"Ice Star, why have you been so quiet lately?" (massive content warning for suicide) · 3:25am Mar 21st, 2021
I'd like to think it's for a good reason, but I might be all out of those. I've had writer's block and very little time to attempt to correct it. Normally, when I have no motivation I like to whip my ADHD no-focus and hyperfocus into shape, though it all depends on which one has decided to claim me. But no, I've mostly been dealing with my university coursework, and that I've declared a double major earlier this semester.
For anyone who keeps track of my blogs, you'll know that I mentioned having a wisdom tooth coming in too. Well, I'm finally getting those out in early April. That was the soonest date I could get at the closest practice to me (ie. the closest meaning it is midway across the length of the state) to get 'em all out of my jaw. Yes, those. As in plural. All four are impacted bony fractures that I've had the extraordinary pleasure of feeling them each grow in my face in all the weeks since the dentist x-rayed my face and had to explain four of these hideous fuckers had no room to come in instead of just one. Oh, and being asked to explain for the third time that yes I am twenty-one and my wisdom teeth all just decided to crash in despite there being no sign of them... uhh, a few years ago?
I didn't mean to devote a whole paragraph to that, but the point is that I hate teeth a whole fucking lot. Having constant jaw pain is not fun. I heartily do not recommend it.
The other issue that has come up that keeps me from the keyboard is a... more personal one, I would say. To those who have been following me for a while, I've mentioned in the past that I've struggled with bipolar disorder for most of my life. It is type 2, like the diabetes, but also not like the diabetes. I would say it is closer to a 2 in the sense that it is shit. This is because my mood stabilizers have stopped working... for more than a couple of weeks. I've done the responsible thing I've contacting my psychiatrist and the dosage was increased, but there have been no especially positive effects since the increase. This is the first increase in my dosage (or alteration at all) in years and that the medicine has just not been working would normally trouble me a lot, especially since doctors have all been happy enough to describe my bipolar as in remission since I've started my HRT.
(Thank goodness for literal steroids is the moral of the blog, kids.)
You'll notice that I said normally trouble me a lot.
As in, Ice Star, what could possibly trouble you more?
Tomorrow, it will have been exactly one week since a student at my university overdosed. It was in the building right across from my house, where my roommates and I were able to watch as police cars, ambulances, a coroner, and more people came to the scene to retrieve the body of someone that we might have known. It was Monday that we found out that the overdose was on purpose, even though I didn't show up to any of my classes. On Tuesday, I learned that he was in one of my classes and that the only reason I hadn't realized this was a) because he always entered the class in a group with his friends and b) I'm one of those obnoxious people that sit in the front and he sat in the back.
On Sunday, I wanted to think that this was just a horrible pre-party accident for Saint Paddy's day. Still something horrible, but not exactly unheard of for college students. But it wasn't. The fact that my friends and I had to watch as this person's suite [1] mate's were ordered (with the help of staff) to grab blankets and pillows before exiting the building again, crying like children [2] and looking terrified, so that their local families could pick them up. Thinking that someone my age felt so alone and that they had no one who could help them is absolutely horrifying to me. I've survived multiple suicide attempts. I've survived an overdose from when I was eighteen through what was essentially just dumb luck. This was someone my age, who I definitely ran into in the cafeteria before and was in a class of mine. He was legitimately only a few months older than me and born in the same year too. When I think of someone my age ODing, I think of them in a fucking ER getting their stomach pumped and needing some damn therapy afterward, because the other outcome, this outcome isn't anything that I want to be happening. And certainly not when it is on purpose.
I pass his memorial on the street every day. More people bring flowers and other things each day. There are colorful pinwheels, sports gear, and even one last White Claw [3] to crack open while on this earth. Crosses and angels are wedged in between photos, and a bunch of balloons bearing the colors of the Irish tricolor wave when the wind is right. Someone takes the care to light the candles decorated with Jesus and the saints each night, as well as the scattered tea candles with his initials spelled out on the ground. A duct-taped and weatherproof box of letters for him sits amid bunches of flowers. All of these have survived the wild, whipping wind and rain brought on by the Snow Belt. The only thing that hasn't are the chalk messages scrawled anew each day; there are messages for my peer, about how wonderful he was and how blessed everyone felt knowing him, and messages to anyone who feels the same way to stay strong and so on.
