So, I wrote a Self Insert Displaced Self Insert story. · 2:10am May 18th, 2021
That's right, and it's hella illegal to post as a story, so I bring you, through my blog post, 6200 words of pure madness:
This Fic is Illegal to Post
By ROBCakeran53
Content warning: Swearing, and random tag changes (although nothing gets explicit)
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The first thing I sensed upon waking up, was an intense, bright white light.
"Oh, God, my eyes," I muttered, trying to cover them with my hands.
I felt something in my left hand, almost like a switch. I peeked an eye open, and saw it was a small slide switch, with writing on either side. It was currently flipped to:
Light Mode
The other option was:
Dark Mode
Internally shrugging, I took my right hand and slid the switch over.
Instantly, everything darkened around me, which was instant relief on my weary eyes.
I sighed at the ease on my vision.
Then screaming voices started up all around me.
I sat up with a start, looking around at what was all the hubbub.
I appeared to be in the center of a small village, looking almost medieval or bavarian, with thatched roofs and exterior wood cross beams.
I also noticed it was apparently night, although I swore it looked sunny when I was first waking up.
"It must be Nightmare Moon again!" a voice shouted.
Oh, right, screaming voices.
Standing up, I dusted off my jeans, tattered T shirt, and straightened the firm baseball cap upon my head, then walked on worn sneakers towards the sounds of panic.
Stepping out of an alley, I found myself looking upon a familiar sight.
Although, the word familiar felt wrong. Sure, I recognized what I was seeing, but not in a this seems perfectly normal way, but more of a I recognize that this shouldn't be real but I know what it I'm looking at way.
Make any sense? Thought not.
Small, colorful little ponies were running about in mass hysteria. Carts were overturned, produce stomped upon and kicked about. A stallion was hugging a statue in the center of town, kicking away mares who were desperate for something.
Huh… okay then.
I noticed a single pony who's running path was about to go by me, so I held out a hand.
"Excuse me?"
I was ignored.
I tried this a couple of more times, then gave up and made my way towards the fountain, since it was tall, I was tall. I stood in the center, and maybe if I shouted loud enough I'd be heard.
"Hey!" I called out.
One or two noticed me, but that only seemed to prompt more panic and screaming.
I stood on the lip of the fountain.
"HEY! QUIET!"
Still, I was mostly ignored.
Then, I felt that weight in my left hand again, and there was another slide switch.
Allow Comments.
With the option to turn it on and off.
It was currently on.
I shrugged, physically this time, and slid it to off.
Instantly, all the ponies froze, sound stopped, and all was quiet.
Then, one by one, all of their eyes looked over to me, the large colored orbs growing in size from alarm.
I couldn't help but chuckle at some of the silly positions they were in.
Hilarious.
"That's BETTER! Now that I have your attention, I'm going to turn… whatever this is back on, and I want you all to be quiet, civilized, and courteous while I ask some questions, okay?"
They were still frozen in place, but I allowed them a few seconds to think about it.
"Okay? Here we go."
I slid the switch back, and instantly the chaos resumed, however not consciously. It was as if everyone had bogged down, now tripping and catching themselves as they tried to instantly stop what they were physically doing, momentum wise, and remain perfectly still, which ended up with a lot of ponies falling to the ground.
But, the screaming had stopped, and I allowed them to get back to their hooves, or sit comfortably on the ground, as they watched me watch them.
"There, that wasn't so difficult, now was it?"
A few ponies shook their heads.
"So!" I clapped my hands together once, causing some of them to flinch. "First order of business. I know I'm here, but does anyone know why? How? Or… what I am?"
Ponies murmured, looking at each other. Then, a hoof raised in the air on an orange mare.
"Yes, you!" I said, pointing.
"Uh… no?"
"No? To the first question, second, or… all three?"
She gulped. "All three?"
Huh, well that sucks.
"Well, that sucks."
Suddenly, there was a rush of wind, the sound of dozens of hooves upon cobblestone, and I felt the tingle of sharp, pointy objects all pointing at me from below my waist.
Looking down, I was surrounded by guards.
Royal guards, the white and gray ones.
"Oh, hello. You're all looking… shiny, and… mad. At me?"
One of them quirked a brow.
"Be still, Guards. We have arrived."
