novis initiis et in vita nova capitula · 8:19am Dec 31st, 2021
First off, apologies for the delays in updates. My MMO of choice was having two weeks of double XP, and I wanted to take advantage of it to get my other 6 characters to max level. Now that that incredible amount of tedium is behind me, I'll be going back to 1-2 hours a week. Yay. Back to writing and updating.
So longtime followers of my blog know that I've been going through a separation and divorce for the past thirteen months, and hopefully it's in the final stretch here. It has sadly made me realize that I have never truly understood what hatred is until now. The last two years of our marriage had been suffocating, as he drowned himself in the negativity of news on the internet, actively looking for things to be outraged and offended by. He took my desire to stay away from such things as indifference and introverted bitterness.
But I'm coming to realize more and more that now, I am free.
It has been over a year since I've had to put on headphones to block out gun club Zoom meetings. Over a year since I've been forced to listen to politically charged trash music when I went absolutely anywhere with him. I'm free from being guilt-tripped by ranting and raving after watching any WW2 film or documentary.
One way I am not free is financially. I am not financially independent, and I'm unsure if I ever will be if I remain single. Though I am terrified of being alone, I would rather die alone than risk going through this hell again. I have had to occasionally and continually push back half a nihilistic deathwish for a year now.
I am incredibly grateful for the IRL friends I have been able to lean on and spend time with since he left without saying goodbye. I am ready to admit that I have never felt hate for another person like this, and after a year, I'm still not sure when I'll be over it, nor am I confident when I'll be ready and willing to open my heart to another person romantically.
I am also very thankful for all of you. You have continually provided sparks that ignite the fires of my creativity. Crafting these pony tales has been such an incredible escape, and the fact that all of you enjoy them means the absolute world to me.
So here is to new beginnings. Tomorrow is a new day, and a new year. I turn 34 in a week.
Liber sum.
You’re gay?
Huh. Didn't realize you were older than me. Happy early birthday!
Glad to hear you're coming down the home stretch. Hopefully things'll be much easier on the mental front after that. In the meantime, you know where to find me if you need a chat.
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To be fair I had no clue either... but I also don't care (wow that sounds less polite than in my head)
As for the relationship after divorce divorce, don't rush it. If you find someone you find someone, if you don't then you don't. It's been 10 years since I got out of my 9 year relationship and I've only been feeling like I want to get back into one in the last year or 2... and mine was a drama free breakup.
That being said, congrats at getting out of a toxic relationship. I know it's not easy sometimes, especially when you're looking down the barrel of having to rebuild your life. It gets easier and you already have friends and a community behind you to help you as best they can.
It's not easy but once you get your feet under you again you'll be stronger for it.
(I'm turning 36 in a couple months so I can kind of relate if you need someone to talk to)
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This is the funniest first post I could have imagined after reading this.
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It may not sound the most polite, but honestly that makes the most sense to me personally.
If you're not looking to get into bed with me, why should someone care?
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I had a little joke that I said for years, "I love the gay community, it means less attractive men to compete against for women."
Unfortunately the gay community loves me too and a friend of a friend calls me "tragically straight." Which lets face it is very flattering.