Fumarole Call · 4:15pm Aug 24th, 2021
This blog is rated S for Self-Indulgent. There is technically nonzero but exceedingly minimal pony content; it’s card games all the way down.
Thank you for joining me. First, some context: I’ve been a fan of online Canadian comedy troupe LoadingReadyRun since I first came across them riffing on video game opening cutscenes for the Escapist. The hot sauce sketch is still one of my favorite examples of comedic escalation.
Among other things, LRR also produces a lot of Magic: the Gathering content. One of their podcasts, TapTapConcede, has a regular feature where viewers submit and vote on nicknames on every card in the latest set. After all, every card deserves a nickname, even if it doesn’t see enough competitive play to develop one organically. (Naturally, almost from the moment the idea was conceived, suggestions diverged from nicknames to general jokes, riffs, references, and filks.)
The thing is, the current latest set isn’t getting one. Partly because July got away from them, which is fair since Covid has demonstrated that time is an illusion. Partly because, well, the set is one giant D&D reference already. The nicknames would logically follow suit.
But darn it, I had a passel prepped and ready to go since the previews started, and I’m going to use them. Here's the set those who need context. Additional links are provided where necessary, because nothing says humor like having to explain the joke. 
+2 Mace: It certainly is.
Aberrant Mind Sorcerer: That one friend who sends you really weird texts at 2 AM.
Acererak the Archlich: Boss Monster
Adult Gold Dragon: Surprise dragon!
Air-Cult Elemental: Man-o’-Wind
Arborea Pegasus: “Look at my horse; my horse is amazing.”
—Corellon Larethian
Armory Veteran: You should see what he uses for bagels.
Arcane Investigator: d20-tective
Asmodeus the Archfiend: Always read the fine print.
Bag of Holding: The most obligatory reprint in the history of Magic.
Baleful Beholder: Happy Fun Ball
Barbarian Class: (angry, incoherent screaming)
Bard Class: A-listers only
Barrowin of Clan Undurr: Greatest and punniest of all dwarven clans.
Bar the Gate: How dare you? Good day, sir. (Flounces off to next room of the dungeon.)
Battle Cry Goblin: Note: Does not actually have battle cry.
Black Dragon: Really has the exaggerated swagger of a juvenile black dragon.
Blink Dog: Not much, what’s blink with you?
Blue Dragon: Cone of Debuffs (Wait, blue dragon breath is a line!)
Boots of Speed: Turns out shoes work better when you don’t make them out of glass.
Brazen Dwarf: Hot Rocks
Bruenor Battlehammer: Players: Wow, Lorehold was such an innovative look at what red-white can do!
WotC: Yeah, glad that’s over.
Bulette: LANDSHARK!
Bull’s Strength: +4 Strength means +2 damage. That checks out.
Burning Hands: Catch these hands.
Cave of the Frost Dragon: Icewind Dale
Celestial Unicorn: My Little Pridemate: Lifegain is Counters
Chaos Channeler: “Let’s see what happens.”
—Many sorcerers’ last words
Charmed Sleep: No shaking them awake this time.
Check for Traps: Flavor win: Rewards you for exiling Traps.
Choose Your Weapon: Big//Shot
Circle of Dreams Druid: Magus of the Cradle
Circle of the Moon Druid: A bear in every sense.
Clattering Skeleton: Kill everything in this room to advance.
Cleric Class: Assemble the Healbot
Clever Conjurer: Boo this gnome.
Cloister Gargoyle: Definitely a grotesque, unless this dungeon has rainfall.
Compelled Duel: “You’re sure you want to say that to the giant? Okay, roll intiative.”
Contact Other Plane: “Don’t you look at me in that tone of voice.”
Critical Hit: If the creature has Brutal Critical, it gains triple strike until end of turn instead.
Dancing Sword: Mind if I… cut in?
Dawnbringer Cleric: Hang on, I need to prepare my spells
Deadly Dispute: Argue Over Loot
Death-Priest of Myrkul: Undead Bolster
Delina, Wild Mage: Wait, D&D doesn’t have exploding dice.
