Why won't I get help...? (Creativity is the Greatest Rebellion) · 4:39am Oct 8th, 2021
It's very simple...
First of all... What is the problem...
I get so angry and furious at Cartoons/Movies/Video Games, for not going the way I hoped... I can't sleep well at night.
Didn't even Start with Teen Titans...
Didn't even Start with Digimon 02 either...
...It started with THE LEGEND OF ZELDA OCARINA OF TIME.
I've been this way since I was 13-14... so I've been this way for pretty much... oooohh... uuuummmmmm... Well over 20 years, and even before then I was already angry and upset (These failed shipping or cartoons I hate just fan the ALREADY existing flames)
I'm too angry to sleep. I can't seem to shut my mind off because it's overflowing with outrage at what I just saw, and ideas upon ideas for alternate endings or continuations.
You can't sleep when your mind is full.
Sometimes I even get hot and sweaty. (That's what happens when you get overly enraged) That makes it even harder to sleep (All hot and sticky and itchy.)
Taking sleep-pills doesn't always work. I've experimented with this in the past. Once, I was suffering from a huge insomnia attack, even after I took a sleep-pill... I was more wide-awake than ever. I didn't fall asleep until 5:30 am. (It can be that bad) but it is what it is.
The cartoons aren't the only thing... like most people, I too get haunted by bad memories from my past. Things I've done that I regret, things I didn't do but wish I had and I regret, oh and especially being abused.
Those memories, and the cartoons... I'm always thinking about them. Not just when I sleep, they strike any time in any place, I find myself suddenly going "SSSSSSSSS... Ohhhh" silently while cringing and groaning to myself "Get out of my head! Get out of my head!"
Then it's gone until the next time.
-They happen when I try to sleep...
-They happen when I go for my walks...
-They happen while I eat...
-Even at Disneyland, there were moments I was thinking about them.
...They just happen, like someone suddenly turning on a light switch.
They come...
They run their course...
They Leave...
on, and on, and on... in a never-ending cycle, and that's what it is.
Memories can't just simply vanish, no matter how much you want them to. Even if it feels like you forgot them, they haven't really vanished, they're just temporarily sealed... they CAN/WILL break out again.
This is why I write fanfiction, make fanart, and videos...
"CREATIVITY IS THE GREATEST REBELLION" --Greg Cipes
What that means is exactly what I've been doing...
Instead of beating up real people, or breaking things and stuff like that... Channel all your hate and anger into works of art.
Ahhhhhh... that's better.
Just like Drinking, drugs, pill popping... it won't cure you, but just temporarily relieve the pain before you feel you have to do it again.
But UNLIKE Drinking, drugs, pill popping... it's far less destructive. No one really gets hurt and things don't get broken. (It's a much better substitute)
It works for me...
...I feel a bit better, and I can actually SLEEP better.
It's like taking medicine when sick. Or taking a puff for an Asthma attack.
It works just fine.
So why don't I get PROFESSIONAL HELP, which you people CONSTANTLY nag me for...?
Firstly...
The trick is... I've got to WANT help...WHICH I DON'T.
Even if there is a permanent cure for someone like me (Which I don't think there is) I don't think I SHOULD be cured even I CAN BE.
I like all this fiction stuff I do-- taking my anger out on cartoons. I don't want to be told to cut it out, and I don't want to do it for simple FUN or AMUSEMENT. (All fun and amusing traits in these things are the lowest percentage) Much as I don't like the insomnia, the anger, or the hate... it's still my muse (The Dark Side). Get rid of that... I got next to not much.
*Imagining Beast Boy sitting all alone in a very dark room, with a spiritless expression on his face.
*Imagines someone researching/working tirelessly... rubbing their burning eyes... checking how late it is... but keeps going*
*Imagines a very hopeless character who will never find the joy he/she earns and sheds a tear of woe as he/she surrender to their despair.
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/966465/the-sound-of-music-the-inspiration-of-the-dark-side
*Sighs deeply yet softly* Ahhhh... it is what it is. (My muse)
I don't want a new hobby, and even if I did, it wouldn't help. (I told you... like a light switch... it just happens) Nothing makes me forget about it (Not for very long anyway)
I also don't want to be certain kinds of people...
-I don't want to fall in love (Cartoon Crushes don't count) get married, laid, or have kids (Not even if I could take care of them) I want to die an unmarried, undated, virgin. (To prove to people you don't really NEED all those things to be alive and live) I decided that, long, looooooooooong, ago when I was 5 and I've stuck to it ever since (Long before I ever cared much about cartoons and stuff)
-I also don't want certain things to make me happy or proud, like getting a job I don't want, or doing something I hate.
Which is another reason why I use my fiction, to keep things I don't like or want out of my life. It helps me reinforce my strength and resolve to NOT CAVE IN.
So if the doc suggests all these "ALTERNATIVE" ideals... I won't do them, be it out of dislike for them, or they are just ineffective and don't help, and if I have to give up my stuff for stuff I hate... I'll just do nothing at all.
It'd all just be a waste of time and money.
So, I don't want that kind of help... and the way I stand, I pretty much don't need it. I'm fine just the way I am. I have my OWN way of dealing with this, and I have better control than you people think/claim I do.
I'm not some conspiring serial killer, nor am I some wild animal about to break out of his cage, and I'm not going to ever be convicted or locked up for it either. No matter how much you say...
"It is you who belongs in a cell now"
"Any self-respecting judge will throw you in a mental institution for your asinine behavior."
What I'm doing is neither crazy nor dangerous or violent. You have no case against me.
...And that's the reality of it. Stop deluding yourself into thinking it's otherwise.
I'm just fine the way I am, doing my fics and stuff, and I'm not leaving this site no matter how much you want it.
writing- the pill Morpheus didn't mention
i myself have several things from cartoons that i wish could be rewritten, i outgrew it, but thoughts of it still come back. some of the more prevalent ones are
-Sanjay and Craig:traffical island
-bart vs thanksgiving
-a charlie brown thanksgiving
-mlps "a canterlot wedding" and "the movie"
rereading the apology fics made of mlp helps me out with that little issue.
and as they say, the pen is mightier than the sword