Mental breakdown and I miss my dad

Not many things in general life do faze me, and if they can or if they do, it has to hit a nerve with me or have a significant relevance to me or somebody I know, i.e, family.

I don't know what happened to us, where it all went so very wrong, but nothing is how it used to be. Like we've all forgot how to be happy and everyone in my family suddenly turned on each other and we don't talk. Some things have been said, some trusts have been broken, some things will not be forgotten nor forgiven, and in my case, it's a mix of all three. I'm so sick of this routine, in all truth. I don't even consider my blood relatives family anymore. No family member, parent, sibling, auntie, uncle or cousin, treats their family like that.

I want so badly to move on, but I don't know how. I have trouble letting go for personal reasons, and it's so much of a burden if it gets carried around from one part of your life into another, like transition from childhood to adulthood. It sucks and brings about more emotional stress than anybody wants or needs. It's obvious to me by now that we're never going to be like we used to. No more family days out, hanging out together like old times, going out together shopping, being as close as we used to, etc. It used to be riding somewhere in our old Toyota Estima or Skyline listening to Lady Gaga or MIKA and passing around mints or those flour-coated travel sweets while constantly joking with each other. That ended so quickly.

I hate this is what's happened to us. Worse, I'm essentially singled out and kicked out. Not only me, but my older brother and my second younger brother from another relationship are the ones that are left out of everything. It's all about the youngest one, nobody else. Like we don't exist and we never did. We're paid no mind to, never spoken to, not acknowledged or told or show we're cared about. As such, 'm thinking of cutting off all contact with them once I'm out for good. Won't make a difference, will it?

At the same time...I miss the person I'm most pissed at. I know what kind of things I saw about him in blogs and how much we both get on each other's nerves (mine on his more than his on mine), but the general rule is you only have one father. Love him or hate him, he'll still be you father at the end of the day.

With how the state of the world is right now, on standby with a good chance of getting worse, I'm missing him more and more. Last time we spoke, I don't remember. Maybe three-four weeks ago? I think we went to the shops together. That's all we did. We hardly speak anymore. No texting or phone calls. As hard as being self-employed is during the pandemic, he's still working almost every single day and is mostly exhausted by the time he's in the front door, which means I hardly see him. When I was home, I hardly ever saw him. Through my entire life living at home, it was always the same. Now that we can't see each other any more than back then, I want to talk to my dad again. My dad and my brother are all I've got from a time when I was happy. Nowadays, everybody is miserable, whether or not they show it.

I'm sat here right now upset about it and wanting to call my dad but don't know what to say. Chances are he probably won't pick up, likely being asleep outside on the decking with the dog after a summer beer. It's the only time he has to chill. My heart hurts thinking about it all. I literally want to cry over everything, but can't bring myself to do so. I don't remember how.

It's nice when I'm home, aside from that parasite that moved in with us some time ago, simply because I'm mostly sat with my dad in the garden, rubbing our husky's ears and rubbing her belly while talking to dad for around an hour or so. We'd sometimes go out together in the sense he'd ask me to come along even if he was going to get supplies for work or if he was going shopping. I wish it'd last longer when I'm out with him, but all good times do come to an end. We may not be like we used to, but all I want(ed) was a proper relationship with my dad for however long we've both got left on this shitty planet. I'd rather have a father that hates my guts and still spend time with him than have a father that's not around and mope about it.

I think I've made the conclusion that I've been a pretty terrible son at times. I don't mean to be, but I have been. Over the years, I'm sure we've lost some respect for each other after a few encounters, and I'm seeing signs of that lost respect when we spend time together. It's like our individual tolerances are significantly lowered, but we don't voice them. Then again, I might be reading that one wrong.

When you have the one parent left and you want to spend time with them, but can't for whatever reasons or obstacles are stopping that from happening, it hurts a lot. And I mean a lot. I don't have many things left in life that haven't been taken away from me, and my relationship with my dad feels like it's barely hanging on. Partially because of me, partially because of somebody else. I don't think I can handle that. I'm hardly holding on with my own life as it is.

Right now, I regret everything, I miss my dad, I'm scared of losing anything / anybody else I care about and I'm almost on the brink of a breakdown. It's only a matter of time. I hate being apart from everyone, and it's gotten so lonely very quickly.