The spears stopped poking me, but didn't stop pointing at me.
Looking to my right, I saw two big, royal figures.
Figures.
"Figures," one of the guards pouted.
I rolled my eyes.
"So, is this the being that caused our beautiful night to overtake mine sister's glorious day, at one in the afternoon?" Luna asked.
Had I done what with the what now?
Luna, and by extension, Celestia, approached closer, facing me proper.
"What an unusual creature," Princess Luna (of the night) said.
Princess Celestia (of the sun) continued to be quiet, just staring at me.
Then her eyes shifted slightly higher, and they grew in size.
And at last, she spoke.
"Oh no."
I blinked. Luna blinked. The guards tensed, and I felt one spear poke my right glute.
"What? Something on my head?" I asked.
"Your hat," Celestia didn't ask, she stated, like it was a curse upon my head.
I normally wore hats all the time, but internally shrugged at what the problem could be. Slowly, I raised my right arm up, hand taking the brim firmly, and removed it to examine it.
It wasn't my normal, worn out O'Neil black and red plaid hat. Instead, it was all black in color. A stylized logo in blue lettering, two words, surrounded by a white puffy cloud, and a small rainbow.
FIM
Fiction
Then, I spun it around, and along the back band in white lettering was one word.
STAFF
"Oh, crud," I said out loud.
Chapter 2
So no shit, there I was, standing on a fountain in the middle of a town, surrounded by a lot of ponies, several holding spears to my gut and butt, and two probably demi goddesses looking at me with mixed reactions.
Ignoring, mind you, how absolutely, dog shit, insane this all was, or how really unreal it felt, but still felt really real.
There were a lot of questions going through my mind. Many I'm sure I could have answered on my own, but more that I felt were out of my league of intelligence even if they had the answers, because I doubted I would understand what they were saying.
So, naturally, I put the hat back on, nodded to no one in particular, turned around, pinched my nose, and belly flopped into the fountain.
I'm sure I made a great splash, but honestly I forgot fountains are usually shallow, so I bonked my head against the stone base and just kinda floated there for I wasn't sure how long.
I know I needed to breathe, but I thought maybe if I suffocated, or drowned, in this fountain then maybe I'd be like, not dead somewhere else.
Made sense at the time, at least.
I was eventually dragged out by my feet, noting legs wrapping around me and sitting me down on the cobblestone, where I hacked and coughed, as those guards who pointed their pointy sticks had ditched then to pull me from the water.
Then my hat, dripping wet, was dropped upon my already soaked head.
"Thanks," I spat a glob of water, and I swore I saw a goldfish with it.
"Ahem."
I was failing to wring out my outer shirt, so gave up and looked up.
Two very wet, and slightly angry looking, alicorn were glaring at me.
I'm sure a normal person would have something to say that implied they were remorseful over what they had done, and wanted to apologize for making two likely heads of state look like drowned cats.
"So, from 1 to 10, what's my score?"
"Eh, I say about a 7, only because your form was basic and you didn't say anything witty when you dropped."
I looked to my left, and there was a ball of pink energy that immediately made my legs hurt.
"But wowie, what a splash! You even got Lyra and Bob Bon wet with that one, and let me tell ya, they're hard mares to get wet."
I noped out of that one, at the same time I felt a weight in my left hand. I opened it, and there were some colorful option tags.
Everyone
Teen
Mature
The Mature one was selected. I took my right pointer finger and pressed on Everyone.
Suddenly there was a gasp from the pink party mare, and she began spinning in place.
"Hay, what gives! I feel funny, and my cute little puffy…" there was a weird twitch, like she was fighting natural instinct, but then forced a smile and continued, "junk is gone!"
Huh.
"Hey! Where is my-!"
Hesitation, from a stallion's voice.
More ponies began to murmer and shriek with fear.
Then I noticed Luna had her head looking between her legs. "Mine Royal Bits!"
Celestia just glared daggers at me.
"Uhuh, right, let's just try…" I said, then pressed the Teen option.
Instantly there was the sound of relief from many of the shocked voices, as well as the air feeling less humid.
I think a pony even tried to curse, but I couldn't recall what it was, even though I heard it, but I just recall I heard it… whatever it was.
