Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Sexual Harassment · 5:43am Mar 2nd, 2021
I found this in an old folder on my computer. I wrote it some time ago. Evidently, my past self decided it wasn't worth publishing.
My past self was a fool.
**********
It was a slow day in Canterlot Palace. The nobility were quiet, the realm was at peace, the legislature was productive, and Luster Dawn had solved her latest friendship problem without help. Twilight had shown up in her throne room in the morning out of habit, but there was quite little for her to do.
Which is to say, she got bored. Bored enough to do something silly. A smile touched her face.
“Hey there, hot stuff.”
Silence hung in the throne room. One of the guards cleared their throat. A few paces away from Twilight, Flash Sentry shifted in place, lifting each hoof in turn before returning it to the ground. And when he failed to answer, Twilight said, “Hey.”
Flash turned. Twilight lifted her eyebrows.
“Ah…” Flash coughed. “Hot Stuff was moved to the evening shift, your Highness.”
“Oh, I must have forgotten.” Twilight stretched out sideways on her throne. “But you know what I remember clearly? When we were young, and silly, and crushing on each other.”
“Um. Yes.” Flash nodded. Bits of grey had started to appear in his mane over the intervening years, and his once innocent grin had been replaced by something more worldly. “Your Highness.”
She lifted her eyebrows. “Wanna relive the past?”
“You did say, your Highness, that you wished to avoid time travel magic.”
“Flash…” Twilight drew out the word. “I mean, you want to plow the royal plot?”
“I could fetch a gardener.”
“Embrace the magic of love?”
“I have hugged Princess Cadence on several occasions.”
“Go for a bareback pony ride?”
“I prefer the saddle.”
“Oh, you do, do you?” Twilight giggled. With a little gesture of her hoof and a sultry cadence, she asked: “Cloth or leather?”
A bright red blush appeared on Flash’s cheeks, and he instinctively lowered his head to stare at the floor. Again, he shifted in all four hooves, and his wings parted from his side. Finally, giving into resignation, he turned around to face Twilight. “It’s not that you aren’t… attractive, princess, it’s just that you’re… big.”
Twilight hesitated, his comment having caught her off-guard. “You don’t like tall mares?”
“Tall mares can be lovely. But you’re not just tall. You’re giant. Huge.” He lifted a hoof to demonstrate. “We are horses, your Highness, and generally, when horses mate, the stallion gets on the mare’s back. But if I reared up to my full height, I think I’d be lucky to get my forehooves on your back. Our hips are supposed to be level, but even at my tallest, your hips are level with my head.”
“Oh. Oh.” Twilight smiled a gleeful smile. “So you want your head against my hips, mmm?”
Flash opened his jaw. Shut it without a sound. After a few stammering seconds he said, “Princess, I should check the security posts in the east wing.” He spread his wings, and without waiting for a reply, flew away.
“Oh, come on!” Twilight shouted after him. “Why is it ‘hot’ when a mare does it, but ‘gross’ when a stallion does it? We like that too you know!”
But Flash didn’t answer, and soon, the sound of his wingbeats faded into distance. She sighed and crossed her legs. “I hate it when he plays hard to get.”
“You know, princess,” Gallus said from across the room, “if you’re lonely, I’m free all day.”
“Oh, come off it, Gallus,” Twilight snapped. “You know that isn’t canon.”
“I solved your problem,” Twilight called, her voice melodious and light. No sooner had Flash Sentry stepped into her throne room than a purple beam from her horn struck him, and by her magical power, he was transformed. He doubled in height, becoming taller and thinner. He had the frame of an alicorn, though he remained a pegasus in substance.
“Ta-da.” Twilight descended from her throne, taking in his new form with a wide sweep of a hoof. “Behold. You are, in fact, now slightly taller than me. And the more I think about it, the more I realize you were right. This is masculine and sleek, and I like kissing tall stallions.”
A hot flush ran through Flash’s entire body, starting with his face and working it’s way down his body, puckering his skin as it went like he was shivering. “Uh… your… Highness.” Unsure of himself and unsure of his own limbs, he had to take several moments to consider his new body. “This is unexpected.”
“But it’s good, right?” She nuzzled up against his side. “Let’s take it for a test drive.”
“I don’t know.” Flash cleared her throat. “You are, uh… a princess, after all. The princess. And I am not a very experienced lover. I’m not sure I’m… adequate to the task. As it were.”
“Oh, well. I can fix that.” Twilight’s horn shone purple, and another beam struck Flash. He flinched, squeezing his eyes tight shut. But when his limbs didn’t distort and his bones didn’t warp, when his body didn’t levitate and his mind didn’t change, when nothing seemed to happen at all, he cracked one eye open.
