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AestheticB


[center]I have no idea what I'm doing.[/center]

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Dec
1st
2012

Arrogance · 1:22am Dec 1st, 2012

So this is what I’ve been doing this past month.

For those of you who don’t know what I’m linking: that’s a graph of my progress over this year’s NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month. The objective is to write fifty thousand words in a month, or by midnight on the thirtieth of November. You may notice that I failed to reach the 50K word mark on time. I also noticed this.

I hate failure. Do you like failure? Probably not. I know I’m not special in this regard, even if I’m special in almost every other way (looks, talent, youth, etc). In addition to that, I absolutely loathe being handed a participation ribbon. I was a participant. I showed up, and then contributed nothing of note.

So what led me to fail? Why did my course falter? Well, I think it might have been arrogance. I’m generally a humble guy, but I may have crossed the line a little at some points.

On November first, I’m visiting my parents. My friends encourage me to write what I can on their computer and get a healthy start.

“NaNoWriMo?” I say. “I’m AestheticB. I could write 1700 word biographies for my NPCs in Dungeons and Dragons. And then they would get six star ratings on Equestria Daily. I don’t need to write. This contest is my bitch.”

On the fifth, you’ll see that I did write... 500 words. The plan was to ease myself into the story and let it take off later. Upon hearing this, a friend told me I was fucking crazy.

“Look,” I say with a derisive snort. “I’m AestheticB over here. Writing words is pretty much my super power. I know exactly what I’m doing, and it’s kicking WriMo ass—just as soon as I’m finished refreshing my FimFiction for comments that heap praise upon me.”

Day 13, I write nothing at all, dedicating my time instead to schoolwork, because even I prioritize sometimes. I’m told that I am ten thousand words behind.

“Ten thousand words?” I ask aloud despite the fact that I am alone. “That could be a challenge for regular people who don’t own $200 keyboards. I feel sorry for the peasants people who aren’t you know, me, because that also means they aren’t AestheticB, bitches.”

The schoolwork strikes back on days 21 and 22, but I remain resolute. “Oh, shit,” I say. “I’m over ten thousand words behind, now! If only I were—oh wait, I am AestheticB. I’m going to hit this shit like a thunderstorm gone to war.”

Day 27 I’m playing XCOM and Ambion gets shot dead by a critical hit. “What the fuck is this?” I say. “Do you have any fucking clue who I am, Muton? I wrote The Immortal Game, you mutant alien shitweasel. You can try to pull that shit when you’re an inspiration to hundreds. Hundreds.”

This morning I look in the fridge to find out the orange juice I bought that I thought was no pulp does, in fact, have pulp. “Lots of pulp?” I say. “What the fuck is lots of pulp? They should call it 'lots of fucking shit.' I’m Aesthetic-Fucking-B. I don’t take shit from OJ.”

Then I look online to realize I’m going to fail NaNoWriMo.

The worst part of it is that if it weren’t in November it wouldn’t be nearly as hard. November is the month of scrambling to get every assignment done for me, and that’s magnified by the fact that I have no reading week in the fall semester. I wrote close to ninety thousand words this June. Forty thousand when I’m trying for it is just pathetic. Really, none of this was my fault. I don’t feel like it was arrogance at all.

But what am I going to do to console myself? Go read the comments on Sparkle’s Law? I mean, sure, that might make me happy for awhile. Twenty thousand reads is nothing to scoff at, and neither is the vault interview, six star rating, two week feature, etc etc. But as nice as it is to have over a hundred people tell me how talented I am, throwing around words like “The King of Comedy” and “The Best Story I Have Ever Read,” it still won’t change the fact that I failed NaNoWriMo.

So what am I to do? Sure, I could go check out TIG and bask in the praise of my loving readers, the fanart, recursive fanfiction, music, rave reviews, and a six star rating that defies the traditional constraints of the grimdark tag. As nice as it is to have you peasants tell me I’m the greatest thing ever to happen to English literature, it still doesn’t change the fact that my dedication to quality over quantity led me to fail NaNoWriMo.

Because the fact is, it’s hard to be AestheticB. I worry that I’m not spending my near-divine level of talent enough, that I’m not inspiring enough people or changing enough lives. Other people only have to worry about surviving though their mundane existence, but I’ve always known I’m more important, destined for something greater. And it really sucks when I fail to meet an arbitrary word quota for reasons that weren’t my fault at all.