Delver’s Torch: For those dumb human eyes.
Demilich: Do Not Disturb
Demogorgon’s Clutches: No, not that Demogorgon. Save it for the Secret Lair.
Den of the Bugbear: Gob-land
Devoted Paladin: “I will protect you, which is why I’m swinging this sword at you.”
Devour Intellect: Nihiloor tipped 100 bits: “Show hand.”
Dire Wolf Prowler: And I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll gain haste until end of turn!
Displacer Beast: Danger Noodle Kitty
Divine Smite: GTFO (Gallantry Triumphs; Fiend Obliterated)
Djinni Windseer: Um, actually, “djinni” is the plural.
Dragon’s Disciple: Meanwhile, on Tarkir…
Dragon’s Fire: Hey judge, what if the dragon I reveal doesn’t breathe fire?
Dragon Turtle: Name, creature type, and occupation?
Drider: Elf Spiders: Not just for the Simic anymore!
Drizzt Do’Urden: How to get your OC in Magic, by R. A. Salvatore
Druid Class: First, you draw a circle…
Dueling Rapier: Embercleave Jr.
Dungeon Crawler: Skyrim Draugr
Dungeon Descent: “Let’s go down a level.”
“What? But we just went up a level! I got a feat!”
Dungeon Map: Out of character, the blood is pizza sauce.
Dwarfhold Champion: Sword Seeking Shield
Earth-Cult Elemental: The red enchantment removal at home.
Ebondeath, Dracolich: Chumbawumbic Dragon
Eccentric Apprentice: She turned into a bird, funniest crap I’ve ever seen.
Ellywick Tumblestrum: Tomb of Horrors any% speedrun (no exploits.)
Elturgard Ranger: A half-elf and his dog.
Evolving Wilds: A map the DM hasn’t drawn yet.
Eye of Vecna: Consult your optometrist
Eyes of the Beholder: -1/-1 per eye
Farideh, Devil’s Chosen: Faraday, Electrons’ Chosen
Farideh’s Fireball: This might hurt a lottle.
Fates’ Reversal: Ugh. Someone revive the tank again.
Feign Death: I’m not dead yet!
Feywild Trickster: Young Gamblomancer
Fifty Feet of Rope: Partner with Ten-Foot Pole
Fighter Class: For when you just want to hit stuff.
Find the Path: “We’ve been wandering for three sessions. Just get us to the dungeon already.”
Flameskull: Red Bubble
Flumph: Maybe it’s friendly! Mushy giant friend!
Fly: Propelled by the tears of a thousand DMs.
Forsworn Paladin: “What oath did you pick?”
“Oath of Capitalism.”
Froghemoth: Two Scavenging Oozes in a trenchcoat.
Gelatinous Cube: Faceless Dissolver
Gloom Stalker: The dungeon’s loot is… another pickaxe?
Gnoll Hunter: Snowballing Gnoll
Goblin Javelineer: Once he’d worked out which end of the thing was pointy, he was promoted to one-drop.
Goblin Morningstar: “Well maybe I don’t want to pick up the stick.”
Grand Master of Flowers: If you meet the Platinum Dragon on the road, plus him.
Grazilaxx, Illithid Scholar: Secret squid ninja
Greataxe: He’s dead, Steve. He can’t answer you.
Green Dragon: Touch becomes death
Gretchen Titchwillow: The Thrasios at home.
Grim Bounty: Sell the Parts
Grim Wanderer: Little Timmy’s first edgy character.
Guardian of Faith: “Faerûn can have a little phasing. As a treat.”
—Teferi, probably
Guild Thief: Race need not determine class.
Half-Elf Monk: “Sit. Stay. Good gnoll.”
Hall of Storm Giants: Neptune’s Palace
Hama Pashar, Ruin Seeker: The player who actually listens to the DM describe the area.
Hand of Vecna: Cut off your hand to spite someone else’s face.
Herald of Hadar: Hadar’s gonna hate
Hill Giant Herdgorger: Studies show a diet high in mutton can more than double a hill giant’s power and toughness.
