Epic Rap Battles of Equestria: Pharynx Elytron V.S. Ocellus Iris · 4:44pm Jan 28th, 2021
“Why do you have to be so annoying?”
“Hey! I’m just trying to explain it to you! The history of the language is-”
“Long and boring. Also, unnecessary to learn.”
“...Fascinating and intriguing.”
“‘Fascinating’ and ‘intriguing’ mean the same thing!”
“Exactly! And since Thorax asked us to find something to teach the nymphs later today, we should teach them about the old tongue!”
“How is that better than teaching them about physical combat?”
“We won’t get bruised teaching it to them, and we’ll have them speaking the Old Changeling Tongue by in fine diei et lectionem.”
“Seriously? You act like non possum dicere lingua nostra.”
“I know you can speak it, which means we’ll both have an input on the subject!”
“No way! We’re teaching them physical combat.”
“No, we’re teaching them the Old Changeling Tongue!”
“Okay, that’s it! If you care about words so much why don’t we see who’s better at throwing them! I challenge you to a rap battle!”
“You’re on! Winner gets to pick what we teach the nymphs!”
*Pops up out of nowhere* “Yay! Another one! But first, remember, this is a rap battle. That means no weapons. That means you, Pharynx. Drop ‘em.”
“Ugh, fine.” *metal clanging down onto the ground*
*Examines large pile of weapons* “All of them, Pharynx.”
*A loud crash of metal hitting metal* “Happy?”
*Laughs*
“Great! Now… Epic Rap Battles Of Equestria! Pharynx Elytron! V.S Ocellus Irisss! Begin!”
Listen close, you may be older
But right now I have to be bolder
My idea’s most important here and now
And I’m going to show you how
It’s important for our young to learn about the old days
To know their past and celebrate the ways
How we used to act, we used to speak
So what if that time was a little bleak?
Now hold up, that’s where you’re wrong
Surely it’s better to teach them to be strong
The past is in the past, don’t get that mixed up
Those nymphs are our present, teacup
Teaching them to fight is the better option
So if I were you I’d take caution
Would you rather they’re not able to defend themselves
And leave them like you, to cower in their shells?
Hey! Now there’s no need to get rude,
I’m not looking to start a feud
I’m just trying to make my case like you
So shut up and let me through
Language is the driving key behind culture
It’s not my fault you don’t appreciate, you vulture
The younger you learn the easier it will be to grasp
Unlike you, old bug, oh don’t even gasp!
First off, I’m not that old
But sure, if you’re gonna be bold
Then I guess it’s time for the gloves to come off
I’ll run you into the ground then stand there and scoff
Which, in fact is the point I’m trying to make
They’re better off fighting, who cares what they break?
Nymphs need to learn at one point or another
Fighting will get you further than being smothered
Or so you say but if you try my way
It can beat out whatever you have to say
There’s really no use debating
This is getting grating
I’ve weighed the scales already
And your plan’s looking unsteady
Teaching language is culturally valuable
How will fighting ever be applicable?
Let’s say the nymphs get attacked by intruders
If no guards were around they’d need sutures
I’d rather they could keep themselves protected
Then risk a situation where they’re affected
Self-defense can’t be neglected
And it’s not something I’ll let go rejected
So if you try to argue just one more time
I’ll beat you in this stupid game of rhyme
You know what? I’ll take that chance
My lesson plan deserves to keep it’s stance
I don’t care what other arguments you make
My language lesson is at stake
And you’re not the only one who’s got dirt
I’ve got plenty of stuff on you I’m willing to blurt
Even though, unlike you, I actually bathe
I still have plenty of dirt saved
Okay, then I guess it’s okay
If I tell your friends that in the Old Days
You snuck into Canterlot
And stole a newspaper instead of bought!
I’ve got far worse stuff on you than that
It’s just a warning, I’d rather not stay and chat
So excuse my “vulgarity that belongs in a pig trough”
But could you please buck off?!
I would, trust me, if I had a choice
I’d have been out of here the minute I heard your voice
But someone has to make sure the nymphs learn
And they’ll learn the right things if we stick to my terms
I could talk for hours about, oh I don’t know
A certain thing that definitely isn’t just for show?
