Short Hand: The Pound · 1:27am Dec 2nd, 2021
Shepherd is taking in the sights of Manehattan, looking around the park. He buys a hotdogs, tries it... And then begins choking as his face turns red..
Shepherd: "HRUKK! HACK! HARGLE!"
He bursts out of the bushes in front of some well to do mares, trying to ask for help.
Shepherd: "HRRRAAAGGHKKK!!!"
Mares: "EEEEEK!"
The mares run away. Shepherd tries giving himself the Heimlich maneuver, and spits up the hotdog. His face and throat are still swollen, but he can breathe. When he looks up, he is surrounded by ponies with badges.
Lead Pony: "All right big fella, don't freak out..." *He holds out a net* "Let's get to the wagon..."
Shepherd: "W-Wait-!"
He holds up his hands... And a unicorn immediately blasts him with a low level lightning spell.
Shepherd: "GWWAAAHHH!"
He is out like a light... And wakes up in a cage. He groans, and rubs his head.
Shepherd: "What... The hell...?"
A pony with a net cutie mark smiles at him from outside his cage.
Pony: "Don't worry, you're safe now. When will these rich ponies learn not to let their pets eat foods they're allergic to?"
Shepherd: "Uh. I'm not a pet."
Pony: "Wow! You can talk!" *beams, holds out a cracker* "Good job! Would you like a snack?"
Shepherd: "Would you like to get your teeth kicked in?!"
Pony: "Wow, rude!"
The pony then puts on a thoughtful face as she examines Shepherd's gritting teeth.
Pony: "Oh, I see!" Rummages through her flankbags "Would you like ... this?" Shows a bag of dry dog food
Shepherd, offended by both the pony and the offering rises up from the cage and waves his arms in exasperation.
Shepherd: "I am not an animal, you silly pone!"
Pony: "I see ... " Rummages through the bag again ... and gets a banana.
Shepherd: "Oh now you're just messing with me! Goddamnit you nutjob, I am a citizen of Equestria! I am a fucking KNIGHT!"
Pony: "Pfft, sure. An ape being made a knight. That'll be the day."
Shepherd: "You... Just live in your own little world, don't you?"
Pony: "Well, if you're actually a knight, wouldn't somepony with authority have come to pick you up? Nopony has responded to the bulletin we put up."
Shepherd: "If I am just an animal then... HOW CAN I UNDERSTAND YOU?!"
Pony: 'You're just very well trained! Like a parrot!"
Meanwhile, at the police station...
Twilight: "Look, you literally cannot miss him! He resembles a-a shaved, hornless minotaur! Brown hair, green eyes-!"
Dash holds up an action figure of Shepherd.
Dash: "This guy."
Officer Blues: "Huh! You mean the Lone Human?! Wow! He's here?"
Rarity: "Why on Equus do you have an action figure of him?"
Dash: *blush, glare* "None of your business!"
Rarity: *smirk* "Oh~?"
Applejack: "Ain't we supposed to wait 24 hours before filing a missing Pony report?"
Twilight: "Actually that's a misconception. You can file a missing Pony report at any time the Pony is missing." She scans the board "Well he's not in custody! Where could he be?"
Pinkie: "Oh hey! The pound has a six hoof tall ape! Answers to 'Shepherd'! Do you think that's our Shepherd?"
Fluttershy: "TO THE POUND!"
Meanwhile, at the pound's veterinary exam room... Shepherd is bound to a table and struggles as the mare approaches with a scalpel and a smile.
Shepherd: "Okay... What the fuck is this?!"
Pony: "Well, Manehattan ordinance 327 states that all strays shall be spayed or neutered to prevent overpopulation-"
Shepherd: "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HELLLLLLPPPPP!!!"
Pony: "Now now, stop struggling! This is for your own good-!"
Shepherd: "LIKE HELL IT IS YOU PSYCHO!!!"
- - -
The Mane 6 entered the Manehattan Pound, which fortunately was next door to the police station.
Applejack: "Nopony at the front desk..."
Pinkie Pie twitched and gasped.
Twilight: "Pinkie! What is it?!"