"Vile creature, what Discordian madness is this you bring to our world?" Luna spat.
Like, literally spat. I wiped some of it off my face, as it was just starting to dry.
"I have no flipping clue."
I wanted to say fucking, but something unnatural made me choose flipping.
"Lies! We see what you do with your hand! Unless you put a stop to whatever this is, We will cut it off!"
I hugged my left hand close.
"No, this is my favorite hand! You can't have it!" I screamed.
Luna stomped forward, closer, fire and brimstone in her eyes.
"Then comply, surrender thyself, and return mine sister's day! You will rue this day…"
Honestly, she started going off on a tangent, but I felt that now familiar weight in my left hand. It said character tags, and so far three were there.
Luna
Celestia
Pinkie Pie
Then, to the side of each name, was a small white X.
Luna stomped closer, causing me to twitch, and my finger poked the one by her name.
"And We shall-!"
And then… She was gone.
No poof, no magic, no light shows or sound.
She just didn't exist there.
I heard a gasp.
Ponies looked at the spot Luna stood with shock, and others looked at me with fear.
I'm pretty sure I felt heat buffering my face, like I was in the exhaust blast of a Citation jet.
Celestia had finally broken her calm demeanor, and was almost literally on fire.
"That. Is. Enough."
She was not asking, she was not suggesting. She wasn't even demanding.
This was eternal, law, solid diamond.
I was pretty sure I was about to die, when there was a small puff of magic, and a scroll dropped in front of her.
It had a crescent moon wax seal on it.
I was also acutely aware that Princess Luna still did exist. I had a brief fear I had accidently just wiped her from existence.
The fire cooled upon Celestia's mane. But her horn glowed and she levitated the scroll, reading it quickly.
She let out a held breath, then lowered the scroll, the last traces of smoldering flames whisked away on a calm breeze.
"She was instantly summoned to Canterlot and does not seem to be able to return."
"Oh, that's… good."
She raised a brow at me.
"You know, that… She isn't… dead, or just… gone."
Her eyes narrowed.
"Um… should…" I tugged at my shirt collar. "I feel like I'm out of the loop on something, and I have no clue what's going on."
Princess Celstia continued to glare at me, then turned to one of the guards.
"Go to Twilight's Castle. Let her know to set aside a private meeting room, and to bring her friends. And tell her we will be having a… special guest."
I felt something from my left hand, and as I looked, the Pinkie Pie tag was now gone, replaced with Mane 6.
Huh.
One of the guards pushed their muzzle against my side, and using their head as a hand rest I stood up, much to their chagrin.
So, this was really happening, huh? I'm going to a sparkly castle to be interrogated.
Could be worse.
Chapter 3
I fidgeted in my seat.
Eight pairs of eyes were glaring at me.
My left hand now told me Spike was added as a character tag.
Okay, things couldn't get much worse.
"So, let me see if ah get this right," Applejack began, and something about what she said, or how she said it, caused me to flinch.
She ignored me and continued.
"This here feller just appeared, changed it from day to night, caused all of Ponyville to freeze in place, banish Luna to Canterlot, and then somehow cause all of us to forget how we went from town's center, to sitting around the map table?"
I blinked. Surely she was joking, we started walking, I was being poked by guards from behind…
"And now suddenly ah remember the guards pokin' his behind with their spears? What gives?"
I flinched again, although I think everyone else jumped when she stomped her hoof upon the table to press her point.
Something about what she said kept bugging me, and I felt my left hand begin to twitch, but I ignored it.
I was already in enough trouble… probably… I think?
"I was hoping we could figure this out, together," Celestia said, nodding towards Twilight Sparkle.
Everyone, myself included, looked to her.
What stared back at me was hungry eyes, her wings fluttering at her back.
I didn't like that none, and pulled my left hand out, noticing I now had options.
"What are you doing?" Celestia asked.
I was compelled to add Twilight Sparkle (Unicorn) to the characters, but stopped myself.
"Nothing."
Rainbow Dash decided it was time for her cameo, because she shoved her nose against mine, blowing hot breath at my face.
"Listen here, buster. We are watching you, so no funny business."
I pushed her back. "Yeah, I get it Dash."
"And that's another thing, how does y'all know our names? Ah sure don't know ya, who're what you is."