Like a little black and purple dragon plush?
I know enough about Night Fury to make you blush
“H-Hey!” *Blushing*
Oh, so that’s the way you want to go?
Well I know things too, you know
Like that you enjoy being with a certain dragoness?
And how she calls you her Queen, not princess
*Blushes furiously* “H-How do you know about that?! Arghh!”
W-We don’t have time to trade insults right now!
We’re teaching those nymphs and I’m not going to bow
To your idea of a good lesson
The class will be an Old Tongue session
And once again you’ve broken your streak
For once you’re not right, and your retorts are weak
I’d see better if battled my brother
To me, you’re just one another
For the last time, the only one that makes sense
Is having the lesson be on self defense
It’s the most logical class
And if you don’t like it you can kiss my ass
Oh, you didn’t just say that!
We’re teaching language and that’s a fact!
If you really hate it so much then just don’t come!
As a matter of fact it’ll be better without you there being glum
We could always do without your bad attitude
You would totally kill the mood
So if you really feel so strong about which lesson to teach
Then don’t show up so I can give my language speech
Oh, sure, fine, I’ll just stay out of your way-not!
I’m winning this fight so give it all you’ve got!
But you’re on the right track, just don’t bother to show!
I can use someone else to demonstrate the killing blow
I’m sure you’d rather not educate the kids
If I’m teaching how to fight, Hivemother forbid
So I guess this means I’ve won this battle
Not a surprise, it was just a bunch of prattle
Hold it! I’m not letting you win!
So just wipe away that grin!
You’ll corrupt their poor little minds
And then I’ll be left with a mess to unwind
Language and culture is the safer bet
Just listen to me and we’re all set
Now come on, we’ve wasted enough time
We have to go teach the nymphs before their playtime
Before we do, just one last thing
Do you even have material to bring?
I’m all set for my lesson, it’s been planned
What do you have set up, an information stand?
I have a lecture already prepared
I figured the plan should’ve been shared
Honestly I thought you’d be on board
But clearly you’d rather fight with a sword
Yeah, because your talk would just put them to sleep
Don’t you know by now that talk is cheap?
If you’re so set on the lesson being language practice
Then prove to me you don’t need fighting tactics
“What?! I’m not doing that!”
“Then do you forfeit?”
“No!”
I’m seeing this through until I get my way!
So just go off and mope in a cloud of gray
Language is what we’re teaching, that’s final
Now let’s go, this battle is no longer vital
There’s only one way this is ending and it’s mine!
You’ve done it now and crossed a line
We’re teaching self-defense, that’s that
Once again, you’ve mixed up your facts
“Okay, that’s it! I’m telling Thorax you’re not cooperating!”
“Tell him whatever you like, that’ll just leave me to teach the nymphs.”
“Oh no no no! We’re teaching them my idea!”
“Oh come on, I clearly won the battle!”
“No, I did!”
“Oh, you wanna find out who won?!”
“You know what? Sure!”
“Wait, guys, I said no weapons!”
“Shut up!”
“Oh… okay… uh… well, that’s all for now, hope you enjoyed, who do you think won? Now I better separate them… or call for Thorax and get some popcorn…”
Who won?
Ooooh! I likey!
5443432
Yay! Who do you think won?
5443433
Mmm.. Pharynx. Only because of A. Profanity, and B. that skit at the beginning
5443434
Fine...Thoraaaaaxxx! *summons popcorn* he'll be here in a sec
5443435
Solid reason!
*fighting intenses*
5443437
Heh... hey guys, whoever wins gets three dollars!
5443440
*Fighting intenses even more*
"Surrender you weakling!"
"No way, I'm winning!"
5443439
I think he was hoping they'd bond, not break bones
"What in the world?! What happened?!"
Rap battle *calmly eats popcorn* they tend to get out of hoof
5443442
I want in on this too! Whoever wins gets to YEET the other to Ponyville!
*Fighting gets louder*
5443443
You're not supposed to interrupt the ones battling. Besides, since Pharynx dropped his weapons, Ocellus can grab them. They'll be fine
"Guys, stop fighting!"