Hired Hexblade: You don’t want to know what he did to get you that card.
Hive of the Eye Tyrant: Art Tutorial: Negative Space
Hoarding Ogre: Big Investor
Hoard Robber: “The Hobbit” isn’t an instruction manual, Greg.
Hobgoblin Bandit Lord: Krenko’s Kneecapper
Hobgoblin Captain: Blade of the Six Power
Hulking Bugbear: You won’t like him when he’s angry. Or in general.
Hunter’s Mark: (The animal companion’s name is Mark.)
Icingdeath, Frost Tyrant: 100% legendary drop rate!
Improvised Weaponry: Bling Bash
Inferno of the Star Mounts: Nuclear Dragon
Ingenious Smith: When Ingenious Smith enters the battlefield, look at the bottom four cards of your library.
Inspiring Bard: Mostly inspires his allies to feed him his own lyre.
Instrument of the Bards: Aether Viol
Intrepid Outlander: You must gather your party before venturing forth!
Iron Golem: Winner of AFR’s “Wait, they haven’t used that name yet?” award.
Iymrith, Desert Doom: Sandcestral Recall
Jaded Sell-Sword: Dragon Warrior, now with pre-order bonus!
Kalain, Reclusive Painter: Because black-red doesn’t have to be murder murder blood blood blood.
Keen-Eared Sentry: Fun Police
Kick in the Door: Who got Munchkin in the D&D set?
Krydle of Baldur’s Gate: Skill Focus (Sleight of Hand, Stealth)
Lair of the Hydra: You get what you pay for.
Leather Armor: Simple but effective.
Lightfoot Rogue: Hamstringer
Loathsome Troll: How people think regeneration works.
Lolth, Spider Queen: The original spider-bitch
Long Rest: AFR’s top Magical Christmas Land effect
Loyal Warhound: McGruff the Justice Dog
Lurking Roper: I’ve dragoned enough dungeons to know where this is going.
Magic Missile: Because they reserved the d4s for the Commander cards.
Manticore: “Yeah, it’s just your garden-variety manticore.”
“What kind of garden do you have?”
Meteor Swarm: Pew Pew!
Mimic: It’s shiny. Too shiny.
Mind Flayer: Sower of Tentacles
Minimus Containment: Form of the Paperweight
Minion of the Mighty: Dragon Bait
Minsc, Beloved Ranger: Go for the eyes, Boo! Go for the eyes! RAAASK!
Monk Class: Combo Builder
Monk of the Open Hand: One-Two Punch
Moon-Blessed Cleric: In the name of the Moon, I will tutor you!
Mordenkainen: How to get your OC in Magic, by Gary Gygax
Mordenkainen’s Polymorph: Screw you, they’re a dragon.
Nadaar, Selfless Paladin: Dungeon Manthem
Neverwinter Dryad: Bauble’s Wayfarer
Ochre Jelly: Half-Ooze: Full Ooze Consequences
Old Gnawbone: That was, in fact, very cash money of you.
Orb of Dragonkind: Dragonball
Orcus, Prince of Undeath: Orcus off his throne.
Oswald Fiddlebender: Pod Person
Owlbear: Cantrip? Worse, can trample!
Paladin Class: Smite Evil, where “Evil” means people you don’t like.
Paladin’s Shield: Wait, paladins can’t cast shield.
Pixie Guide: Krark’s Other Thumbelina
Planar Ally: This is nongood adventurer erasure and I won’t stand for it.
Plate Armor: “If I use the sword as a prybar, it’ll help me get this on faster.”
Plummet: Shouldn’t the ground roil after the tyrant falls?
Plundering Barbarian: Loot for the loot gods!
Portable Hole: Apparently smaller than Sleeping Beauty’s coffin.
Potion of Healing: Cleric in a Can
Power of Persuasion: Charisma Check
Power Word Kill: Destroy target creature with toughness 100 or less.
Precipitous Drop: 1d6 damage per 10 feet.
