Dark Emperor Shepherd: The Finale · 1:26am Aug 24th, 2020
At last, the day of the Eeeevil Imperial Wedding has arrived! Shepherd is in big, bulky, "impressive" looking evil wedding armor. He is standing at the Eeeevil Altar erected in the Palace Courtyard, Discord waiting as the 'minister' and Cadence is sitting nearby as Mare of Honor. Chewie is "Best Stallion", and standing with a large bowtie as he growls, while Spike is the ringbearer, again.
Shepherd: *sighs, rubs his face* "When is the last time Canterlot had a good time with a royal wedding?"
Cadence: "Come on, the last one wasn't so bad!"
Shepherd: "You were kidnapped, replaced by a Changeling, and we had to fight a battle to save the country!"
Cadence: "Auntie Luna would have called that a good time."
Shepherd: "Yeah, she did. Seriously though, this is going to be the end of this, right?"
Cadence: "Oh yes. My aunties arrive, break the Mane 6 out of their 'mind control', they hit you with the Elements of Harmony, and boom! In time for the wedding feast!"
Spike: "Why am I the Ringbearer again?! I want to be Best Stallion! Or Dragon! Or something that doesn't require me to be to go to the stupid kiddie table!"
Chewie: Growl
Spike: "I so too could fight you for it!"
Shepherd: "GUYS! Knock it off! Let's just get this over with so I can get out of this get up!"
Discord: "Oho! Looking forward to the honeymoon already, you horny monkey you! I can't wait!"
Shepherd: "You don't even have the capacity for sexual activity!"
Discord: "Just because you can't play football doesn't mean you can't enjoy watching the game!"
Shepherd: "I swear I'm sticking you back into whatever genie bottle you crawled out of."
Discord: "Don't talk about my mother that way!"
Cadence: "Come now Shepherd, this has to have been some fun, right?"
Shepherd: "Nope!"
Cadence: "Not even a little bit?"
Shepherd: "Not even a little bit."
Cadence: Well it's been plenty of fun for me!"
Discord: "And me!"
Spike: "Not me."
Shepherd: "Come on Spike! This wedding isn't real, okay? Rarity is still your waifu."
Spike: "Sh-She's not my waifu! I just have a really huge crush on her that I can't seem to get across and she doesn't take me seriously and-"
Cadence: "Yes dear Spike, she's your waifu."
Spike: "Nnngggh!"
The Eeevil Wedding March begins. Strangely enough, Octavia isn't in the orchestra. Oh well.
Twilight, Fluttershy, and Applejack lead the procession. All three of them in the raciest, sluttiest Eeeevil wedding dresses Rarity could devise. She is in a dress that is equally slutty but elegant, and it makes Spike pass out as she walks up to him. Twilight, Fluttershy and Applejack take their places at the Altar, while Dash in a Shadowbolt costume and Pinkie Pie in a chicken costume mill around the altar.
Discord: "Ahem... Dearly beloved, we are here to get through this thing called life-!"
Fluttershy: "Discord... Please?"
Discord: "Ahem. Fine, fine, spoil my fun. Let's do the short version! Do you take Emperor Monkeyshines as your collective sugar daddy and father of your gloriously freaky hybrid foals?"
Fluttershy: "YES!"
Twilight: "Yes!"
Applejack: "Eh, what the hay."
Dash: "I wanted to get married too!"
Pinkie: "Me too!"
Rarity: "Oh hush up! We needed members for the wedding party!"
Discord: "Right then. Do you, The MOST DARK AND TERRIBLE DREAD EMPEROR OF EQUESTRIA, who I might add is such a wet blanket! I mean, you don't even order cake whenever you feel like it!"
Shepherd: "Hey, I tried! Twilight wouldn't let me!"
Twilight: "You have to stay in shape!"
Shepherd: "I spar with a manticore every day! I'm in great shape! It's fine for me to have a little extra on the waist!"
AJ: "It does make 'im more cuddly."
Fluttershy: "I do like the cuddly part."
Twilight: "Urgh!"
Shepherd: "Look, Discord, come on, come on."