I flinched again at her words, and this time I checked my hand.
Ah
It was just that word, and it had little squiggles under it. Hesitantly, I poked it, and a suggestion came up.
I
Feeling as though this was correct, I selected it.
Applejack then twitched, and her eyes widened.
"What in Tarantino did y'all do? I felt somethin', it was there I tell yas. I felt… I felt…"
Slowly, she reached a hoof up to her mouth, pressing it along the underside of her jaw.
"I felt… I feel… I. I. I!"
Everyone was looking at her with alarm.
Then Applejack's eyes narrowed on me, and in an amazing display of athletics, she lunched from her seat, jumped once on the tables surface, and landed in front of me, hoof gripping my shirt collar while the other raised up high.
"What. Did. You. Do."
"Um… I fixed it?" I asked, weakly.
As her free hoof was about to come down, it was wrapped in a golden aura.
"Applejack, that is enough," Celetia said in a calm tone.
"But he-"
"Return to your seat. Now."
Begrudgingly, she let go of me, and Celestia released her other hoof, which allowed her to step away, although her tail flicked at my face, causing me to jump back.
"As strange as this all is," the poised voice of Rarity sprang up, "Applejack did bring up something. We are at a disadvantage, other than the obvious."
I wasn't entirely sure what she meant.
She huffed. "You know our names, but we don't know yours."
"Oh."
That was a good point.
"My name is…"
And then, something stirred inside of me. It was like a migraine, mixed with indigestion, only they switched places.
I know I have a name, and the name I almost said felt right, but it also felt… incorrect.
"Yes?"
I blinked at Rarity.
"Rob is the name that comes to mind, but it feels wrong."
She hummed. "Ill admit, it does sound rather odd."
"It's a perfectly normal name, for me anyway, but it doesn't feel like it's actually mine."
"How odd."
We all looked to Twilight.
She seemed to not be paying us any attention, talking to herself.
"It's like he's a null in the void, yet he holds such vast power. It is nothing magical, or physical. It just… is."
"His powers?" Celestia asked.
Suddenly, Twilight realized she was the center of attention, and shied back. Then, she righted herself, puffing out her chest.
"Actually, it's the lack thereof. I cannot sense anything about him, other than he is a living organism, male, and seems as confused as we are."
"She's good." I nodded. "I am those things."
A couple mares giggled.
"What do you suggest then, Twilight?"
I looked from Twilight, to Celestia, then back to Twilight. I couldn't help but smile, knowing well what she was thinking.
Then Twilight frowned, because, my guess, is she knew I knew what she was thinking. I looked around the table, and several of the mares sighed, nodding in a universal understanding of what was about to come out of Twilight's mouth.
Twilight sighed. "Study."
"Joy," I groaned.
Chapter 4
"Dang nab it, he did it again!"
Blinking, I had no idea what Applejack was talking about. Then again, as I looked around, I found it odd how we had wound up in a park, sitting under a willow tree with a picnic basket, checkered blanket, and thermos with soup.
How did I know the thermos had soup? But not what kind?
Weird.
"This is getting ridiculous, even for Discord," Twilight huffed.
I continued to pet Fluttershy's mane. "Would any of you believe me if I said I don't know how this is happening, but I'm sorry anyway?" I asked.
"Not really, but we will accept your apology anyway," Rarity puffed up her mane with a hoof.
"Oh, um… I suppose so," Fluttershy pushed her head back into my hand, and I continued petting.
I couldn't help feel like this was demeaning, but we'll, if she liked it, who am I to argue?
"Still, I would-" suddenly, Applejack shuddered, but grit her teeth and continued, "- would really like to not feel as though I keep havin' bouts of memory loss."
"Trust me, I don't like it either," I replied.
"Then why don't you stop?"
I had first thought I was leaning up against the tree, but now that I heard the smooth, female voice right in my ear, the hard barn of a tree was replaced with the soft fur and squishy side of one Princess Celestia.
"Well, if I knew what it was I was doing, I would."
"Well, when I get mixed up and lost flying, I always retrace my flight pattern. Maybe we can do that?"
I gave the pegasus a pat on the head. "Worth a shot."
"Very well, I shall leave you all to it. I must return to Canterlot, and calm any national panic your arrival has caused."