Price of Loyalty: Curse your sudden yet profitable betrayal!
Priest of Ancient Lore: Ironically breaking new ground for white card draw.
Prosperous Innkeeper: You all meet in his tavern.
Purple Worm: I always meant to cause you plenty sorrow
I always meant to watch you writhe and squirm
I only wanted to one time to see you eaten
I only wanted to see you
Eaten by the purple worm
Rally Maneuver: The source of much Arena confusion in the coming days.
Ranger Class: Because that animal companion’s got to do something.
Ranger’s Hawk: Eagle Vision
Ranger’s Longbow: Medieval Lasik
Ray of Enfeeblement: Name of the spell or name of the caster? You decide!
Ray of Frost: It’s a cantrip, so I guess you’re refreezing the creature every turn.
Reaper’s Talisman: Exalted by Death
Red Dragon: Yup. Sure is.
Rimeshield Frost Giant: Magic card or metal album cover?
Rogue Class: “Sure, you can steal stuff now, but you can’t use it until you’re level 3.”
Rust Monster: Speed Eater
Scaled Herbalist: Ethical Dilemma: Lizardman Edition
Scion of Stygia: Don’t waste AoE spells on single targets.
Secret Door: Secret tunnel! Secret tunnel! Through the dungeon! Secret, secret, secret, secret tunnel!
Sepulcher Ghoul: Fad Diet Zombie
Shambling Ghast: Rich Uncle Fester
Shessra, Death’s Whisper: Let’s you and him die.
Shocking Grasp: The most shocking part is that it doesn’t deal damage.
Shortcut Seeker: That one player who rolls Perception checks every minute.
Silver Raven: Figurine of Acceptable Power
Skeletal Swarming: Harryhausen Assault
Skullport Merchant: Pawn Broker
Sorcerer Class: I am the storm.
Soulknife Spy: Stabber of Secrets
Spare Dagger: “It says I have it on my character sheet!”
Sphere of Annihilation: Portable Black Hole
Spiked Pit Trap: More of a surface-to-air missile launcher
Split the Party: Seriously, don’t.
Spoils of the Hunt: Bob, you just spent 20,000 gp on that bow.
Steadfast Paladin: Holy dwarf, holey orc.
Sudden Insight: Leaden Ratio
Swarming Goblins: Adventuring rule 781: There are always more goblins.
Sylvan Shepherd: My Stand, Land of Unicorns, will defeat you!
Targ Nar, Demon-Fang Gnoll: Targ Nar, Darmon-Farn Gnarl
Tasha’s Hideous Laughter: Schadenfreude
Teleporation Circle: Oh, that’s what the conjurer keeps in his closet.
Temple of the Dragon Queen: Dragon Snarl
The Blackstaff of Waterdeep: Pull the lever, Kronk.
The Book of Exalted Deeds: Bound in Platinum
The Book of Vile Darkness: Build-a-God Workshop
The Deck of Many Things: Don’t you dare.
The Tarrasque: Oh Lord, he comin’.
Thieves’ Tools: No, I totally remembered to buy some last time we were in town.
Tiamat: All five colors before it was cool.
Tiger-Tribe Hunter: If the woman throws tigers for a living, I can believe she’s a 4/4.
Treasure Chest: Loot Table
Treasure Vault: Scrooge McDuck’s money bin
Trelasarra, Moon Dancer: Eilistraee’s Pridemate
Trickster’s Talisman: Double for Nothing
Triumphant Adventurer: Actual murderhobo
True Polymorph: Shenanigans ensue.
Underdark Basilisk: Ironically, Larissa would later be reincarnated as a froghemoth.
Unexpected Windfall: Results not typical. Consult your DM before drawing from the Deck of Many Things.
Valor Singer: Battle-Rattle Tiefling
Vampire Spawn: Bad end
Varis, Silverymoon Ranger: Free puppies? Best dungeon ever!
Veteran Dungeoneer: That one guy who’s been playing since the Red Box.
Volo, Guide to Monsters: Volomon: Gotta clone ‘em all!