I guess the real lesson to be learned here is that none of you could possibly understand the challenges that I face in life, and certainly none of you could face them yourselves. Really, I pity you for not being able to properly pity me.

I think we’ve all known somebody like that. Someone who structures every interaction around making themselves feel and seem bigger, carefully looking for every opening they can use to boast in the most humble way they possibly can. It’s the kind of trait that goes hand in hand with being a compulsive liar.

I don’t actually have a point here, I’ve just been watching a lot of Extras and thought that if there was a twisted version of me, it would be arrogant and pathetic. Publicly, I mean.

But I did spend this month balls-deep in schoolwork and NaNo, which wasn’t much of a secret considering I mentioned it as often as possible. No, what I was working on wasn't a pony story, and no, you probably won’t get to see any of it for a long time.

I want to develop my ability to create my own world, characters, and magic systems, and I want to practice long-form editing, so this was a pretty natural course for me to take. I want to get better at writing, and this will build my skills more than anything else I could do.

But now that November is over that project can be suspended while I focus my efforts on The Immortal Game. I know many of you have been waiting patiently, and I’m very grateful for that. The ending has been a hard thing for me to write, and I don’t want to let you or myself down.

After that, I think I might like to try another ensemble comedy. We’ll see how that pans out, though—that kind of story is also very hard for me to write. But hey, I love the challenge.

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Comments ( 45 )

So is the story any good?

40k words? Still pretty damn impressive!

I look forward to whatever you end up writing. I am sure it will be enjoyable.

556960 Really? even here?

For some reason I found this hilarious.

-Minty

I respect a man who doesn't take shit from OJ.

Original fiction? BAH! That's the work of hacks and fools!

Seriously though, get that thing published. Even if you have to find an online writer's magazine to publish it for you (I recommend The Weaving Knight) it'll be worth it just for the sake of practice.

556975
In my head, it's awesome!

On paper, no. Absolutely, not.

What's the story like? Are you satisfied with what you did finish?

Sorry about WriMo, bro. If it's any consolation, I have to pop an aneurism just to get a 7,000 word chapter out in a week.

Well, just remember that, despite the snark in your post, you do in fact inspire people. :twilightsmile:

Never stop being you, AB. :raritywink:

You gonna post it... :raritydespair: (face non relevant)

I was laughing so hard at that first part. Then you got all serious and gave me feels... well, no, not really, since I don't know anyone who actually behaves like that (some just do it for the laughs).

Do tell us if you ever publish anything, though. I'd love to read more of your work, pony or not.

you know what you can do now? write the epilogue for The Immortal Game that we've been waiting for over two months now...
if that's alright with you...

Is it bad that I laughed at this blog entry more than about 4/5 of the stories here with the "comedy" tag slapped on them?

Anyway... epilogue pls? (insert filly Twi face here)

Your brilliance knows no bounds!

I feel ya. I'm still trying to slog through the last bits of Nanowrimo after my motivation crashed partway through.

Still, 40k more you have written now than you did before, right?

You have created. Whether or not you reached the point you set out to does not change the fact that, incomplete or complete as the work may be, there is a something where before there was nothing. No shame, boyo.

TIG is the focus now?!
There is much rejoicing!
(You may remember me as the crazy guy who got up at 5 to bug his parents to drive him to the mall to mooch off their wifi to read the final chapter. Or you may not.)

557065
A story is just never perfect the first time I get it down on paper. Right now this one has viewpoint shifts in the middle of several chapters where I just decide "Maybe it should be first-person instead" and then ten pages later decide to switch back. I've got a huge list of notes for things I'm going to change when I come back to do edits. It would be great if I could just do everything right the first time, but hey, that's not how it works.

557108
Oh, there's more on the way.

557196
I find a lot of pony stories with the comedy tag takes a funny premise, then fail to really keep a comedic atmosphere. Coming up with the idea and then writing the story isn't enough.

557200
That's because I'm Aesthetic-Fucking-B, bitches!

557201
That's pretty much how I'm trying to see things. It cost nothing to compete, and I now have the first fourth of a story.

