Depression/Anxiety Piece · 6:34pm Oct 4th, 2021
Warning, I get a little emotional here. Kind of, yeah, a vent piece, some of which I might incorporate into my next stories, but, I’m in a mood, and not sure what better/else to do (that I feel like it)
So I think to myself; am I maybe a bit selfish? Am I being the one who’s unreasonable and closed just because I can’t adequately explain to him how a gender spectrum works, and how illogical it is for me to be non-binary? I could say for the past two months this has been the case when my dad found out I was NB long before I was comfortable with anybody irl knowing, least of all him. Could explain that’s why I can’t remember to pay my bills, track my finances, keep my house and myself sanitary, or exercise every day. Could even blame it on why so many of my projects never seem to get done, or why I don’t seem capable in his eyes on living on my own. Then again, it’’s seemed to be that way long before that. Maybe once I got into the brony fandom like my dad wants me to believe when he found out, maybe even before then when he found out I was autistic.
Well maybe I am being a little selfish, dad, but, nothing you’ve done since then had been right. When you’ve learned I was autistic, you viewed it/me as a problem for you. Sure you say you still love me, but how can I hope to feel good about myself and who I am when you’re always trying to make me blame all my issues on my autism, and not let me either just admit when I’m wrong or maybe I can just be a bit of a jerk sometimes. But a jerk who can admit when he’s wrong and try to do better and apologize.
You say I’m not very honest with you, but how can I be honest, when I have to think; “if I bring up my friends or pony life, will you say I’m being too obsessive with it?” When I have to believe that maybe if I can fake it I can finally get some home wifi which, can’t say I wouldn’t have used the company I worked at computers, but I would have used them less if I could watch my friends videos when I came home, and I could have then focused on getting better instead of, how long until I get what I want.
And then you brought up how you don’t agree with the T in LGTB+… Even before I allowed myself to ask if I was NB, when you said, “if you’re born with a penis, then you’re a guy. If not…” I felt uncomfortable. More for a friend I had grown very close to that, if we were dating, you would have said she was no good for me, and that if I didn’t want people to call me gay, I should break up with her, you’d likely say ‘him’ because that was her assigned gender at birth, and only thought she was doing so to cheat at sports or stalk my niece in the bathroom instead of seeing her as someone who had to fight through hell to become the beautiful lady in know her to be 🥰
And then, when I found out that, you could be NB, and that I could still be allowed to use he/him as well as they/them, I felt good about myself. It was still slow going, and when I first mentioned such to my friends, they said I didn’t need to make up my mind then and there. I could play around with different pronouns to see what fit. Then on the day I said out loud to my friends; “hey, I’m NB, experimenting with they/them, but perfectly alright if I’m still referred to as he/him,” just about everyone reacted the way I needed them to;
“Cool.” “Good for you.” “Sweet! :) Hey, you see the latest owl house?”