For how distant I usually am, I know that there are sentimental things that are genuine and worth appreciating. These are some of those things. It's beautiful but also fucking tragic. Someone with one attempt... well, it went through. Someone so cherished by others is gone, and yet, I'm still here.
There is a lot more related to this that I don't really want to put in this blog, even if I knew how. What I would like to put, is the small amount of good I can do. I learned that the family of my peer didn't have funeral insurance on him because he was so young, all because I stumbled across a GoFundMe hoping to find any kinds of articles with information on the situation. His father has been out of work due to the pandemic, and the thought that he has to bury one of his children on top of that is absolutely infuriating. I really don't care if anyone knows the kind of information related to me that anyone can learn from just... I don't know, learning my university name? I'm linking the GoFundMe here, and I threw in what I could from my broke college student tiny money stash. If you can, and you wish to, please click on it. This isn't for me, and I gain absolutely nothing from this.
As a result, I've been trying to focus on classes first. I've got plenty of horse words sitting around in my drive, they're just not edited or particularly presentable yet.
I just need a fucking break. I haven't been poking around on discord outside of DMs. Seriously, that's all I've really been able to handle checking. If you want something, please DM me. Otherwise, I won't see it.
And if I'm going to be completely honest? It is probably best to DM me first. I can't say if I'll be in the mood to talk, but I'll try.
[1] Just for clarification, a suite means that the dorm-style is arranged so that the bedrooms are single. These students did not see their room-mate die. It also means that they can be locked out of their roommate's bedroom.
[2] This isn't an insult. I was legitimately reminded of the way very young children are brought into the hall or a guidance office in school when they're upset to be told that a loved one died, and how in elementary/primary school it wasn't too unheard of to have kids that age who might have snuck something like a toy or blanket with them to school in their backpack. I'm legitimately just not in the headspace to think of any other way to phrase this. They looked like little kids, especially from a second and third-story window.
[3] It's a kind of beer, kids.
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Ah dang, that's horrible to hear. I feel like there's so many awful things happening, it's just getting harder and harder to bear. Though as tragic as this is, it's... I don't really have a word for it, there's really nothing positive to put here, but there's some good faith in humanity seeing that the fundraiser has reached its goal.
Still, with all the commissions I've been doing recently, I'll be donating what I can. Wish it could be more, but it'll be something at least.
Also, sorry about your dumb teeth. At least you'll be spared from those soon.
Brutal. Hope things improve.
I'm sorry to hear things are going so rough for you, and of course my heart goes out to the family and friends of the young man who overdosed. I'm worried about you, Ice. I know I'm not one of your closer friends, but I am your friend and I do care about you. You sound like you need more people who care about you, or maybe just need to be reminded of it, because this sounds like survivors guilt. I care about you and I don't want you to hurt if I can help it. I'm here if you need to talk, and I'll be reaching out to check on you. Know that if you need space I will not be offended, you don't have to reply to me, but I'm always around if you need me.
Oh this is just awful. I'm sorry it's all been piling up. Hope it all turns for the better soon.
Take care.
Just had a chance to read all this, and man this is awful. Take time for yourself to feel better, horse words can absolutely wait.
Holy shit that's intense, dude. Someone taking their life like that, it's something most people only ever see on the news or in passing and get taken aback whenever it happens close to us. There's so little preparation one can have for eventualities like this. But there is some silver lining out there at least, that fundraiser blazed far past its goals and raised a ton. His family and friends won't be struggling for money to commemorate him, and people have shown their compassion.
Whatever else is bothering you about it, just know that we all have our own tangled lives, and we can't possibly all be aware of the suffering and struggles of those around us. Survivor's guilt and similar emotions are a bitch, but we would do well to take to heart that no one is much more "worthy" than anyone else of care and support. I'm kind of rambling at this point, but ah well.
