The Kids Are Standing 'Round With Their Arms Folded Tight · 9:58pm Aug 10th, 2020
Ofolrodi is still going strong. Long live Ofolrodi.
Big fic is gonna be big. Bigger than Utaan in terms of chapter count. Probably bigger than in word count as well. At the pace at which I'm writing it (which still isn't fast enough), I'm not entirely certain when Book Nine will be completed. Or the entire twelve-part series for that matter. As most things in my life, it's a big picture set for the far-off future. For better or for worse. Sure would have been nice not to have wasted two years out of it, but, f'naaaaaaaaa.
Art by dbapplejack
I knew that when I decided in the middle of this year to finally come back to the Austraeoh Series, things wouldn't magically change for the better. Still, part of me probably hoped that my brain bone and other peripheral organelles would be in a decidedly moister place. Alas, I find that the ol' Lemur's chest vacuole still pools up with the same stereotypical effluvia.
Back in 1998, I discovered Starcraft. And while I was never all too terribly good at the game, I sure did play it a lot. A bit too much, to be exact. I had been addicted to games before--both PC and Console--but never before had I had a game simply... occupy my time quite so ferociously as Blizzard's gift bag of Melee and UMS minigames did. Later, in '99, I had a huge creative rush of fanfictional inspiration that lasted into early '01. I looked back at my brief bout of Starcafting as some sort of fluke of innate brain-is-dumbness. But, "thankfully that didn't last forever."
It was only a prophecy foretelling other addictions to come. When Warcraft III came out, I channeled even more needless time into that. And after that, World of Warcraft. Team Fortress Two. League of Legends. Eventually Overwatch. With each of those games, I would enter a sort of... vegetative state. I wouldn't so much be playing a game as much as I would be putting a game on in the foreground while I had something that I listened to in the background. At first it was music on CDs... then audio clips ripped off of old Kazaa multimedia downloads... then DVDs played on a tv in the periphery... then finally the ultimate vice that my brain was built for: Youtube clips.
Eventually, around 2013 or so, I found my true calling: to waste time playing some mindlessly, casually repetitive game in the foreground while I had various youtube programs playing in the background. All the while, I'd down a bottle or two of Dr. Pepper. The caffeine would kick in, the endorphins would fly, and I'd find that buzz that would coast me into the forbidden dark hours beyond midnight.
And I've done this for years. And years. And years and years and years and years.
And occasionally, when the cycle gets too much to bare, I'll succeed in eliminating half of it... but the other half remains. I'll give up gaming for a bit... but end up vegetating down a Youtube rabbit hole, learning nothing and contributing to nothing. Or I'll starve myself of online media and instead saturate myself in gaming and gaming alone. Then I'll get really emo and I'll attempt to swear off both... ... ...but then all I end up doing is sitting on my butt, clicking on the same three or four websites over and over again for hours after dark, praying that something--anything--will change. Anything but me.
There are times when I think that my natural state is just to... do nothing. I mean, I suppose such is fitting. Nothing is where we come from and nothing is where we're headed. But the sanctity of the throbbing present is altogether lost to me.
And I only have myself to blame. There're so many things I can be doing to stimulate myself. In fact, there are things I want to do to stimulate myself. I have shows I would like to watch, episodes to catch up on, literature to read and games to play and things to learn about.
But even the things I want to do--or know I want to do--I refuse. I refuse for the sake of just... sitting in place. Accomplishing nothing. As if emptiness and the familiarity of the mundane is far more appreciable than something that would actually get the blood pumping.
And something that has only gotten worse over the years is this... skewed perception of time that I have. I always feel like I gotta buffer my schedule with padding... padding to do nothing with. If it's a bit before work, I'd rather sleep in. If I've got somewhere to be in the morning, I'd rather not accomplish anything at night. And even if I have a change of heart, I sense the time that has been devoured by my incessant inaction and my mind conjures up "Well, you've wasted that opportunity," and I see the time ahead and behind me as equally soured and devoid of merit. And in the end--as always--I get nothing done.
It's a vicious cycle.
For two years, I sat on Austraeoh. Not updating it. Not even trying. Every time I chanced upon the thought, I'd tell myself "Oh, but if only I had more tiiiiime." But I had time. I had all the time in the world. The only truth is that--as time goes on--there is ultimately less of it. But the knowledge of that only burrows inward, venomous all the same, and with each passing month I felt far too guilty and shameful to attempt the return.
