The Shortest Clopfic Ever · 1:44am May 31st, 2021

I originally submitted this as a story, but it got nuked for reasons that will be obvious once you read it. It has transpired according to my design. Now I can put it as a blog post. All for the sake of preservation, of course. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you a masterpiece.

Chapter 1

“Do me!” Twilight urged.

“No,” Shining Armor refused, and left.

Chapter 2

Okay, so apparently, you need to write a limit of at least a thousand words in order for a story to qualify here. Even when you try and do the bare minimum, it doesn’t work. There’s a lesson to be learned in that.

So, with the actual story out of the way… I suppose I might just goof off. You guys might not want to stick around anyway. The story’s done. It’s over. This whole thing was an elaborate show of comedy designed to screw you over.

How many people will read all the way to the end? You might get a special juicy tidbit if you do, but that really depends. Will it be like Fallout New Vegas, where they said you’d get a reward if you played on the really tough difficulty, but you really got nothing? No, actually. There is a secret here. You need the full context of all my words, though.

And for the people who just go all the way to the end, you’ll miss out on the rest of the information I shall divulge. What good is a lock without a key?

I suppose you might try to take me up on this challenge. Now that I’ve given you a hook. How can you resist?

Still, I bet there are many of you going like, “Why am I still doing this? I came here to coom, not listen to the inane ramblings of a madman.”

Cooming really isn’t what you’re here for. You absolute schmuck. It’s bad enough that you’re doing it at all, but doing it to MLP fanfiction is something even Hannibal Lector would consider disgusting. And that guy ate people.

Really, I’m not certain why we’re here at all. Here on this website, here on this world, here at this particular time. I don’t want to wax philosophical or anything, but I’ve just been going through some stuff. Life’s been kinda tough. There’s so much to do, so much to see, so what’s wrong with taking the backstreets, and so little motivation to do anything. Even writing used to be fun. Now it’s a chore. It’s stressful. I bet you all can relate.

I’ve gone to the park and the lake sometimes. There are a lot of ducks. Did you know you can take them home? The globalists and the elites don’t want you to know this, but you can take the ducks home. I have 458 ducks. You can see them for yourself. Just Google “Duck Swarm” and go to the second picture that shows up. Anyway, everyone really needs a place to go where they can just stop and take a break. Take walks for at least twenty minutes every day. Make an effort to be close to nature. We were meant to be skulking around hunting wooly mammoths. I’m scheduling a massive mammoth-hunting party this Friday. Email me for the juicy deets.

Now, I’ve come upon something in my thoughts by the lake. It’s a wonderful place for disassociating from the world and doing some deep thinking. And it’s this: what is the function of a rubber duck? Arthur Weasley brought it up that one time, and ever since he did, I haven’t got it out of my head. He had a good point. Why do they exist? Some have squeakers in them, but some don’t. Why is that? What’s the point? My brother once bought a ton of those tiny ducks in college and pranked his roommates by putting them everywhere in the apartment. I helped him out, too. I put one in a kid’s gummy vitamins. I wonder if he ever got fooled.

Going back to the function of the ducks. If all they do is squeak, then is it just for us to listen to the funny sound? We can get the funny sound from many different sources. We all need that sweet, sweet dopamine. Do the ducks just happen to be very good at their job? Even if they were, it’s bonkers how King George lusted after a ducky in that once Veggietales episode. They’re good, but not that good.

Even though I said you would get a tidbit of information, that was mostly a gimmick to get you to read to the end. It’ll make more sense if you read the first letter of each paragraph. It isn’t a rickroll, I swear on Big Macs. Anyhoo, I gotta connect this to MLP somehow, or else it’ll be in trouble. Uh, gimme a minute.

Shining Armor blinked in surprise after her sister was done talking. It was a really strange thing, too. It was as if she was possessed. Twily would never talk that way.

“You good?” Twilight asked. She snuggled deeper into her bed.

“Oh. Um, yeah,” Shining Armor admitted. “You just didn’t seem like yourself.”

“Do me,” Twilight ordered.

“And you still don’t,” Shining Armor muttered, and trotted out of her bedroom.

This is just filler to get up to the word limit. Anime does it all the time.

Lemme tell you this, what do you think of when I say “Great Animated Show” A few things might pop up in your mind like Steven Universe or Spongebob, well the greatest animated show of all time, and is probably the greatest show period is MLP. The characters are so deep and the stories span out generations for the past 30 years. The writing is the greatest of all time, never in the past 2,000 years have we had writing as good as this. Every single episode of this show is great, there are no bad episodes, every episode is exceptional! You might think there are other good shows like breaking bad, and if you think that any shows are better than MLP. Your opinion is wrong. I think that every single human being should be turned into a pony and follow the ways of friendship and magic. And get rid of that horrible stuff like “South Park,” MLP is the best show bar none. The fanbase is also amazing, there has never been more artists creating so much great content and art that is the modern Picassos. If you dislike this show, I’m sorry but you are a racist sexist pig, and should be gassed and should be enforced the way of friendship! I will become the world leader and establish enforced friendship and enforced pony bodies. If you do not agree with me, I will have you get sent to the friendship camps that will teach you friendship wether you like it or not! This is more than a show, THIS IS A MOVEMENT! BROHOOF!

I am not sorry.

Comments before it got nuked:

Whirl Hoof: How can a mere mortal possibly compare to such a magnificent deity of writing?
OSHA IS CRINGE

Who you think I am: I read it all...I don't regret it. And as for great animated shows I still have to go with Batman.

FTR2017: *Sniff!* This is quite the work of beauty in the troll arts, I am in awe.
This said, I'll be totally downloading this before it gets inevitably nuked for not containing enough pones.
Injustice, is what I call it. :P