Supporting Trans People · 12:06am Jul 28th, 2020
Good day, cisgender deviants! I’ve returned from the trenches with information that is of paramount importance.
Gasps.
Trans people are valid!
Audience applauds.
But more seriously, I have learned quite a bit from being friends with trans people from all walks of life, from doing my own research on gender theory and queer theory, and from just learning to be less of an asshole. I hope this blog can have a positive effect on at least one person.
Things You Need To Know
Recognize, as a cis person, that you don’t know what it’s like to be trans.
This is what I like to call “The Competency of Cishet Allies,” or as some may know it as, the Dunning-Kruger effect.
To become a good and supportive ally to trans people, you need to first accept that you actually don’t know shit about trans people. Only then can you begin to properly educate yourself. I’m still learning, and probably will always be learning, but I am smart enough to know how stupid I am.
Recognize that you are there to elevate and support trans people, not to talk over them.
It can be tempting for a lot of us more talkative people to want to preach our support to the high heavens, but you need to remember that you are not the center of the discussion, and that your purpose, as an ally, is to support, not to lead the charge.
It’s good for you to want to spread trans positive messages, and I would never fault you for doing so. However, you can’t lose sight of the goal, which is pushing for the equal treatment of trans people in our society.
I am writing this from the point of a cisgender man, talking about what I’ve learned, but I am basically just parroting what trans people have taught me over the years.
Recognize that you are coming from a place of privilege.
Often, cisgender people will talk to trans people and miss the fact that there are some things trans people are disproportionately affected by. Some environments will be much more toxic to a trans person than a cis person, some language that you and your friends use might be very hurtful to trans people, and you have the privilege of not even realizing when your language may be hurtful.
Shut your mouth.
If you don’t know what you’re talking about, or if a trans person is trying to tell you about a particular issue, that is your opportunity to be quiet and learn. This should be common sense, and I’m not perfect at this myself, but we need to be more willing to listen to trans people without having to throw our two cents in.
If you wouldn’t ask a cis person that question, don’t ask a trans person.
Unfortunately, the things I’ve seen cis allies say to trans people over the years has been… fucking weird, for lack of a better way to put it.
This generally does come from a place of wanting to better understand trans people, but the amount of times I’ve heard things like, “So, uh, do you have periods?” directed at trans women is shocking. C’mon fellas.
There is a lot of understandable curiosity about trans people that many cis people have. It’s fine, I get, and I was like that once too. But remember, Google is your friend (actually they aren’t, but for the purposes of learning, they are).
Do not patronize trans people.
Listen, fellas, ladies, I know the urge to go “YASSS QUEEN” and “OMG KING” is strong, and some trans people do like it, but it does often come off really obnoxious, especially if you don’t know the person very well.
There really isn’t any sort of sage advice to give here. Just be caring and supportive, but don’t be overzealous. Validate their identity without making a spectacle of yourself.
Your opinion on someone else’s identity is of zero importance.
Gender is socially constructed, and dependent on countless developmental and social factors. Since we know that, it is both futile and hurtful to try to define someone else’s identity for them.
I understand that some gender identities may not make sense to you, but frankly, that’s too bad. Even if you never understand someone’s particular gender identity, you do not get the right to define someone else’s gender identity for them.
If someone tells you they’re non-binary? They’re non-binary, regardless if you think they ‘look like a man/woman.’ And the same is true for any gender identity. We can only ever come to truly know our own identities.
Be understanding if a trans person gets upset at something you say.
I know how it feels. It feels like shit to be called out for doing something wrong. You have this desperate urge to explain that you’re not a shitty person, and that you really didn’t mean any harm. Most of the time, they know you didn’t mean harm, but you did cause harm in some form.
In these moments, do your best to be understanding and try not to get defensive. Adjust your behaviour accordingly so that you don’t say something that hurtful again.
You are almost certainly wrong about something.
There’s so much many of us have yet to be educated on, and it’s pretty unrealistic to expect us all to understand every little bit of gender/queer theory, but we do have the responsibility to take accountability when we’re wrong, and work to better educate ourselves when that happens.
It is not your trans friend’s job to educate you, it’s your job to educate yourself.
Some trans people are very happy to educate and inform their cis friends, but that should not be an assumption you make. If you know they’re comfortable with you asking them questions, go for it. If you’re not sure, the internet probably has very helpful answers to whatever you want to ask them.
Don’t make a huge deal out of using the wrong pronoun.
This may sound weird, but it’s a pretty consistent thing among trans people I’ve talked to and learned from. If you use the wrong pronoun, I understand there’s a knee-jerk urge to say “Fuck! I’m so sorry, I wasn’t thinking!”
Don’t do that. This calls attention to the situation, and even risks bringing unwanted attention onto the trans person right after you just misgendered them. Instead, just say “my bad,” and pay closer attention that you don’t do it again. That’s literally all you need to do.
