TTISI: Dungeons and Dragons · 2:54am Aug 2nd, 2020

I haven’t played in a while, but these are fond memories I have of it. Enjoy!

BeeP

Me:Alright, so my guy’s name is Bux, a 5’5” Scottish and alcoholic changeling (not mlp kind), he’s a rogue, he was kinda thrown out of a syndicate due to failing a simple job, when he’s sober he’s an arsonist, and last but not least: he gets sea sick. He has one unique item: a Bronze dagger with his name engraved on it. If no one is consciously aware of it (I.e.: touching it, looking at it, etc), it’s enchanted to teleport back to Bux in either its sheath, or just next to him.

Friend: What’re his stats?

Me: Kinda strong, very charismatic, very dexterous, can take a good couple hits, very smart, but also kind of a dipshit.

Friend: Wait- how?

Me: *shows stats* Str: 14, Dxt: 17, Con: 16, Int: 13, Wis: 8, Cha: 15.

Friend: How does a low wisdom and a high intelligence work?

Me: I’d like to think that he can read and write exceptionally well, but if he’s given a key to a wooden door, he would burn down the doorway to kick the door itself down.

BeeP

DM: Alright, Bux, make a constitution save since you get sea sick.

Me: *rolls... Nat 1*

DM: Okay, Bux looks at the boat, looks at the sea, and looks at the rest of the party before saying “Fuck that” and passing out before even stepping onto the ramp.

BeeP

Me: Aw shit- our Warmaster (an 8 ft/2.44m Goliath) needs a boost... I know! Oi! <insert friend’s name>!! They called you a wee lil’ bitch, and they bet you crush on Justin Fuckin’ Bieber!
Warmaster: THE FUCK!?!? *Looks at bugbear, who’s confused* IS THAT HOW IT IS!?!? *Nat 20’s and cleaves their head off*
Me: Oh shit, that worked too well.

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Warchief: Hey, Bux.
Me: Yeah?
Warchief: I’m going to throw you. *passes several checks, while also passing a note to the DM*
Me: Wait Wha- *gets fucking yeeted*

Cultist leader: *hums as he watches his followers fight my party* ah yes, die vermin.
........uuuuuuUUUUUUUCK!!! *I slam into him and knock him down*
Me: Ow, fuck-
Cultist: What the Devil- who are you!? How did you get here!?
Me: Oh fuck off, I- *reaches for flask, can’t find it* what the- where’s my drink? Where the fuck is my drink!?
Cultist: You dare ignore me!?
Me: ... YOU. YOU TOOK IT, DIDN’T YE!?!?
Cultist: Foolish child, why would-
Me: *jumps onto his head and starts slicing his face with daggers* MOTHER FUCKER BETTER GIVE ME MY BOTTLE!!!!
Bard, watching this unfold as Warmaster comes up: As much as I don’t like him, he’s certainly good at what he does.
Warmaster: Of course he is, he’s Bux. Take away his alcohol and he’s on the warpath.

BeeP

*at a bar, different campaing*
Me: *looks around, and sees a cloaked figure*... Excuse me, you looked my way, and I know when people look shady as fuck. You, my friend- *gestures towards him* you look shady as fuck.

Guy: Well, I’m in need of... something.
Me: Well, I don’t swing that way, but if you give me some ale-
Guy: Uh- no no, not like- no- just-

BeeP

*party is with us(
Me: I’d like to check to see if I notice anything about this guy.
DM: Okay, roll.
Me: *rolls 17*
DM: You notice that under the cloak, he has very formal attire. You can’t tell if it’s royal or not, but it looks formal.
Me: ... Alright lad, what kinda smuggling are you doing?
Guy: U-um, no- no smuggling-
Me: C’mon, you look fancy, which means you’re either royal, or a successful merchant. From my experience, when you’re someone who’s hiding your status, it mean one of two things: either you’re doing something illegal, or you’re asking someone to do something illegal. So, what’s the real catch here?
Guy:... I’ll give you a good barrel of ale if you keep quiet-
Me: DAMN BRO YOU SPEAKING MY LANGUAGE- YOU’RE AN ALRIGHT GUY!!! *gets a casket*
DM: You can’t carry that- *I roll a Nat 20*.... Well, damn, I guess you do.
Me: *gets a straw and pokes it into the ale in the barrel, sipping through it like soda.

BeeP

Bard: I cast Check Magic
DM: Very well, you find no magic is around the tower.
Me: DM, I’d like to pull off a pro gamer move.
DM: Uh, okay? What?
Me: Remember that barrel of alcohol? I’d like to set it next to the tower and blow it the fuck up
DM: I’m not gonna ask how, because I know you have a way, I’ve seen your inventory, but I do have a better question- Why!?
Me: Because I have no doubt that there might be traps, and since this place is the source for voodoo magic, I’ll chance destroying it and ending the quest quickly.
DM: Uh- okay, Yellow, the barrel won’t tear the whole thing down, it’ll just blow a hole into the wall that’s big enough for you to walk through. So instead, save it, and just open the-
Me: DM, I would like to set the barrel against a wall of the tower.
DM: Yellow, the door’s unlocked, just-
Me: Did I stutter?
DM:... *sighs* You go over, set the barrel down, and walk back a bit. Bard?
Bard: I’ll cast a bit of fire and explode the barrel.
DM: Welp, congrats Yellow. There is now a hole with a 7 foot radius. Also, the force of the explosion was just big enough to make the wooden door swing open.
Me: I walk through the hole, happy with the result nonetheless.

BeeP

Me, DMing this campaign: alright, you try to defend against the goblin attack.
Warlock: Hey, Yellow, quick question- does All Star exist in this world?
Me: Roll for it. (I secretly plan to say no, that she’d need a 20)
Warlock: Nat 20!
Me: ... Yes, it exists. I uh, suppose everyone’s heard of-
Warlock: I want my army of children to sing it as our war song!
Me:.... *turns to the others* you suddenly hear, in the distance, the song All Star being sung. It sounds like a bunch of ten year olds are singing it.

BeeP

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