Rainb0w's One Chapter Review: Fallout Equestria Dead Tree · 2:23pm Feb 4th, 2021
[Adult story embed hidden]
Posted here since the author is silencing critique of their story
And threatening to sue me for defamation and slander 
As part of my research for my own Fallout Equestria story, I've been thumbing through a lot of fallout Equestria stories as well as reading the original. The first one on my list to read was Dead Tree by
Fiaura
And I gotta say I really wanna know what is going on with the MC in this first chapter.
The parts must be disassembled 10mm pistols! Without a word I ran over to the box, sat down, and started to parcel out metal bits. The two zebras and the griffin took the intact pistols to check them. The sound of clips being loaded made my skin crawl.
Once the pistol was together, it looked like it was fresh off the factory floor. I felt a deep satisfaction as I loaded rounds into a clip.
The sound of loading clips made her skin crawl but then feels satisfaction when she loads her own?
The glint belonged to a set of pony skeletons at the bottom of the pool. I stood there, transfixed upon them. My knees started to shake and my stomach began churning. There were dead ponies in the water with me. Or at least their skeletons? Where and when am I? I thought my PipBuck dates were out of whack? Could it really have been that long?
The darker zebra looked around as he took to his hooves and sighed. “Great. I’m soaked to the bone in a cave with a bunch of strangers. One of which I’m convinced is responsible for me being here.” He shot me a look of suspicion that still could kill any pony with his good eye. How do I convince him I’m not responsible?
“Don’t dwell on that right now silly, focus on getting out of here. Who knows, stay on their good side and they might just become your friends,” the voice from the tank echoed in my head.
Great… Now I’m talking to voices in my head. The griffin and black-striped zebra took a minute to review their surroundings. As they did so, my focus returned to the pony skeletons in the water that my hoof was now resting against. Yeah, those are skeletons of ponies, and they’re definitely REAL!
I’d never seen a dead pony —nor their skeletons —much less a pile of them laid completely bare. By the way my hoof felt against its skull, they seemed real too. I wasn’t sure if I should inspect them closer for curiosity’s sake or scream. The diamond dog growled at something behind me and made the decision for me.
“C-c-corpses!” I screamed out at the top of my lungs, backpedaling as fast as my waterlogged legs could take me. The sounds of movement and awkward silence between the creatures was shattered with the ear piercing shriek of a terrified filly. Also known as: me.
looks at skeletons, feels uneasy, looks to zebra who is talking, listens to voice in head, reflect on never seeing a dead pony, wonder if she should inspect it, THEN decides to scream?
That's a lot of time to pass between "Seeing dead pony" and "Freaking out about dead pony"
This isn't the first time she does this weird reaction either
The room was so much larger than I thought, a fact that was somewhat concealed by these three around me until I finally got clear of them. My jitters only got worse when the griffin and black-striped zebra squared up in the water and began to stare each other down.
Oh no, do they actually dislike each other? Have I been dropped into a friendship camp by the Ministry of Morale!? Oh, please, don’t start fighting. The tension in the room was starting to build. It was clear somepony or another was going to strike, and soon.
Wanting to avoid being caught in the middle of it, I backed into a large brown rock and came to a sudden stop. The sudden bump caused a ballistic glass visor to slap down over my eyes and nearly popped me in the nose.
It was then I realized that my barding had changed drastically. Something felt off in the space between my flanks and the rock. I looked over my sides and noticed a leather duster was hooked into the barding over my stable-suit. It felt rough against my coat and flanks. I will admit the extra coverage would be wonderful once it dries off. Especially if it turned out to be cold outside.
Uneasy because zebras are about to fight, wonder if they dislike eachother, wonder if she's in a friendship camp, wishes they don't fight, backs up into a rock to avoid being around them and then "my duster can help me when I'm cold"
Just kills the tension, same with the secret door
“Hurry up in there! My feathers don’t know how long that plank will hold or if the little one will be able to keep the torch lit,” he said to Chifundo, Buddy, and the box pony. I still cannot believe that some pony was under a box and that was all I knew them by.
“Hey, how long have I been dead?” the disembodied voice asked.
Chifundo started to think about it and got a date. “I would guess about 3 years, if I can trust my eyes and ears.” The thought hit me like a sack of bricks.
Is he really that Insane? No, he can’t be, I heard the voice too. Think on this later, get them out of this door slamming situation.