Discord: "My he is in a hurry! Hmm! They don't look pregnant! Yet, anyway. You going to fix that soon, I take it?"
Shepherd: "I'm warning you, Discord!"
Discord: "Okay okay, fine! Such a sourpuss. Do you want these hot mares to have, to hold, and to show some-some-some tenderness?"
Shepherd: "Yes."
Discord: "Is there anypony who objects to the union of this space monkey possessed by evil spirits, and these three hormonal, mentally unstable mares? Speak up now or forever hold your peace!"
???: "HALT!"
The Doctor arrived with Ditzy, galloping out of the Muffin TARDIS. He pointed at Cadence.
Doctor: "That's not the real Princess Cadence! She's an imposter! The Changeling Queen Chrysalis who-!"
Shepherd: "Doc! You're late!"
Twilight: "That was two years ago!"
Doctor: "Oh! Ahem, my bad. Sorry, let me get out of your timeline!"
Discord: "Honestly, some people have no respect for causality!"
Second Discord: pops up in wedding dress next to Shepherd, nods "Mmhm! Isn't it the truth? Come now, come now, let's get going!"
Shepherd: "No! No! You go away!" *Shoves the second Discord away*
Second Discord: *sob* "Always a bridesmaid, never a bride!"
Daring Do: "HOLD IT! I OBJECT! Dark Emperor Shepherd! I know how to set you free!" *Throws a spear crackling with magical energy at Shepherd... Which knocks him down*
Shepherd: "GAH!"
Daring Do: "The Holy Spear of Antioch should cure you of your magical malady!"
Dash: "Oh wow! Just like in Book 7, The News from the North! So cool!"
Cloudy Quartz: "NEIGH! This Gem of Truth will release the demon from within him!" *Throws it at Shepherd, who is clocked through the helmet by the rock*
Shepherd: "ARGH!"
Pinkie Pie: "Ooh! Hey Mom!"
Twilight: "No wait! Stop! He's not really-!"
Fluttershy: "You're really hurting him!"
Trixie: "AHA! The Great and Powerful Trixie shall free Equestria from the evil that controls it with this magic rotary cannon!"
Twilight: "Trixie, don't!"
Pinkie: "Wait, what's magic about that?"
Trixie: "It glows in the dark!"
BRRRRRRRR!
*The wedding party ducks for cover as magical bullets are sprayed all over, reducing the altar to kindling before it runs out of ammo. Discord looks himself over, and laughs.
Discord: "HA! Missed me!" *He drinks some water... Which spurts out of many holes all over him* "Oh, darnit."
Shepherd: *Gets up from covering Twilight, AJ and Fluttershy with his body* "Everybody all right?"
AJ: "Eeyup."
Twilight: "Just fine."
Fluttershy: "We're okay."
Discord: "More or less."
*Trixie is led away by guards*
Trixie: "N-No! NO! Trixie thought it would cure him, not kill him! How was Trixie supposed to know?!"
Shepherd: *sigh* "ANYWAY... If we can get to the part where we finish this?"
Discord: "You really do need to take things in stride more, Shepherd! Anyway! I now pronounce you man... Sort of-"
Shepherd: "Watch it."
Discord: "And wi-"
WHOOSH!
Princess Luna reappears, now carrying Shepherd in her forearms.
Luna: "FEAR NOT, BRAVE EQUESTRIANS! FOR WE SHALL FREE SHEPHERD FROM HIS EVIL, AND SET RIGHT WHAT WAS ONCE WRONG!"
Shepherd: "Oh thank God..."
Celestia: "Yes! Do not worry, we are here!"
There is much cheering... Though some boos as well.
Luna: "And we will cure Shepherd of his dark possession... In private. In our tower. All alone." *Licks her lips*
Shepherd: *Eyes widen* "... I need an adult?"
Luna: "WE ARE AN ADULT!" TELEPORTS OFF!
Fluttershy: "What the-GIVE HIM BACK!" Takes off after him
Twilight: "YOU CAN'T DO THAT!" Also flies after him
AJ: "WAIT FER ME!" Gallops off, Pinkie Pie bouncing after her
Pinkie: "I DIDN'T GET TO MAKE THE WEDDING SPEECH!"