Twilight was still there. She smiled. “Follow me,” she said, stepping towards her chambers.
“Princess, I…” Flash took a step away from her, but midway through it, he paused. He took another step back. Then one forward. He wiggled his hips, just so. Then he lowered his head, looking at his own undercarriage.
Twilight giggled. “Feeling a little heavy back there?”
“That’s um…” Flash bit his lip. “Okay.”
“Oh, it is indeed very okay.” She put a hoof on his shoulder. “So now that all those concerns are worked out-”
“I don’t know,” Flash lifted his head. “If this is the kind of stallion you want, I mean, physically, like me. Then clearly I’m not adequate to what you want and, you know. This is all very stressful. So I don’t think I could get it up anyway. Anxiety and such.”
Twilight stared him down. Flash stared back.
“Flash,” Twilight said. “You are going to be a giant, handsome, athletic stud who is hung like a literal horse, and you are going to like it.”
Flash let out a sharp nicker. “Princess, I should check the security posts in the east wing.”
As he flew off, he passed Silverstream in the hallway going the other direction. She eyed him, grinned. “Hey cutie! You single?”
“Sorry,” Gallus called to her. “Not canon.”
“Okay,” Twilight said. “I spoke to a relationship expert, and she said our relationship might have some unhealthy power dynamics.”
“Thank goodness,” Flash let out a heavy sigh. “That’s wonderful to hear. It’s been really hard to—”
“She suggested we need a safeword.” Twilight’s ears perked up. “So, any time you feel uncomfortable with the fact that I’m a god and you’re a mere mortal, and I can do anything at all I want to you if you refuse to have sex with me, just say the word ‘bicycle.’”
“Bicycle,” Flash said.
“Right, that’s the word.”
“Bicycle. Bicycle. Bicycle. Bicycle.”
“Exactly,” Twilight pointed a hoof at flash. “But you don’t have to keep saying it over and over. Save it for when we need it.”
Flash drew in a deep breath. “We need it now! We need it right now. I am triggering the safeword. Bicycle bicycle bicycle bicycle bicycle bicycle bicycle bicycle bicycle.”
“Flash if you overuse it like that I won’t know when you really mean it.”
Flash had a simple morning routine. Get up, stretch, brush teeth, examine new body in the mirror, bite lip, cry heavily, put on uniform, work. But one morning, right after the “stretch” phase, he was interrupted by a bright purple flash. Twilight had teleported into his quarters.
“I figured it out,” she said, lifting a hoof.
“You figured out that I’m just not that into you?” Flash asked, lowering his head with a heavy sigh.
“Yes!”
Flash paused. His ears perked up. Slowly, he lifted his head back to the normal position. “Really? That’s… wow. I didn’t think you were ever going to pick up on that.”
“Of course, it’s obvious you’re not attracted to me.”
“Well, good, becau—”
“Because you’re gay.”
Flash’s hoof hit his face. Slowly, he dragged it down over his muzzle, letting out a long groan with the motion. “Princess. Twilight. I am definitly not gay.”
“Oh.” She paused a moment. “Transgender?”
“You know what? Why not?” Flash snapped, his words short and clipped. “Yes that’s why being forcefully transformed into a totally different stallion for the sexual amusement of a capricious deity upsets me. Not because it’s totally objectifying and stressful. Not because it basically makes me a slave. Not because you come into my bedroom without asking. No. It’s because I’m a mare trapped in a stallion’s body. Well spotted, your Highness.”
“I thought so.” Twilight nodded. Her horn shone, and just like that, Flash Sentry was transformed into a beautiful pegasus mare. Her had a flowing mane, a tail that spilled over her hips like a waterfall, an athletic build to die form, and the most expressive doe-eyes. She could have been a cover mare on any magazine.
In another flash, Twilight was transformed into an alicorn stallion. She leaned down and whispered something into Flash’s ear. Something about being gentle since it was her first time.
Flash, being possessed of a higher voice than she’d ever had before in her life, decided to take advantage of that power. Which is to say, she screamed.
Not an angry yell. An “I’m being murdered” shriek. Loud enough to rattle the windows and echo around the palace.
Twilight froze to the spot. Flash sat there, panting and gasping for breath. Slowly, Twilight’s head turned, regarding Flash and herself in their due course.