557292
Good point. There's a reason why things are revised.

The first version of my original story... *shivers*

Well this is long winded, but please bear with me.

It's always good to come to terms with a personal fiasco from time to time. Thinking about this situation you were in sounds particularly dreadful, considering the premise of it, but overcoming it is more or less, human nature. I'm glad you've gotten past this issue for the time being, but to assume this won't resurface is a bold hypothesis. Anyhow, self-criticism isn't so much of an issue of those around you, but rather your own. Saying I can see myself in your shoes is impossible, as you are AestheticB and I'm myself, but to come to this dividing road every once in a while of questioning what you really expect out of yourself really strikes a tune with my own experiences. Considering that I generally strive for goals that would be ostentatious at the very least, such as being successful in writing :rainbowlaugh:, sometimes there is a point where I undergo an agonistic cycle of self-hate and beration. It sucks, to say the least, and after some time, I'm for the better or the worse. To look at you at this point in your life, from the limited perspective of your blogs and writing, you have enormous expectations to meet, both of your own and your viewers. If you come to the end of this road a better person, then that's fantastic! Well there's the end of my own take of what you've put to the eyes of many, but I'll jubilantly anticipate the arrival of that epilogue :pinkiehappy:.

i.imgur.com/U8NwS.png
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw4402-0_DO_IT_FILLY.jpg
This is why I've never done NaNoWriMo. I cannot write quickly for the life of me. Maybe after I graduate in May.

Okay, that boasting got old REAL quick.:ajbemused:
But you are kinda awesome.:twilightsmile:
...
Oh wait, that arrogance is how you WERE.:facehoof: Man I always miss those details.
Heh, I'm an idiot.:derpytongue2:
And you're still awesome.:rainbowdetermined2:

When people read a really good fic it creates a sense of excitement, and a feeling of euphoria. They then feel the need to express themselves but usually lack the patience or skill to properly express themselves which leads to the generic "moar" comment even if it is inappropriate. (Including me.) It's good to feel proud of yourself, you earned it, but don't let it negatively affect you or your character. Thank you for your dedication, you give thousands of people a sense of excitement and adventure with your stories.

I've done NaNoWriMo twice now, and yeah it's hard. In fact, I didn't do it this year because I knew how hard it could be and I knew I had other stuff I was doing that would make it impossible for me. While I'm not a student, I do have a contract that consistently starts in late October, which means I'm settling into a new job with new hours and new challenges at the same time that I'm writing 1700 words a day. Last year it worked in my favor, giving me focus, and I got a workable high-fantasy story. Ironically it was my first NaNo that I had the most free time to write with, and the novel I produced was 100,000 words of bizarre philosophical meandering and weird UST.

40,000 words in a busy month is nothing to sneer at. You didn't beat the challenge, but you did get something out of it: Experience. Try again next year with a clearer view of what has to be done to make it happen. Also, I've been told that ninjas are the answer to all your writing problems.

Side note: an Immortal Game epilogue is something I am very much looking forward to.

557040

So basically, my dear and most favorite author - you were possessed by the spirit of Rainbow Dash during this event, overloaded on your own Cool J, took prolific naps, and much like the tortoise and the hare - ended up not crossing the finish line in time despite being fantastically over-skilled for the contest?

I say, this is forgivable. You've learned from it, and realized you need to look back on what made you great to begin with rather than sitting on a throne of accomplishments without adding to said comfy chair.

557393
It's good to question and decide what you really expect out of yourself, I think. Otherwise everyone else will fill in that gap and you'll up doing something you don't really want to do.

557416
When my schedule let things fall into place I feel like I did pretty well, but I hear you on the graduating thing. It's always nice to find more time to write.

557455
I was never actually that arrogant. Please don't take that seriously.

557517
Starting anything new—job, school, even holidays—will destroy my ability to write for at least a week. Just change, in general, will hurt my drive, and I'll need time to adjust. I'll look into the ninja thing, but given that they're ninjas I'm not sure if I'll find anything...

557520
It is nice to have the ol' FimFiction account to fall back on when I fail. Show me, FimFiction, that I am not worthless!

