• Member Since 26th Feb, 2014
  • offline last seen January 5th

kudzuhaiku


She's looking at you. Yes you. And she is judging you with her eyes. There is no escape.

More Blog Posts2119

  • 45 weeks
    It's late

    But my brain isn't quiet. I'm stoned out of my goddamn gourd. Don't worry, it is just my usual regimen of drugs. That's how I spent a lot of my time now. Wasted. Doesn't really help with the pain much, but makes it a bit more tolerable. All of my drugs cost over 5 grand a month. That's what it takes to keep me going. I'm in somewhat better shape because of all of it, and there's a few bright

    Read More

    10 comments · 1,136 views
  • 55 weeks
    Cyborgification is potentially a-go

    Finally found a doctor that didn't run screaming upon seeing my spine images and xrays. The team is coming together. Met with the neurosurgeon the other day, and he thinks I am an ideal candidate for augmentation. The transition is happening, I think. I still have to pass a psych evaluation and other steps, but I am closer now than ever. First I'll have the trial run; they'll sink electrodes into

    Read More

    33 comments · 894 views
  • 85 weeks
    Today, life changes forever.


    It's been a long, long road to get to this point. A big thank you to everyone who has been with me during this journey.

    25 comments · 960 views
  • 85 weeks
    Big changes are happening


    Read More

    35 comments · 1,198 views
  • 108 weeks
    I suppose it is time for an update

    Been meaning to this, and I've become the King of Pro-Crasty Nation. I kept wanting to report, but there was nothing to report, no good news at all, so I just... didn't. Sorry. Went a bit silent on my end. It just sorta happened.

    I finally got a lawyer willing to take up my case. After that, things started happening.

    Read More

    17 comments · 1,982 views
Oct
14th
2020

Real life intrudes · 6:30pm Oct 14th, 2020

I will be moving.

Along with everything else going on, this is bound to cause some interruptions. Things have been chaotic. Computer issues, house hunting, stress in general, and now, moving. I think we'll be out of here come November. But I expect sheer chaos leading up to everything because packing and such. I no longer move so well. Lost a lot of mobility over the past year or two. The paralysis is worse, joint issues have progressed, etc. So simple things like packing takes me a lot of time and effort. Just doing the dishes takes me a ton of time and effort. Everything comes at the cost of pain and effort.

I am radically altering my writing setup, which is exciting and kinda has the creative fires stoked. That's been a huge issue lately. Maintaining creative energy during a lack of mental stimulation. The move has me mentally stimulated. Stuff is gonna happen! There will be brand new walls to stare at 24/7. I've actually been listening to podcasts and watching youtube videos about maintaining creative energy during times like these. It helps, actually. I am supremely frustrated by my current state of affairs. Writing is my outlet for dealing with pain and the agony of living.

Things have changed. I can't say how they have changed, but they have changed. It used to be that when my keyboard missed a keystroke for whatever reason, I could just keep going. No big deal. But now, when my keyboard misses a keystroke, like, say, I press the period key and it fails to register because the switch is starting to go out, become unreasonably angry. Irrationally angry. And it completely derails my creative flow. I get yanked out of my channeling trance and everything just grinds to a halt. And I get mad. Stupidly mad. Which bothers me, because I am normally not like this at all. In general, most of the time, I am one of the most laid back and easy-going people you will ever meet. I constantly say, "No worries." because that is what I live by. I tell people around me that all the time. "No worries, friendo."

But then something happens that tanks my creativity, and I am just filled with white-hot rage. I want to smash things. Throw stuff. Sometimes I get so upset that I get chest pains or my left arm goes numb. Which is exactly why I don't get pissed off in the first place. Being mad can kill me. Maybe. Alright, dying is a theoretical act for me, and there's no promise that I'll stay dead. I've come back from the dead more times than Jesus. But right now the last thing I need is yet another heart attack. It's hard though, because I find it increasingly difficult to stay calm. Which, I must confess, bothers me. I appreciate my zenlike states. I need them to deal with pain. I've been observing myself for a while now with a critical eye and I am worried by what I see.

Been listening to self-help stuff to deal with that, too.

Because really, I shouldn't lose my goddamn marbles just because something throws off my groove.