“You know,” Twilight said. “Now that I consider this situation with the genders reversed. That is, a powerful stallion being… pushy. With a little mare. It occurs to me that um… you know. I thought it was funny. Like, I thought it was good joke. But maybe some of what I’ve been doing over the last few weeks is um…”
She bit her lip. “Wrong.”
“Oh, ya think!?” Flash spread her hooves wide. “You’re awful and I never want to see you again!”
“Okay.” Twilight said, a flush in her face that, for once, had nothing to do with lust. “Okay. That’s… that’s fair. I’ll send you off to the Crystal Empire, and we’ll never see eachother again. I’m sorry, Flash.”
Then there was a burst of purple light, and Flash appeared outside the steps of the Crystal Palace. It was home, and it was safe, and it was far away from Twilight.
She paused.
“I’m still a mare, aren’t I?”
Your past self was a great many things but if it wrote this they weren't a fool
Amazing!
So, um, the date on the file wasn't any kind of clue or anything?
5464773
Huh -- you know, that honestly didn't occur to me.
Version history says I wrote it on November 15, 2019,
5464775
I fear for you, I really do.
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Amazing
This is a thing of beauty.
So... Clearly Twilight is not the Princess of Friendship.
Definitely not the Princess of Friendship with Benefits.
Or the
PrincessSovereign of Solicitous Consensual Sex with Subordinates.So—she's stuck forever as the Princess of I'm A Freaking Alicorn and I Still Haven't Gotten Laid.
Yeah, saying that always results in the desired outcome. Good thinking, buddy.
Well, I laughed, even if I felt a bit like a terrible person for doing so. So, mission accomplished.
5464775
This is the most amazing sentence you have ever written.
I think it perfectly captures the essence of you in a sublime, understated genius sort of way
You're right. You past self way a fool indeed
5464784
She's bound to manage it. Some day. Hopefully.
Eh I give it give years until she just travels back in time or goes to a parallel dimension to do herself. Fifty/fifty really.
At least Twilight learned something. And really, if she's this willing to warp the bodies of her subordinates for her own pleasure, she should see if Fluttershy's willing to share Discord.
Or she could always go non-canon.
5464775
Speaking as someone who uses a Derpy avatar for a very good reason, I understand completely.
This is what I like to see. :3
Yes, Twilight's behavior here may be terrible, but so is Flash's taste. There is no such thing as a woman being too large, as my body of work can attest.
"Chevy Chase is Flash Sentry in National Lampoon's All the Pretty Horses!"
Pony Parliament demanded an investigation, so Twilight had them all beheaded. She was sorry about it later, when it was explained to her why it made her seem like an absolute monarch with poor impulse control.
On further thoughts, you're depriving the world of this with it not as a fic (if it's long enough etc) :p
Bah! You probably just didn't want to post this because you figured it wouldn't start enough fights in the comments.
"of his wingbeats faded into distance. She"
"of his wingbeats faded into the distance. She"?
"Flash cleared her throat."
"Flash cleared his throat."?
"Twilight pointed a hoof at flash."
"Twilight pointed a hoof at Flash."?
(Also, with the comma at the end of the quote before it, this is being used as a speech tag, I think, which... kind of works? It's one of those cases where I think technically it's wrong but it works well enough here that I can see it being a deliberately broken rule. Up to you what to do with it, of course.)
"“You know what? Why not?” Flash snapped"
...Uhhhhh. Flash, I think that saying that is in fact just likely to make your problems here worse, because I have a bit of a prediction about how Twilight's going to respond...
"mare. Her had a flowing mane"
"mare. She had a flowing mane"?
Annnd yep, there's the first half of it.
"an athletic build to die form, and"
"an athletic build to die for, and", or possibly "an athletic build to die from, and" depending on how energetic things get? In a story like this, while I'm still guessing the former, I could see the latter. :D
Oh, and looks like I got the second part technically wrong. I was guessing Twilight would just say she was also into mares.
...
Unfortunately for Flash, I'm guessing he finds this even worse than that.
"Like, I thought it was good joke."
"Like, I thought it was a good joke."?
Oh, uh. And it looks like Flash's line might be working out here after all? :D
"never see eachother again"
"never see each other again"?
Though I'm not sure if that one was deliberate.
Oops. :D
Well, that would have been kind of dark if taken too seriously. Good thing for the comedy that it wasn't! :D
Zeus would be impressed.
5464825
Considering what the original pop video for that looked like....
"Absolute power corrupts absolutely."
Could you publish this as a story? I want it on my short stories bookcase.
"A gentleman will always wait for the lady to leave the room before masturbating into a potted plant"
--Mr. Belvedere, The Dark and Gritty Remake