Dating, Jinglemas, and a Realistic Look at Death

Ok, I'm gonna get the important stuff out of the way first. I won't be able to do the holiday reading because of reasons I can't get into because I fear it would reveal sensitive information about me, but I will still be doing the two stories.

With that out of the way, uh, this post is driven by my own internal suffering and consistent death wish. If you would rather not hear about d#ath and s##cide, then you can skip the rest of this, because I won't be censoring these words out. I know these warnings can get annoying, but I truely care about you guys and would hate for someone to be put in a bad spot because of me. And this posts delves into beliefs about grief that may offend some people. So like, please don't attack me.

In a mentally well, neurotypical person, there are five stars of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. You can go through the stages out of order or some may take longer than others, but it always ends in acceptance. You eventually have to carry on with your life. At some point, the deseased stops being at the center of your thoughts and you shift your energy to other things. Whether that be work, a hobby, other people in your life, or anything in between. They stop thinking about the person who is no longer there.

Which begs the question: What would the world be missing if I died?

I mean, if you're not a CEO, or a world leader (i.e president, prime minister, monarch etc), in some position of government power, or unbelievably rich (Like Bezos or Gates rich), people are just going to forget about you and replace you with someone else.

Sure, more people will remember you once you die. I've never heard someone give a speech at a funeral talking about all the bad shit someone does. You could be the most abusive, narcissistic, psychopathic person to ever walk this earth, and they'll still be 3-4 people who will give a speech about how wonderful you were in your own way. Maybe talk about your childhood and some of the things you accomplished. Once the event is over, everyone leaves. Because what's the point of staying anymore. You're dull and lifeless, literally.

Now, I've thought about death a number of times. Hell, I even have several ways kms I'm not going to say them, for fear of giving someone else an idea, but I have 3 main ones, with the third being the least favorable. They'd all technically accomplish the same thing.

No, I'm not going to try and shoot myself tonight or anything. Doing it at this hour would be unethical, the guns are in the basement, I'm on the top floor, my dad is in the room next to the stairs and my mom is in the living room, likely working. Besides, they're locked up and I don't like pistols, the kick is too jarring.

I've thought about getting a therapist and starting to take antidepressants, but a bunch of pills isn't going to make my life any better. It won't make people stop looking at me as their star student, homework helper, personal therapist, funny classmate, or God forbid, their living sex toy.

I've had people admit to jacking off to pictures of me when I was ten/i]. Perfectly aware the I was probably between the 5th and 6th grade when it was taken but I still looked 'hot'

I-

I was in a t-shirt and shorts sitting in the far back of a car. HOW COULD ANYO-

How did this end up here? I was rationally considering facts of kifeand we managed to swerve over to my DMs.

Eh, I don't have the energy to edit it out.

Point is, going to a therapist will only change your viewpoint, and if your life is going to change at all it has to start with you. And it's kinda hard to mentally change without changing your viewpoint. Physical change is easy, my mom's been so obsessed with her work that I haven't gotten a haircut since July even though we aren't struggling for money and salons have been open. Menatally changing is harder. I'm not opposed to mentally changing, but my life should still be shit for the next 3 years before I could start seeing one in my own. Even then there's no guarantee they'll be experienced or good at their job, hell, my current therapist contributes to my suffering.

You can be the most optimistic person and still have the shittiest life ever. And I'm not saying I'm an optimist, far from it, in fact. I'm saying that what's the point in trying if you've already figured out that nothing will change.

And of course I can't talk to my friends about it. Because they think my self hatred reflect onto them for example

"I'm literally so fat"

"Bitch, have you looked at me, I'm 250 pounds, are you calling me fat?!"

"No-no, I'm not saying that-"

Or, in the worse scenerio.

"I want to freaking hang myself."

"Lol same. *goes on rant about how miserable their life is*"

"Oh my gosh I feel so bad for you"

And we talk about them until we eventually stop talking.

Except for right now, because a chunk of my friends hate me because 2 of them claim that the person I'm currently dating is a homophobe who sexually assulted them and are demanding that I break up with him. But that is a story for another time because holy shit, things happened. But I'm going to talk about that another day so please don't specifically ask or assume anything about it.

Anyway uh, I feel slightly better. This isn't a suicide note, I will still be here tomorrow, so drink water and stay home if you can.

Comments

[Golden Flare]

I'm really sorry you feel that way, if you need to talk, my message box is always open