I still have this massive 5mm kidney stone inside of me. Still having issues. That hasn't helped much, if at all. Kidney stones simply are not conductors of creativity, though I am positive that writing in full detail about passing a 5mm stone might be... uh... interesting? Shall we call it interesting? We shall. Maybe I'll write a short where a pony passes a kidney stone and Starlight uses the rock as the ultimate stone of pure evil to take over all of Equestria. But then Twilight sends the Pie Sisters, shrinks them down itty bitty, and sends them back in time time to so that Equestria might be saved. Maud Pie punches the kidney stone of Ultimate Evil, which fractures, and Starlight's evil plans are undone. Of course, she is forgiven in a monologue and everything is hunky-dory in a single clean screen wipe and for the second time, Starlight faces no consequences for wiping out all known life with her misguided but adorable actions. Brilliant.

Or I could go the fetish route and since the Pie Family eats rocks, kidney stones might be a special delicious treat, sort of like nature's candy.

It stays crunchy in piss!

Record scratching sounds.

Where was I? Oh, right. Moving is gonna be hard. Moving with a massive kidney rock lodged in my innards will be harder. I'm sure I'll manage, but I am somewhat worried. Stop saying I need my brain examined after the stays crunchy in piss remark. The last time that happened the psychiatrist got worried. She was a nice lady and I miss our visits. Honestly, I really do. It was nice having healthcare for a time. She said that not only do I have the worst caste of PTSD that she's ever seen, but I've also got crippling survivor's guilt. None of which is treated.

After the move, I am going to attempt to deal with Social Security once more and since I can't get help on a state level, I am going to attempt to move up the food chain. It'll probably kill me. There's a good chance that I'll die of a rage-induced stroke, heart attack, or both. Not looking forward to it, but it must be done. It's gonna suck.

So... who is ready for 2020 to be over?

You realise that 2021 is gonna suck too, right?

I miss movies, I do.

Report kudzuhaiku · 482 views ·
Comments ( 13 )

I empathize.

I don't think most able-bodied people have groked that the pandemic isn't ending for at least a year and a half, no. They still think herd immunity is a thing for influenza-type viruses. 🙄

I don't envy you moving with a kidney stone. That's right up there with moving right after abdominal surgery (and being expected to help, because disabled and hey! it's not like you're ever not in pain, right?). I hope you have access to your chosen & safe pain relief measures, and can rest adequately after.

Take good care of yourself Kudzu. Probably Unnecesary to say, but I’ll say it any way.

And I hope the move goes well and smooth, with 0 problems

5377742
You've been having a rough go of things. I read your blog posts. Hang in there, mang.

take the time you need to try and keep things sane.
your story's will still be here when things settle back down.

This is either the most well written cry for help ever written, or just the most blog post about kidney stones and moving I've ever read....
In all seriousness stay safe and Godspeed.
#survived quarantine # covid-19 sucks

Oh, joy! :twilightoops:

Roughly where are you moving to? It wouldn’t happen to be California, by any chance? ‘Cuz we have cookies Medi-cal; and I’m pretty sure you qualify.

I’m concerned about the stone being still stuck, and what that‘s doing to that kidney... I’m wondering if it’s enough of an emergency to make them take care of it at an ER.

Does your chrome book have any unused USB ports that you could plug an external keyboard & mouse into? I’ve probably got something around here unused that I could drop into a USPS flat-rate box...

5378117
I already killed the keyboard on the 'book. Did that a while ago. Bought a board with switches rated for 50 million keystrokes. Killed that too. I am a smash typist. A keyboard assassin. It'll get sorted out, not to worry.

Yeah, the stone seems shy. It is the Fluttershy of kidney stones.

Hopefully the new place is a bit nicer to you, I know you mentioned that your current place has stairs, and doesn't fit your wheelchair very well, so you gotta walk places. Keep on living you stubborn pain in death's ass, I'll be reading.

*cringe* Kidney stones are no joke. My cousin had one and ranked the pain as worse than her appendicitis pain. I hope it clears out quickly or whatever way causes the least amount of pain.

You don't have to write a story for publishing about the experience. You can just write it for yourself.

I empathize dude. I mean, i've never had kidney stones, i know they hurt a lot- a very specific kind of hell- but i know what it is to suffer daily, and be stuck doing nothing (Even pre-covid). I also understand the random fits of rage over no rational reason. I've made holes in walls by banging my head on them, in an attempt to calm down.
(Spoiler alert- it only makes you angrier)
You've been an inspiration for me Kudz. For dozens, hundreds of people. You've built something that is greater than yourself, and have a loyal cult of followers. No matter what happens, know we will support you. We all wish you well with expediting that kidney stone out of you, as painlessly as humanly possible.

As excited as I am to read more of your stuff, take your time. Sounds like you're going through a lot and I have trouble staying motivated even without all those issues.

I'll still be here to read your stuff whenever you get back to it. :raritywink:

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