I was kinda sad to feel her leave, she was warm and comfy, but I wouldn’t dare say that out loud.
"However, Rob, before I go, I do have one last request?"
I hummed questioningly.
"Would you please return my sun back in its rightful place?"
Oh, shit, I had done that when I first woke up, hadn't I?
"Oh crap, sorry about that. I just woke up and it was bright, and-"
She hushed me with a wing tip. "It is fine, now that I know you are not malicious in nature, but please?"
I lifted my left hand up, and saw the options.
Light Theme Dark Theme
I moved the switch to the left, and instantly everything lit up around us.
A wave of relief came over all ponies about, even Celestia glowed.
"Thank you. Now, I shall be off. Twilight, please keep me in the loop."
The younger alicorn nodded. "Of course."
With a final nod to all present, regal Princess Celestia of Equestria opened her wings and took flight. Not seconds later, a dozen guards joined her.
"That was cool," I said absentmindedly.
"Yeah, showoff," Rainbow muttered.
"Right, so, should we go try that thing you said?" I asked, which seemed to signal Fluttershy off my lap so I could stand.
"I'd say so, partner," Applejack nodded, enjoying the sun on her coat.
"Cool, let's go," I said.
Suddenly, Applejack's eyes went wide. "Wait! Don't-"
Chapter 5
"- do it again gall dang it!"
Applejack threw her hat to the ground, and began stomping on it.
Honestly, it was getting to the point that it was cute to watch her get all mad and flustered, and while I didn’t do it on purpose, I almost wish I could, just to get her to do it again.
I might also be biased because she was my waifu, but in my poorly thought out defense I was trying to keep myself from being a sperglord, and actually focus on the fact that not one bit of this entire situation was ideal, nor made any real sense.
Also, really? Waifu? Sperglord? What am I, a 4channer? Jesus Christ on a pogo stick, I need to get out more.
“Alright gang, let's split up and search for clues.”
I was then keenly aware of an awkward silence, and turning around I saw six ponies staring at me.
“What?”
“Really? We’re in the alley between the Clop Shop and Mister Breezies, not like there's much here,” Rainbow said with a raised brow.
Ex-fucking-cuse me?
“The what shop?” I asked.
“The Clop Shop? That’s the town’s ferrier,” Twilight said.
“Oh.” I slapped my hand against my forehead. “God, I could use a drink.”
The usual weight in my left hand came about, and looking down, there was a bracket for additional tags, alongside the Teen rating. While I was quite happy to leave most of those out of the current subject, one caught my eye.
Narcotics
Technically, I don’t think alcohol counts as narcotics. Or maybe it does? What the Hell, I added the tag.
In the blink of an eye, I had a lowball glass, two ice cubes floating in amber liquid.
“Oh fuck yeah, now we’re talking,” I said with a grin, taking a sip.
Bourbon. Nice.
“Hey, what gives!? You can’t do that!” Rainbow flew up to me.
I stuck my tongue out at her. “Apparently I can, because my hand says so.”
“Oh yeah?” she grinned, “What else can it do?”
She then took my hand in her hooves, and looked over the selections.
She instantly went pale.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” I pulled my hand back.
Although, now that I had this particular menu open, I was curious about some of the other tags.
There were several options, some of which already selected.
“Huh, Human tag?”
I clicked it off. Then something shifted, reality, I don’t know what, but I found myself lower to the ground, awkwardly standing on my now stubby feet and right hand, my left, now an orange hoof, was still giving me the same tag list, but it was very clear what I’d just done.
“Nope.” I reselected the tag, and I was back to normal, glass still in my hand. “Nope nope nope, not ready for all that that implied.”
“Well honestly, darling, you weren’t… that bad looking,” Rarity chimed in.
“He still had a big cider gut though,” Rainbow added, then was promptly shoved by the fashionista. “Hey!”
“Naw, that’s cool, I know what I am. Huh, okay, this is weird,” I was still looking at my hand, which now Twilight and Pinkie Pie had begun looking over my shoulder. Twilight was flapping her wings, and Pinkie was just there.
I turned off the Random tag, and she fell to the ground with a plop and a protest of “hey!”
Pressing the tag again, it came back. “Sorry, just testing something.”