Intersectionality exists.
Many trans women get subject to the same misogyny that cis women do, but also are invalidated as women by the same people. Non-binary folk and trans men have similar experiences, where they face discrimination based on their gender, but also have their gender invalidated at the same time.
As well, many trans people are invalidated due to the combination of their gender identity and their sexual orientation combined.
Example: A lesbian trans woman might be subject to the tired argument that they are just “a man trying to trick lesbians.”
This both invalidates their identity and sexuality at the same time, and is a form of bigotry unique to lesbian trans women. Trans people of all genders and sexualities face similar discrimination.
Example: A straight trans man being called a “repressed homosexual.”
It’s our job to combat these bigoted notions, and to make sure we don’t harbour them, ourselves.
Don’t pry about things that they may be sensitive about.
Even if you’re close to a trans person, don’t ask them about their deadname. If they want to tell you about their deadname, they will, but asking them about it may bring up painful memories that they’d rather distance themselves from, or they may just not want you to know. You have to respect them wanting to keep things to themselves.
Do not ask to see what they looked like pre-transition. Again, if they wanted you to know, they would show you. Many trans people want their friends to see what they looked like pre-transition to show how far they’ve come in their journey, and many trans people would rather nobody know what they looked like pre-transition, and would rather just live with how they are currently being your only perception of them. It is our responsibility to respect those decisions.
Some non-binary people don’t identify as trans at all, and you need to respect that.
This is an odd one, for some. Non-binary folk are often happy to be grouped under the trans umbrella, but some aren’t.
There are a lot of non-binary people who would prefer to not be referred to as trans. This could be for any number of reasons, like how our public perception of trans people is nearly exclusively binary trans people, or maybe they just feel the trans identity doesn’t fit them. We need to respect this.
I am not immune to doing things like this. Nobody is. Recognize when you do it and try to do better.
We are only human and we can’t all expect to be perfect. We can, however, be ready to learn when and how we’re wrong about something, and make the appropriate effort to improve ourselves.
I will now go on to explain some ways we can all clean up our everyday, casual language, and make it more inclusive.
I understand that a lot of this stuff can come off as unimportant and people just being too sensitive to words, but try to be open-minded. There is a great deal of good we could all do from making our language less callous and more inclusive.
Cleaning Up Your Vocabulary
Use gender neutral language when you aren’t absolutely sure what’s appropriate.
This is one that probably comes off as very obvious to cis allies, but I bring it up because people forget how some words are still not gender neutral to many.
The word ‘dude,’ for example, is gender neutral for many. Still, this isn’t gender neutral for everybody, and since trans people are often particularly sensitive to gendered language, you would do good to not call trans women ‘dude,’ unless you are sure that they are okay with it.
The phrase ‘you guys,’ as well, is pretty gender neutral for most people, even myself. I’ve used this to refer to trans women before, and they have said they’re fine with it, but I would still do better to use more gender neutral language. People’s feelings about language change all the time, after all.
This is where I inject that we must have a renaissance of the word ‘y’all!’ So none of us ever have to worry about this anymore.
These same points apply to other gendered terms that you may feel has become very gender neutral in the modern world.
Use AFAB/AMAB instead of ‘born a boy/born a girl.’
This should be fairly obvious to allies, but it doesn’t hurt to repeat it. Saying ‘born a boy/born a girl,’ implies that they were, at some point, not the gender they identify as.
The statement is also just factually incorrect. Boy/girl are terms to denote gender. So, instead, use the terms AFAB (assigned female at birth) and AMAB (assigned male at birth) to talk about trans people.
Additionally, don’t say ‘used to be a man,’ or ‘used to be woman,’ for all the same points above.
Do not use the word ‘transexual.’
Frankly, the term is just very outdated. It doesn’t matter if you’re talking about a trans person who’s gone through top and bottom surgery, the term is outdated and generally offensive to trans people.
Some trans people have reclaimed the word (and other words like it) for themselves, and pridefully use it to refer to themselves. This is fine and they’re allowed to do this. However, this does not give us the right, as allies, to use that word.
Do not talk about your trans friends saying “they even look like a man/woman.”
This may seem benevolent, but does have the implication, due to the phrasing, that other trans people don’t normally look like the gender they identify as. This is not the implication an ally should be putting out there.
I know you want to show off how awesome your friend looks, but stick to things like “look how beautiful they look,” or “look how handsome they are.” Language like this loses the bad implications and is actually far more complimentary. It’s a win-win.
Avoid saying things like “I know what that’s like,” when trans people are speaking about their experiences.
You don’t, quite frankly.
Try to not say things like that, or if you need to, say things like “I don’t have the experiences you do, but I can try to understand,” or even just “I think I get you.”
“If you’re unsure of pronouns, use they/them.”
Yes and no.
