sorry for starting to ramble myself here, but I wanted to let you know that you aren't alone with the struggles of life. Don't push yourself to do stuff that you really don't want to. However, don't be afraid to give yourself a little push. I had trouble sleeping for a long time, until I decided to stop drinking coffee and started drinking tea instead. Take a shot and do something outside your norm, something simple like I just mentioned. It's oddly refreshing despite how small of a change it is. When you get into this type of depression, doing something new no matter how small, can bring a new light to your life.

A lot of sadness and pain, but at least things are going better for you. Hope they continue to get better.

This was a story in of itself!

Good god I wish I could donate. I've got over 1300 bucks in CASH right now that I WISH I could turn 100 of into digital money to donate. This was just... wow. I don't have the words. I just want to give you 100 bucks.

When this all blows over or up, beers on me, brother.

Can't imagine the physical and mental pain you've gone through bud. All I can do is give you a giant hug and be glad to see you here again! :heart:

Intricate! It's been ages. I thought I'd seen the last of you ages ago! Good to have you back, man.

...fuck me I should start writing again. Kinda lost my drive after my job whooped my ass hard in september.

I know that absess pain. It got so bad I couldn't sleep and when it came time for removal couldn't be numbed so I got to experience having a tooth ripped out of my skull sans painkillers.

Sounds like a rough time. I've faith it'll get better, so have some of mine.

And from the sounds of it, you're living up to the idea that artists capture the most beautiful moments in life from the deepest depths of hell. I think you'll make some grand fucking art from all your hell.

Keep taking care. The crowd will be here. Because we're all here for you.

not, like, physically present, but in being here for the idea of you.

you get the point

Apologies ahead of time for the double post, but I scrolled directly to the bottom of the page after finishing the blog to type the response from the brain canal before I forgot to type it entirely.

Saw the references in the comment linked to a relaxing game: Project Zomboid might be right up your alley. Recently received a large game overhaul for multiplayer, which could allow you and your partner from across the pond to have a good time. Mod support included. On steam.

In another direction, the Darkest Dungeon games are chock-full of opportunity to chill out and admire the art if you don't let yourself get too attached to any one character, and enjoy some rogue-like elements in your games. DD2 is available for early-access purchase on Epic Games store if you're familiar or interested. Mod support included. On steam/Epic games.

Another game that you might like to explore is For The King, another roguelike that plays more like a dumbed-down DnD. Max three players to a party, might be another game to check out to play with a friend or two. On steam.

Well that's no fun; I can't help much with most of that, but sucking on clove or szechuan peppercorn will dull the tooth pain at least, and maybe kill off any offending bacteria, along with a daily mouthwash regimen.

Honestly, it's just great hearing from you. I get that stress and anxiety along with personal matters can hamper the creative process so please don't feel as though you have to get back to writing to please your fans. I'd rather you write because of enjoyment rather than pressure. Anyway, I hope things get better and that it's good there are positive developments in your life. Good luck and feel better soon. :heart:

have to admit i haven't read the whole post, and skipped a bit, but in the end... i hope things work out, dropped a coffee

I donated a few dollars. Kinda hurting for money myself, but I feel for you. It's rough these days.

Don't worry man or girl I can't say I understand what your going through but know that a bunch of people support you and don't mind it if you take some more time to figure out some stuff and put yourself back together.

Ouch. Had some dental issues recently, myself. You have my fullest sympathies there.

All the best, man :heart:

Do you take other methods of donation? Paypal is screwing me.

Welcome back. Good to hear you're still around.

I've sent some support your way, best of luck to you, lad.

Really appreciate the kind words, thank you very much!

It is SO nasty and people who haven't experienced it seem to think it's not that big of a deal typically? I don't mean to speak for everyone, of course, but I've definitely encountered a few people who just don't really equate tooth pain to being anything serious and yeah I really wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy (I mean I don't think I have a worst enemy I'm not James Bond enough for that but)—

Thanks for the comment, gonna try and get it sorted as soon as possible.


Sounds absolutely horrible, man, to go from being in a position like that to what you just described sounds kinda heartbreaking. It makes me feel bad to have to ask for anything when I know other people are also experiencing hardships and some of them are probably going through way worse than me. I hope that things start to look up for you and your sister in due course, you deserve the best! Much love.