557723
That's a valid point. Falling into a cycle of attempting to please everyone, including yourself, churns out a vexed party or another in the end.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Aesthetic learned humility. :trixieshiftleft:

...holy fucking shit. :trixieshiftright:


Can this adonis retain no flaws? dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Trixie_lolface_2.png

I started fencing (as in with swords, not walls...) a few years ago. I got really good, and quickly became the best epee fencer in the club. Then the others start to get better while I stayed at the same skill level. After a few weeks of them kicking my ass, I learned to stop believing I was the best. When you stop believing that your better than everyone else and accept the fact that you still have a lot to learn, that's the first step to becoming even better.

Your failure will ring throughout the ages, AestheticB.

If that's who you really are.

You'll make the history books, but not in the way you would have liked: children will be told stories of your crushing inability to meet the deadline as a cautionary tale of reaching too far, too fast, and yet paradoxically not fast enough.

In time, you will become the new Icarus.

I hope that your brief flight was worth the long fall.

You sir. You. I don't remember if I told you or not, but after that conversation with you about your keyboard and the dvorak layout, I actualy swapped my keyboard to dvorak. Now that christmas is rolling around and my family still thinks they should get me gifts, I'm wondering.... How awesome is that DasKeyboard? I'm really thinking about getting that blank one. SO. SEXY.

On a slightly more related note I think you would be infinitely funnier if you were publicly arrogant. Then again, you might grate on my nerves a bit, so maybe private arrogance is better. Grass is greener, ya'know?

Hey AB, this blog is almost a fucking novel, and it sure made me understand this.
You know... I'm a great fiction-writer, but as you can see, I lack the English. It'd be awesome to write fanfictions but with this English, it's never gonna happen.
I mean seriously, my teacher said that one of my short stories could be a great start for a novel. I wrote at least 6000 words with a PEN (my hand hurt pretty much) when others wrote only from 150 to 300 words... they kept me crazy because of that. lol

And you are a great inspiration for me with my reading, you did make the first fic I ever read... and since then I've been reading more and more every day.
I just thank you now.

557723 What's this "take that seriously" you speak of?:trollestia:

Really, I pity you for not being able to properly pity me.

dl.dropbox.com/u/5331373/memes/Rainbow%20Laugh.gif
That was one of the funniest blogs I read in a while. :rainbowlaugh: Too bad you failed NaNoWriMo, though. :pinkiesad2:

that was hilarious!:rainbowlaugh: sorry about NaNoWriMo though, even if i only barely know what it's about.

Know the feeling Aesthetic, also failed Nano at about 41k words because I started too late and generally overestimated my ability to write.

No one likes failure, but only a few have a pathological need to succeed. Many of these people are arrogant, all of them are driven to extremes not to lose. Some of them become great (like a Micheal Jordan). Others burn out under the weight of their own expectations.

I like the fact you poked a bit of fun at yourself in the first 3/4ths of this blog. It's obvious none of that is you but it's still funny.

Praise is nice though isn't it? But anyone trying to become better should never enjoy the smoke blown up their ass. I think you know this though, and because of that I know whatever project you tackle will not come without some success. Even failing to meet the quota for the NNWM taught you a little something, and that in itself is a positive.

Keep on trucking, AstheticB.

So, bladecasting 2.0 coming up?

558012
No. Don't you dare. Your mind does not have the capacity to properly empathize the inner meaning of that word. It is for the privileged few carrying the divine disposition of Indifference. For those of us who channel the inner meaning of Apathy. Next time, think your choices through, is the pain of imitating the tongue of those above you worth the bliss of a few seconds?

It's a pity that you will never know the Passion.

Waiting patiently? Pfft. Try waiting impatiently. That's what I've been doing, at least. That, and avoiding finishing the next part of my own fic.

So, yeah. You suck, you magnificent godly genius.

45th? Don't mind if i do!:trollestia:

Anyhow I am not truly talented however I have had a small part of the feeling:

What? I'm acctually good at something? No I'm not.

I don't know if anypony else ever gets this feeling ( Except maybe for Twi in TIG)
But thing is every time I create something I see a million flaws where others do not.

Perhaps it is because I see what could have been and how it was in my mind.

Anyhow sry for bothering you all with deep thoughts. But hay it happens to everypony even me sometimes bye!

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