No one could possibly blame you for choosing to focus more on your studies, especially in the wake of choosing a double major. All in all, it's the thing that requires your attention more than anything else. With one possible exception:
Kinda like Krickis here, I am worried. And more specifically concerned you might be burning yourself out. All of this, it's a hell of a lot to deal with all at once, let alone on their own. You're correct, you do do need a fucking break, one way or another.
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I had to re-read the fundraiser goal multiple times. I wasn't sure if it had met its goal because the amount gained was larger than the amount requested by so much. It just took me so many times to lay that out in my mind. That's a huge amount of money, and I recognized some of the surnames that donated, particularly of parents. I hope that good fortune like that keeps happening after such a horrible tragedy.
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Thank you. I'm trying my best. Mostly, by trying to haul myself to my classes again. Even if it's just over zoom.
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Thank you so much. I've been trying to stay busy and haven't been checking fimfic as much beyond putting the last touches on a pre-written story. I have a lot of classwork, and it makes it hard to remember these things. I'll try to reply to you on Discord too. I saw everyone's messages... but I'm also really tired. I hadn't thought that survivor's guilt would apply to something like this either. My friends and I are all still really shaken, and I thought everyone else was taking this harder (one of my housemates has been crying a lot) and I think that made it harder to see where I stand just because I don't really cry, y'know? If that makes sense.
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Thank you, Sledge. You take care too.
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My new writing projects and incomplete are definitely going to have a little nap, so to speak. I'm usually a workaholic about things, especially my writing, but it's really clear after these comments and events that I need to do minimal writing for a while.
Thanks, dude. I'll try and be back in the Cafe when I'm ready.
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I've survived multiple attempts and many of my friends have. That's become more of the startling part as time goes on. Each of us survived those intentional situations, and many other accidents (like the overdose I mentioned going through). And yet, he didn't. And I'm just not sure why.
Money can never come close to replacing a soul and all, but I can only hope that his family and surviving siblings have more than enough to get what they need and more with all of that.
I wish there was more that I could do/give.
Rambling is always welcome in my comments. I just... well, you being the second person to say survivor's guilt is a but much more than a coincidence at this point. I probably have some things to sort out, and should bring them up with my therapist.
My double major was already chosen and was approved. Thankfully, since it was my minor before, I've already made some progress in it. I'm trying to take as much of a break as I can in-between classes and just doing what I can, since writing is hard work and I'm not in a place where I can trust myself to pick up any of my projects and produce anything past decent right now.
I'm always checking into discord when I can.
I wish i knew the exact words you need to hear, but reading this blog about how things are going for you, and the event that unfolded, just took them all away. I will try my best, however.
To see someone you grew accustomed to see everyday, vanish one day under conditions you are familiar with… it's unfathomable how it must feel like. For you it must have hit home like a truck, and for the boy's family… The pain must be unbearable. One cant help but feel powerless in these situations. All my best wishes go for them.Â
What could've prompted this tragedy, or if there were any signs prior to that… None of that matters. A young man left this world earlier than what he should have, and now a father will have to bury his son. There is no one to blame here. Just a dreadful situation all around. But it should put us at ease, the fact that there's a sliver of hope. His family is free from their economical burden, and that student is receiving all kinds of affection from his peers. He was clearly a loved member of his community, and I sincerely hope that, wherever he is right now, knows it.Â
Your readership and friends alike can and will wait patiently until you recover from all this. There's never a correct way to cope and process this stuff, but as long as you come back stronger than ever, it will be good enough for us. Having said that, please, do not feel guilty for surviving. You have undergone through a lot, and still you've stayed with us, doing your best to face each day with a happy face, to give everyone the best you can offer. I have said this a lot of times before and I will continue to do so. You have been one hell of a strong person, and the perfect example of a survivor. Feel proud of that.
And because words can only do so much, the moment I can put some money into my account, I will do some aportations myself on the gofundme. The least one can do.
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🖤🖤🖤