Vorpal Sword: The Snicker-Snacker Paddy Whacker
Wandering Troubadour: “Landfall” seems like a better name for an album than a band.
Warlock Class: It’s not a phase, it’s a dip for eldritch blast.
Werewolf Pack Leader: If you’re not Bolas, you don’t get to be the set’s one double-faced card.
Westgate Regent: Bleeding ‘em dry
White Dragon: Oh my god, Karen, you can’t just ask a dragon why they’re white.
Wight: No, it’s black.
Wild Shape: Ah yes, the three genders.
Wish: Play a land to assert dominance.
Wizard Class: So many books, so little time.
Wizard’s Spellbook: “That’s weird. Every page just says ‘Fireball.’”
Xanathar, Guild Kingpin: Sen Singlet
Xorn: That’s his lunch, you monster.
You Come to a River: What do you mean I can’t toss the halfling across?
You Come to the Gnoll Camp: (rolls up newspaper with malicious intent)
You Find a Cursed Idol: It belongs in a museum!
You Find Some Prisoners: Weird how this Isochron Scepter keeps summoning prisoners, but they sure do know a lot.
You Find the Villains’ Lair: Never trust a wizard in a library.
You Happen On a Glade: “Come on, guys, I need that spell slot back!”
You Hear Something on Watch: What do you mean I can’t use Diplomacy?
You Meet in a Tavern: ¿Porque no los dos?
You’re Ambushed on the Road: Fight//Flight
You See a Guard Approach: I attack! Nat 20!
You See a Pair of Gobins: Show me your war face!
Yuan-Ti Fang-Blade: Toxic personality
Yuan-Ti Malison: Exalted Explorer
Zalto, Fire Giant Duke: Gets knocked clear across the room
Zariel, Archduke of Avernus: Local Angel Too Angry For Hair
Zombie Ogre: Well, this got morbid.
And to anyone who made it this far, thank you for humoring me. 
Wow that's a big list.
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It's a big set. After all, they don't make small sets anymore.
Vriska: That's just a fancy way of calling her old, though? Not seeing why I should be insulted.
(For those playing at home, even adding Vriska's in-universe age to Homestuck's start date isn't enough to beat the Queen of the Demonweb Pits)
Good news and bad news in the MtG announcements, apparently. The good news is that Kamigawa will probably let me cut out an entire passage of attempting to explain a gun to someone. The bad news is that the real purpose of that passage was an excuse to mention the island of Caliman.
(Fun Fact: The first link is implying something even crazier than what you think it's implying)
>The Thrasios at home
Me and a buddy have a running joke about U/G legends: "Is he Draw Guy, Counters Guy, Ramp Guy, or Tokens Guy?"
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What's really great about this joke is that the first two "counter guys" were respectively neuter (Experiment Kraj) and female (Prime Speaker Zegana), while the only other U/G legend released by that point could maybe be a "draw guy" if you squint a bit and it didn't take much longer to break the mold entirely. Something clearly went wrong at some point.
(I've spent far too much time researching this comment as it is, but if Kruphix was around by then he's both Ramp and Draw in theory but only removes inherent limits to both those rather than actually ramping or drawing himself)
That's a ton of D&D references.
I got to say I like the "You encounter A Thing!" cards there. Very thematic!
Huh. Been a few years since I caught up with LRR (nothing against them in the least, still enjoy the stuff I remember and go back and watch Unskippable every so often), but I'm sure they'd be happy to hear someone's attempting to keep the spirit of one of their ideas going.
I'm positive there's no need to worry though. I'm sure Everything Is Fine.
Fun stuff, though I'd like to point out that, as gnolls are more hyena- than dog-based, the newspapers are unlikely to be effective. Bones would still be appreciated, though!
who the heck is the guy in the glasses in that video? (the salesman) c.c why is my brain telling me his name is Gavin?
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Close. Graham Stark.
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Why the heck would I recognize him when I've never watched this channel before? c.c What else has he done?
I am upset there wasn't a card that had "How Regeneration actually works."