“How long has it been since the megaspells went off?” I slowly spoke between the torch in my lips to make sure I could be understood. The pony under the box, who was the first to get out of the room, seemed to tilt its head. Don’t ask how I know that, just the way the box over it moved.
“Like, 180 years ago,” the box pony had a certainty to them; like they were either playing an elaborate joke or dead serious. At that moment the realization slammed into me like a brick wall.My jaw was dropped to the floor and my eyes felt like they were bulging from my skull. The sound of the torch that had been in my mouth hitting the floor echoed through the room.
“How... what... I....” I couldn’t find words, my mind was completely blown. 180 years? What the BUCK!? How in Celestia’s Glorious Sunbutt Flanks did that happen? How could that happen? Was the date in my PipBuck actually accurate? I was brought back to reality by the dropped torch slowly starting to burn against my coat. I yelped and jumped away, the torch above sputtered and died with a sizzle.
There was a creak as the door began to squeeze on the heavy timber. Alguacil threw his shoulder into it as the timber started to groan and crack under the weight of the door. “HURRY UP!” the Griffin growled out as he strained against the rock. Buddy scrambled around, kicking aside piles of bones and the refuse of knows how many ponies that had been buried alive there.
Secret door is about to close, two characters holding it open, real tense shit, but then "lets have a casual conversation about a character being dead for 3 years and OH MY GAWB IT'S BEEN THAT LONG SINCE THE BOMBS?!"
What a weirdly out of place conversation. In fact this whole chapter is just weird and out of place. The pacing is stiff, self-conscious, and unnatural. Things happen or get brought up that don't get explained. The main character's thoughts and opining go from corny, to knowing something, to not knowing anything. I know you're trying to go for the "woke up with amnesia" angle, but the story is written in first person past tense so you'd imagine this is a story that your main character is telling to the reader, so at the moment of writing the story she would know what has happened and should have the foresight to explain things to the reader in a way that is compelling and easy to follow; but she's doing a real bad job at it. So to the reader It's just a bunch of floating heads.
A pony in a pod, a voice in her head, a couple zebras, a pony in a box, a gryphon, and a diamond dog wake up in a puddle at the bottom of a vaguely described hole after the MC flees a vault and a pair of eyes squint at her.
But that's what happens when you try to write a story based around something as open-ended and disorderly as a TTRPG. Sure, you've got an endless stream of loosely-connected content which is fine for a game setting, but narratively it's just cheap and lazy. You go into a narrative with a plan. "This is what I want to happen in the story", you go into a TTRPG wondering what is going to happen. You're at the mercy of the DM and they story THEY had planned. If you're the DM though, it's still the same case, because even if you have a general idea of how you want the story to go, you're at the mercy of your players. As someone who plays TTRPGs myself, I can attest to the fact that they go off the rails all the time. Because people are trying to have fun with their characters, they aren't trying to write a story. It's like, yeah you got a lot of content created from a roleplay session, but then you have to go through the effort of trying to string a coherent story out of all the craziness of the session and then you come up with, well, chapter one of Fallout Equestria: Dead Tree
I'm trying to give this story a chance. I'm trying to like it, but the story's not letting me. There's something wrong with it fundamentally. It's like a roller-coaster ride that keeps starting to go fast then abruptly halting on the tracks. It's giving me whiplash. 
Yeah, it's understandable. If enemy would be loading a gun that would unnerve me. But I would be happy any weapon to fight back.
As for the rest: too long, didn't read.
P.S. Some author are quite protective of their stories.
I never got into foe but I think i’ll give it a try. Looks interesting.
5447432
Fanfiction is SRS BIZNS, but you don't see me threatening to sue EqD for not giving me asspats for Our Day in Disdain
Maybe Show the real reason why:
https://twitter.com/Fiaura_Tanks/status/1357293903943061507
If you're going to lie about something, make sure the person you are lying about can't see it.
5447472
Damn, I guess it’s easy to frame things without context.
5447546
My personal relationship with Fiaura has no bearing on the fact that this person threatened to SUE me because they didn't like a negative review I left about their story.
That is insanity
I don’t quite think something like this warrants a lawsuit
5447576
It doesn't, it's a reasonable review that says nothing negative about the person who wrote it. I criticized the story based on the merits of the story and nothing else. But some authors take fanfic super seriously and equate criticism on their story as personal attacks
Not the first time it's happened as well
Nvm, just someone causing Drama yet again.