A look into the mind of an unconfirmed sociopath.

Because I have never hidden who I am, even though I'm as shy as Fluttershy.

So today I just felt like talking and Dad's not home, Mom's watching a movie, Morning is playing Minecraft, and big Sis is asleep. Multiple people who know me closely have speculated on whether I am sociopathic and/or autistic. And one of those people has a medical degree.

1^st Sociopathic. To begin I refer you to a post I made 2 months ago in response to which villain types were my farorite:

>>7430628, >>7430630
These are my favorite to. Maybe because I find them closer to me than the heroes. Sometimes I scare myself. Once I was undercover in an enemy occupied territory. So I walk up to an enemy soldier and strike up a conversation. When she asks, I tell her that I understand she isn't an evil person, she's just following orders. She admits I am the first native() to show her kindness, and invites me to her squad's party.
Now for the psychology. I was honestly working to understand my enemy. Not for any tactical advantage, just because I try to see both sides of an issue. But then, years later I realized; I knew I might end up killing her, and I went out of my way to empathize with her. Most people try to demonize their enemies to distance themselves from taking human life. If the enemy was a complete monster, does it really count as human life. I could work to understand, and then kill, with no remorse. This sort of behavior, coupled with a natural problem understanding people, has lead me to agree with something someone very close to me once said. I am sociopathic. Not homicidal, don't worry, that situation described above was a game, in real life I am a coward, who has no intention of tangling with the law. I also am always striving to be a good person and to get in line with God's will. Not doing a great job, but trying to be good.

And then last week a saw this video:

I was thinking about it and I think I could do it. If the enemy were holding my neighbors hostage and trying to use them as human shields I don't think it would stop me from killing both. I would have to be confident that it would save others, but I think I could do it if I needed to.

For better or worse I tend to be rather flippant about things like death and suffering of others. On the surface my ability to effectively shut myself off from those things is a sign of hardness(akin to evil or, you guessed it, sociopathy). However the fact I feel the need to do so and feel sadness at such things is a sign of softness of heart(akin to goodness and empathy). So my empathy is all kinds of busted up, but I do have empathy, which is important.

And then there is my general hardships in understanding how people think. I have been making an active effort to learn things like social cues and just what people are like. And after years of active effort I am still bad enough at it that I often have to ask for clarification for things like sarcasm. I have it on good authority that I am still below average on such things.

And that last point leads to the 2^nd part, Autistic. This, if true, is a fairly mild case, and I am a functioning member of society. I hate loud noises and bright lights. As in I have curled into a fetal position, covered my ears, and started rocking the one time I was brought to a rock concert. And I often wear sunglasses and comment on how bright it is while the sky is overcast, or it is shortly after sunset.

I get very nervous in large crowds. Today I felt it leaving church, I was breathing heavily by the time I made it outside. Also I very seldom start a conversation with anyone I don't know.

Anyway, I just felt like talking. These are all things I have already spoken to my family and am trying to learn how to overcome/live with. For example, if I keep the volume low I found that Sabaton is pretty good.