Pinkie: "A BALL EMERGENCY!"
Dash: "A ball emergency?"
Shepherd: "HELLLLLPPPPPP!!!"
Fluttershy literally broke the door down to the backrooms and charged on in, the rest of her friends galloping after. Fluttershy busted down the door to the operating room, where Shepherd was trying to keep a deranged looking unicorn mare with scissors away with a chair.
Twilight: "SHEPHERD?!"
Pony: "Oh my! Are you his owners? Good! You saw the flyer!"
Dash: "What is she-?!"
Shepherd: "SHE'S TRYING TO CASTRATE ME!!!"
Mane 6: "WHAT?!"
Pony: "What? No! Castration? How silly! I just want to neuter him!"
The deranged Pony is faced with six furious mares, one an alicorn, all projecting the most horrific killing intent imaginable.
Pony: "Um... Or I could try the chemical method-?"
Dash: "GET HER!"
As most of the Mane 6 deal with the deranged vet, Shepherd is freed by Fluttershy. He hugs her tightly.
Shepherd: "Oh thank you thank you thank you she was INSANE."
Fluttershy: "I'm so sorry this happened, Shepherd! Are you all right?"
Shepherd: "Y-Yeah... She just got my pants and underwear off. Uh, can I have those back now?"
Fluttershy stares and blushes, then pulls Shepherd in for a tight hug: "There there, Shepherd. You're safe now. I'll... I mean, WE'LL, all make sure that no other ponies touch you there."
Shepherd, desperately thinking about baseball: "Th-, thanks Fluttershy. I really appreciate that. I'd also appreciate my pants. It's uh... very cold in here. Yes, cold! So cold."
- - -
Princess Luna and the Mayor of Manehattan meet the Mane 6 and Shepherd in the Mayor's office.
Mayor: "Once again, Ser Shepherd, I am deeply sorry for this entire incident! That vet was the daughter of a councilstallion. I had heard rumors but to learn she was that deranged-!"
Shepherd: "Look, just start vetting your vets more thoroughly, all right? Seriously, political nepotism is a plague on both our worlds."
Mayor: "Y-Yes. Of course!"
Luna slams a hoof down on the mayor's desk, breaking it.
Luna: "We assure you, the Crown will be conducting a VERY thorough review of all your hiring practices and appointments. You will turn over ALL documentation. NOW."
Mayor: "Y-YES YOUR MAJESTY!"
Shepherd: "Phew... Thanks girls. I owe you all."
Twilight: "Friends don't hold debts!"
Dash: "Well, it depends on how you define 'debt'..."
Fluttershy: "You don't have to but um... I mean, if you really want to..."
Luna: "FURTHERMORE! Mayor, Elements, Ser Shepherd! We shall have it be proclaimed throughout Our holdings that Shepherd's Stallionhood is a national asset! And all who seek it harm are enemies of Equestria!"
Shepherd: "... Please don't."
Pinkie: "What? Makes sense to me!"
Fucking hilarious
Dammit... We need to be able to favorite and like blog posts.
Oooh she be a dead pony now no one touch they man
The Shepherd's genitals are forevermore an Equestria National Treasure that shall ALWAYS be worshiped by Luna & the Mane 6!
Luna: "Hear ye! Hear ye! Ser Shepherd's testicles shall forever be known as the Crown's Jewels!"
Shepherd: *head in hands* "Oh, god."
There's going to be a new denomination of bit that will have the likeness of Shepard's balls on it. There might even be commissioned artworks in museums and public parks of his gnardle-danglers.
Ahem.
I've Seen This Animé!
(Red Data Girl, if you're curious.)
This vet isn't the brightest bulb, apparently. But she has a scalpel, so that makes her a threat.
I say bend her over a desk and show her some...ahem..."animal love" if you take my meaning...
Nothing breaks through willful delusion quite like a furious alicorn.
Pinkie: "A BALL EMERGENCY!"
That got a chuckle out of me.
5613208
I read that scene as her delusion left completely intact, requiring them to beat her unconscious in order to save Shepard.
Much, much, much, much, much better than that stupid dentist chapter from the original.