It's hard to say what got me going back here in 2020. It certainly wasn't a euphoric rush of manic energy. It just felt like something that needed to be done. And--as each week goes by--Ofolrodi feels like something that needs to be done. That's really the biggest thing making me update it now. That, and the knowledge that people lurve it so much. I keep waiting for some burst of enthusiasm to make the project self-perpetuating, and I do see glimpses and hints of it there. But in reality, if it weren't for the farrrrrrr more lax pacing I've given myself, I dunno how else I would have returned.
This past week and a half, I had a lot of time off. I don't say this triumphantly, but it's true. I had a lot of time off. A lot of time to write more. A lot of time that I ultimately wasted. The last two Ofolrodi chapter uploads were rather paltry--at least in word count. I know I can do better. I hope someday soon to do better.
Regardless of years embroiled in collapsing democracies and viral epidemics, people go through cycles. I feel like I'm at the low point of one of mine, lately. It feels like if someone was to pierce my belly with a needle, an ocean of acid would come pouring out, but what's left of my shredded self would just lie on the ground and stare at the stains along the wall. I've been able to sleep, but rarely right when I wish to. Even pink things don't hold the same sway. There's an awful lot of dust everywhere.
I'll come out of it all in due time, for sure. Usually when a mood like this perpetuates, I attempt a cryptic story to convey an inkling of the feeling. But I suppose blarghs are just another way of finding rungs to grasp onto. There will be more highs to look forward to, and more lows to dread thereafter. It's gross to pretend to brag about, really. Not everyone on this site can utilize so lavish a hug box when they feel like it. And even then, all things diminish.
I suppose if there's anything I can contribute to the fimfic audience about matters of melancholia is that accomplishing stuff won't necessarily draw the shadows away. I'm truly glad to be back on board with Austraeoh and to be making connections--both old and new--but the return didn't baptize me of all the weighted sins. Sometimes the only solution to ennui is to wait it out. That's not true with everyone, I suppose, but I've observed it within myself over the decades.
I assure y'all, I am truly attempting to get back into the "groove," with writing. But there will be lapses. There will always be lapses. I'm just glad I've got a legit decent pace to work around with this time, and I've been pleased beyond belief to receive your shows of good faith and overtly-gracious patience. I certainly don't deserve it, but I thank yousa.
Thank you, even after all these years, for giving me eyes to consume the words I fart forth. May we howl into the abyss together.
-SS&Edgelord
Damn straight
or gay, whatever floats your boat
I always wish I knew what to say when I see one of these blogs, some magic combination of words that can make all the ennui go away and somehow turn an overcast day into bright sunshine... but talking with people about emotions and, well, life, has never been a strong point of mine. All I can do is wish you the best of luck in getting out of your fugue in whatever way it works for you, and reaffirm what you already know: your words are well lurved, and so are you
I identify with so many little snippets from this blog dude, its a little scary lol.
I'll be sticking with the easthorse journey to the end sir, no matter when that will be and I am sure that I am not alone in this sentiment.
I hope your upswing comes soon and is a long one. I'm about to do something that is probably dumb and dip my toe back into WoW, that game had me hooked with the worst addiction I have ever had, but I stopped playing a few years back. If no one hears from me in a month then please send snacks!!
You do you, man. Just take it at your own pace, I think it's sake to say that us lot are very patient at this point.
I can relate to this. Have you tried dopamine detoxing? Might be worth a shot if you haven't.
It's weird because it's like...realistically, you know might have quite a bit of free time in the day. Might have work or chores to do for half of it, but somewhere in that day, you wanna leave room for knowing when you won't have to be committed to a single obligation. Even if this consists of several hours. This becoming a daily routine almost makes you think you have all the time in the world and have more room to procrastinate.
Been there (
still here), and it sucks. Taking the baby steps to be productive again is commendable on its own though, believe it or not. It's hard to just sit down and make yourself do something from time to time. You've accomplished a lot by doing what you can now. Your readers are proud of you. : )I love how skirts blobs are usually no words or lots of them, but either way they'll make you think.
You might struggle sometimes Skirts but in the end you made the effort and came back... That's more than a lot of authors have done and something to be proud of. You don't have to be perfect, you just have to try.
Can definitely relate on the "doing nothing but gaming and/or watching Youtube" while there are much better things that I could be passing my time doing. I've been doing it for years too and every time I look back at the almost nothing I've accomplished in a week I always feel disappointed with myself.
Seeing you(My #1 favorite writer) get back into working on the Austraeoh series(My #1 favorite MLP fanfic) after so long has really motivated me to start doing more.
Raynor/Fenix was my first OTP.
Have you considered you may be suffering from a caffeine addiction? There are two cures:
*Abstain completely, and improve your productivity after about a month.
*Double down, and supplement with coffee or energy drinks
Yeah, that self-indulgent cycle of video games and YouTube clips is the downfall all my spare time as well. It's sad really, there's so many things more worthwhile I could be doing with my time.