I’m pretty sure Twilight rolled her eyes, but remained quiet, and I heard the sound of a pen, or pencil maybe, scribbling on paper.
Curiously, under the character tags, I realized there was one off to the side in red.
“Self Insert? Oh man, I can only guess,” I tried to turn it off, but it wouldn’t go away.
Then, another tag I noticed, but I was unfamiliar with it being a tag at all, like, ever.
“Displaced? What ungodly-” I froze. “Oh. No.”
“Rob?” Twilight asked.
I tried to remove the tag, but it, much like the Self Insert, it wouldn’t go away.
“Oh this is beyond fucked. This is fuckity fucked. Hyuk a fuck. Two Duck Fucks.”
“I’m pretty sure you’re pressing the Teen rating,” Pinkie added.
“I don’t care. Do you know what this means?” I pointed to my hand.
All the ponies looked from me to each other, then shaking their heads.
“This is some inception level horse fuckery! I’m in a self insert, displaced story!”
“And that’s… bad?” Twilight asked.
“I… uh, don’t know, actually.” I tapped my chin, then remembering the glass, took another sip.
“Well, this alley here is a bust,” Applejack scratched the back of her head. “Honestly, I don’t know what we were expectin’ ta find here.”
“Maybe there’s something on a deeper, self conscious level for dear Rob here?” Rarity asked.
“What, like, in his noggin?” Applejack asked.
“Oh, my, do you think he has brain damage?” Fluttershy nearly spoke loudly.
“Well, the best pony for troubles in the mind is Luna,” Twilight said. “But, I’m not sure it’s a good idea…”
I had kind of only half listened, but hearing Luna, I thought maybe, what the Hell, I do owe her an apology. I added her character tag to the list.
Instantly, there was a sharp decrease in humidity, the air going dry as static buildup all around us. Several of the mares backed away from me, only Twilight staying over my shoulder, still writing.
Then, a strange sound. Like rushing air, or the approach of a tornado.
How did I know what a tornado sounded like?
There was a sudden crash of something from the sky out on the street, a fireball falling from the heavens, and amazingly it didn’t wipe out all of life.
“The Hell, was that a meteor?” I asked.
“Nope. A very pissed off Princess,” Applejack pressed herself against the building wall as tightly as she could.
A figure approached, standing at the alley entrance.
“Finally, We are able to return. This is your final moment, vile creature,” Luna practically spat out.
She was also on fire, like how Celestia had earlier, but hers was blue and white, like a propane torch.
I finally realized Twilight had flown away from me, fearing for her own life.
I gulped. “So, I take it you’re mad at me for the whole, removed you from the story thing?” I asked.
She took a step forward. Stone was crumbling below her hooves.
“Okay, so, I can understand being mad. I did sort of remove your privates for a moment there, but I put them back! Honest mistake!”
Another step.
“And then you kinda got up in my face, and I was fearing for my life, kinda like right now, although this time is a lot worse. Like, pissing my pants fear."
Another step.
“Look, hear me out, I don’t want to remove you again! We could use your help! I could use your help! See? This is me asking for help from… you! Your highness! Oh God I’ve been very disrespectful this whole time, haven’t I? Should I bow?” I looked to a shivering Fluttershy. “Should I bow?” I yelled at her.
She covered her eyes with her forehooves, shaking more.
“That’s not helping me!” I turned back to Luna, who was much closer now. “This isn’t helping either!”
Only a few strides away, and I could feel that hot jet exhaust again, against myself.
I lifted up my left hand. “I’m warning you, I’ll do it!”
There was a moment of hesitation, but then, her eyes glowing pure white, she snarled, and lunged at me. I quickly went to remove her tag, but then the bar froze, and a walled eyed pegasus’ image appeared, as if it had crashed through a screen.
404! I just don’t know what went wrong!
“Oh shit!” I ducked, just in time for her to fly over me.
I had very little time. I could, in no way, run away. I mean, I could run, but I wasn’t fast enough, and I didn’t have the build up of stamina.
And I’m fat, but whatever. My boss always got a good laugh whenever I ran.
Finally, my left hand became responsive again, and in a fit of pure terror I started slamming my finger into the palm, just trying to change and make anything else happen other than what was currently going on.
