I'm probably not in charge of this for a good reason... · 2:08pm Dec 11th, 2020
If I'm ever the one writing fortune cookie fortunes, they're just going to be an ominous amount of time with no explanation or context.
Imagine it. You finish off some tasty General Tso's chicken, and it's time to crack open dessert. SNAP. The cookie breaks. Pulling out the little slip of paper, you look to see what platitude of generically encouraging Eastern wisdom awaits, but all you get is this:
Three years, ten days, seventeen hours, thirty-six minutes, twenty-four seconds
You stare in confusion. The growing discomfort of lurking silence looms ever more heavily with each moment that ticks by. And suddenly you realize you're sweating, but not because of those little dried red chilis that were in the General Tso's sauce.
Yeah.
Things just got a lot more interesting.
You're welcome.
Just a weird thought I had staying up 'til 6 AM.
I probably shouldn't do that, either, but here we are, so I decided to see if I could write an ultra-mini thing out of it for some practice real quick. Second-person, too! I never do those.
10/10 would definitely save that fortune.
And it turns out it's just how long until you eat at that restaurant again.
Who knows? With the nature of self-fulfilling prophecy, a whole new avenue of internet memes and stories would open up...
Bad Fortunes:
That wasn't chicken.
You will shortly find yourself leaving a large tip.
We stole your car while you were eating.
The chef has cholera. (or Covid if you want to be topical)
That $20 in your wallet is counterfeit.
Nobody is fooled by your toupee
(Hey, I had .fortune in my profile for years)
I’ve heard misfortune cookies are a real thing
.
5413575 I'm sorry, your fortune is in another cookie. Please try again.
I'd just end up writing weird surrealistic Zen stuff.
It becomes a lot more interesting if you come to eat chinese one week later and get the fortune...
Three years, three days, seventeen hours, thirty-six minutes, twenty-four seconds
Other things you wouldn't want to read inside a fortune cookie:
"Please do not eat this cookie."
"I know where you buried the body."
"Only a fool trusts his fate to fortune cookies."
"When life is full of thorns, consider an alternative path."
"The only thing limiting your potential is you. Good luck with that, chumly."
"Size 9 1/2."
"Do not strike a foe in anger. Fucking nail him when he's not looking."
"Happiness is just one step away. Unfortunately, that step is on Planet Not-For-You-Buddy."
"Help help I am being held prisoner this cookie factory is evil and will kill me help help call the pol-"
"You have just eaten a meal."
"Congratulations! It's a boy!"
"The password is 'swordfish'."
"By eating this cookie, you have waived any and all legal right to sue this restaurant."
"Raffle Ticket #666."
"Please ignore this fortune."
Blimey, poor Samara certainly has quite the backlog after her video was uploaded to YouTube.
My first thought: keep the fortune, so whatever it indicates is always three years, ten days, seventeen hours, thirty-six minutes, and twenty-four seconds away.
My second thought: print the fortunes on photosensitive paper so they burn black within seconds of exposure to light.