Your words really capture that feeling of wasted and lost time.
I count the hours before I go to work, I count the hours after I'm home, and I count the hours before I sleep. No matter how much time there is, I never feel like it's enough to do anything meaningful with, thus I never do anything at all.
I feel your pain.
But we are going somewhere, and while you think that might not necessarily mean at the end of life and blah but it is true that we are still onto some part of our lives that far exceeds where we’re at. I think silence is a swag remedy, and I don’t mean doing nothing. It’s not a time to think, it’s just... how did AJ put it in Appledashery 2....? Exist. And instead of using that as an opportunity to think of what more you could do or what wrong you’re doing now, we could hold onto our ancestral hats and our little elusive blue feathers and feel thankful for that moment. You’re not pondering or living life but you’re noticing it.
I’m young and I haven’t done much of anything, but whenever I stay silent I realize that I am loved without having to write anything.
i.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/facebook/000/029/191/cover6.jpg
Time is a bitch. But let yourself become Time’s bitch, and she’ll take away every moment of joy you have coming to you. Here’s a good piece of advice with a very misleading title:
Here's the thing. Even the most 'active' 'social' 'accomplished' people do this 80% of the time, as opposed to what you say you do, 100% of the time. We just see the 20% of the time they don't. So don't worry, you're closer than you think.
At the beginning of 2020 Mojang shut down the authentication service for legacy Minecraft accounts and I stopped being able to log in. I had registered the account under an email address that I didn't have access to anymore, so I couldn't use that and had to contact support.
Approximately 8 months later I finally got my account back. During the intervening time I could have just given Microsoft 30 bucks and gotten a new one, but I didn't. Half out of a desire to not monetarily reward them for just locking me out, and half because I think I really felt like I needed a good excuse to not play Minecraft.
I made 5 art posts to dA in 2020. Not a lot for 8 months, and nothing compared to the rush of 2015, but still 2.5 times what I posted in the entirety of 2019. I can't blame that all on a firm resolve to not play one of the most addictive games of the decade, there were plenty of other pastimes I could and did dump my free hours into, including the ever-present option of nothing, but I keep having this faith that arranging bits on a screen is more worthwhile when I can share the results and other people like it.
I don't know where I was going with that, but I appreciate your return to arranging this particular set of bits that I like. I should really get back to observing them regularly. Dash is stuck in a rusty hole at the moment and the middle of a pandemic hasn't really seemed like the right space to read about that from but it doesn't look like we're going to be out of that anytime soon so I guess I oughta get back to it.
Not sure what I can do but:
derpicdn.net/img/download/2019/9/1/2133549.png
Hey I listened to that album while reading Background Pony! Cool coincidence
I vibe with this
Needlessly padding my days with time I use to--intentionally, determinedly--do nothing at all is something I still struggle with. Starting is by far the worst of it, it is so much easier to just continue. My strange backwards-brain logic will sullenly endure discomfort in the service of simply being. I will put off food and water because being there requires more from me than being here.
Once upon a time, I put off a major life event. For weeks, then months, then years. Spent far more time than I care to admit telling myself that today wasn't the right time, that what I'd come up with wasn't the perfect idea, that I couldn't do it the way it deserved to be done.
This is the chorus of a song by Adam Tell, called "Full Recovery." I ended up gravitating to it in that once upon a time. I still regret that time spent pretending to move while sitting directionless, but I try not to begrudge myself for it. Would things be different if Past Swann had permitted himself to walk forward? Almost certainly. Would things be better? No way to know. But Current Swann is here now, and even as I wonder if the same formless barriers I'm writing about are what have kept me up until well past 3 in the morning tonight, I myself become Past Swann the moment Post Comment is clicked, and I can't be angry with the person who trod the path that lead me to this moment.
It has been years, but I hope you're doing well. I hope to catch up on Austraeoh in the near future. Keep on keeping on
Very weird coincidence that I just re-read When I Was Thirty for the first time in a long while. Then I saw this blog and read it, despite it being the first of yours that I've read in a while. Then I see they're both basically about the same sort of topic. Or maybe it's not weird. You write about this stuff a lot?
This post basically describes me to a T. I was actually just thinking about how I would describe my life in the simplest way that would get across what it's been like - what I've done, how I've felt. What would I include in that description, and what would I leave out? What you've written here is probably all that would need to be said. It's eerie how familiar your experience is. Only some details are different - I never played Starcraft, only Starcraft 2; I played WC3 after I started playing WoW; I never really watched videos when playing WoW, I only played music. All the important things are exactly the same.