Short Hand: The Dark Emperor Shepherd 7 · 2:52pm Aug 7th, 2020
At Canterlot Palace, Shepherd is pacing back and forth and trying not to trip over his own cape.
Blueblood: "The entire Crystal Empire fleet is heading this way, Your Dreadfulness."
Shepherd: *groans* "Oh good! More pressure! I don't suppose we could just tell Shining this is all a wacky sitcom plot?"
Raven: "Alas my Dark Lord, he is unlikely to believe you."
Applejack: "To be fair, he does kinda hate yer guts anyway."
Shepherd: "The feeling is mutual! That jumped up little wuss-"
Twilight: "Shepherd!"
Shepherd: "All right, all right, I'm sorry. But we do need a plan to prevent an actual civil war."
Fluttershy: "Um... We could surrender?"
Shepherd: "We'll call that Plan B."
Dash: "B as in Bummer! I mean, surrendering to Shining Armor? The Princess of Love's Colt Toy!"
Twilight: "DASH! How could you?! He's my brother! I love him!"
Pinkie: "Yes... And he's also a bit of a twit sometimes."
Dash: "And a nerd."
Applejack: "Ain't that bright and got his position cause the Princess was groomin' him for it."
Rarity: "He is powerful and quite good looking and brave but he can be just a bit dense, darling."
Shepherd: "And he keeps calling me monkey. That's not cool. However! We can use all this to our advantage when it comes to Shining!"
Twilight: "How so?"
Shepherd: "We're in luck: He's an imbecile!"
Twilight: "SHEPHERD!!!"
Meanwhile, on the flagship of the Royal Crystal Empire Fleet... A bolt of magic fire appears in front of Cadence, and out pops a letter. Cadence takes it, and reads through it.
Shining: "Who is it from?"
Cadence: "It's Twiley! She's apparently organized a resistance and wants us to meet with it at these coordinates! She's even included a picture of the resistance leader."
Shining: studies the photo "... Isn't that Pinkie Pie with an eyepatch?"
Cadence: "Looks like."
Shining: "They're doomed. Come on! Let's go!"
And so... At an Equestrian airship floating over the Everfree Forest, some hours later...
Shining and Cadence arrive in their flagship, the rest of the fleet holding back. Shining and Cadence walk out onto the airship deck, with Sunburst and the guards trailing behind. Twilight is waiting for them, with a tall figure in a dark cloak, and Pinkie Pie-Who now has two eyepatches. Starlight is also there, rolling her eyes.
Twilight: "Cadence!"
Cadence: "Twilight! Is it you? I mean... Really you?"
Twilight: Performs the ladybug dance with her former foalsitter
Cadence: "Oh, it is you!" hugs her "And Pinkie, hello!"
Pinkie: "Hi Cadence! I'm a resistance fighter now!"
Shining: "And who's your tall friend?"
Twilight: "Ummm... Before I answer that, Shiny, please don't be mad."
Shining: "Why would I be mad-?"
The cloak blows away, revealing-
Shining: "SHEPHERD!"
Shepherd: "Shining!"
Shining: "Twilight! What's going on?!"
Twilight: "Calm down, calm down Shining!"
Pinkie: "Yes, it's technically a trap but it's not the bad kind of trap!"
Shepherd: "Not helping, Pinkie Pie!"
Starlight: "That's her specialty."
Pinkie: "Hey!"
Shepherd: "Shush!"
He holds up his hands, as Shining charges up his magic.
Cadence: "Shining! Calm down!"
Shining: "This monkey obviously has twisted Twilight and Pinkie into his willing slaves!"
Pinkie: "Oh, if only."
Shepherd: "I haven't! Look, this is all a huge misunderstanding that got wayyy out of hand! Celestia and Luna are on vacation and needed an excuse to get away!"
Shining: "They what?!"
Twilight: "Yes! So they concocted this crazy plan to have Shepherd seem to turn evil and take over! They told everypony else in the government except, apparently, you two. But Shepherd isn't evil! He's just, you know, pretending to!"
Shining: "Do you really expect me to believe that Celestia and Luna would be that reckless and irresponsible?!"
Cadence: "Shining, dear, welcome to Equestria. Been here long?"
Shining: "I still don't believe it!"