They're not at all. Appreciate your comment, man, always nice to see you kicking around!

And you, too! Thank you very much for the kind words and for what you did! I'll have to remember to take a look at the plug request, feel free to DM me about it if I do forget! Trying to keep on top of everything as best I can xd

Well this was an absolutely wonderful message to read. Knowing that people like you exist is a big part of the reason why I write and continue to write! I have plans to expand more into original fiction this year but the existence of avid enjoyers of my work like you and kind souls like you in this community are the reason that I'll always try to produce content that this website enjoys, even if I ended up working full time elsewhere, even if I had something majorly take off by a stroke of luck on another site, I'd always come back here as much as I was able. Thank you very much, so much appreciation to you for your kind words.

Sounds like a royal pain in the ass regarding the travel, and then as for the utility stuff, it's crazy here too! Projected energy price increases of 50% over the course of 2022 as I recall, and then on top of that benefit reforms are being pushed with our 'left-wing' party abstaining on voting on the cuts in droves! Country and the world at large is fucking crazy right now, if you'll excuse me saying so. It's all rather scary and I'm glad that at least in one pocket of the internet we're all here for one another in some regard. I hope your situation improves, and that 2022 is good to you!

You know, we take the good with the bad, and the good's been pretty good. If it wasn't for the bad, this blog would've been a three-thousand word rant about how great my friends have been to me this year, as well as my wonderful partner. I am so lucky to have that. A lot of people don't have as excellent people in their lives and I'm eternally grateful for that. Add to that a wonderful fanbase! I've seen your comments on so many of my stories, nice to see another one here today! <3


You are honestly fine, I absolutely appreciate you expressing desire but if it's out of your control there's no need to feel bad about it whatsoever, I just really appreciate the sentiment, dude. You're awesome!

Can't drink beer right now. Antibiotics.

BUT SERIOUSLY, cheers man, nice of you to say, very appreciated.


It almost feels hard to classify it as such when you're riding a high, but then when you feel the pain coming back again it's scary. Like waking from a dream and finding yourself in a nightmare. That sounds dramatic but THIS REALLY HURTS SOMETIMES OW—

But I think I can definitely make it! Mainly because I have such wonderful people around me, like the person I'm replying to this second! Wishing you a great new year, dude.

It's been ages indeed! Nice to see that you're still around, nicer still to see you still remember me!

For what it's worth I hope you do restart the writing, I remember your stories giving me a good laugh at least once! Get to it at some point if you can, buddy, but no pressure! Good to see you.

Thanks :pinkiesad2: Best of success to you as well.

:twilightsmile: We got your back bud!

Sorry to hear about your situation. Tooth pain sucks hella hard. I had some issues last year with two of mine and just had the dentist pull them instead of dealing with a root canal. Hope things get better for you. I'd donate some money, but my finances aren't doing so well thanks to that damn covid virus.

Don't know if you'll see this, but I'll shoot my shot.

Just always remember.

"The world is mad, so we must laugh at it, lest fall we fall further into the madness ourselves."

You aren't alone.
The world is fucked and is basically crushing people. And it's not okay.
From personal experience i know its hard to talk to people while being in such mental state.

Signal boosted, and good luck!

Signal boosted! Good luck, ID!

Slipped you a lil something. Hope things get better for you, bro.


Chipped in and boosted, I hope it helps.

Makes me wonder if it would be cheaper for you to book a flight to Poland and find a dentist here? Even with the price of a hotel and two-way ticket, it would probably cost you half of what you'll pay in the UK to get the tooth fixed.

I know it's a long shot, but... it's a thought :unsuresweetie:

Spent a good while reading over every single word of it, and genuinely touched.

I was the victim of such vile illness once, so at least I can understand your physical pain...

Best wishes for you and hope everything will be fine... These hollow words are all I can do for now. I'll try to check out your Patreon and KO-Fi. I have no experience using them given the fact I'm in China and Alipay, Wechat is the mainstream of my payment method. And I'm not sure if the currency will transact successfuly...

Well, I'll check that out, knowing your position really strike me... Knowing there's people going through hell but still struggle to fight. Again, best wishes for you and you have my admiration.:pinkiesad2:

Sent you some shekels. Hope you return to your normal self. Keep us updated!

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