Yes, using ‘they’ as your default pronoun can be very helpful, so as to not misgender somebody. But, some binary trans people would like to only be referred to by their pronouns, and they might even find they/them invalidating.
It’s always good to use people’s pronouns, and there’s absolutely no shame in just asking people what their pronouns are.
And remember, you could always just refer to somebody by name, if you know it, instead of they/them.
There is no solution to this that encompasses all situations, so just try to use your best judgement.
(Pic related)
Some trans people use pronouns different from the standard he/him, she/her, and they/them.
Many trans people have taken to using pronouns like xe/xer, xe/xim, or ey/em, among others. There’s nothing wrong with them doing this and it costs you nothing to simply call them what they wish to be called.
There’s a lot of people that believe they shouldn’t have to, because it’s “ridiculous” and “people just wanting to be different.” First, it may seem ridiculous, but it doesn’t require any of your effort to use them. Second, sort of. People do want to be different, and they are, so we should do our best to respect their individuality.
Making The World, And Yourself, Better
Learn from trans men and non-binary folk, as well as trans woman.
It is absolutely essential to learn from trans women if we’re to become good allies, but they are just one slice of the trans pie. Non-binary trans people and trans men are just as important to learn from, and not learning from them would leave us with a very narrow view on trans people and the issues surrounding them.
Non-binary trans people and trans men have very different struggles, journeys, and experiences than trans women, and it’s important to learn from them as well if we’re to become proper allies to the cause.
Shut your friends down when they say transphobic shit. If they refuse to stop saying/doing transphobic things, cut them off.
This one is very simple. If your friends are saying transphobic words, making transphobic remarks, or taking up some decidedly transphobic political positions, then it is your job to shut them down or convince them otherwise. This isn’t necessarily a call for you to end relations with everyone that doesn’t share as strong a desire as you for equality, but there comes a point where you can’t support tying yourself to certain people
Frankly, being friends with people who deny the validity of trans people serves as a passive insult to any trans friend you may have. It’s not possible for many of us to end relations with some bigoted people, whether they be coworkers, family, etc. However, if you have friends who harbour hateful views towards trans people, and you can’t seem to change their mind on it, the time may be right to cut ties.
I’d wager you’ll be better for it.
Operate with the default of accepting people, and not the default of questioning people’s identities.
People’s identities are for them to define, not for you to decide.
There will be many times where you’ll learn of someone’s identity, fail to understand, and even question whether or not their identity is even real. Do not try to call people out for an identity that you feel doesn’t make sense.
Maybe one day you’ll meet someone who identifies as a genderqueer bi lesbian. Maybe you don’t understand why they choose to label themselves this way. You not understanding their identity does not make it any less valid.
Labels are meant to be descriptive. We assign labels to ourselves for the purpose of having our traits visible, and to send a message of what we may be or what we may be interested in. These labels (and LGBTQIA+ labels like them) don’t exist to exclude people, so don’t wield them as such.
Learning things on the internet is quick, helpful, and prevents you making your trans friends uncomfortable!
Instead of saying anything further, I’d rather link to some trans people online with easily digestible content that may help you learn more without having to ask your trans friends really uncomfortable questions.
Jesse Nowack, and his series PinkBlue.
I’m not linking these people for you to go pester them with questions; rather, consume their content if you’d like, but type your most pressing questions into the Google search bar, and find an educated opinion on the matter.
I would caution against learning about trans people from a cisgender person unless they’re uniquely informed on the subject.
What To Do Now
It’s probably a safe assumption that you aren’t about to do an academic deep dive into gender theory, so, in the meantime, I’ll just direct you towards some orgs that you might like to donate to if you’d like to help out.
If you don’t have any money to donate (which is very understandable), consider reading some trans stories on this website! Yes, they do exist, and I wrote one of them!
This is a great blog.
Very informative, Dreamer.
A great FAQ! Approved by your local enby ♡
"Recognize, as a cis person, that you don’t know what it’s like to be trans."
What no I mean I'm flattered but this girl is totes trans and this blog is totes good 👍
Thank you.
Also on the list should be Jessi Nowack. He has a new series thing on Youtube called "PinkBlue" about him being a dude and such.
Additionally, don't describe your friends as "wants to be a man/woman". I don't want to be a woman, I am a woman and I just want other people to recognize that fact. Or have the funds and social acceptance necessary to look the way that I personally want to.
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Good suggestion. Added.
Oh, huh; from "Rooster", I thought you were yourself nonbinary. Nicely done there, then. :)
And a blog post that some people might find useful; thanks.
By the way, do you know where the "Trixie is trans" idea came from? I've been wondering that.
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I believe Trixie was actually written as a stallion in the original notes for the show. She was later written as a mare in her debut, which is where, I think, the trans Trixie headcanon comes from.
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Also, IIRC word-of-Faust is that some S1 character is trans, so.... Trixie or Caramel are the popular candidates...
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Ah, thanks! Interesting.