Hey... · 1:20am Jan 20th, 2021
So...been a short while.
Don't rightly have much or anything to say, but I will start by saying that I do have some bad and potentially worse news.
I stumbled upon this in an old chat in the Fimfiction Discord server, about an old story I posted in 2019. The part about ''my favourite character will comfort my terminally ill teenage self'' isn't strictly true at all, but I get what they were saying and where they were coming from. Apparently, these stories used to be a big thing. I was not aware of that at all. Well, I wanted to try talking about this story a little to explain myself.
For lack of a better way to start talking about it, I'm going to start by saying this story came to me in a time when I was confused, downright perplexed about what was going on with me. While it is true that Fluttershy is my favourite main character, it's definitely not a crush. She fit in well with the role the main protagonist had, so it was more out of natural selection than anything else.
Secondly, I have not been doing great. It's part of the reason I've been miserable and upset lately, but I want to tell you about it. I had a severe case of acid reflux last March or May (I forget, my head was spinning) and it basically destroyed the lining of my throat and has done untold damage to my internals and digestive tract. In other words, it feels like my insides have been mauled by a blender made out of sulphuric acid.
Each time I cough, it's always hard, haggard and raw. It's incredibly painful, and that would understandably put anybody in a shitty, sour mood. I still don't know the full extent of the damage, and it would have been sorted long before now if it weren't for this retarded virus horse shit the world is trying to fight off. So, being stuck like this for an undetermined amount of time isn't doing it any favours. I hardly eat or drink because of it.
Other than that, there's one issue I'm far from comfortable talking about and then there's an issue with my lungs, hence the constant coughing. If you're wondering what that has to do with anything, as a symptom of acid reflux, it's called haematemesis, meaning vomiting/coughing blood. One of the most painful things I've ever felt. I've spent a long time being terrified of it meaning a death sentence given there are so many unknowns. There were times in college when I began feeling sick and nauseous, often tasting copper in the back of my throat and I had no clue why. Still, even when I told my tutor(s) about it, they didn't really say much about it. Kinda hurt, honestly.
The whole point of One Last Request was me trying to cope with the fact that if it was severe to the point of whatever it is being terminal, I wanted to make some sweetness out of it in the form of classic HiE, with Fluttershy. I've genuinely had these nightmares before where gaining an incurable illness killed me, and the most terrifying part about all of that is you never know how long you've got.
My biggest fear out of everything in the possibilities range is cancer. That's likely most everybody's biggest and worst fear. I dealt with it trying to comfort myself with a bittersweet story with twists of romance. That's all I know how to do.
If I'm being perfectly honest right here, I had narrowed down the way I'd die to being one of the following:
- Cancer
- Car Crash
- Suicide
- Drowning/Suffocating
And the third one? Yup, that almost happened. Do not recommend it. 
So, yes, I've been beyond stressed about it and keeping it to myself because I knew literally nobody wanted to hear about it. Even if they did, there's nothing that they can do. It sucks, but that's the way it is. At this point, I'm now hardly able to talk at all. I can barely speak up. My throat is like a rusty cheese grater. Being scared isn't a thing I normally admit to, so me telling you this is because I have nothing left to lose by spilling it. I literally don't care about hiding it after sharing it with friends first.
I don't know what I'm going to do, but that apparently doesn't even matter anyway. That's me done, I think. In other words: Well, shit.
Lastly, I'm going to end by saying sorry about the previous post and being a bit of a twat waffle, especially to some friends who have genuinely been the only thing keeping my will to live going when things got truly shitty. It wasn't meant to single any person out, and I do feel like an arse over it. 
So, yeah....
==============
Peace and love,
- FireRain 💛
And no, in case you were thinking it, as far as I know, I don't have covid. If I did, in my current state, I think I'd be dead already.
For real, if I had One Last Request in my real life, it would be this: To spend the day with my family. My real family, that is. I have not many people left in my life I consider family or that I talk to, but it would be that. From a time when I actually enjoyed living and I smiled a lot. That would be all I'd want.
I'm so sorry to hear about your condition and if at all possible, I wish you a speedy recovery.
It sucks that you had to go through all this.
Stories are a reflection of someone's life.
You can write what you want, expectations be damned.
If anyone forgets, this is a forum where grownups write stories about magical ponies.
That condition with your lungs doesn't sound good. Sorry I was not around for you to bounce feelings off.
What's causing the acid reflux? That's the question. I know of a PhD doctor whose career is all about gut health. He's actually local and we've said hello a couple of times. He is active on Facebook (even though I don't Facebook myself) and has put together groups and resources. I will send you a PM later with info.
Until next time, man!
I wish you the rest you desire..