Almost eight days ago marks two years since I've been on this site. I've seen some remarkable things happen, some drama here and there, the great Fimfiction shut down~
I don't know how much of it was because of the editing, but the writing did feel more improved. Less repetitive wording, and nothing that would break suspense. Though that doesn't mean I don't have criticism
It is a bit sad to see Surn be so hard on himself, I'm hoping it's just because he feels depressed and he gets the help he needs eventually.
just make sure you don't go full on angsty. It's not good to force your audience to feel bad for him. And it's not realistic that everyone is going to put up with his drama forever unless he slowly shows signs of wanting to change.
It would probably be best to show the readers why people would be happy Surn's powers are gone. Like for example: he used it to prank others (and didn't know when to stop), or he kept using his powers in some way he thought was the right thing to do, but it always ended up blowing up in his face.
And remember show, don't tell! meaning don't just say he used his powers for pranks, actually tell us how he accomplished the pranks he did. like maybe he used his super speed to put tacks on people's chairs before they sat down, or would draw rude pictures on the board during lessons.
also you mentioned Surn would shoplift food, then you immediately brought in he broke up with his girlfriend, Fluttershy,
I shoplift the items I need.
I really need to stop with this nonsense.
You see, I once had a girlfriend. Her name was Fluttershy. She ditched me after meeting some other person.
the passage just doesn't flow very well. One way you can fix it is by adding that Fluttershy was the one who was paying for everything, and now that they broke up he has no money.
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:)
I don't know how much of it was because of the editing, but the writing did feel more improved. Less repetitive wording, and nothing that would break suspense. Though that doesn't mean I don't have criticism
It is a bit sad to see Surn be so hard on himself, I'm hoping it's just because he feels depressed and he gets the help he needs eventually.
just make sure you don't go full on angsty. It's not good to force your audience to feel bad for him. And it's not realistic that everyone is going to put up with his drama forever unless he slowly shows signs of wanting to change.
It would probably be best to show the readers why people would be happy Surn's powers are gone. Like for example: he used it to prank others (and didn't know when to stop), or he kept using his powers in some way he thought was the right thing to do, but it always ended up blowing up in his face.
And remember show, don't tell! meaning don't just say he used his powers for pranks, actually tell us how he accomplished the pranks he did. like maybe he used his super speed to put tacks on people's chairs before they sat down, or would draw rude pictures on the board during lessons.
also you mentioned Surn would shoplift food, then you immediately brought in he broke up with his girlfriend, Fluttershy,
the passage just doesn't flow very well. One way you can fix it is by adding that Fluttershy was the one who was paying for everything, and now that they broke up he has no money.
But all and all, you are doing better