Hi (and Bye)

AKA, a long and confusing ramble about where I've been all this time and where I am now :b

So....I hadn't logged in to this site in....months, I think? I mean, even my profile pic still has the Christmas hat and it's already October again.
Thing is, I think I'm going to... *not* be here anymore. Not that anyone cares but...I just think I'd bring this to closure.
...
is that how you say it?

My little bio next to my profile pic says something along the lines of "Someday I'll write a great story and in the meantime, I'll read them", and I think since I first put that up in....2015? 2016? I've come a long way and have done my own fair share of good stories. Fanfiction, that is.
(Great fanfiction? I wouldn't be so sure, but that's up to the reader, not to me :b)

A lot of things happened last year and this one: I got into college (on two actually!), I dropped out of college, I went in back again, I'm thinking of dropping out once more, I feel terrible about myself, I lost some relatives recently, I found out some things about myself and my identity I always doubted but never got to reflect upon, I discovered social studies were not the thing for me, and also that I am very very very *very* uncultured. I remember being mocked in middle school for knowing nothing about pop culture, and now I'm being mocked in college for knowing nothing about "cultured" culture. I know nothing I guess. As I'm writing this blog, I'm trying to put my two not-knowledges together and do a paper on MCR music and philosophy, but it's hard...

Somehow, I realized I hated myself. I'm still working around that issue, trying to get into therapy, all of that. It's kind of hard not recognizing yourself anymore, or realizing you actually never knew yourself...It's hard for me to refer to myself, I can't find the right words or the right letters or the right expressions... It's just hard.

But if anything good came from this year (and yeah, this year specifically) was writing. I think it was for an icon raffle or something like that, but I started working on small drabbles for some other fandoms, doing my own content for my creative writing class (which is pretty bad, I have to admit :b), and just....writing. Bothering my friends on the group chat with my analysis and self-reflection and everything. But just writing and writing and writing, and typing and typing and typing. I always joke around about how things would be easier if I only wrote as much for my college work. I can't bring myself to do that :b

Yeah, maybe that's another signal for me to drop out. Definitely not enjoying writing academic stuff.

But fiction? Non-academic writing? Fanfiction? I love writing those! It's what's been holding me together for the past year, it's what makes me happy. Am I good at it? Am I doing "cultured" work? Well....Does it really matter? It makes me feel alive, it makes me feel safe, and I'm sorry if that's not enough for anyone else or if no one cares, but it's enough for me.
Yesterday one friend told me he was making a drawing out of some fic I wrote and I cried out of happiness, I kid you not. It just...idk, it made me cry, I felt important and cried for about ten minutes as I heard my teacher on the online class go on about how life didn't make sense.
Whatever, life made sense for me at that small moment, and that was enough. It's writing what makes me still be alive here and now. I'm not sure if I can live out of that or if it's ever going to bring meaning to a meaningless life (teacher's words, not mine), but at least it's something that keeps me breathing, and for now? with everything that's been going on? that's more than enough for me.

You know, I've had some drafts on this site dating back to 2015, but it's been six years and I haven't brought myself to finish them, it just doesn't happen... I don't feel motivated to do so. And that brings me to something one teacher (who's been really mean to me the whole semester, but that's not the point) told the class yesterday: An artist can only create when they feel the need to do so.
And then he went on about films and traditional art, but as with everything I get from his class, I just took the part that mattered to me and adjusted it to my standards: An artist only creates when they feel the need to do so.

I've always thought art isn't only in the traditional way, but also on the independent works, on the so-called "minor arts", and, of course, in fanwork: fan art, fan fiction, fan edits, cosplay... All of them are works of art. I mean... it's on the name and everything.
And so, I can also consider that a writer, a fan fiction writer, can only write if they feel the need to do so.

And, to be honest, I no longer feel the need to write.

Listen, I'm not satisfied with my published work, at least on this site, but I also don't feel motivated to write anything else...Maybe one of my drafts will see the light of day one of these days, just so it doesn't stay there laying around and stuff, but I can't promise to continue it, nor to write again. I'm no longer in touch with the fandom, haven't been since... January 2020 I think? Since then I've been jumping around different cartoon and music fandoms, slowly getting out of touch and preparing myself to be a "serious and responsible young adult in college" (which is not going great AT ALL, so might as well not try to live to that standard anymore and just go back to internet culture). And, well, I have written for some of them, have done drafts for some others... all of that.

And...well... I'm no longer here, no longer interested in ponies (Although G5 looks interesting so I might take a look at it...), no longer in touch with the fandom for a million reasons... No longer in the need of creating. For now, I guess I'll just be reading things out of my read for later folder until I run out of those :b

So... yeah. I guess this is goodbye. This was a WONDERFUL eight years journey in the fandom. MLP: FiM practically raised me into the person I am today, and the fandom itself helped me discover a bunch of media I am now a fan of, and I'll forever be grateful for that. So, if anyone ever bothered to read one of these...goodbye!

I might come back if G5 manages to convince me to write something else...or maybe not, I'll probably just post on AO3 of something :b

One day, I'll write a great story on my own. In the meantime, I'll keep on trying, and I'll keep on reading them. :)