Acceptance, understanding, and most of all, how not a big deal everyone made of the news. Surprisingly the ladder was the best part. 🥰 But at the same time, I knew this was probably something I’d never let slip outside of my virtual life. Honestly, I kind of felt bad for all my queer friends who’s issues are worse than just prefering (not even wanting to in my case) to be called they/them, where, if I could help it, no one would need to know…
Then one day you happened onto my phone. Saw the chat I had with my trans friend I was conforming while she was going through some serious gender dysphoria, that had us previously talking about my NB self-discovering. Although I think you had a lot more to say, I kept the attention on myself and the NB things, to keep her away from you. And then a few days later, in a Walmart parking lot, you first confronted me on my new gender identity. I thought dealing with you as an anti-brony was bad, but this, that! That was an all-time hell for me! You asked me all kinds of questions that, maybe in some other context and if you came in with more an understanding mind, might have been good question on helping me to figure myself out. Instead, you clearly only cared about telling me how ridiculous I sounded for being NB. And no mater how I tried to explain it to you, how much I begged, cried, that I never wanted to be open about this, you simply disregarded me. Eventually, I had enough, seeing I was only going in circles with you, so I tried to leave, and you called me a coward for doing so, and not providing you with good answers that I honestly didn’t have at that time. I’ll be honest, for as much as you complain about me bashing you to my friends, if it wasn’t for them, I’m not sure I would have found the strength to carry on that night…
But it didn’t end there. No, there were many more talks, many more times I tried to make you understand, if not how a gender spectrum made sense, then just how much you were hurting me by not being accepting of me. Hell, I didn’t even need that, I just needed you to not be trying to make me feel stupid about myself. That’s really what’s caused these last couple of months of depression more than anything. And then today, when you surprised me in my home, told me what a mess it was, how bad I was at keeping track of things, and even when I gave you some answers, all you did was tell me how incapable that made me seem to live on my own. How when you said all I was doing by looking sad and hurt was that I was trying to play the ‘pity’ card on you. And maybe I was! Maybe I was so desperate to make you realize how badly you’ve been damaging me I wanted you to see that you’re plan to be more assertive with me is going to, in one way or another, push me away from you. And if only you could be accepting of my hobbies, special interests and even my identity, I would be so much happier! But no… be it that you always had a more conservative mind, or if that was only something you developed over the trump presidency as you bought into the guys cry of ‘fake news!’, or maybe even because of how difficult it seemed to be raising me as an autistic child, you’ve developed a singled minded, black and white mind that would have me believe that I’m the only one doing things wrong. That if I was to date to suggest that you were the one causing me problems, you’d rather I try to find ways to explain my issues that don’t involve you and… and it’s basically lead me to write this instead of doing the chores that you’d probably want me to do, or even the projects I’d rather work on.
For yourself, and anyone reading this, you may ask; why have I put up with this/him for so long then if you/he’s the problem? I guess the short answer is I’m to nice and empathetic, and don’t see things in black and white. As much as I’d like to call my dad full one mentally abusive, I can also see where he’s genuinely concerned, and maybe if my special interest wasn’t more targeted at the opposite sex, then maybe it wouldn’t have caused such issues with him. However, the more and more time goes on, it gets harder for me to justify/excuse you. When you say things like, when I try explaining how gender isn’t binary with a rather good chart, that there’s still only male or female. When you made an example of if we divide people into a group with hair and no hair to demonstrate your point on a binary, and I then add how, that’s fine, but then you could also divided further into different types, lengths, and colors or hair as well, you didn’t seem to care or even consider what I was saying. And when I tried to say that there are, and have been, gender fluid cultures, you, bragging about being a history teacher, said, “Well then how come I never heard of them before?”
… I actually want me to think on some level, you do want me to think critically, and to not simply agree with what anyone tells me. Sadly, you don’t seem to realize that means yourself. For now, dad, I can still justify, and even, if barely barely, excuse them as actions of a concerned parent who loves their ‘son.’ But the fact is, with how things are going, with how you make me feel about what makes me happy, I’m eventually going to have to admit to myself that we/you can’t be helped. And even if there are consequences (both emotional and money-living wise) to sort out, do you really want me to reach that conclusion.
This has been the one AJ ❤️
You're a crazy person. Get medical help. Maybe some anti-psychotics. Idk.
5595754
On top of my head without google, I think they were mostly Native American, Indonesia, and some South American
5593940
That isn't kind of you to say to my friend.
5642311
It’s okay 🫂
5595754
None
5642311
If you were his friend you'd tell him to see a doctor
5596722
So savages? That proves my point ☝️
5643075
Actually I am the crazy one here.
5643076
Calling other cultures savages. You are a great person aren't you? The European settlers were the savages, invading others homes and killing innocent Native Americans.
5643237
Nichole, down! They’re not worth the time of day 😤
Even if I am proud of you 🥰
5643237
Ahh, but the Indians invaded North America first. It originally belonged to ancient Indo-European people.
5643307
*Barks and whimpers.
5643475
Nichole! Not worth it 🫂