Chapter 6
I blinked my eyes, trying to see. It was darkness all around me. Before long, I realized I was laying on the floor of a grand, large bedroom, wrapped up in what appeared to be a bathroom rug.
I was totally naked, other than the damn hat.
I sat up, looking around, and found my clothes and shoes scattered about.
Then I saw the dark blue regalia also scattered about.
I blinked.
I was laying beside a massive, four post bed, and looking up at it, I could see handcuffs (hoofcuffs?) attached to the two closest posts, and they were taught, angled towards the center of the bed.
“What the fuck,” I said outloud, then checked my left hand.
I’d made a huge flub of the entire tags section.
The only character tag present was Luna’s, other than the obvious self insert one.
I moved the… screen I guess, up, and my heart sank.
Mature
Fetish
Sex
I gulped, then slowly, using the bed for support, stood up on my knees, and looked at the bed.
I instantly fell to the ground. Nope. Nope nope nope.
“Oh fuck, this is bad. I need help.”
Have you ever had one of those absolutely stupid ideas, that it wasn’t even a thought, you just did it because under normal circumstances it might make sense to seek the help, but it was the wrong person, or the wrong help, or the wrong situation? Or what if it was all three?
I added Celestia’s character tag.
The bedroom door opened, and Celestia stepped in.
“I was wondering when you would-”
She froze, eyes going wide.
Then, and only then, did I realize my fuck up.
“Okay, so,” I began to say, trying to hide myself with the bathroom rug. “I know this looks really bad, but trust me when I say that, it wasn’t intentional.” Then, for good measure, “Also, it wasn’t my fault, it was hers. She lunged at me.”
Wait, that sounded worse!
“I mean, not in that way! She was mad! I brought her back to apologize, then she caught on fire which was kind of badass if I’m being honest, but she wouldn’t stop being so damn scary and taking overly long steps towards me. Then my hand 404’d and I had to dive out of the way, then it came back and I just started mashing buttons and next thing I know I’m here!
“Besides, you’re best princess so I wouldn’t have done this on purpose!”
Wait, what? You dumb fuck quick, fix this!”
“That is, I’d have rather done it with you!”
Oh my God what the fuck dude.
“I mean! No! I wouldn’t have! I mean, I would have, but I wouldn’t have! You know, done anything like this! Untoward! That’s the word, yeah, that word!”
Suddenly, there came the muffled sounds of laughter, and mumbles of words. Celestia’s horn glowed, and I flinched in prep to be blasted.
Instead, I heard a buckle unsnap, and a ball gag floated away from the bed.
“Our thanks. The creature, although I’m dire to admit it, is correct. I was out of control and forced his hand. Then, I woke up here, chained to mine bed in what would be an enjoyable manner, only, I feel as though I wasn’t completely fulfilled.
“Owch, hey, I’m right here you know.”
Celestia raised a brow at me.
“Oh, right, okay sure I’m lousy in bed, if that makes this any better?”
It probably didn’t, although I thought Celestia had a faint smirk on her muzzle.
“So…” I raised my left hand, “I’m going to… uh, remove this one.”
I removed the Fetish tag, and instantly the chains, or hoofcuffs, whatever, poofed away with the Gary’s Mod prop removal sound.
That was weird.
“Then I’m going to do this.”
I changed it back to Teen, and I felt my boxer-briefs back on, so at least I wasn’t totally exposed.
On shaking knees, I stood up, allowing the floor mat to fall to the ground.
“Okay, so, are we good?” I asked.
“That is entirely up to you,” Celestia said, giving me a curious look.
At least she wasn’t glaring at me anymore, and I’d almost think she was starting to enjoy this madness.
I looked down to my hand. Huh, the Comedy tag was on. What if I removed it?
Have I mentioned yet that I’m not always on point? Well, I turned it off, and right away both alicorns burst into flames, white, glowy eyes focused on me.
“Oh fuck nope!”
I put the Comedy tag back on, and they simmered down.
“Okay, note to self, tags also affect how you guys react to… whatever, me or the situation.”
“Yes, it would appear so,” Luna said, finally stepping down from what I presumed was her bed.
