Author Update: I'm still around, somehow · 8:11pm Jan 15th, 2021

MacDash because I'm Trash

So... long time no see, and that I'm sorry about.

I could blame it on the year 2020 because everything has been crazy, I could blame it on emotional distress from the election, or a whole other amount of excuses that people would take as plausible excuses, but mostly its because I'm lazy and my heart hasn't really been into it of late and that is something I'm going to go into detail here as this is an update about the author, no matter how undeserving I am of that title.

I have been promising to update Ponyville Bachelor Auction again and again, and I really, really want to update it I just can't find the motivation in it and that is something that has been plaguing me for awhile, hell just look at this update the last time I updated anything was in May of 2020 and that is pretty pathetic. I'm sorry for how long its taking, and how I seem to always be saying its going to come out soon, but I really have no idea when it will becoming out because I don't even have the heart to open the document to even update it. My love of writing, my love of anything seems to be shriveling up more and more each day and its some that scares me, but I don't care enough to do anything about.

Like many people out there I lost my job this year with Enterprise Rent-A-Car which was a blessing and curse. Anyone who knows me personally knew how much I hated that job. Everyday I hated going to work because I hated my job. People there also knew I hated my job, but I did it well and I was just too lazy to find another job. So when the virus finally made it where they had to let me go, I was okay with it, thinking I would find work again soon... which I have and haven't. Thankfully I am one of those people who saves constantly, and I have money put away to keep me afloat for a good long while. I'm a penny pincher and thus I can still live a good life even without work, even though I am sad without. I love to work, I love having a drive, and I love to be making money. I know capitalist is a evil word to most people here, but that is what I am, I love to make money and now not having many incomes it depresses me.

I did get a job with a stock broker company which really excited me and I was able to do for three months, before I dropped the ball and failed an exam and they had to let me go. It has amazes me how many people have told me how wrong that is, that the company is evil for doing such a thing and that I should have my job, when really they did the right thing. They told me I needed to pass this exam and I agreed to pass the exam and I failed to keep up my end of the bargain, so I lost my job. It was nothing evil of the company that I was with, and when I was with them they treated me very well, its just my fault for not being bright enough to keep the job.

Then the whole thing with the election has been a shit show and a half. I'm not going to say who I voted for, because it doesn't matter. Both sides want to demonize the other and its coming to a point I have seen in history text books over and over again, and I just don't care anymore. I really don't. No one is willing to come to the table and compromise its a us vs them mind set now and if you don't totally agree with either side they label you and cut off all reactions with you. The last time this happen to me was during the Obama vs. McCain election, and my best friend from kindergarten cut off all ties with me, acting as though he didn't know who I was, which hurt me because at the time he was my only friend.

Now this whole shitstorm is happening again, and I just can't care about any of it.

Writing used to be something I enjoyed, something I could do for hours, that filled me with energy and the idea that one day I could be a novelist, but now... this is the most I have written in a single sitting in a long time.

But, that is not what I believe in and I'm going to change.

I try to make model myself after people I admire being that of Abraham Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt, Jim Butcher, Captain America, my dad, my grandfather, and my great grandfather. They are the ones I have learned from, the ones who set the foundation of who I am today, and who I should be.

Life sucks. Its horrible. Your entitled to nothing in this life, not even your own life. What matters is how you live your life, and what happens when the whole world stands against you and there is no where else to go. I know what I want out of life, I have just been to scared, too shallow, too selfish, and too pathetic to reach for it, but now I need to. I'm tired of just living as a shadow, a side character in other people's story, I want to be the main character damn it! That is what I am going to strive to do now.

Besides, 2020 was not all bad for me. I have found new shows, new fandoms, and new friends to help me through it. I have fallen in love with the world of D&D, My Hero Academia, and probably most questionable of all Warhammer 40k ~~Glory to the Man Emperor of Mankind you Filthy Heathens~~ .

There has been joy in my life, with all the bad and while those first few paragraphs makes it sound like everything is terrible in my life and I'm depressed, well it might be true in some sorts but I'm not going to focus on the bad, the ugly, and the horrible. I have lived most of my life as a nihilist and pessimist who saw all the dark things in life and none of the good. I don't want to anymore.

I drink no where near what I used to, which I'm very proud of. I haven't had a drink since October and I plan to keep myself dry till the next con I go to, which probably will end with me drunk off my ass after a can of Bud Light. But, I am proud of myself for not drinking anymore and I want to keep my life mostly sober for now on.

I have been reading a lot more as well, having finished some great books in the Caiaphas Cain series from Warhammer which has been such an amazing journey, and has become come of my favorite book series of all time. I have gone back and revisited books that I haven't read in so long and found the joy I got form them again.

This blog is kind of a ramble of thoughts, which hey, it pretty much is, but this is a chance for me to come out of the darkness and I'm going to struggle with that for awhile, but I'm going to keep on moving forward because that is what I must do to be the hero of my story.

So, After all that depressing crap and such in the beginning of this, know I am doing my best to stay on the path of light. The world is going to do its damn best to make everyday crap, and to keep me in the dark because it wants everyone to suffer as much as it, but I'm done suffering, I'm done hiding in the dark.

Today, I'm going to walk in the light.

When the world tells me to move, I'm going to stare the world down and tell them "No, you move"

So here is some art. Its going to be shipping, and you all get to see the ships I have been shipping for awhile now! Yes, MacDash will always be dear to my heart... but that ship is now a submarine... one I am happy to Captain!

Also... what Astartes Chapters that are my favorite.