5443441
5443442
Okay! Whoever wins gets a pack of definitely not poisoned gummy worms and twenty (literal) bucks!
5443446
*Grabs a sword*
*Grabs a mace*
5443447
Okay! But no poisoning the contestants please?
5443449
You can't, you're not participating. And I won't let you eat them if they might be poisoned *tosses gummy worms at him* eat these
5443452
Oh no you don't! *Pushes away* I meant in the rap battle, anyway
5443448
5443449
I just said they weren’t poisoned lol
I mean, except for all diabetes in them.
5443454
Fair enough.
"Why are you three just standing there?! Pharynx! Ocellus! Stop!"
They can't hear you Thorax
5443455
If you want, you and I could fight
5443460
*In flash of light is decked out in purple and black armor complete with sword, crossbow, daggers, and bow with quiver of arrows* unlikely
5443456
K. *passes them over*
5443457
Thorax, get of your fat ass, and beat them with the beat sticks I made for Bez. Only way to assert your dominance is to beat them like a drunk dad.
5443462
"What?! I'm not doing that! Even if they are acting like nymphs..."
5443463
Eh
5443465
"No! Ocellus! Pharynx! Come on, you're going to get hurt!"
5443464
Fine...
I’ll do it myself
5443468
5443469
"No! Ocellus! Pharynx!" *tries to get closer*
5443470
Imma beat dem asses *CHARGES WITH THE BEAT STICKS*
5443471
"No!!"
*Grabs him in her magic* Hero, no, that's your papa and Ocellus, and for some reason your uncle doesn't want you hurting them
5443472
Hmph... can I beat someone with these sticks at least?
5443474
Uh...*makes Orchid appear* have at it
5443476
Yay! Assault!
5443477
Go ahead! Now we have something else to watch while Thorax separates those two
5443479
K
5443481
Okay
*Manages to separate Pharynx and Ocellus*
It’s a tie both have very valid arguments what they should do is combine them by teaching them how to say the words while learning to defend themselves not many would know the old tongues which in itself would be a great asset in a fight as they can communicate in a way others can’t
5443492
Actually that's a good solution. I'll let Thorax know so they can still do that class
*Reprimanding Pharynx and Ocellus*
Teleports in booping both pharynx and ocellus.
Hey you know you could do both right by teaching them the old tongue names for the stances and weapons while helping show the value of it by communicating against them in a training exercise and they have to learn what your saying in order to win.
Oh btw pharynx you owe 30 bits to the swere jar
5443497
"What swear jar and don'tdo that."
"Actually....he makes a good point. But I wanted to teach the nymphs words that preferably didn't involve violence."
5443499
Easy they have to pass tests in order to learn more moves from pharynx thus they have improve the vocabulary of the old tongue. Also pharynx it’s don’t swere in front of nymphs jar and they was watching your rap battle and the fight
5443499
Also. Triple boops pharynx’s snoot
5443501
"The nymphs are in the nursery, and if you meant Hero and Heath they don't count."
"That is a good idea though..."
5443502
"I will end you."
5443504
Yup also it’s kinda obvious you have a girlfriend ocellus
5443505
Then put your blade and words to the test or do you think you would lose to a pest
5443506
"Huh?" *Blushing*
"Um...anyway, do you two think you can try mixing your lessons?"
*They look at each other and then nod*
5443505
(Ngl these are so fun to read but I suck at rapping it took me 3mins to just rhyme a challenge just now)
5443508
"I'm not battling you now, we have nymphs to teach."
5443510
(I used Google for their rhymes, I get it)
5443514
How’s that work also
I wonder if anyone got the dmc5 reference I made with the first comment
5443515
I didn't get it, sorry
And this website called Rhymezone
5443516
Sweet
5443517
Yeah
5443516
towards the end of the game Dante and Virgil are about to kill each other in a epic sword fight when Nero lands between them in his devil form with both arms and spectral arms stopping them via a punch to the face which Red just did with boops
5443518
Though ngl I sooo wanna have a literal fight during a rap fight it just seems so badass in my head
5443520
Ah
5443521
That would be cool, though I've found moving around quickly while trying to sing makes you either lose your breath faster or lose your concentration