“We are quite angry, I will admit, but it seems we are holding self restraint in acting out against you,” Celestia added. “So, to save face, I suggest you return to Ponyville, and try to figure this all out, without us, preferably.”
Luna just nodded.
“Right,” I began gathering my clothes. “Uh, I don’t have any money for a train ticket, so how can I… you know, get back?”
Both alicorns raised their brows at me.
Oh, right.
Chapter 7
I was thrown off the train at the Ponyville station.
“Yer banned fer life!” the ticket master shouted, then the door closed and the train chugged away.
“God, what did I even do!?” I shouted to the sky as I laid on a wooden platform, facing up. My right side hurt and I felt a lump on the back of my head.
“Oh hey, you’re back.”
Rainbow Dash was hovering overhead, and looking at my hand, her character tag, as well as Twilight and Applejack.
“Where’s the other two?”
She looked at me confused. “Other two?”
“Oh, hey, fancy seein’ you back here after all that ruckus from earlier,” Applejack walked into my vision, looking down at me, then up at Rainbow.
“Heya Dash.”
“Hey AJ.”
“Oh, Rob is back?” called out Twilight Sparkle, who stood opposite of Applejack, looking down at me, then to her two friends. “Fancy catching you two here, I was looking for you both.”
“Ya were? What fer?” Applejack asked.
Twilight opened her mouth, then paused, eye brows knitting together. “Huh, for the life of me, I can’t remember.”
“Probably my fault,” I said, waving my left hand.
“Oh, right, that thing. Yeesh, so are we just going to be randomly summoned by you all the time or something?” Rainbow asked, crossing her forelegs.
“I hope not. I just want to figure out what’s going on, and leave. For home, preferably.”
“Oh, well, we can work on that,” Twilight nodded. “However, while I don’t know why originally I wanted to see you two, now I do have a question. I need some natural rain water, and I was wondering if you knew when the next scheduled rain storm was for Sweet Apple Acres.”
The mares continued talking about… what I figured was random bullshit, but made sense to them. I looked at my hand, and noticed the other additional tag there.
Slice of Life
Oh, so no crazy adventure, no violence or anything. Just calm, peaceful quiet time with nothing zany going on.
I like this tag, this one stays.
With nothing else pressing, I wrapped my hands over my stomach, and closed my eyes, enjoying the sunshine on the wood platform while the three ponies talked on about whatever above me.
----------
And that's it! Probably. Hopefully, actually if I'm being honest I don't know. This was a wild, fun ride to write, and I've got a few small ideas, but noting that really fits just quite yet. I'll maybe do a future blog post with the continuation, but until then, this feels like a good place to stop.
Hope you enjoyed!
(PS this story is dedicated to knighty because he's da best)
Amazing... absolutely amazing
Meta AF
I swear, My Little Mowie is getting closer... (where's the upvote button for blog posts?)
There are so many things I would quote and comment on in this, so... I'm just not gonna.
I'm assuming you meant it figuratively, but would it really be illegal (by site rules) to post this? It was friggin' hilarious. Just needs a tiny bit more for a viable ending. Fuck, maybe it doesn't— I could see something this wacky just straight up ending right there.
Glorious, funny, and very, very, Pinkie Pie-esque.
The madness of this tale was the thing of legends. 10/10 Would read it again, a pity you left it as a blog post.
What can I say except jdjdjsdbjdbdlxndisnodbfb
5520863
Yes, because it goes against the meta rules hardcore. And it's kinda difficult to tag since the story in itself changes tags on a whim.
This was absurdly funny. I don't understand why it would be 'illegal' to post it.
...Huh. :D
5520914
Ah, gotcha. Been a while since I've read through the rules, and since I don't write meta stuff I didn't remember that part. I would still totally read a continuation of this if you decided to run with it.
If I could make a suggestion—and yes, I'm serious—since people ask about upvoting blog posts, in the future, if you write a story like this that you have to put in a blog due to site rules (and since it's a blog the mods shouldn't get their panties in a twist about it), why not do what 5520837 does and make the first comment yourself? It can be your official story header with an upvote and downvote option so people have a place they can show their appreciation (or disgust) for your work.
Just a thought.
5520928
Because Meta
5520981
That's actually a pretty good idea. I'll remember it for next time.
This is gooooooood shit, dude, haha.