Chewie: ROAR! FLIES AFTER!
Dash: "HEY GET BACK HERE! I WANNA SEE THAT SPEAR! Zoom!
Rarity: "Well, I suppose I should chase after them to keep up appearances-"
Spike: Embraces her tightly, growls "Don't you dare."
Rarity: *blush "Oh my Spike. Aren't you... Possessive? I like it!"
Cadence: smirks as her Auntie flies down "Enjoy your vacation?"
Celestia: "Alas, Luna simply couldn't relax around any stallions enough to get laid. So she's still rather pent up."
Discord: "So you decided to arrive early?"
Celestia: "Of course! Being predictable is so boring, wouldn't you agree?"
Discord: "I'm so hot for you right now."
Celestia: "I know~." blinks "Where's Shining Armor?"
Meanwhile... At the O&O table...
Sweetie Belle: "So why can't I just zap the orgres?"
Shining: "Because you already spent all your mana on that kareoke spell bar!"
Sweetie Belle: "Can't you just change the rules?"
Shining: "No! It's clear as day in the rule book!"
Scootaloo: "Applebloom, gimme back my character sheet!"
Applebloom: "It's mine! You stole it first!"
Scootaloo: "Did not!"
Applebloom: "Did too!"
As they argue, Shining sighs and slams his head onto the gaming table.
Shining: "What is this new generation coming to?"
- - -
The actual storyline will need some spit and polish, of course...
Honestly, Discord being the result of a jerkass genie makes too much sense.
You can argue that post-2nd Edition simplifications (or "streamlining" or "optimizations") were an improvement, but the dumbing-down they're doing to Baldur's Gate 3 is unforgivable. Give me my THAC0 back! And a story about trollops and plug-tails while you're at it!
Chrysalis : I Object If any one is going to be Evil Shepherd's Love Slave it's going to be me!
Where was Octavia?
Discord: "HA! Missed me!" *He drinks some water... Which spurts out of many holes all over him* "Oh, darnit."
Ah, a fan of the classics, I see! I love how you write Discord. He's always hilarious in your stories.
Myself, I figure Discord is related to all those fifth-dimensional imps from DC's Silver Age like Bat-Mite and Myxzptlyk. Whenever he's not on the show he swings by their place to share stories about how they made their 'friends' lives hell for them again. All in fun!
5341759
Decided she served no purpose in this one, but I'm going to have her feature in a chapter or two.
5341774
Maybe she was ‘fetching’ Celestia and Luna :p
I think it would be funnier if Luna decides to cleanse both Shepherd and the Elements of Harmony of evil in private, suggesting she's really pent up and might need all of them at once. Instead of the elements' over the top reactions we could have Spike shouting "Nooooooooooo!" as Rarity is whisked away.
Wait this is the end of emperor Shepard?
Me:
5341728
Ironic considering his very first line,
That is a curious bit of detail, bordering on the Suspiciously Specific Denial.
Bow chicka bow-wow
Remember, Spike, ladies like armor plating.
I am both ashamed and appalled at myself for wanting to see that rendered into picture form.
Fiddlesticks is, though, much to the horror of the snootier parts of said orchestra. Strange how you never see the two in the same room...
Hey, you're teaching Sweetie a valuable lesson about the importance of resource management. Can't say anything constructive for the other two, but it's something.
In all, this has been a delightfully silly script. Looking forward to the polished version.
5341949
Surely Sweetie already learned that from her Minecraft sessions with Button-kun. Unless he pushed her into *ugh* Creative Mode. I'll have to have a word with that colt.
Seriously Trixie, glows in the dark? Why not something more practical like, oh, I dunno... a magazine that feeds rounds from a pocket dimension? Oh, right, street magician... the dimensional magazine would be more Discord's doing, with rubber chicken bullets and whipped cream pies with cherries on top.
All I heard in my head with Majikal rotary cannon was brrrt of the gau 8.
Fun story mr sleeper
(And so ends the reign of Dark Emperor Shepherd! ... Honestly, I think it'd be hilarious if there was more than a little backlash against that and political petitioning for him to become Emperor again. Especially amongst the Griffons.)