Plans for 2021, and how 2020 still Preserved my Life · 8:59pm Jan 3rd, 2021
So, I am now here, writing this blog. A little me in a big world. What do I mean, anyway? In general, or to any one of you...?
Oh, well... a lot has changed over the course of the past year, and much of it is still continuing today.
It has not been a good year; you all know the global events that made it so, and while very far from the Worst Year in history some seem to try and make it out to be, it was still a pessimistic, limiting, and most of all, scary and uncertain year. Worry was omnipresent.
In that worry I found recluse, found hobby and fascination, I found the dearest person I've ever met...
That person was promptly snatched from me with extreme violence. But I did not and will not give up. That however, is a story I have told already...
From that moment onwards, everything plummeted to oblivion for me. Well... from that moment on, it became visible. The truth is, it already had been plummeting far before that... but this, this was an emotional breaking point.
I have attempted suicide. You know that already, I think. More than once. Actually, I came close to that a scary amount of times, but there were but two instances when... when it came... very, very close.
And yet, here I am. I have cheated my deceitful mind both times; no, not me. Someone else has, has cheated my own mind for me, both at first, and then, the second time.
Once I began spiralling downwards it was like falling down a pit. It was long before any safety net caught me or even slowed down my descent. But, somehow, such nets finally happened.
And then more, and more, and really many... some more, some less saving.
I won't list them all now. For that, time will yet come, and hopefully, soon. For now, though, I want to list just a few. A few that have stuck with me, or in some other way affected me or that period in my life the most substantially. And... after that... maybe I'll say just a few more words...
-Electric Grace - What am I to say? If you're reading this blog, you already knew you'd be making that list once I first mentioned it, and you knew you'd be the first mentioned - although, really, there is no particular order to this list.
About why I'm mentioning you, you already know far better than I'm ever going to describe, also because it would take pages.
But you've saved my life, lifted me from the mud and stabilised, helped psychologically - and beyond that - to a degree which I cannot describe. There is a lot more to it, and luckily, you know it all already... I don't want to make this blog too long anyway. 
-River Shy - Hey, River. It has been a hard year. There are many reasons for which you are here, and as was with Grace, you already know many of them... as will be the case with all of you here, I believe...
You've done for me a lot more than you realise, and accepting me to hang by your side was truly a gift hard to beat. 
I've learned from you, and you've helped me survive this time. You've saved my life once. You are really, truly impossible to substitute. 
-Sephocolys - Well hello there. How are you? I hope you're holding up well.
There is a lot I could thank you for, truly, amazingly a lot... and yet, you too know it all well by now... don't you...?
You can be incredible so much more than you realise. You've stuck with me, you did not have to. At all. None of you did, but...
I would never have imagined once I'd owe you so much. You stuck with me so firmly, in this and beyond, and I truly hope that can remain so... you too had a doing in saving my own life.
You can say whatever you want. There is a part of you which is irreplaceable, and I believe you know it if you just gaze inside yourself.
-The_Darker_Fonts - Don't worry, this list can't be complete without you at least mentioned.
So very many years have I known you, yes? Does it not seem like so when you think about my first pleads? And it has only been less than half a year...
Fonts, you've been the first in this, the first to help me. And for weeks, you've been the only.
Out of all those early people who reached out to me or to whom I have reached out, you have stuck completely. You are still here firmly. Yes, I may have had doubts regarding that... not always may that have been the case. But you are here, by me still, and my hopes are, you maybe, just maybe, might not be leaving soon...
You've showed me not to be as afraid to seek help. And without help, I would already be lying dead in a grave.
Everyone else, who knows well they have helped me... thanks. Thank you a lot... there is still a lot ahead of me...
I... have grown significantly over the last year, discovered things about myself I hadn't known or voiced before. There is still a long way for me. But... I hope, that... it is finally getting at least somewhat better...
Right now, or soon, though... I want to go back to writing. OSaGA, maybe, but for now, I think some smaller projects and texts of mine I have privately, to maybe go back into it a bit more again... oh, well... we will see!
Thank you all so temendously! I hope we can make this a marvellous Year!
And... you-know-who-you-are...?
We will fix this situation. I promise you, from the depths of my heart. We'll manage to...
You sound a lot more optimistic. I think the real Devonus is beginning to emerge from his shell. All of us are going to be really happy when you finally do, but take your time. We're here, helping you every step of the way. I hope you eventually solve whatever feud really started all of this, too. Have a hug.
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*hugs back*
Thanks...
There is... still a lot for the real Devonus to figure out and work on before he can truly emerge entirely... but he may just be on the right path.
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You'll get there eventually.
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Thanks... hey, I don't fear death anymore! That is good, I think...
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Have a happy new year
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You too, Angel! Have it marvellous!
Hey, maybe we'll yet make it so.
Good on you for pulling through! That sounds like an awfully difficult thing to have done and I think you should be proud of yourself for managing it. Hope things start to go a little uphill, or at least not too badly in the other direction.
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Thanks... I hope so too.
It was difficult, at places... quite extremely. But I am here now. There have been lost things, but I am still here, and hopefully, will remain as so.
I wish you all the best too!