I didn't disappear again, I promise · 10:45pm Nov 6th, 2020
This year sucked.
I've just been trying to cope. I'm in and out of various kinds of episodes. Quarantine has me fucked up. The last week has me in some fucked up relapse and I've been forgetting the days. I keep have fits of rage because I can't remember what year it is. I hate this.
I keep swinging in and out of acceptance of my DID. I was doing really good earlier this year, and was finally getting along with most of the alters. Then the delusions started up again, and I hate them so much right now. I feel so robbed in a way that's hard to explain. I'm still a kid! Everyone expects me to be an adult, but I never grew up.
I died when I was 15. I wasn't able to grow up. When I was 15, I keeled over and someone else replaced me. I'm still 15. It is still 2015 for me, all the time, it will always be 2015 for me.
We've started abusing painkillers. I don't think I've been sober for more than a couple hours in several weeks, it's just been constantly high on opioids because the one time I wasn't high, I woke up to text messages on my phone saying there was blood all over my room and bathroom, and my arm is currently wrapped in gauze.
I guess some credit is due... one alter has been trying very, very hard to work with me even though I've been awful to him. He's been urging me to write again. I've had no motivation to, I've felt nothing but frustration and hurt and complete exhaustion. But he's sat me down and told me to write something.
So I did.
I feel a bit better. My writing is less hopeful, more angry and vague and venty. But this is my art, that I've made for myself. I'm not writing this for the approval of others, though I will admit approval and praise feels very nice. But it's human nature to want to be praised, even if praise isn't your goal, isn't it...?
I'm not dead. I thought I died, but I am still here, pecking away at my keyboard as life continues. My heart will not stop beating simply because I am hurting. I will not lay down and merely pass away because my soul is tired. Whether that's for the best, I'm not sure... I'm a bit upset that it is not the case, but I will continue to live and try to understand what is going on with my reality.
I just hope one day reality and I can be friends again. But the longer I am conscious, the less I understand what was real in my reality anyway.
hey there buddy, im happy to see you still kicking. im still here for you should you ever need an ear or an eye. i havent forgotten about you and i hope things turn around for you.
hope your doing ok!