Shepherd: "Look, you could beat the crap out of me... In theory-"
Twilight: glare "Shepherd!"
Shining: "As if I've ever needed a better excuse than right now!"
Shepherd: "But! Buuuut, then all you'll get is two very upset alicorn princesses who have to cut their vacation short probably beating you up!"
Shining: Looks at Cadence
Cadence: "I can sense his emotions. He's telling the truth. I also can't sense any malicious magic around him or the others."
Shining: glares "Even so..."
Pinkie: "Can't we at least have some cake before the death? I mean, we have that choice! Cake or death!"
Shepherd: "Look, I'm just asking you to keep up appearances for a bit, okay? Just for another week. Then you can go and yell at Celestia and Luna as much as you like after vanquishing me!" sigh "Not that I'd mind if you cut it short, but Twilight doesn't want you guys getting hell from the Princesses."
Shining: "This is sounding even more ridiculous! Twilight, you can't be buying this!"
Twilight: "Well-Hey, does anyone else hear that?"
Shepherd: "Hear what?"
Pinkie: "Ooh! Ooh! Is it the sound of a baby dragon and three fillies screaming on top of an out of control manticore?"
Shepherd: "That's... Strangely specific-Oh no."
The Dark Emperor Shepherd immediately ducks.
Shepherd: "EVERYONE DUCK!"
Shining: "Duck? Where?"
Which is when Chewie slammed into Shining and smashed him up against the wheelhouse of the airship. Everypony else had ducked, except for Starlight: She'd just tackled Sunburst to the deck.
Spike: staggers off Chewie, whose eyes were spinning. Spike's eyes weren't much better.
Spike: "H-Honey, I'm home..." He falls over
Sweetie Belle: "AGAIN! AGAIN!"
Scootaloo: "YEAH!"
Applebloom: throwing up into a bag
Twilight: "SHINY!" She gallops over to him
Shepherd: "Is he okay?"
Twilight: scans him "Yes! Yes, he's fine. He's just unconscious..."
Shepherd: "Guess we're lucky he has such a thick skull."
Twilight: "SHEPHERD!"
More Crystal Empire guards arrive.
Guard: "Your Majesty! What's happened?"
Cadence: "... The Dark Emperor Shepherd defeated my beloved husband in one on one combat! And thus, the Crystal Empire is his by right of conquest!" She bows "All hail the Dark Emperor Shepherd! Long may he reign!"
The rest of the Crystal Ponies bow in supplication. Twilight smiles at Shepherd, and shrugs.
Twilight: "Um... Well... At least the Princesses will be happy?"
Shepherd: sigh "Cadence? Seriously?"
Cadence: "Well I don't want my aunties mad with me. They're so passive aggressive!"
Shepherd: "Uggghhh...! Fine! You're all conquered! Now, Sunburst, you will-Sunburst? Starlight? Where are they?"
Sunburst: From down below "I NEED AN ADULT!"
Starlight: From the same place "I AM AN ADULT!"
Shepherd: "Ah, memories..."
Sun Burst is about to dip into crazy. So long, buddy.
For the Crystal Empire, a new dark tyrant overthrowing the pink princess just means it's Thursday. At least Shepherd didn't petrify, then detonate Cadence.
Ouch.
WOW that is harsh.
I get it!
Part 8 marriage in coming XD
Yes, but did you bring enough cake this time?
You know, I can see a lot of crossover between an Equestrian religion and Eddie Izzard's presentation of the CoE.
Is this a reference to Celestia vs. Garble? Because if not I'm still using it to plug this story. It's awesome. Go read it.
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No, it's an old Eddie Izzard routine. (PS: I checked Wikipedia and he's allegedly still doing stand-up, so there are non-old Eddie Izzard routines probably floating around somewhere)
I probably shouldn't be happy that Shining Armor is a GD Moron is in effect here but I'm too busy laughing.
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Tea and Cake or DEATH
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How many citizens will be lining the streets in 15 minutes with spiky red-and-black clothing and flags that say "All Hail Dark Emperor
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"Who's 'Dark Emperor She-Pa'?"
"We couldn't fit it all in."
(... Well, this is a particularly easy conquest of Equestria! ... Is it sad that I can't say with certainty that it's the easiest? I mean, there are plenty of contenders there.)
At least Starlight was following orders from a previous chapter